Pooper Tales

Yes yes yall! It's that time again. It's time for Duke stories!

I've had Duke for almost 8 years, which makes him maybe 9. Duke was a rescue dog, the woman that rescued him thought that maybe the person that had Duke didn't realize that he would get so big. So they left him tied up in front of a pet store one night. The nice people in the pet store brought him inside and contacted a local woman who rescued dogs and she put an ad on petfinder.org. I was trying to complete the course work for my major so I was only working part time as a receptionist/assistant manager in a private health club in a condo in Manhattan. That meant that I was home most of the day since I worked mainly very early mornings, opening the club and then was only at school til about 1 in the afternoon 3 days a week. Emmelinda, the rescue lady, drove Duke and another dog to my house in the spring. She said she wanted to introduce me to another dog in case it didn't work out with Duke, who didn' t have a name at the time. So she pulls up in a van and I see a man driving, a two women, one who is holding the most adorable little dog who's growling his little head off at me and my mom. The other woman is getting out of the van, but proceeding her is this big, gangly, hairy, muddy mess of a dog. He practically drags Emmelinda out of the van and comes straight to me, rubs his big old head on my knee and starts crying. It was love! I mean he was so pitiful, and so adorably awkward that I couldn't help but love him. I wiped him down, brushed him, it was going great. And then my mom came to say hello and he peed on the floor.

About a month later, things were going well with Duke. I'd gotten him used to my Mom so he wasn't peeing on the floor anymore. He'd gotten used to another male, the Artist, coming by the house. Well, that is after the time the Artist threw a box on him when Duke went after his nuts. He hadn't peed or pooped in the house for about 2 weeks. So I figured it was alright if I went out for the night. Wrong-o! I got home at about 5:30 because I went to a club out on Long Island and when I say it is a miracle that I got home safely that, I mean it. My cousin and I were drunk off our asses. So when I got home and heard a dog barking like crazy outside I didn't quite put all the pieces together. And when I stumbled up the front steps and into the house, I'll admit I was a little suspicious that something was wrong. Especially when I was struggling to remember the alarm code and realized that the alarm was not on. Hmmm, that's strange, I set it before I left. And Mommy always resets it after she takes Duke out for the night. Will that fucking dog shut the fuck up so I can think! Wait a minute! Where's Duke! I run upstairs to Mommy's apartment screaming, "Mommy somebody broke in and stole my dog! Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd! Why would somebody do that! And why the hell is that dog barking like...."

Mommy was awake, and quite pissed. It seems that about 2 hours after I left, about an hour after Mommy got him to calm down and stop barking, Duke chewed through the alarm wire in the front hall way. The one it seems that was linked to the panic button. Mommy finally falls asleep, in her room on the third floor in the back, where she can't even hear the doorbell, and the cops, the fire department and the paramedics are all about to break down the front door. Luckily someone at the alarm company was smart enough to try the phone which finally woke Mommy, who promptly smoothed over the emergency service people and kicked Duke the fuck out of the house.

Speaking of emergency service people, I once was seeing a fire man. And by seeing I mean, we went on one date and the rest of the 3 months we were around each other was basically spent having sex. At my house. Did I mention that I put up with him for three months? I mean he wasn't really much to look at, but he had the most beautiful clear dark brown skin, and a gorgeous smile. And fuck, he was a got damned fire man, how cool is that! So he lived at home with him mother in Queens and his fire house was in Brooklyn, so many a night he would spend at my house before he had to go on duty. One night, not shortly after I think to myself "if this guy wasn't a fire man I would have stopped dealing with his ass weeks ago, I mean he's kinda a bitch", Duke walks up to him, stands up and politely starts to hump his leg. Now Duke has humped stuff before this, usually my bed (when I'm not in it mostly but once I did wake up to a rocking motion) and for some strange reason one woman I know, but mainly Duke's a ladies dog. So I can only assume that he was picking up on my thoughts that this guy was a bitch. But I decided to give it a go, I mean he was a pretty nice guy with a great body. That seems to be my weakness, I'm a sucker for a great chest, nice arms, firm thighs and a tight ass. Two weeks later, I'm out with one of my homeboys and we run into FireBoy outside of a club. I introduce them, "FireBoy, this is my homeboy BigGuy" they do the dap thing, FireBoy goes back over to his friends. I feel it important to point out several things before I continue.
1- FireBoy was not my man. I think I mentioned the one date and he didn't even feed me, we played pool. I think there is some kind of rule where they have to at least feed you to claim you.
2 - I have told FireBoy several stories about BigGuy, who is not my man and I have never slept with him. And at that point he had never hit on me.
3 - I was wearing a pair of jeans, not skin tight, some random heels and a tshirt, hardly date wear or club wear but BigGuy was bored and so was I thats why we were out.
4 - I've knew BigGuy longer than I did FireBoy
So FireBoy goes back to his friend and BigGuy starts chucklin bout how I'm gonna be in trouble for being out with some other dude. And I'm being me, and poppin off bout how he's got no right to get mad at me for being anywhere, and bout how he said he was going to a wedding tomorrow, nothing bout going to a club. Next thing I know, the cops are arresting some dude for punching a horse. I can't see, but BigGuy is like 7 feet so he's telling me what's going on. "Oh shit Trouble! It's FireBoy!" I'm really not sure what actually happened. One of the bouncers said that FireBoy was going back across the street when the mounted cop told him to get on the sidewalk. FireBoy told the mountie he didn't like horses and to get it away from him. The mountie tells him to just get on the sidewalk and FireBoy decks the poor horsie! I called him later that night and found out that he was released around the corner from the club since he was a fireman but that was all he really had to say to me. Two days later he told me he thought that I was too close to my dog, and he didn't want to see me anymore. I said, "Ok, take care!" and hung the fuck up. Not surprisingly, about 2 months later he texted me asking if he could come over. I wrote back and said I'd probably be giving Duke a bath and to try me next never.