Dogs are barking

• Hello WorldWideWeb, it's me Trouble!
• so I think I mentioned that Superslag wanted me to bake some Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday.  I quoted her a price, a cheap price I might add- I gave her a discount on my labor as a gift, and she started hemming and hawing just a little bit but said that she wanted the cupcakes.  Then I don't hear from her for about 4 days and she sends me a text message last Friday, talkinbout -If you made the cupcakes, I'll pay you for them when I can but if you didn't make them yet, can we cut down the number you make?  She originally wanted 2 orders, so I said fine, just let me know when you want them and I'll tell you when I need the money by.  I know her well enough that there was no way in hell I was going to bake the cupcakes without having the money in hand.  So it's Wednesday and I get a call from Teeth (formerly CoHo - Cousin T's other sister - if you need a reminder, she used to have no teeth in her mouth and now she's got these big blindingly white joints and I'm not sure she can close her mouth fully) and she says that she's gonna pay for the cupcakes.  She stops by my house the next day to drop off the money and she says some shit about how SuperSlag was complaining that she wasn't going to have any cake or cupcakes for her birthday so thats when Teeth decided to call me.  Saywhatnow!  That's why I waited, cause she would have had me make the shits and never said a word that she didn't have the money for them.  Teeth tried to throw some shade my way insinuating that I wouldn't be able to make the cupcakes as promised, "Are you SURE you're going to be able to make them?"  I came back with the deadpan, "Why wouldn't I be able to make them?" and that shut her up.  But that brings me to the next bullet in the post...
• So I get up on Friday, and head to the StupidMarket to get ingredients.  This is the second time I'm making them, so I'm pretty confident in my skills and figure I can experiment a little more this time.  I also figure it should be no problem doubling the recipe.  I get home, setting up to start and here comes Mommy.  "So, are you going to do one batch and then set up for the second?"  "No, I was just going to double the recipe and do it all in one shot."  "Oh, well if you THAT confident."  Suddenly I'm not!  I swear, mothers are put on this Earth in part to teach us humility.  I was a little shook, but I continued on with the game plan.  15 minutes later, I had a gorgeous batter and was ready to start cupping.  25 minutes later and I had about half the cupcakes I needed ready to go in to the oven.  25 minutes after that I had the whole order ready and put them in to bake, but I still had a nice amount of batter left.  So I started filling cups and ended up with a nice little snack for the weekend.  After I took all the cupcakes out of the oven I let them cool and ate lunch with Mommy, who stole the first cupcake bite (I found these little mini cupcake cups, which are perfect when you have just a lil batter left.)  After lunch I used my pastry bag to ice them bitches.  They were ready to go at 5.  If I could increase my speed cupping, it wouldn't be so bad.
• now, its like 7, Duke and I are out in the backyard, enjoying the gorgeous spring day and my phone starts singing Chocolate Rain.  It's Teeth, she wants to know where I am.  At home why?  Oh, you didn't finish the cupcakes?  They've been ready since 5, why?  Oh, cause I'm at SuperSlags and I was wondering where you were.  ERRRRRRRRRK!  wait a minute, this bitch told me yesterday that she would stop by my house and help me bring the cupcakes to SuperSlags.  Now, I'm stuck getting damn near 40 cupcakes over to her house.  Granted it's only 4 blocks away, but still.  So I tell her I have to take a shower and I'll be there when I can.  Thank God for Mommy!  Out of the blue, she comes up with this huge plastic platter that will fit all the cupcakes.  She actually got it out of the garage, she was using it for plants.  But she washed it for me and I covered it with tin foil and strolled my ass on down the hill.
• If I was ever serious about selling my cupcakes, all I would have to do is walk around on a nice day with a huge tinfoil covered platter.  It was dark out when I went and I still had about 4 people ask me what was on the platter on my way to SuperSlags. And I think only one of them was hitting on me.
• Cousin T was actually going to come get me when she heard that Teeth left me in the lurch, but I told her not to worry about it.  I hate that she always has to pick up the slack for her sisters so I try not to burden her with the shit the fuck up with.  It helps that I limit my interaction with her sisters.  Plus she had some conditioner in her hair and would have had to come out with a plastic cap on. 
• I get there and everybody is floored by the big platter.  A couple of people also spoke up that I had to walk over there with the platter on my own.  Baba (my cousin, Superslag, Teeth, and Cousin T's dad) is all about the cupcakes.  "Everybody eat so we can have cupcakes!"  And I'm starting to feel nervous cause there are alot more people then there were when MonkeyGirl had her birthday party, and alot of them are very opinionated - to say the least.  And then we're singing and everybody gets a cupcake and it gets kinda quiet then Baba says "I think these are better than last time!"  And I can relax and finally taste one and damn! if I didn't do the damn thing all over again!
• sooooo, remember WackThug, SuperSlag's baby daddy?  wait, thats an understatement, he's the dude that she accused me of sleeping with (her cousin and close friend despite all her bullshit) threatened me over then went on to have a baby by.  well she kicked him out.  Seems her playsister and company caught him out with the next chick and SuperSlag said enough, at least for now.  She kinda made sure that I knew he was gone but I can't say that I'm surprised or that it changes anything between us.  Your chicks before dick, especially when your family.  As if I would ever want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with her.  In my mind that says something about a  dude when he chooses a woman like that, and it ain't something good.  Sure, she's my family, thats why I could overlook alot of her bullshit, but it doesn't mean I was blind to it.  Fuck, I got the closest look at it sometimes...
• and I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could, said I had to go feed Duke, which was true.  SuperSlag asked me if I was coming back after I fed it and I said, "Probably not" and was out with Cousin T and my old buddy Butter (we used to be cool but all I'll say is you can't travel with everybody - that was years ago though)
• my fucking feet are killing me!  I gotta invest in one of those kitchen floor mats that take the strain off of your feet

Lil Heifer...

So me and Cousin T pull up at SuperSlag's house for MonkeyGirl's birthday dinner and here is lil miss thing standing there looking like a junior me.  I have on black skinny jeans, she has on black skinny jeans.  I have on some Coach high top sneakers, and she's got on the low top version.  I say, "Hey Monk, do we have on the same sneakers?"  And this lil shits gonna say, "Uh uh, mine are Coach!"  with full attitude.  I swear I fell the fuck out and then informed the lil heifer that mine were Coach too!

Oh can I just say I put my whole mutherfucking foot in them red velvet cupcakes!  Cousin T's dad (my actual cousin) used to make THE best carrot cake until his diabetes got out of control.  He never gave the recipe to anyone, not even his daughters.  But he's giving it to me after tasting my cupcakes.  And its a good damn thing he got the diabetes under control cause he ate like 3 of them joints.  Even Mommy, the red velvet hater, ate two and was trying to steal more before I left the house with them.

Oh and I'm working on my homework PrettyBlack!

Da Biznass

Since Afro likes my random post I've been talking about sex a lot recently, I decided to combine the two...

• You know Lady Shay, I've turned down a tongue lashing on more than one occasion.  For one thing, I had a very strange relationship some years ago where the sexual aspect of it mainly consisted of him going down on me while he jacked off into a pair of my panties.  I shit you not.  Not that his head games wasn't incredibly tight, but it kind of left a sour taste in my mouth for lick with no stick.  Then there was the dude that, shit I don't know what the fuck he was doing but it wasn't nothing nice.  And don't forget about the dudes that say "Oh I just want to taste it, nothing else" when they know full well that ain't all they want. 
• Speaking of that rather strange relationship of my youth (there is so much shit there I could do multiple posts on Chef and me) he first explained his sexual restrictions on my age (I was 16 he was 19) then on the fact that he was sort of in a relationship with a chick who was away at college in Florida, but the real reason was that his dick was about 3 inches long...
• Thats not to say that some men don't know how to work 3 inches.  Ok, so I've never had a fabulous lover with a 3 inch winky, but I'm sure that there are some out there.  Somewhere.  I've also known some men with 10 inches of thunder who don't know how to bring the rain.  The thought of bad sex with a big dude makes me cringe a little more than the thought of bad sex with a little dude.
• Did you know that some bodegas in the hood sell counterfeit Magnums?  I'm sure that some people don't even notice that they aren't as large as the real ones.  And the latex is different.  What the fuck is the world coming to when big dicked men in the hood (and the women that luv them) have to worry that Jose at the corner store is trying to dick them on the condoms.
• It's really not fair, if someone is tickleish and the other person isn't, the one who isn't should not be allowed to tickle the one who is.  Specially if there is a danger of said person peeing themselves.
• I couldn't laugh, at least not in his face, but PYT busted his lovely tight ass in the snow last night.  All I could do was say, "Oooo damn!  That looked like it hurt sweetie!  Are you alright?" then duck the snowball that headed my way.
• Fucking snow!  I love to look at it, maybe ski on it, but gotdamn if I dont hate to have to shovel that shit!
• In the recent past, I had a man tell me that I made him feel self conscious about being naked.  Needless to say that was the wrong dude for me.  First off,  I'm either in as little clothes as possible, or as many clothes as possible, depending on the weather.  If I'm in some coochie cutters and wife beater, I sure as hell don't want my dude to be in a turtleneck sweater and corduroys.  Secondly, I love to be naked.  It's fucking natural.  I'm not a flasher nor do I dress obscenely in public, but in the privacy of my own home, hell the fuck yeah I'm gonna walk around bare ass.   And lastly, I'm not the chick you want if you need a woman who is going to boost your ego.  I give compliments where they are due, not when they're asked for. 
• Speaking of compliments, twice in my life have I reached into a man's pants and said, "Wow that is really quite large" (or something like that) and the dude was kinda surprised at the compliment.  I think I mentioned that I don't give compliments unless they are due

Thirteen eighteen!

I had a taste for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese today so I swung through the drive thru at MickeyD's.  I should point out that I hardly ever eat McD's, maybe about 3 times a year if I'm lucky. So I'm going thru the drive thru at the McD's on Atlantic and Ralph Avenue.  I mention the specific one cause if anyone if from Brooklyn and has gone through that drive thru knows what a pain in the ass it is.  You can enter the parking lot from Ralph but it takes some pretty fancy driving in order to get on the drive thru line from there.  And there is no way you'll be able to do it if there is more than one car waiting to place their order.

You can get directly into the drive thru lane from Atlantic Avenue, that is if you can avoid the cars that are picking up their orders.  (who ever designed this drive thru deserves the Ultimate Idjeet Award)  So after a quick yet cautious K turn, I'm on the drive thru line and place my order.  I go to the window to pick up and hand dude a $20.  I see him struggling.  A minute passes, a minute and a half.  I'm not the strongest at doing math in my head but by this time even I have figured out that its, "THIRTEEN DOLLARS AND EIGHTEEN CENTS Damn It!"  "Oh!  Thank you, the screen on the cash register is broken.  Have a blessed weekend!"

I never felt right cursing out people who bless me, so I settled for a mumbled "youtoo" and drove to the next window to pick up my food. 

Trouble's Corn Chowder

this is in honor of LadyShay, without whom I would have never had the idea.

I can never leave a recipe alone.  Just. Can't. Do. It.  I have to add something, change it and some way, claim it as my own.  So when Lady Shay posted a link to this recipe for Corn Chowder, I had to do something to it.  I couldn't resist.  For one thing, I was out of chicken stock.  And vegetable stock.  And I'm not really a fan of cream of corn soup, although I actually do have that in my kitchen cupboard.  So I searched for other recipes.  I found ones with evaporated milk.  And half and half.  And lobster.  And crab.  And bacon.  Wait a minute that bacon one has a corn stock base, and I have fresh corn.  But I didn't want to use bacon fat to fry my onions.  And I wanted to put red peppers in it.  And carrots, I love carrots.  And I didn't want to make that much soup, cause its just me and Mommy.  So a recipe was born, makes about 3 servings...

2 Ears Sweet Corn

1/4 onion (I used red and yellow cuase there were two small pieces left over in the fridge, I also prefer small onion pieces, so cut how you like them)

2 cloves of fresh garlic, diced

2 small potatoes, peeled and cut into small cubes

3/4 cup of milk

just enough olive oil to coat the bottom of a small skillet

a nice fat pat of butter, almost a tablespoon

6 baby carrots, cut into bite sized pieces 

a little section of fresh red pepper, seeds removed, cut into small pieces

seasoning to taste

sharp cheddar cheese (optional)

grilled chicken breast (optional)

Cut kernels from cobs, set aside.  Break cobs into 1/3s and place into what I like to think of as a small soup pot aka the pot I use to boil pasta in.  Add a little more than 1 1/2 cups of water.  Season to taste.  (I used a little salt, some cayanne pepper, garlic and onion powders) Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer and cook for 20 minutes to make corn stock.  Remove the cobs, make sure there is no silk in the stock.  (The original recipe said to drain the stock, but I just used a slotted spoon to make sure there was no corn silk...)

While the stock is simmering, warm a small skillet over a low fire, coat the bottom with a little olive oil, and melt your pat of butter.  Add chopped onion, garlic, and red pepper, cook for about 5 minutes or until the yellow onion is translucent.  

Add the potatoes, carrots, milk, and onion mixture to the corn stock.  Taste and season according to preference.  (I added some thyme, rosemary, and a little more salt - I tend to be very light on the salt usually, thats why I needed more)  Bring to a simmer and stir to prevent foam from forming (its hard to skim with the kernels of corn)  Cook until potatoes are tender.  Taste and adjust seasonings if necessary.

I cut up a piece of grilled chicken breast and mixed it in with the chowder.  Then I shaved a nice little cheesy mound of Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheese on top.  It went great with the biscuits I made from scratch yesterday...

Mmmmmm

I was heading downstairs to my apartment when I heard Amy Winehouse singing Back to Black.  In case you didn't know, that's one of my favorite ringtones, along with Chocolate Rain (T. Zonday), I Need You (A. Keys), The Pinball Number Count (from Sesame Street) and Birk's Works (D. Gillespie).  So I run down the stairs cause I know it's Big Mr. Bad...

Little Ms. Bad aka Me: Hello (of course you know I was practically purring)

Big Mr. Bad:  Hey Gorgeous, I'm about to drive past your house and was wondering if I could trouble (*tee hee - he said trouble!) you for a hug and a kiss...

Little Ms. Bad: No trouble (*tee hee) at all

Big Mr. Bad: Good, come to the door I'll be there in a minute.

I don't know, something about his politely forceful swagger is doing things to me.  It was one hell of a kiss, and have some pretty high expectations for that "Later..." he gave me.

RE: The Hiatus

Sorry I was out finding myself!  Not much luck with that so please be on the lookout for a bad skinny bitch with locks.

Thank you!

PS - Sorry Harley!  I'm ok, and no I'm not on any new medication.  I read somewhere that I may need to increase my iodine intake, and since I'm allergic to fish, I've been trying to put more salt into my food (which is ok, since I never really used salt before!)  I've also been trying to snack more during the day on things like apples with peanut butter, and sharp cheese with cracker (mmmm, I'm getting the munchies!) and the weight seems to be staying on!

Huh

Apparently I'm a member of Team Celine, so if any of you are interested in Celine Dion tickets, holla at your girl! You know I got that hotness! Owwww

And I think "Don't Forget to Hide A Pickle In The Solstice Tree" has got to be one of the best titles that I've come up with, if I might say so myself. I think thats going to be the name of my novel...

And TRexy is still making me giggle like a loon.

I had to take the train with high school kids this morning and for some reason that always makes me nervous. By the by Afro, I was right, that was my train!

Wish me luck, the NY Mega Millions Jackpot is now 96 million dollars! That's 96 million dollars! Ah ha ha ha! (sorry still channeling the Count) I promise to buy you all something (or at least come and visit you all) if I win. Hmmm, I'm thinking TypHo estates in Canada, Hawaii, Turkey, Barbados, Seychelles, Belize or Ecuador, Thailand, Italy, and New Zealand.

For some reason this morning I said to Persian Royalty, "I need tea and sympathy!" he cracked up and told me thats the name of a restaurant. And don't worry I don't really need the sympathy, I'm in an exceptionally good mood! Which is hella strange considering...

Guess What, Chicken Butt!

ahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, that always cracks me up.  Soooooo I hope you're not thinking that I went to some incredible party on Saturday, met an amazing gorgeous man and have spent the last two days dying a million little deaths (fun fact in case you're wondering what the fuck that meant, the french refer to an orgasm as la petit morte)  That was sooooo not the case...

I woke up on Saturday in a wonderful mood.  I laid in bed awhile thinking that I wanted to go buy some black J Brand skinny jeans in case I decided to go out later.  Duke peeked over the edge of the bed to wish me Happy Birthday and I threw back the covers and launched myself out of bed, prepared to face this day with aplomb.  Only to hop right the fuck back in the bed almost as soon as my feet hit the floor.  Shit it was cold!  So I laid there awhile longer, and Duke was patient, I think that was his gift to me.  It took me a while but I finally got myself up and Duke out to pee and poop.

We get back inside, I give Popper breakfast and I'm standing there thinking maybe I should get back in the bed for a little while longer.  Then the phone rings, Hautey calling to wish me Happy Happy Joy Joy.  (We're speaking again, reconnected over taking pictures of her husband sleeping at the table on Thanksgiving, yet again)  She wants to know what I want to do today.  "Nothing much, I need some new black J Brands, so I'm thinking about buying them as a gift to myself."  (Cause if you've been paying attention you know that I hate to pay full price for anything)  And she's all, "I want to go to the City too, so I'll just OH SHIT IT FUCKING COLD!"  I guess thats when she finally got out of bed.  I know my sister, so I know whats coming next, she's not going to want to go.  "I don't want to go outside, it's too cold!"  told ya!  Ok, well I'm gonna go by myself.  "No!  You can't go shopping on your birthday by yourself!"  Uh why not?  So I hang up and go upstairs to get Thanksgiving Dinner 3.5.  

Mommy's all, "what do you feel like doing for your birthday?"  I tell her about the conversation with Hautey and tell her I'm going to the City.  "By yourself?  You can't go by yourself on your birthday!"  Again, why not!?!  She convinces me to wait and she'll drive out to Westbury (home of the best of the Century 21 Department Stores, Roosevelt Field Mall, Off Fifth, Nordstrom's The Rack, The Cheesecake Factory AND Costco) So we both eat and then the turkey hits.  "I really don't feel like driving, how about I take the train with you to the City?"  She got a little offended when I told her no thanks, that I could be to the City and back faster if I went by myself.  But I didn't end up going anywhere during the day, Hautey was right it was too bloomin cold!

So later that afternoon Cousin T calls me, "Happy Happy, what are you doing later?  I'm helping Bobby move some furniture, and I have to go see SS in the hospital later, and drop some stuff off to MonkeyGirl but its your birthday so what do you want to do?"  She didn't really tell me all of the things that she had to do that day cause she's not one to complain, but I figured it out.  Slick also called to see what I was doing that night.  So I looked into a couple of parties, but by 7 I didn't really feel like dressing up, wearing heels, fighting crowds, or paying for an overpriced drink, specially when I had drinking free Prosecco all day.  (free as in Mommy and Hautey bought it)  So I called Cousin T back and asked if she just wanted to go bowling.  I was hoping it would just be the two of us, cause she is my favorite and comes with the least drama and fuckery.  Plus I knew she had been having a hard week with SS's still in the hospital (she's out of the coma and semi back to her slaggish ways. named the baby after her babydaddy's mom that shes known all of 2 years instead of the woman that raised her, Cousin T's mom is SS's stepmom)

So I went bowling with Cousin T.  Wore my favorite limited edition Jimi Hendrix t some tight ass jeans and my over the knee boots.  Comfortable yet sexy.  We got drunk, bowled crappily, and talked about a whole lot of shit.  It was great.  The next day Mommy, Hautechick and I went out to Westbury, Hautey said she would buy me and Mommy lunch for my birthday.  We hit Century 21 (sorry to anyone who doesn't live in NYC or know what Century 21 is, sucks for you!  Its the #1 discount department store in NYC according to Zagat)  Not only did I find my black J Brands (tiny hole on the left thigh, $69)  but I also found that grey and cream silk Walter dress that I lusted over and put on Polyvore.  $69 for a 100% silk dress that was $258 (I think) like 2 months ago.  I.  Love.  Century 21.   Hautechick called me last night to see if the dress fit cause she was sweating it.  And my cashier was the cutest!

I almost got some Chanel platform pumps for $220 with 20% off, but alas they were too small.  And I walked through that store that sells Sarah Jessica Parker and Serena Williams' clothing lines (I really can't remember the name of the store but I know that SJP's line is called Bitten and Serena's is called Eleven) and the challenge winners outfit from Project Runway.  First of all, kudos to Serena.  The stuff looks great and feels pretty good and doesn't smell like I've noticed some items from that store do.  Its mostly sweats and workout gear but the pieces have a nice cut to them.  SJP's shit on the other hand, looked like crap.  And that dress and vest looked a hell of alot cuter on Project Runway.  I would have gotten one to sell on ebay, but I don't believe in selling crap.

And Daaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaam Hautechick!  Did you even take a breathe the whole 30 minutes it took us to get back to your house?  She sure as hell didn't stop talking...

And what the hell is up with telling me you'll take me to lunch then trying to buy me lunch from Ranch 1?  (didn't fall for the banana in the tail pipe, I was a brat but I got my lunch from the Cheesecake Factory and ordered a fried chicken sandwich just to piss her off) Oh and I spent all day sleeping...

More Pretty Pictures!

Just like Danae likes Jason Bourne but not Matt Damon, I'm gonna say that I like Legolas but not Orlando Bloom (dudes looking a lot worse for wear lately, maybe he needs to stop Turning those Wheels - sorry that was a lame joke)
I even like him with a little grey in his hair.
Will Demps..
Steph Jones, I dont know who he is really, but damn that mouth (oh, he's a singer)
Idris...
Now that's a bad mother - shut your mouth!
Bond on the beach in bikini's (ok they aren't bikini's )
He may very well need a flea dip and some Valtrex, but damn if those abs aren't screaming my name, "Come lick me Trouble! Oh how I need you!"
You were so right, sexy never left, you fine little man!
Oh Pharrell! Why do I find your little pea head sooo sessay?
Brooklyn swagger at its finest! Jay might have gotten this title if he had sat his ass down two albums ago...
Some say he might have broken Halle, but I say dat dude Micheal Ealy is yummalicious
Cutie patootie Lewis Hamilton. Vaa vaa vaa voooooom!
Sometimes, he's not that hot. And I think I might make him keep the hat on. Larry Johnson. Is it me or is he the Camel's bitch? (he is wearing his chain. No offense Larry! Happy Birthday by the by)
THE Dancin Dude, or at least one of THE Dancin Dudes. Shoot he must have been doing something right to have all them kids
Couldn't decide between a Jack Sparrow pic or this one, think I stole it from Daners...(or Anners or one of the TypHos) I've had a crush on him since 21 Jump Street, but I'm only borrowing

Loved his first album, didn't buy the second, but did you see that video of him dancing with the woman from the audience?!?

"Left Cheek! Left Cheek! Left Cheek!"

I spent the weekend watching Transformers like 3 times. Hence the title. If you dont remember what I'm talkinbout, Josh D. and Tyrese were in the desert under attack and Josh is looking for Tyrese's wallet. Anywho, here's some things that I learned this weekend

1) I'm not really excited about this upcoming birthday (19 DAYS!!!) It may have something to do with the fact that I'm turning 30, but I'd like to believe that I'm not that shallow. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have my inch deep moments, but I'm not that bad.

2) After 30 plus years of driving a manual, Mommy's shoulder is starting to bother her. I also was kidding about one of her calfs being bigger than the other from all the shifting, but it turns out that one is more defined than the other. Weird!

3) My Mail people are the worst in Brooklyn! I get a slip on Friday for a package that they supposedly tried to deliver on Thursday. But Mommy was home on Thursday, and I was home on Friday. Lucky for me it was the postal supervisor (idk what hes really called, dude had a badge) that helped me when I went to pick up my dvds. I sure did complain bout that shit.

4) For some reason, my mother has picked up the quirky habit of flashing her lights at people when were driving. You know, someone will be going what she thinks is too slow, and rather than go around them, she'll flash her headlights, repeatedly, until the move. She also seems to think that the speed limit is somewhere around 78 miles per hour.

5) If I think its going to rain later and I put on my rain boots and Mommy says, "What are you wearing those for?" its not going to rain. At least it won't rain wherever I'll be so I'll be the ass walking around in galoshes for no reason.

6)Pumpkin Cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory $45 (I might have rounded up) same exact Pumpkin Cheesecake presliced and errything! at Costco $18 (GO COSTCO! They also had my apple cider!)

7)Last year around this time, I bought some copper bottomed cookware even though I hardly ever cook. This year I bought the vacuum even though I hardly clean...

8) I have too many clothes, its kinda ridiculous.

9) A valerian root based tea actually helps me to fall asleep, but only if I'm already a little sleepy and can't drift off. Its no help what so ever if I'm not already sleepy.

10) Those shots the dentist gave me had me loopy for, well I'm still kinda loopy

11) Even though I reminded you all to FALL BACK, it was noon on Sunday before I figured out that it was really 11 am and I had gotten up waaaaay earlier than I would have liked. I did get to see The Artist formerly known as Hobbles though. He's pretty great! He got Mommy an airplant - google that shit if you like plants, this one doesn't need soil or a pot! (if your saying who? the Artist is my brother in law, he was hobbles when I started writing cause he had just torn his ACL)

12) Mommy and I act like fussy sisters sometimes. We went out on Saturday and stopped to get pizza. I ask what she wants and she's like "Oh, just a regular slice." I ask her like 10 times if shes sure then I get her the one slice and get myself a white cheese slice and a regular. I sit down and she's all "Oh, that white cheese is for you?" Uh, yeah, you asked for regular. "Oh, cause that looks really good." I asked you 327 times if you wanted anything else. "Can I have a bite?" You ever tried to tell your Mom no for something? Then she starts listing all the times since your birth that you asked her for something and she said yes? Well I didn't want to have that conversation again so I told her to go ahead. And you know what she does? Rips off half my crust and a nice hunk of pizza too. How the hell and I supposed to eat my slice with half of the crust aka handle missing? And I ask her and she's all "Oh I didn't think about that" and ended up giving her the slice rather than get pissed. So she ate it and her regular and I had to wait while a new pizza finished baking. There should be some kinda rule about misinvoking motherly guilt for pettiness! Cause that was straight some shit that Hautechick would have done...

13) I still haven't spoken to Hautechick, Mommy keeps asking me if I called her. I think she feels guilty cause she often is the hype man for our battles.

14) I was sooooooo gonna tell Brownie that I didn't want to see him anymore, but then I read this horoscope that was basically telling me that all my relationship drama should happen around the 24th (my birthday coincidentally) so I decided to put it off til then.

Lugo's

I was over on Lady Shay's site, and I'll admit, I've deen brinking a widdle bit. Couple la glasses of reisling. I think I fighta mound a wine i actually like. But anywho, I was reminded of the time I went to Lugos with Chautehick.
Lugo's is THE PLACE to go for hair in NYC. Weave hair, all kinds. Kinky straight, and every got dang thing in twebeen. At least frm what i understand. As some if yall now i got locks, and I havent pad a herm since like 97 or 98. Excuse me! Whooo! that shit has ahelluva kick on the return...

Anywhoo, Lugo's, Hautechick took me to Lugo's. That shit was scary. Seriously, I mean the one she took me to ont he Lower East Side (I refuse to call that shit the East Village, fuckin aphtoabett city is wha tthe fuck it is dam nit!) has blacked out windows like a strip club or a xrated video store or some shit. They gotta buzz you in then you sit in this waiting room. For rum season it reminded me of the waiting room for Steve Martin's charcter in Little Shop of Horrors. (Oh! Doc-tah!) Then Hautechick got called to the back, and they wouldn't let me go with her. They told me that I couldn't go in the back if i wasnt byuing hair. Which made me want to ask if the had some chicks tied up in the back waiting to have their hair cut off scared to death and crying for their mommy in some foreign language. Overactive imagination..

I sit down to wait for Hautechikc and this random hispanic woman starts talking to me about hair. "Have you been here before?" Uh, no - this was like maybe 3 years ago at the most, I still had dreads. "Yeah, me neither. I'm thiking of changing my look." Now I should ouint pout that this was a cute chick, and Lugo's kidnapped backroom hair don't come cheap. Sheeet, I'm pretty sure Hautechick still has that hair she bought in her safe at home. Right next to her marriage lisence to the Artist formerly known as Hobbles. She had some dry bleached out hair but she also had some add bass shoes, so I was I was willing to give her the denefit of the bout. That is until she said, "So do you know what type of I should get?" It got extreeeeemely quiet in the waiting room. Yes, there were other people there. So the only reason I can think of that she asked me, was cause I was the badest bitch in the joint. I dont know, seems plausible to me. But anyway I told her I didn't know shit about buying no hair, and shed best ta ask someone else for help. The waiting room bouncer (yup, I'm calling him a bouncer, dude was to cut to be called a receptionist) even chuckled then tried to cover it up with a cough when I gave him the "youaresonothelping" look.

Luckily Hautechikcc came out soom after. Then she paid for her afro hair and we bounced. The charge by the ounce or some shit. I thought that was strange. I made Hatuey take me to eat to make up for the trama of going to the secret underground hair buying store and dealing with clueless broads. Thinkin back on it, I don't think it was enough. Or maybe I'm jsut hooongry.

Random...

- What ever happened to Keith Sweat? Mommy used to love him...

-Mommy does not like J Holiday's new album. "Is he singing about smoking a blunt?" she actually thought that was kinda cute. "I dont want to hear some young buck singing about feelin on somebodies ass. What is he like 17?" She said she only heard one song that she liked but she didn't like it enough to remember which one it was. "Please dont play that on the way home."

- We went to Cheesecake Factory for lunch and had a great waitress this time. They sat us at this table by the windows that overlooks the parking lot and for some reason it was fascinating to Mommy and me! "Oh shit if he had just waited one more minute he would have gotten that spot!" "He's just gonna sit there, doesn't he know people are waiting" It was utterly ridiculous. So much so that we even had the waitress looking out the window at the parking lot drama! I'm such a dweeb...

-The new Berry Almond Struedel Cheescake was delicious! I bought home a piece of Pumpkin Pecan... (I have a thing for Pumpkin pie, and pecan pie, and cheescake so I figure it should be like a party in my mouth)

-I saw a pair of gorgeous grey suede boots in Macy's and when I picked them up I noticed this woman was holding the matching shoes. We both went "Oooooooooo!" when we saw what the other was holding then cracked the fuck up. I can't remember who made those boots...

-I haven't decided if I'm going to keep the Coach boots, I have 30 days

-Whenever I go to a discount shoe store, the first thing I do is look for things that are out of place. You know a box stuck underneath a rack, or turned the wrong way, or one out of place box (you know like a Charles David box in the middle of a bunch of Nine West). I look for the shit that people hide. Thats how I found the Coach boots today. Someone had stashed the last 8 underneath a rack of Cole Hann boots. Sorry bitch your boots are gone! Mwahahahahahahaha! I also found some tan shearling flat boots underneath there but they were a 6.

-When I went away to college freshman year, you were the shit if you had a tv and a vcr in your dorm room. And when I was a kid my dad thought he was the shit cause we had a BetaMax player (anyone else remember those?) "This is the wave of the future!" he told Mommy when she asked him why he got that big ass thing...

-Mommy used to also love Colonel Abrams, when we were kids she dragged me and Hautechick to a free concert he had in the park. We still tease her about it. "Not gonna let, no no, let youuuuu, no, you get the best-a, you get the best of meeeeee!"

-I broke 4 nails today, and they weren't even long!

Sorry....

I was adding stuff to my polyvore in the morning and then I was actually working (gasp!) this afternoon. And if that last post didn't make sense, its cause it took me 4 hours to write with a great many interruptions. Then there was the whole search for a banana debacle (I tried to do a post about it but the pastrami made me sleepy and words no come.) I'll try and do something fun for you guys over the weekend. Maybe I'll finally get around to the Leggs Diamond post...

Mmmmmm Donuts

Actually I dont really like donuts all that much, except for the chocolate ones with the clear glaze. Just wanted to say that cause Homer makes me giggly

What I really really really want is pastrami on rye with mustard from Katz Delicatessen - you know the place where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in How Harry Met Sally? And maybe a knish. And a pickle. And a Dr. Browns Black Cherry Soda. And then a chocolate donut with clear glaze!

mmmmmmmmmm

A Trouble A Day

Really doesn't keep shit away but maybe boredom, I'm kinda entertaining when I want to be!

I suspect that some of you are off in a drunken stupor somewhere, and some of you are sleeping. Well even though I was advised not to, I came to work today. It was actually a good thing I did cause was there was very little do to! So I sat at my desk and took care of somethings that were marked for follow up in my Outlook. I had some scallion pancakes stashed in the fridge so around 12 I warmed them up. I'm eating, I'm reading, I'm multitasking like a mother trucker (I used to get so many technical fouls when I was playing b-ball that I started saying silly things instead of curses, not the smartest one cause an assholish ref once gave me a tech for saying mother trucker. even the other team was telling her I didn't curse and she was like "I don't care!" Wellll I got kicked out of that game 30 seconds later after I called her a frigid bitch) Next thing I know I've got a huge soy sauce stain on my new white button down (this is the best white button down that I have found in a long time, its a nice heavier weight of cotton with a nice sheen to it, I also have it in black and banker blue cause the price can't be beat and the quality is great.) Lucky for me I just got a Tide To Go Stain Remover (thank you Frenchie for asking me if I had one two weeks ago cause otherwise I might have never thought of putting on in my desk at work) and it is WONDERFUL! I mean its not completely out, but its out enough that you can't tell if it is a stain or a shadow. And its sure as hell better than walking around with the evidence of my klutziness staring everyone in the face.

So the next thing I know, its like 3 and Crapcakes is back from lunch, and I'm not really hungry. (Isn't it feed a cold, starve a fever or is that backwards?) So I start to thinking, and I really dont have a taste for anything except frozen yogurt. Now I'm gonna let you all in on a little secret. Well actually I dont know how much of a secret it is since every woman over 60 on the Upper East Side and Midtown East seem to know about it. It is Forty Carrots, a restaurant in Bloomingdale's (it used to be on the lower level but they moved it to the 7th floor) and they make the best frozen yogurt in the city. No, I haven't tried Pinkberries, but I don't have to, this shit rocks - hard! So now its like 4 cause I tried to talk myself into getting actual food, but el estomago said "Hell No you crazy bitch!" So on my way to Bloomies (which is a block away) I saw the following things:

• a bunch of teenagers dressed like ShopBoys, what I like to call Rocker Not, skinny jeans, high top Nikes, colorful assed hoodies. Listen up you little shits - at least call your crew in the morning and see what colorful ass shit they wearing today cause yall clash like hell and your giving me a fucking headache. That shits is so not cute. Some of those hoodies are kinda cute, but for the most part they look the bastard collaboration of Dali, Escher, Where's Waldo, and a crayon factory explosion. And I'm sorry but if you aren't a cocky millionaire rapper/producer appearing on 106th and Park, you got no got damned business wearing ugly huge white sunglasses. (and did you steal those from your Momma's I heart the 80s box, cause Kanye's were kinda suspect, but yours were all out tangalicious with them rhinestones?)
  
• So this adoreeebluh hispanic man hands me a spritz of Narciso Rodriguez's new fragrance (how cute it was on a really nice black ribbon and it smells kinda nice) and it was like when animals attack! Does anybody know if the perfume pushers get paid by the spritz and shit? I only took one other one (Sexual Femme by Michel Germain - who?) cause the chick wasn't pushy and I liked her suit, but that shit stinks like cat piss.
• Awwww po little booger - an adorable little blue eyed boy (why do boys always have the best lashes? his were like 2 inches long!) in his stroller with a itty bitty red cast on his arm. He was showing everyone in the elevator.
• They had Lemon Fro Yo! (lemon and vanilla are the only kinds of non fro yo that I really like, I eat the rest but I hate that fake fruit shit) and I didn't try it damn it! (I didn't realize til I was about to pay!)
• A puggle being dragged around by his inattentive owner. (these are puggles)
• I get off the elevator by my job and there is the buildings head engineer (who I've been flirting with for about 5 years) with this adorable dread locked guy and I got a "Wow" from the locked guy and a "It just makes my day whenever I see you." from the engineer (I kinda have a rule that its a bad idea to date men that you quite possibly will see everyday at work, otherwise I would be all over him. His body is sick and don't ask me how I know his body is sick, capice?)

Oh and I got about 7 "that looks sooo good!" (for the fro yo) from Bloomie's employees while I was trying to get outta there. And you should all be so proud of me, I didn't buy anything but the fro yo! Last time I went to get fro yo I ended up with some new perfume, and a FDNY calender (has anyone seen the naked pics of the guy on the cover? he had to go and ruin it for everybody!)

Weak with Hooonger!

So for once I ordered my lunch before 2:30 cause even though I stuffed my face with Thai appetizers and chocolate cookies before going to bed, I woke up ravenous. So I had some fruit and said that I would order lunch early. Which I did but I didn't take into account BossMan. He has a meeting that he is going into at 2 so he asked me to wait 35 minutes before I take my lunch break. What sucks is that I ordered Vietnamese (yes, its the third time this week) with someone else from my office and he's in the pantry enjoying the hell out of it and I can't eat yet. Well I could eat in my office but I never enjoy that. And BossMan is eating the most delicious smelling orange I have ever smelt. Think he'll get mad if I steal a piece?
I feel faint....

Who Knew

Apparently I really like Vietnamese food. I had Goi Banh Cuon which is grilled chicken over steamed thin and tender rice crepe with cucumber, lettuce, crushed peanut, bean sprouts and fresh basil in Nuoc Cham (it was like a salad dressing but not so vinegary, very flavorful) sauce and hot pepper paste.

Yum!