The Make Up

So Four let me be mad for like a day. Then he called me and asked if we could get together and discuss what was going on. I have to give him this, the man is smart and he really pays attention to me. I've never been the type of woman to yell and scream at a man that I'm seeing but Four made sure that wasn't even an option. In fact he made sure that I was going to be as happy as possible before we got down to brass tacks. What did he do? He picked me up and took me to Five Guys! Yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach! How could I be really pissed when I knew he was taking me to my favorite burger joint. So even though we started the conversation in the car on the way there, I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

We got through it calmly, with a frank and open conversation about what was really the heart of the matter. I felt as if he really didn't want to go and showed it by trying to cut it so close with getting there, He felt that I just completely shut him down and gave up on him. This is especially poignant because the previous week I had told him how I usually dump guys after three months rather than invest more time with them. He thought that was what I was doing to him since it was about three months since we have been dating. Funny thing is, that have never even crossed my mind. I actually think that I might be falling in love, but since that would be something that I have never done before I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

Four broke up with a long time girlfriend at the end of last year and it really sent him for a loop. I personally think the woman was an idiot with self esteem issues but to be honest I am extremely greatful to the dummy. I mean without her fucking up, I wouldn't be with him now, and if it hadn't ended as badly as it did, then I dont think Four would even have considered dating me. It's not that he wouldn't have been attracted to me cause lets face it, I'm a hottie. But I am not anything like the typical woman that he dates. Despite gaining about 20 pounds (in all the right places!) since January, I'm still alot slimmer than the women that he has dated in the past. As he put it, he usually goes for the big body model and that is definitely not me. Also I have never had a problem admitting when I'm wrong - Four calls it my auto correct feature. Then there is the fact that we joke around alot more than either one of us have ever done with a partner. It is not unusual for me to call him a jerk at least once during a conversation and vice versa. We constantly make fun of each other and ourselves and laughter is a big part of our relationship.

All this has kinda helped me to realized what I've been missing in my relationships in the past. Four travels alot for work and his latest assignment is a 6 month stint in Philly. He started last week and brought me with him. I have to admit that it gave me a taste of what a housewife would feel like, sending him off to work in the morning, greeting him in some naughty lingerie when he got back. But it also kind of spoiled me, I miss falling asleeep and waking up next to him. I think I've got it bad...

The First Fight

It was inevitable. I knew it was coming, but I'm still not sure how to handle my disappointment.

I invited Four to Gutz' wedding about a month ago - the wedding itself was held yesterday. I told him that it was to be a ghetoriffic affair, bride all tatted up, groom with cornrows and tatts as well, held in a place (not a church) right in the middle of the hood. I also said that some of my favorite people would be there and I would like for him to meet them. My gorgeous lil cuz (who's 21 and at least 6 feet tall so I should really stop calling him my lil cuz!), my god daughter, Cousin T, my aunts - so I was happy to be going. And at the least I expected it to be entertaining.

The disagreement started a month ago when I showed him the first dress I had planned on wearing. He didn't like it, which was fine but a bit of a let down. I love to shop, so I found another dress - it was $20 and adorable so that kind of took the sting out of him not liking the first dress. But then he said that this dress was too short. It covered my ass and nothing was hanging out, it wasn't skin tight, so I figured he would get over it. Now for the next escalation.

Four assistant coaches some 13+ boys in a basketball league. I asked him if he was sure that he could make it or if he had a game the day of the wedding. He tells me that yes they have a game but that he should be able to make it and if anything that he would just meet me at the wedding. Ooooookay! I'm thinking that he has a game at 11 or 12 and that he'll be down at 1, head home to take a shower and still be just able to make it to the wedding at 3:30. Then last week, he tells me how the head coach cancelled practice on Thursday and Friday so that he could go to a friends rehearsal dinner and wedding. I'm hoping that he will take the cue and say that he can't make it to the game on Saturday so that he can be my date. No such luck

To make matters worse, my cousin who is the photographer asks me for my help since he is the one giving Gutz away. I'm excited for the opportunity since I recently started getting back into photography, something that I haven't done since I was a sophomore in college. I tell Four thinking he'll be excited since I am, and his reaction is "So you're going to be leaving me alone with a bunch of people I don't know!?" I'm calm, cool and collected even though I'm more than disappointed in his reaction. I don't point out that that is exactly what he did to me when we went to the wedding in VA. I don't point out that in VA, he didn't have a specific function that kept him from being with me, he was just off talking to his friends. Instead I tell him that I will make sure that he is seated with Lil Cuz since they have alot to talk about and my Lil Cuz is the best! He still doesn't look convinced and I'm starting to get nervous about how this wedding is going to play out.

The day of the wedding, I wake up early to take care of some stuff and around noon I send him a text message to see what he's up to. I'm expecting him to tell me that he's in the middle of a game and instead he waits about 10 minutes before texting me back and telling me that he doesn't start coaching until 1. WTF!!!! If he had been in Brooklyn, where the wedding is, or even in Queens, where he lives, I wouldn't have been concerned. But he's not, he's in Harlem and I can see no possible way for him to make it to the wedding. So I say as much, I send him a text that said "So your not going to make it to the wedding..." He waits an additional 20 minutes, til about 1:30 and then he calls me. He tells me that he has his clothes with him. Getting madder because even though I told him it was a ghetto wedding, I still expect him to take a shower before getting dressed. He tells me that the game has been forfeited and that his boys won. Getting even madder because the way I see it that means that he REALLY didn't need to be there. He tells me that he's about to leave and he can make it to the wedding. Getting really mad because I feel like he should have been in the car already making his way to Brooklyn. So I tell him not to bother, that I can go to the wedding by myself, he doesn't have to come with me.

I'm mad and I'm the first one to admit that most people do not act rationally when they are upset. But it's the way I feel. Sure he could have made it to the wedding and I really didn't expect it to start on time (actually didn't start until after 4) but I was feeling like he didn't really take it seriously. Like his priority was the boys basketball team, not going to a wedding with me. I'm thinking about how I spent 4 days in VA to go to a wedding with him. How I paid for my plane ticket. How I spent one of those days mostly alone because he couldn't fly down til Friday night and I came in on Thursday night. How he left me alone at the table while he went and entertained his best friends girl. How he would walk off and have conversations with people and leave me alone at the table and how I would have been madder about it had I not gotten along so well with one of the women at the table. And I don't want to deal with him. So when he sends me a text 20 minutes later that he's on his way to Brooklyn and am I sure that I don't want him to come, I say "no thanks!"

And when I get there and he's sending me text messages about how badly I behaved, I indulged in a text fight for awhile, then realized that I was having a good time at the wedding and told him I didn't want to deal with him now because I was enjoying myself. I was even more pissed off that he would feel the need to lash out at my reaction DURING the fucking wedding. Felt like he was trying to make sure that I didn't have fun. I also got pissed when he told me that he felt that I reacted badly. I didn't curse him out, or scream, or anything of the sort. I just calmly told him that I didn't want him to come with me. When he texted to tell me that my reaction and choice not to have him come was not cool- I told him that I would rather be at the wedding alone than have him with me and be pissed off the whole time because of unresolved issues. Sure the issue is still unresolved but because he wasn't sitting next to me I was able to put it aside and actually enjoy myself.

I know that I made the right decision telling him not to come with me but I know that today is a new day and eventually I'm going to have to deal with my anger at him...

Back in Brooklyn

So I didn't get a chance to finish the Richmond story while I was actually there, because Four was with me for the rest of the trip. I got back into Brooklyn on Monday, sleepy as shit due to a 6 am flight after 2 hours of sleep. By time I was getting into my nap on the plane we were landing! I had a great time! Even Four nearly passing out after the hot tub was fun! I told him not to drink too much wine before we got in!

I discovered alot on this trip. Chick-fil-a, target selling wine (and fireworks!), scattered hash browns from Waffle House, strong ass drinks in the clubs, and thats just the food and drink related stuff. I also found out that I could go away with a man and not want to kill him. And that living in NYC has spoiled me - I've had my drivers licence for over 10 years and I've driven maybe 10 times since then. That changed in VA. First I had to pick up the rental car before Four arrived. Then I took a trip to Target and Chick-fil-a, then I had to pick up Four from the airport. I also drove on Sunday since Four has a bad back and was all drugged up when it started bothering him.

For the most part, I really like his friends. They are all well educated, highly hilarious individuals. Get them together and its great jokes, and amazing conversation. And the men are almost all 6 feet tall or better, I felt like a midget in my flats! After the rehearsal dinner, we headed out to a club and it was hilarious for several reasons. It was interesting to watch the women in the club react to the guys we were with. And it was funny watching their reactions when the realized that just about all of them had hit the club with a woman by their side! Oh the hate, not that I can be mad at them. Then there was the dude that sweated out his whole suit. You would have thought that he would take his jacket off once he started dancing and sweating but you would be wrong. At the end of the night, he even danced his way out of the club. There was also a cover band that did an r&b version of Mrs. Officer. It reminded me of the wedding singer from The Hangover. I think I giggled through their whole set. I also found it interesting that the men there were alot older than the women, at least they looked older.

The wedding was beautiful. Black love is a gorgeous thing! The bride and groom make a beautiful couple. And the wedding cake was fantastic! We headed out to a club after the wedding but let me skip back to the part where I said that I like all of his friends for the most part. There was one chick there that I was really contemplating punching in the throat! I might have mentioned that Four and I went to the same high school and that he was two years behind me. Well this chick also went to our high school and was a year behind Four. So after the wedding Four introduces me to her and ask if I remember her from school, which I didn't. I stopped paying attention to the underclassmen that were behind Four. Didn't really know them and didn't really care to. My senior year, when she would have been a freshman, I was more concerned with getting out of there without having to kill someone.

But the school was very small, I think there was something like 87 kids in the whole school the year I graduated. And while I wasn't too concerned with making new friends my senior year, I was also captain of three sports teams, in the chorus and jazz band, in at least two plays, and on student government. So when Four asked me if I knew her, I couldnt say that I did at the time. He introduces me as his date and then says loud enough for her to hear, that we all went to the same high school. We get to the reception and Four is off talking to some of his friends, and I'm standing by our table with a couple that I met down there (by the way, I loved these two. Shes, let call her L, incredibly snarky!) and this chick is going to say to me, "so who do you know, the bride or the groom?" L shoots me a look and I'm thinking is this chick trying to make me feel like an outsider, because its clear that everyone knows each other, either because they went to school together, or because they are coupled up with people who went to school together. I tell her that I'm here with Jason and she hits me with an "Oh". You know they kind I'm talking about, thats laced with disdain. About 5 minutes later L ask me what the hell is that chicks problem and I truly cannot tell. I should also mention that it was about 5 minutes into the reception and she was already smelling like someone dumped 2 gallons of liquor on her head. The chick was down there with her husband, who has met a number of the crew before but is still a bit of an outsider like me. She left poor dude alone at the table for most of the evening and lord only knows where she went.

At the end of the night, after L and I made numerous jokes at her expense (I may not have a relaxer in my hair, but I know enough about them to say that she was about 6 weeks past needing a touch up - you trying to tell me that she's never heard of a flat iron?!) her and her poor husband are leaving and she's going to come up to me and say, "it was nice meeting you." And I say, we aren't just meeting, we went to the same high school and she comes back with a "yeah, but I don't remember you." Really bitch, for some reason I doubt that highly. While I may not remember too many underclassmen that I didn't have personal relationships with, I sure as hell remember all of the people who were ahead of me in school. I spoke at graduation, which all the underclassmen attended. I was one of the leads in the senior play, which again all the underclassmen attended. I was all over that school and you dont remember me? I'm just gonna say I doubt it and leave it at that.

Anyway back to me and Four. We discovered that we both have a sick sense of humor, which we already kind of knew but it was further demonstrated being around so many sharp witted people. We also discovered that he likes to play in my locks, although hes usually not even aware that he's doing it. We discovered that we really like sleeping next to one another, he's a great spooner. And when I got back, we discovered that we really missed sleeping next to one another. He's out of town on business and called me this morning around 8 just to hear my voice. We are turning into a very sappy couple.

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship.  We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day.  This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro.  Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was.  He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while.  He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance.  One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out!  Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to.  On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along?  Most definitely.  I put alot of thought into my outfit.  Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag.  Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female.  So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt.  Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go.  Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me.  I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.  

Four gives great hugs.  I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch.  But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it!  But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner.  We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there.  Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing.  But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side.  We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance."  That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?"  But no the second thing is not true.  I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.)  So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four.  I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling.  Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted.  Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice.  And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go.  We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great.  We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either.  He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that.  He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off.  Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date.  I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like?  So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door.  For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs.  It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss.  So what do I do?  I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him.  You'd be wrong.  Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me.  You'd still be wrong.  You know what my smooth ass does?  I mush him!

Whatever doesn't kill me...

This past year has really been a test for me in all aspects of my life.  Career, education, personal relationships, self esteem - it all went to shit.  But I'm thankful for all the crappy things that I went through.  The second lay-off proved to be a blessing in disguise, although truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasted alot of times thinking hateful things at that woman. (sidebar - what kind of idiot hires back someone who quit less than a year before to go follow their dreams?!? but at this point I laugh at her stupidity and wish the two of them all that they deserve) And that just sent off a spiral of realizations.

I spent all of my energy and time working and I neglected myself to the point where I wondered if I would be able to pick up the pieces.  Stopped going to school to finish my degree because I was "needed" at work.  And all for what?  Nothing that had any real value to me as an individual.  Buying the house was about the only thing that was worthwhile from that whole career woman endeavor.  I sacrificed alot of relationships in order to be there for a man that was paying my bills (BossMan) but did nothing else for me.  I realized alot about myself last September.  First and foremost was that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are alot more people out there in worse situations than I was in.

Second thing that I realized was that I really didn't like the work that I had been doing.  Sure, being a personal/executive assistant was easy for me, especially since I've always been able to keep smiling no matter what the circumstances, but it wasn't anything that I was passionate about.  I also realized that I missed my drive, my passion, my reason de etre.  I missed being creative and relatively carefree.  I missed waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and I was determined to get that back in my life.

Then I realized that I have a tendency to over think things.  There was a time when the people who know me would describe me as adventurous or spontaneous.  I was famous for leaping without looking but somehow always making it work.  Not so true anymore.  I wondered when I became such a worry wort and somehow I managed to start worrying about that!

I took a look back at my life and saw that I've been working full time since I was 19 and decided it was time for a break.  Especially when I realized that I have never been on unemployment in my life.  Six months was the longest time that I had ever been out of work and I'm not sure that counts since I was still being paid.  So I decided to take some time off.  Time off from work, time off from worry, time off from the things that stole my joy.

So I went back to school in January, and maybe it was the leap without looking part of me that made me think I should take 5 classes (one writing intensive) my first semester back in about 6 or 7 years.  Well guess what?  I kicked ass!  Turned out a 29 page research paper that I still can't believe that I pulled off and so far I've got 2 A's and 2 A-'s (still waiting for that fifth grade.)  Two more classes and an internship (that I actually already did) and I'm done with my BA.  Decided to go for my masters in Urban Planning or Affairs (haven't quite decided which one) and I'm thinking maybe about teaching - got an offer to assistant teach Urban Studies at the high school I graduated from - no pay, but I think I will really enjoy doing it.

I've reconnected with alot of people (thanks facebook) and put myself out there and made alot of new friends.  Speaking of reconnecting, I'm actually seeing someone now who makes me extremely happy - someone that I've known for years.  Had we reconnected last year this time, I'm pretty sure that I would have screwed it up, but so far so great.  He really makes me feel incredibly special and sexy and I'm pretty sure that I make him feel the same way.  But we are taking it slow because regardless of what happens between us, I don't want to lose him again.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to.  Reevaluating, readjusting, relearning and most importantly living.  What the fuck have you guys been up to!?!?!

Kisses bitches!

Yours truly, Trouble

The Boys...

...Hi Swag!  Hi Torrence! 

I can't help it Lady Shay!  I have always loved males.  Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me.  So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males.  In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male.  When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy.  I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl.  By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block.  Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet.  Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys.  And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend.  I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have.  I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one.  Not to replace what I have mind you.  

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys.  Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys.  Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.)  Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls. 

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me.  Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl.  Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me.  Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day.  Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride.  Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass.  Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Half Baked

• I really tried to do my homework this weekend but a couple of things slipped through.  Damn you PYT and your flaky ass!  Thats why I ate your cupcake you momo!
  
• WARNING LADY SHAY!!! although if we are still synched, that might have been a little late.  I was early
• I spent about an hour and a half on the phone with my sister the other day.  By the end of the conversation I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt something awful, and tears were streaming down my face.  She reminded me of how I used to put bandaids on myself at night when I was little.  No reason, I just liked bandaids.  One day my Mom found all of the bandaid wrappers under my bed and freaked out a little.  She asked me why I was putting on bandaids, did I hurt myself? and I replied (at least according to Hautechick) "No, I just like bandaids."  I still have a thing for bandaids
• I also used to stick stuff up my nose, which is strange cause I can't even do nasal spray now
• So Cousin T calls me yesterday with a rather strange request.  Superslag (her sister) sent her a text message that morning asking her if she could contact me on her behalf.  It seems that she would like for me to make 33 red velvet cupcakes for her birthday next week.  She tells Cousin T that she would have called me herself, but she doesn't have my number anymore.  Then she says that she will pay me for all of the supplies.  Uh, bitch I know you think your slick, but I'd have to be a real idiot to fall for that one!  I made the cupcakes for your daughter because I LOVE HER, you I just barely started to be able to stand for more than 5 minutes.  I should calculate the cost of supplies, the cost of using the gas to cook those bitches, AND an hourly rate for my time.  I started to charge her a buck each but that is cheap as hell and while I might do that for someone I like, her not so much.
• Speaking of baking and Superslag, I will never forget the time that someone paid her to make them a birthday cake, $20, and this chick makes a box cake and says some shit like, "Do you know how much a box of cake mix cost?!"  Actually I don't, my Mom taught me to bake from scratch and since in my opinion it only takes a little bit more time, and taste 1000 times better, I stick with scratch.
• More interviews.  I'm about to send XBossMan a letter of recommendation for him to sign.  I drafted all of his correspondence in the past and I figure this way I at least know the basis of what the lil shit is going to say in the letter, and I dont have to deal with him everytime I want a recommendation
• Gnarls Barkley in NYC!!!!!
• Is it me or is this season of Top Model excruciatingly boring, the majority of the girls are not attractive or intelligent or interesting in the least.  I cant stand the African chick or the drag queen.  I liked the chick that got kicked off for a hot minute, but even she turned into an ass

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEYGIRL!

on this joyous day, in 1995, my god daughter was born.  A whole 4 pounds of eyerolling, hair grabbing, hollering, side eyein bundle of joy and rebellion.  Only baby in the incubator room lifting her head up and I think trying to get out of that damned plastic box.  Gosh I love that kid.  You see, she was born my senior year in high school and at the school I attended, seniors were pretty much finished with classes by the end of March.  (The rest of the year was spent preparing for the senior play and doing community service.)  So I spent alot of time with her, I watched her just about every day until I left for college.  And when I was away, my Mom used to get her and bring her up to see me.  They would usually come up on the weekend and I will never forget the time they were there for one of my volleyball games.  She charmed just about everyone in the stands by the time the match was over.  My coach had to cut the post game meeting short because MonkeyGirl would not be denied!  And she was absolutely adorable with her too small self walking and talking when no one would expect her to.  We were once at the library in the children's room at Grand Army Plaza (it a huge library in Brooklyn that in this amazing building - actually alot of the libraries in Brooklyn are architectural gems) and this maybe 8 month old baby waddles by.  MonkeyGirl was about 2 at the time, and still small for her age, she's gonna look at me and say, "Babies can't walk!"  The kids Mom looks at Monkey at says, "well they aren't supposed to talk either, but look at you!"

She's almost as tall as me now, in fact she can fit most of my clothes and some of my shoes.  We're even built alot alike.  Shes a dancer where I was an athlete, so she's not a musclely as I was at that age.  Lucky her.  The summer before my sophomore year, my varsity basketball team went to an Invitational Basketball Camp.  I spent 2 weeks doing nothing but playing basketball and running basketball related drills.  Two days after I got home, I had to go to a wedding.  It was the first time that I had worn anything besides workout gear since being home.  I put on my girly pink dress, took one look in the mirror and burst into tears!  "I look like a boy!"  It was terrible, I looked like a body building reject.  Mommy still made me go to the wedding though.  What's one of my post without a crazy tangent!  I know alot of you were expecting it and I sooo hate to disappoint!  You should see my biceps after I've actually been working out consistently...

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled post, I am so glad to have that no longer little girl in my life.  So I'm making her Red Velvet Cupcakes for her party tomorrow!  I might even whip out Mommy's decorating tools and get my icing flower on!

AND as a bonus tangent I present to you my theory about birthdays.  When I was a kid and someone asked me how old I was I would say something like, "well traditionally I'm 10 years old, but actually I've been alive for 11 years."  It used to piss Hautechick off for some reason.  But its true!  When some one celebrates a birthday, they are actually celebrating the completion of that year, so when you turn 30 (like I did last November) you are actually beginning your 31st year of life.  I used to wonder about why age was counted this way.  I also wonder if it has anything to do with high infant mortality rates that used to exist before medical practices were standardized.  AND since this post was in honor of my 13 year old god daughter, I didnt even curse!

Some Shit

No, no more poop tales.

• from time to time, Hautechick and I will end up in hysterical laughter when talking to one another on the phone.  Most recently, she said something about how I always got along with the Artist and that I need to find her a brother in law that she gets along with too.  That lead me to saying that, no, actually I didn't always get along with the Artist, he used to get on my last nerve.  It was Hautechicks fault, she used to tell him all of these embarrassing stories about me, usually things that I did as a child, and he would tease me.   I hated it.  So Hautechick asked me what happened that got him to stop teasing me.  And for a second I couldn't remember.  Then it hit me, it was the time I was hanging out with the two of them (Hautechick, Mommy, and I all still lived together then) and we were inebriated, to say the least, and the Artist went upstairs to use the bathroom and passed out.  He hit the floor so hard that we heard it downstairs.  My mom ended up calling Hautey to come check on him and she found him on the floor with his pants (and underwear) around his ankles.  Just typing about it makes me incredibly giggly.  
• So I think it was yesterday that I got this email announcing $8 fares on a certain airline.  Then today on the news I hear that same airline has been under investigation by the FAA for flying planes that have not been inspected.  
• My god daughter, Monkey Girl, had another recital tonight.  I love that child but can I just say shit, damn, motherfucking 3 hour program, including a got damned dance piece that I saw last time, a whole bunch of teachers on stage so called modeling, and Monkey Girl was only in the last 5 minutes of the damned thing!  I swear...
• Speaking of the recital, I heard about it from Monkey Girl's step family, Step Grandma called me and asked me to get her a leotard and for my help in finding a dress for a formal event coming up in April.  But thats not the point.  The point is, I walk in start looking around for familiar faces and who should wave and quietly call my name, SuperSlag.  Don't choke someone out one time and they think yall cool again.  Buuuut, she had the baby with her and oh does she know how I am a sucker for baby girls.  Actually, its the clothes shopping that I love.  I swear Monkey Girl was dressed to the nines when she was a wee one, and the new one reminds me alot of her.  She's so tiny.  So I sat, behind not next to her, I still don't trust her with my back.  Her and WackThug (baby daddy) actually drove me home.  
• Cousin T's Mom is in the hospital, I'm gonna send her some flowers tomorrow.  She's in my thoughts...
• I had a discussion with Mommy about me moving out of state.  But that lasted just until she told me that I couldn't take Duke with me.  Any time something needs to be cleaned because of him, he's my dog, which is 98% of the time.  Of course he would become her dog on this issue.
• This is kinda wussy but, I can't leave Duke.  He's getting old, I dont know how much time I have left with him, and I'd really be mad at myself if I missed out on it
• My mom has one of those KitchenAid Stand Mixers (how gorgeous is this dark purple one?) my dad brought it for her as a gift.  That means its really old (if you haven't been following along, my dad died when I was 8) and kind of precious to her.  That mixer has made plenty of delectable treats so I've always loved it, but I've also always shied away from using it.  That has soooo changed.  One of my favorite things to make is pizza with homemade dough.  That mixer cut my prep time down by so much and made everything sooo easy.  I've fallen in love with it.  I usually only make pizza about 4 times a year, cause the dough is such a bitch to make.  I made it twice in the last two weeks.  The one with wine soaked mushrooms was reallllly gewd.
• Someone set off a small explosive at the Military Recruiting Station in Times Square early this morning.  Its the third incident in which a man on a bike has set off a small explosive device in the early hours of the morning in NYC  since 1998 (I think it was 98)  No one was hurt.
• I made a bouquet of balloon tulips for Monkey Girl...

Troub the Perv

• In answer to your query PrettyBlack - you know I did!  Don't know about the taming part, I kinda like them spirited.  Its when they turn into whiny bitches that I kick them to the curb.  Nothing worse than a dude that acts like a chick.
• Speaking of which, I saw Big Mr. Sad yesterday.  I had lent him a book and he finally returned it.  I was gonna chalk the cost of the book up to the price I pay for dealing with a man with bitchlike tendencies, but he made a big deal out of returning it.  I'm talking asking other people to give him Cousin T's phone number so that he could talk to her.  (It didn't happened, but if it had Cousin T probably would have laughed at his punk ass.)
• In case you didn't know, I have a serious thing for firemen.  I think Mr. March and Mr. August are my favorites from the 2008 FDNY calendar, even though I'm pretty sure that Mr. March is married (Go Head with Your Bad Ass Mrs. March!)  Don't ask me why, but they have fascinated me since I was a wee one.  Sooo, there is a fire house about 4 blocks away - Hello Tin House!  and about 2 weeks ago I saw the truck go by and noticed a new brown face in the bunch.  And yesterday I was driving past with Mommy and who should be standing outside but the new guy, and good lord is he fun to look at.  Me and Duke may have to take a walk down there soon.
• I have Nicaraguan neighbors.  I really can't figure out the family except to say that there are the parents, then they have 3 grown daughters, and then there are 4 grandkids.  I'm not sure which kids belong to who and that includes the grown daughters cause one of them calls the father by his first name and one of the grandkids calls him Daddy.  In any case one of the grandkids is a baseball player.  About 16 or 17 and I just noticed that he is fucking gorgeous.  Not that I would hit on a kid, especially one that I've know since he was about 9, but damn!  I mean really damn.  No wonder there has been a influx of teenage girls hanging around the block lately.  I feel kinda protective, I want to give him some condoms and the watch out for scheming trickettes talk.  I really not sure when he went from being a cute kid to a gorgeous young man but the teenaged girls better watch out for that smile.
• Speaking of gorgeous young men that I know, OtherMother's grandson is grounded.  Seems he came over to OtherMother's house afterschool with two friends, a boy and a girl.  OtherMother decides to fix some snacks for the kids and is heading down to the basement when the boy friend tries to intercept her.  Talkinbout he'll bring the snacks downstairs and its no problem, just stay upstairs.  Yeah right.  OtherMother goes downstairs and finds her grandson hopping into the bathroom trying to pull up his pants and the girl (I started to call her a young lady, but that is so not the case as you'll see in a minute) wiping her mouth.  OtherMother goes off on the boys and then tries to have a talk with the girl.  Tries to tell her that she shouldn't be giving out sexual favors like gum samples and that she needs to be careful about sexually transmitted diseases (OtherMother got them to admit that she was going to blow the other boy too) and this little shit is stoopid enough to tell OtherMother that she doesn't have to be careful cause she's already pregnant.  (Not grandsons)  This poor child is 14 to hear OtherMother tell it and living with her grandmother. 
• I have a crush on Bill Goldberg the jewish wrestler....

Run Away...

I can freely admit that I have a problem with commitment.  Its not that it scares me, just that I like to take my time before I commit to someone.  There is nothing that will send me packing quicker than a man who makes more of the things that I do than is necessary.  

Need an example?  Let's start with Big Mr. Sad.  Our first date was, interesting to say the least.  Mostly because my entire immediate family was there for a portion of it.  (We went to one of the Artist gallery openings)  I tried to impress upon him that while this was a first for me, a man meeting my entire immediate family in one sitting, but that he shouldn't make a big deal out of it.  I told him that there was no pressure.  Not long after that, came The Conversation.  "Sooooo, are you seeing anyone else?"  "No not currently, how about you?" "Welllll, no one as special as you are..."  My bullshit meter went off, loudly, and for several reasons.

1. I'm the newest chick, we've only been on one date, you don't know I'm special yet.  There is no doubt in my mind that I am, special that is, but I haven't even put on my A game yet.
2. I highly suspect that he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.  Just a little hint about me, when it comes to the choice between some meaningless fluff designed to please the ears and the cold hard facts, I'm more comfortable with the cold hard facts.  Compliments are one thing, bullshit is a whole nother other
3. Didn't you hear the "not currently" that I slipped in?  That was a clear indication that I'm not going to commit myself to you after one date and wild ride

It wasn't soon after the Conversation that I started to pull back.  Another ex of mine makes for a good example too.  The King of Crap (cockblocker extraordinaire - more on that another time.)  Last summer, when we were still seeing each other, he was at my house and Mommy was cooking.  She called me upstairs and asked if I was hungry and if I wanted to feed him too.  I was hungry and feeling kinda mellow so I said yes to both.  Mommy was about to set the table when I asked if she would mind if we ate after her. "I don't want him to read anything more into this than there is, me being polite and not kicking him out or eating in front of his face."  Ok, Mommy ate then KoC and I ate.

Still during the last convo we had, he's gonna say, "You can't mean that you don't want to see me anymore.  What we have is special, you're Mom cooked for me and you're just going to let me go?!"  Thats about the time that I hung up the phone...

Coockaberry

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Merry merry merry merry life had he

(that's how I learned it but its supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he)

Laugh, Kookaburra, Laugh

Kookaburra gay your life must be.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Eating all the gumdrops he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop, Kookaburra

Leave some there for me.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Counting all the monkeys that he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop Kookaburra,

That's no monkey, that's me

Kookaburra had two little girls

Sweet as sugar

and smiles like pearls

Laugh, Koookaburra laugh Kookaburra

Gay your life must be...

This song always makes me a lil weepy, cause my Daddy taught it to me and Hautechick when we were little.  I always thought that he made it up, but its actually an Australian Children's Song.  I also always thought that it was Cookaberry, hence the title of this post.  And I always thought that Cookaberry was my Daddy.  My lyrics are a little different than the original.  The second line is supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he.  But that didn't make sense to lil girls from Bed-Stuy.  Why would anyone want to be king of the rose bush in the front yard?  That thing used to always stick me.  And the last verse I made up when I was 8, after Daddy passed away...

Night of the Cookers

thats the name of a restaurant here in Brooklyn and where I went last night with Cousin T.  Cousin T and I try and have a lunch or dinner together at least once a month, but with all the Superslag drama, we haven't gotten a chance.  So I called her on Sunday, but she was busy and we made plans for one night after work.  Yesterday she calls to see if I'm busy and not only am I free but I'm actually showered and dressed!  She calls me back a lil while later to ask is I mind going out to dinner with two of her teacher buddies.  Actually not at all!  It is so refreshing to have a conversation with people who know things like avocado is a fruit, and what us American's consider yams are actually sweet potatoes, and that you cannot sail from NY to Alaska in 7 days.  (the first two things came up during dinner, and the last thing was a conversation that I had with Superslag back when we still spoke.)

There were 4 of us, three women ranging in age from 29 - 31 and one man who I think is about 26.  We started talking about how odd it was for us women to be in the majority.  (all three of us are slightly more comfortable hanging out with men than women)  And about how if you are the only woman out with a bunch of guys, no men will hit on you.  But if you are a guy out with a bunch of women, it seems to raise your stock.  We got drunk, we ate good food (with the exception of the mac and cheese, it was bland and seemed like they just dumped a bunch of cheese in some mac.  Mac and cheese is one of my specialties for I'm very critical of it) and we made plans to go out tonight.  I'm in charge of the planning, so I'll let you know how it goes.

Tiki's Turn

So I let Leggs do the 7 things about me post and now Tiki is jealous.  So here she is with 7 things that you may not know about my silly side...

1. When I was 3, I got my head stuck in a banister.  Still can't figure out how I got my head in there (my head always looks really BIG in pictures from when I was little) but I scared the crap out of Mommy.  She screamed and screamed until Aunt Bling came upstairs and helped to grease my head up...
2. I once almost drowned in a bubble bath that my cousins (Superslag and CoHo) were taking.  I don't remember this, but apparently I was about 2 and was fascinated with bubbles...
3. Clowns used to scare the crap out of me as a wee one.  And men on stilts, I was not a fun kid to take to the circus.  I would scream my head off just about the entire time
4. When I was 9 I almost drowned at Sesame Place.  I went down the water slide and I was having the time of my life til I hit the water.  I remember very vividly watching the lifeguards hand reaching down to me under the water.  Even after the near misses, I love the water
5. You know how some people can make a U out of their tongues?  Well I can make a W! (this might be something thats best explained in person) 
6. I used to make up songs as a kid and I would walk around all day singing to myself.  Never really had a problem entertaining myself, which is bad cause I never really felt pressure to make friends.  But since I can't stand to see people be uncomfortable (which alot of kids are when they don't know anyone), I usually befriended those kids.
7. I had my first fist fight in the 2nd grade.  Daddy was sick and this fat dumb bitch named Rebecca thought it would be a good time to pick on me.  We were in the auditorium after lunch (do they still play movies in public school after lunch?) and Rebecca said something about me being flat chested.  And I might have come back with something about her not having tits, she was just fat, and she decided she was feeling froggy and jumped.  Weeeeeeeeelll that was also the day that I found out that not only do I talk alot of shit, but I can back it up!  Since there was an auditorium full of kids that said that Rebecca started the fight, I never got in trouble, but her father did try to intimidate me one day after school, I told Mommy and she got all in his ass and the teachers for pointing me out to him.

           BONUS:  I used to be obsessed with telephones!  My Aunt Bling used to work for the telephone company so she had of these fancy phones in her apartment.  Good thing for her that telephone employees used to get free long distance calling, cause I was a dialing fool!  

           I was also quite the little thief, as a toddler I used to take people's earrings and necklaces off, mostly without them noticing.

Sorry!

Thanks for the kick in the ass Anners!  A lot happened this week..

*  I developed a new sleeping pattern where I fall asleep at 11:30 wake up at 1, fall asleep, wake up at 3, fall asleep and wake up at 6 at which point I either pee and fall back asleep or stare at the ceiling until its time to get up

*I went out with Bubba which was great.  But while I was waiting for him, I was hit on by a delivery guy and a homeless man, at the same time.  The homeless man was standing across from me in front of the restaurant that I was meeting Bubba at.  This woman walks up to look at the menu and the homeless guy gives her the side eye and says (I shit you not!) "Why you gotta be standing all close to me and shit!  Don't you see I'm crazy!  Stupid bitch" at which point I crack the fuck up.  Wrong thing to do, cause now the delivery guy who was sitting in the truck I was standing in front of decides to strike up a conversation, "You waiting for me to take you out to eat?"  Where are we going McDonalds?  So I'm politely ignoring him, which causes me to catch the homeless guys eye, "I had this lady, and she used to always ask me, how come you last so long, and I'd tell her, you just hold on baby, daddy's bout to come, and I'm gonna fill you up..."  Yeah rock and a hard place.  Luckily Bubba arrived not soon after and wanted to know why I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't catch my breath.

*I met Hautechick for what was supposed to be lunch, but we ended up in Club Monaco shopping for an outfit for the Artist.  Which made me realize that part of the reason that I miss having a man is cause I miss buying him clothes.  It was alot of fun helping Hautey dress the Artist though.  And I told her he would like a bow tie, she said no, then told him about my idea, and of course he loved it!

*I may be going to either Trinidad, Barbados, or Italy.  Not sure...

*I got lost in a mega Barnes and Nobles.  Usually I love the bookstore, but I couldn't find anything in this one, it was too big.  And there were people lying all over the floor.  Ok, I'm totally cool with people using the Barnes and Nobles as a library as long as they don't fuck up the books or LAY IN FRONT OF THE BOOKS!! Sure you may not want to buy something, but don't stop other people from buying stuff.   And they didn't have all of the new books out like they usually do.  So I ended up coming home and ordering the books I wanted from the b&n website.  I did get this baking handbook that has a recipe for bagels and english muffins.  I was going to bake a cake, but Mommy beat me to it.  Boy is it good - eating some now!

*I'm supposed to go to a party on Saturday...

*I gained 8 pounds!  Go TRex!  Mommy says I look alot better, that I was starting to look old ("You looked 25 instead of 21" which is crazy since I'm 30) and the extra weight is carried well.  Yeah, Trouble got her ass back

The Hair Story

I keep saying that I'm going to write about my locks, but just like maintaining them, it seems to take too much time.  Unlike my locks, I usually give up and end up saving the draft for a while.  So here it goes, the story of my hair...

I decided to lock my hair a little over 8 years ago.  I had gone through just about every style at that point.  Natural cornrows, extensions, partial weaves, relaxers, afros, almost bald, I even have a small collection of wigs.  Leggs still plays with the wigs from time to time, but thats a whole nother story.  The point is, I've tried it all.  In fact one of my traits, as voted on by my high school class mates, was my ever changing hair.  I saw Bubba this week and we were talking about how we both basically look the same as we always did.  I say, "well except for the locks." and he replies, "oh please, your hair was always changing."  

I started freshman year in college with a layered chin length bob (relaxed hair) came back from Christmas break with micro cornrows in the front and a curly afro weave in the back and in ended freshman year with a super short relaxed style a la early Toni Braxton or Halle.  I think that was the fourth of fifth style that I tried my freshman year, including a brief flirtation with some silky locks.

Sophomore year I returned with a 2 inch afro.  It grew, it shrunk, it constantly changed colors, sometimes it was braided, sometimes it was blown out.  I did everything with my hair that year partially cause Hautey was dating a kick ass stylist at the time and would give me a mayjah discount cause he was banging my sisty.  I stayed in New York to take a full time job my Junior year, and thats when I first thought about locking my hair.  It didn't happen because I was working at a Bank and my boyfriend at the time gave me a hard time about it.  Left the job and the man and finally locked my hair.

This is the longest that I've had my hair any one way in all of my life.  Not to mention that this is the longest that I've let my hair get.  I'm one of those women who has no problem chopping it all off if it gets to be too hot or too annoying.  But now I can't!  No I won't chop it off, no matter how many times my locks get stuck under my pocketbook strap and pull, or get in my mouth, or smack me in the eye, or tickle my neck or back and scare the crap out of me.  I've spent too much time on them.  I started them myself with the help of Mommy, and for the occasional trip to the African women or salon, I've pretty much always maintained them on my own as well.  Last weekend when I did them it took me a total of 4 and a half hours.  That included washing, conditioning, tightening, and drying them.  My arms were killing me.  And thats always the point when I weaken and think about how much I miss having almost no hair.

And as I take all the pins out and wrap it up so that I can sleep with out pulling all my locks out and keeping my edges neat, I always think to myself, this is a pain in the fucking ass!  But in the morning, when the sun hits them and they smell all luscious and feel all soft and wonderful, I remember how much I love my hair.  Those are usually the days that someone compliments me on my locks.  Its also usually the day that some strange man tries and smells my hair...

Big Baby!

Spotted ovah at DListed
source

Cause Screaming and Crying Sound Pretty Damn Good To Me Right Now...

Thank you YouTube

A Spoonful of Sugar

• I'm going through some shit right now. Not my usual, I don't feel well, I'm too busy to blog type shit. I'm talking life altering. I'm not really sure how I feel about it so I'm not in any mood to share. At least not yet. So forgive me if I start rambling and you aren't really sure what I'm talking about. But just know that there was no loss of life limb or livelihood. Oh and I'm not pregnant

• I'd love to become a pastry chef (I think I mentioned this last week) but the program that I want is $33,000 for the 6 month program with internships and job placement.
  
• I'm sorry I haven't been leaving comments for you guys, Snarky has become straight out Bitchy lately and I didn't want to subject you guys to that. But I have been reading up.
• I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FALL INTO A FUNK!
• I love commercials, but there are a couple out there that annoy the shit out of me... The Sandwich shop one where the dad starts whining like a brat so the wife will buy him a sandwich, and the kid misses his baseball game because of it. The Office Supply Store Holiday commercial where Santa gets snowed in and calls in the Office Supply Store for help, it shows kids getting excited because they got a stapler AND pencils and Rudolph stealing a truck. (excuse me for a moment while Tiki takes over) Uh, Santa lives in the North Pole, you really think he doesn't know how to handle snow? And what the hell does Rudolph need with a truck when he can fly? Don't even get me started on the shiteous gifts. Oh and lastly the credit card commercial where there are all these scissors on the ground - thats the stuff of nightmares for me.
  
• A couple of months ago, LadyShay pointed out this medication that had some pretty scary side effects. Well I was looking at a commercial for this drug that is supposed to be for men that have an overactive bladder. The premise being that its embarrassing to have to pee all the time. BUT one of the major side effects is loss of consciousness upon standing. So let me get this straight, taking a piss isn't manly, but passing the fuck out everytime you stand up is?
• ALVIN AILEY AMERICAN DANCE THEATER has started its new season AND THEY ARE DOING FIREBIRD! They are performing in NY until December 31st and for the rest of the stops on the tour go here

They are going to Jacksonville FL, Costa Mesa Berkeley and Davis CA, and Seattle WA. I don't see any Texas dates though...

Cold Ain't Cute...

...and neither is stupid!

This weekend Mommy and I took a trip to see my Other Mother. Other Mother and Mommy have been friends since they were 14. Other Mother's parents had dropped her off in Brooklyn (she's from Queens) to visit her cousin (a neighbor and friend of Mommy's) but she wasn't home. Mommy, in a fit of unheard of friendliness, offered to hang out with Other Mother for the day and a TRUE friendship was born. It blossomed even more when two years later my Nana moved the family to Queens, not to far from Other Mother's house. There will be more on Other Mother later, as she's a hoot.

Anyway, Mommy and I stopped by Other Mother's house and Other Mother's 16 year old grandson stopped by to clean up the leaves in the backyard. Now, he's a good kid, doesn't cause too much trouble, but he showed up to clean up the leaves at about 4:45 pm (which if you're on the East Coast you know is right before darkness falls) and he has a little friend with him. At this juncture, I feel it might be prudent to denote that Grandson is a gorgeous gorgeous boy. He's already about 6'1", beautiful clear dark brown skin, huge luminous brown eyes framed by some of the longest lashes you evah did see, and cheek bones you could cut a steak on. Of course I could be partial since he's like my little cousin and I think they are all beautiful. Also in his favor is the fact that he doesn't seem at all aware of the fact that he is gorgeous. So it was no surprise to me, Mommy or Other Mother to find out that his little friend was a girl. Seemingly nice little brown girl who looked her age (I CANNOT STAND seeing these 16 and 17 year olds looking like they're in their 30s) BUTTTTTT it was cold as shit this weekend in NYC (I had to fucking shovel snow yesterday, but thats another story) and all she had on was a little leather bomber jacket and some Air Force Ones (are those like the $54.11's of the new power generation? and in case I just dated myself of people outside of NYC dont call them that, $54.11's are those Reebok high tops that were so popular in the 90s) to sit in the backyard and watch Grandson rake leaves. No gloves, no hat, no scarf, and as tight as her jeans were, I'm betting no long johns or tights either.

Needless to say (cause they are true mothers) Other Mother and Mommy had lil Miss bundled up in a wool shawl and faux-fur headband before allowing her to go back outside with Grandson. They were alot nicer to her than they were to me that time I was in high school and was too lazy to put my tights on after a basketball game and rode home on the train bare legged. I'm still hearing about how crazy I was to do something like that. "Oh, and remember a couple of years ago when she got that cropped wool jacket! Now that was silly!" I wore that jacket exactly 3 times before I realized that it WAS really stupid to think that something that stopped at my belly button would keep me warm in the winter.