Richmond

A couple of weeks ago Four asked me to go to a wedding with him. So I'm currently in Richmond, VA sweating my ass off for a couple of reasons. First reason, it's hot as the hinges of hell down here. Second reason, it's the first time that I have gone out of town with a man. Third reason, it's a wedding and for some reason all of my friends think that its a big step in our relationship that he invited me to a wedding. Fourth reason, Chick-fil-A next door to a 5 Guys - I'm in fattening fast food heaven!I could probably continue the list of my anxieties into infinity but it seems pointless.

I actually spent most of yesterday alone because Four was coming from a consulting job so we took different planes into town. It was actually good cause it gave me time to calm my nerves. He's back so moe later!

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship.  We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day.  This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro.  Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was.  He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while.  He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance.  One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out!  Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to.  On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along?  Most definitely.  I put alot of thought into my outfit.  Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag.  Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female.  So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt.  Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go.  Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me.  I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.  

Four gives great hugs.  I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch.  But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it!  But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner.  We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there.  Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing.  But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side.  We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance."  That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?"  But no the second thing is not true.  I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.)  So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four.  I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling.  Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted.  Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice.  And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go.  We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great.  We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either.  He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that.  He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off.  Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date.  I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like?  So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door.  For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs.  It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss.  So what do I do?  I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him.  You'd be wrong.  Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me.  You'd still be wrong.  You know what my smooth ass does?  I mush him!

Whatever doesn't kill me...

This past year has really been a test for me in all aspects of my life.  Career, education, personal relationships, self esteem - it all went to shit.  But I'm thankful for all the crappy things that I went through.  The second lay-off proved to be a blessing in disguise, although truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasted alot of times thinking hateful things at that woman. (sidebar - what kind of idiot hires back someone who quit less than a year before to go follow their dreams?!? but at this point I laugh at her stupidity and wish the two of them all that they deserve) And that just sent off a spiral of realizations.

I spent all of my energy and time working and I neglected myself to the point where I wondered if I would be able to pick up the pieces.  Stopped going to school to finish my degree because I was "needed" at work.  And all for what?  Nothing that had any real value to me as an individual.  Buying the house was about the only thing that was worthwhile from that whole career woman endeavor.  I sacrificed alot of relationships in order to be there for a man that was paying my bills (BossMan) but did nothing else for me.  I realized alot about myself last September.  First and foremost was that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are alot more people out there in worse situations than I was in.

Second thing that I realized was that I really didn't like the work that I had been doing.  Sure, being a personal/executive assistant was easy for me, especially since I've always been able to keep smiling no matter what the circumstances, but it wasn't anything that I was passionate about.  I also realized that I missed my drive, my passion, my reason de etre.  I missed being creative and relatively carefree.  I missed waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and I was determined to get that back in my life.

Then I realized that I have a tendency to over think things.  There was a time when the people who know me would describe me as adventurous or spontaneous.  I was famous for leaping without looking but somehow always making it work.  Not so true anymore.  I wondered when I became such a worry wort and somehow I managed to start worrying about that!

I took a look back at my life and saw that I've been working full time since I was 19 and decided it was time for a break.  Especially when I realized that I have never been on unemployment in my life.  Six months was the longest time that I had ever been out of work and I'm not sure that counts since I was still being paid.  So I decided to take some time off.  Time off from work, time off from worry, time off from the things that stole my joy.

So I went back to school in January, and maybe it was the leap without looking part of me that made me think I should take 5 classes (one writing intensive) my first semester back in about 6 or 7 years.  Well guess what?  I kicked ass!  Turned out a 29 page research paper that I still can't believe that I pulled off and so far I've got 2 A's and 2 A-'s (still waiting for that fifth grade.)  Two more classes and an internship (that I actually already did) and I'm done with my BA.  Decided to go for my masters in Urban Planning or Affairs (haven't quite decided which one) and I'm thinking maybe about teaching - got an offer to assistant teach Urban Studies at the high school I graduated from - no pay, but I think I will really enjoy doing it.

I've reconnected with alot of people (thanks facebook) and put myself out there and made alot of new friends.  Speaking of reconnecting, I'm actually seeing someone now who makes me extremely happy - someone that I've known for years.  Had we reconnected last year this time, I'm pretty sure that I would have screwed it up, but so far so great.  He really makes me feel incredibly special and sexy and I'm pretty sure that I make him feel the same way.  But we are taking it slow because regardless of what happens between us, I don't want to lose him again.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to.  Reevaluating, readjusting, relearning and most importantly living.  What the fuck have you guys been up to!?!?!

Kisses bitches!

Yours truly, Trouble