John Holmes

I work with some pretty cool diverse people. When I first started here, I was the only non Turk. Then I was still the only American born person for about 3 years or so. Then we got Buzz, who looks and acts like The Prototype for a GrandDad, he's great. But then it was all downhill from there.

The next American born person is this dude, lets call him JohnHolmes cause for a little while he had this pervy porn star mustache that no one could keep a straight face around. (When he came into the office with it, BossMan's eyes bugged out and he had to close his office door to compose himself. Fucked up thing is that when he closes his door everything just echoes so you could hear him laughing all around the office!) JohnHolmes, I think, was probably picked on as a kid. A lot. And as a result hes a huge jerk, kissassy and phony one minute, and insulting and jerky the next. One day Mommy came to the office and he's all "Oh, you could be sisters! Did you know that Trouble always sells me the stuff that you bake?(lie) Oh, yeah she really hates it so you can just send it directly to me! Guffaw Guffaw! Ha!" And she gets in my office and is like "What a phony ass!" One day he had to go to Brooklyn for something and he comes up to me and is like "Yo Trouble What it be! (he says that to me all the time, and I always ask him if he's ever heard me speak like that) When I get to Brooklyn should I do this so I fit in?" "This" was throwing up what I assume was the gang sign for wack ass bad dressing jewish guys. And of course I told him to go right the fuck ahead and do that shit in Brooklyn. I was hoping that he might not come back. Oh, then there was the time that I wore my black and white gingham print full skirted shirt dress (very 50's!) and he told me I looked like a maid and I told him to bite me. Or the time I wore my grey and white plaid babydoll dress and he asked me where the bottom half of my outfit was. And he's the same person that told me that I'm gonna die cause I eat cheesefries and burgers alot. Isn't that incredibly rude? He really said "Your gonna die really soon if you keep eating like that." How I eat at work is nothing like how I eat outside of work. Needless to say I don't like the asshat.

JohnHolmes is also the person that told OfficeManager that she shouldn't buy cookies for the office anymore because they are bad for us. What he really meant is that he has no self control. He'll go into the Pantry and break a piece off of a cookie and then leave the rest of the cookie for someone else, like anyone wants to eat after his mouthopen lipsmackin ass. Whenever I see the broken cookies I always pretend to freak out, loud enough for the whole office to hear, "EWWWWWWWW! Somebody took a bite outta this cookie and then put it back!!!! Grooooooooossssss!" It's not like they're huge cookies either. And he's also the person that yelled Bloody Murder when I wiped the table in the break room off with a Clorox Bleach wipe. "What are you trying to kill us all!" No actually I'm trying to prevent myself from getting the 7 or 8 colds I end up with cause you momofokos dont know when to stay your asses home! And while I'm at it, cover your fucking mouth when you cough. He also told the cleaning woman not to wipe his chair off with bleach because it was ruining his clothes. Like the fact that he's been wearing the same pants since the early 80s has nothing to do with the fact they are falling apart.

But the real reason that I can't stand his ass is cause he's incredibly jealous of BossMan. He'll say shit to me like, "Boy I bet BossMans two boys are really spoiled huh?" Which actually they aren't, they are incredibly polite funny little guys. On the other hand I've heard both of John Holmes kids BANG (hang up) on him, and he calls them back talkinbout "Don't do that to Daddy, it's not nice." How bout when I get home I'm gonna beat your bad little ass. Sheeet I never even once thought about hanging up on Mommy. BossMan takes his plane to Europe and John Holmes finds a reason to come into my office. "So how much does it cost for him to take the plane to Europe?" I say the same thing which is only half a lie, "I don't know" which I don't but if I wanted I could find out. And then he goes on and on about what a waste of money it is and it has to be more than flying first class. Actually Shitstacks its about the same price or not too far off. It might be cheaper if you factor in that the last two times they flew commercial, somebody made off with some of their bags, locks and all. And when ever BossMan asks me to help JohnHolmes by entering data into a spreadsheet, he steals my work! I mean its not like he can pass if off as his own, but he'll cut all the data out of my spreadsheets (that are on the server and public to all in the office) and puts it in his spreadsheets (which are only on his computer which is password protected) so I always have to ask his for permission to access the work I fucking did!

So today when BossMan printed out an email from JohnHolmes (BossMan and I share a printer which of course is in my office) I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty for reading that shit. And oooooooh boy, it was a good thing I did! Cause in it, he's basically ratting out two of my favorite people in the office Giraffe the Architect (really dudes like 6'7") and Frenchie the Interior Desinger (zee iz really quite nayce.) Well actually what he whined was that they keep brushing him off when he asks them to help him with his project. Like they don't have other shit to do, which is basically what BossMan said to him only alot louder and which much more foul language. And of course I went and gave Frenchie and Giraffe a heads up, complete with a copy of the email (that was later burned to protect the innocent, namely me!)