A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

The Rat

So I'm at Nostrand Avenue train station, which is just about as bad as Utica for sighting rats.  I'm walking toward the back of the Express platform because even though I need the local, I know that downstairs is like, I can't even come up with something its like cause its like nothing else you've ever seen.  Rats every fucking where.  And bold as shit too, don't think that stomping your foot is going to scare them off.  So, I'm walking towards the back of the train and I see dude sitting there and I'm thinking that I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting on the stairs with as many rats as there are at Nostrand.  And just as I think that I see a rat by the edge of the platform.  I'm still kinda far, Nostrand Ave is a long ass station, but it looks like the rat is closer to me than the man is.  So I keep walking and as is my way, my mind starts to wonder.  Where the fuck it goes, I haven't the foggiest, so if you come across it, just make sure it doesn't cause too much damage.  (I was going to say trouble, but you were expecting that weren't you?)

I had my iPod with me so I'm sure I was singing along to something.  All of a sudden I see the man jump up about 5 feet in the air and I see the rat running away.  What.  The. Fuck.  Right?  I mean did I really just see that.  Did I really just see that rat sneak up on the dude and try to crawl up his shorts?!?  Yes.  The.  Fuck.  I.  Did.  And nearly passed the fuck out for him.  I mean the leap in the air, in retrospect, was hilarious.  But I couldn't even laugh because I was so fucking disgusted.  So dude says to me, "You didn't just see that!  You can not tell anyone one that you saw me scream like a girl."  And I'm all private school snarky ass black chick with the, "Seriously are you kidding me?!?  It was a fucking rat in your pants!   I sooooo saw that and I'm soo writing about it on my blog!"

The Whatnot

If you were wondering where I've been, I was severely depressed after LadyShay came to New York, turned me on to the ways of Sapphic love and then abandoned me.  After which I briefly stalked Taimak from the Last Dragon, which lead me to discover the death of Julius Carry which further deepened my depression.  The situation was further exacerbated (whoa, I spelled that right on the first try- and I'm about to use it correctly!) when I discovered that two of the most disgusting, unattractive people I know are getting married (If a woman who has no problem spreading her thighs on the beach so that she can pick at her numerous razor bumps and I guy who has so many cavities that he doesn't even have to open his mouth for you to see them can find love, why the fuck can't I?  Probably cause my ass is way too picky for some of these half assed dudes...) The depression abruptly lifted upon discovering the deliciousness that is Peaches (a restaurant) and smothering my blues in copious amounts of Chicken Fried Chicken from the Comfort Diner, Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries from 5 Guys (I am obsessed with 5 Guys - The Artist calls them crackburgers), spoiling my Mom with a Mojito soaked lunch at Cabana, discovering the funnocity that is Wii, washing an incredibly big dog who hates water and throwing myself into my work.  You would think that I'd have gained some weight, but you'd be wrong, tummy's still 100 good sit ups away from a 6 pack.  Ahh it is wonderful to be naturally thin. (and don't worry that food was supplemented with organic heart healthy oatmeal for breakfast and plenty of fruits and vegetables!)  

Smooches Hooches!

SuperSlagalicious!

That's not to be confused with the Swagalicious one

One day, I'm on my way to work and the trains were all kind of fucked up. Luckily I end up practically chest to chest with this dreaded wonder that was about 6'4".  Unfortunately I was too close to look at his face without him knowing full well that I was looking at his face, so I'll just have to imagine that he was cute.  15 minutes and 1 whole stop later (despite what you may think about NYC, that is definitely not the norm) I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I manage to wiggle around and who should it be but my infamous cousin SuperSlag.  I really want to be snarky after her whole "I will do whatever I have to so that I don't ever have to take the train again" spiel about 5 years ago.  But in reality I'm kind of proud that she returned that ugly ass Jag rather than have it repossessed - like her other cars.  (ooops!  I guess I just can't contain the snark)

So she gets off at her stop and I continue on my journey.  Get off to transfer trains and there is literally a sea of people heading away from the platform that I'm heading to.  Nobody bothers to mention to the people heading up the platform that the trains aren't running until I run into Keek - one of SuperSlags bestest since like the early 80s.  Now I will say this about SuperSlag, I really can't knock most of her friends.  I'm not talking about the people that she brings around.  I'm talking about people that she's been hanging out with for like evah.   Like me actually or even Cousin T.  Her other bestest, E is also cool as hell.  Anyway, Keek tells me what's going on with the trains (somebody passed the fuck out on the train and service was suspended) and she's heading the same way as me so we head on uptown together using another train (and another fucking transfer damn it!)

I tell her its crazy that I ran into her cause I just saw SuperSlag on the train, and she hits me with a very suspicious "Really."  I ignore the interesting tone and continue on with, "Yeah two people I never see on the train and I run into both of you within 10 minutes of one another!"  What can I say, I can be chipper as fuck and play ignorant like the best of them.  I didn't know what had happened, but obviously something was up.  Keeks goes on to tell happy sweet Tiki (she's known me since I was a kid, and I really am a sweetheart to people I like.  Problem is I don't like most people.) that she's about to take SuperSlag to court for the $2000 she loaned her back in the beginning of the year.  Turns out when SuperSlag needed to find a new apartment it was Keek's uncle that let her move into one of the houses that he owns.  Turns out that after WackThug left SuperSlag, Keeks was the one to bring her food when she found out from her cousin that lives downstairs that SuperSlag hadn't been out of the apartment in about a week.  Turns out that when SuperSlag couldn't pay her rent a couple of months later, it was Keeks that loaned it to her - something that no one in the family knew.  (I can honestly say that at one point or another, just about all of her family members have lent her money to pay rent ect. and not gotten a penny of it back, myself and Mommy included.)  Turns out that Keeks even gave her a couple of months to pay it back.

And you know what SuperSlag does?  She stops answering the phone when Keeks calls and then she stops answering the phone when E calls too.  She's avoiding her bestest like the plague.  So she's getting sued.  And you just might get the chance to watch it on Judge Judy!

Whew!

Ok, 4 post in one day.  I think that should be enough to get you through the week.  But I got one more story.  Ok, 2 more stories that I think you'll enjoy...

• So its hot as the hinges of hell in New York right now.  Has been for the last 3 weeks or so.  And humid as shit!  So I woke up on Saturday and took Duke outside in the backyard and decided that he looked hot and needed a haircut.  Now I should point out that I've given Duke a haircut a couple of times and it generally comes out looking good.  Not so this time.  I don't know if it was because I was hot (I mean I was sweating buckets out there!)  or because Duke was hot (he kept fidgeting) or because Mommy jinxed me ("Wow, it really looks like you know what your doing!"  that was about 5 minutes before I took entirely too much off of his back left leg.  Then he wouldn't give me his back right leg so that I could at least even it out!)  Needless to say, my poor Pooper looks a mess.  So bad that everytime I see him I say "Awwww, I'm sorry!"  At least he's a lot cooler now.  I, on the other hand, gave myself heat stroke out there cutting all that fucking hair off.  I was thisclose to passing the fuck out.
• After the heat stroke/bad doggy haircut debacle, I decided that I was going to take it easy on Sunday.  Go get a mani/pedi and then go pick up dinner so that Mommy wouldn't have to cook.  I was going to say Mommy or I, but who am I kidding, I'm allergic to the stove in the summer.  So I get the mani/pedi (no thank you, designs are fine for some people, but fuck no I don't want polka dots on my toes!) and then stop at the ATM and hop on the train at Kingston/Throop to go get some food.  I walk towards the back of the platform, but not too far cause I don't want the rats to get me.  I'm waiting, I'm waiting.  Everything copacetic until the train comes cause it brings a big ass rat with it!  The rat in on the platform running from the train and heading right the fuck for me!  I can admit I screamed a la Mariah, but I bet any of your asses would have done the same damned thing if you saw a NYC subway rat charging up the platform at your ass!  So I'm screaming and running away from the rat and the people waiting in the middle of the train platform and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, UNTIL they see the rat then those mutherfuckers start hitting high notes too.  So the train stops and the people getting off the train are looking at the people on the platform like we all lost our minds.  AND then, they see the rat and a couple of them seriously looked like they were contemplating hopping right the fuck back on the train.  That is until it looked like that was what the rat was going to do too...

Oh shit, I just remembered that I had a CWAAZZZY story to tell you about SuperSlag - somebody remind me...

Ben

That's what I'm naming the dancing rat. Cause I swear its the same one. I almost got a picture of him this morning with a cupcake, but my clumsiness and the arriving train conspired against you. I stood there for about 3 minutes chuckling while the lil fucker tried to drag that cupcake all the way across the track and under the third rail. When he first found it, he did his little dance, then he got took a bite and got spooked and ran away. (Ben is like greased lighting, bitch can move!) Then he came back, nibbled a bit, got hopped up on sugar and thought he was SuperRat. Able to jump burning third rails with a single bound. It was a close thing but he got it. Then he did a little dance and I laughed and the lady with no teeth looked at me like I was crazy.

Maybe tomorrow morning...
this is what my life has come to, getting my shits and grins from a fucking rat. Yeah Harley, NY is so fucking glamorous.

Mwahahahahahahah!*

*no reason for this title except its Halloween and you can always use a good evil laugh on All Hallows Eve. Or Samhain, (blooger must be strictly Christian cause it don't know that word) which means Summers End in some other language.

DONT FORGET TO SET YOUR CLOCKS BACK ON SUNDAY (fall back momofoko, I don't know you like that!)

So I gave myself the day off, cause I was hella busy today and I noticed that I've been doing a lot of post lately. Each month has more post that the one before it. But as you can see, I couldn't stay away. I got the broadband fixed on the macbook, but I spent last night watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition on abc.com. I really like that show, even if it makes me cry every week. This week they helped out a Navajo boy and his family. This little dude didn't have heat in the trailer that they were living in so he invented a solar powered heater for his mom and little sister. I mean homeboy went to the junkyard found some old cans and made that shit work. AND all the while he was going to a school that lacked proper science equipment. They built him and his sisters a green house, complete with sedum on the roof, solar panels that following the sun, and a wind turbine. Plus it lookded (sorry I typed that by mistake but left it in cause it irks me to no end when I hear people say it) amazing.

Something weird happened to me last night. I was walking to the train station after work, on the phone telling Mommy that I was on my way, when I hear someone say, "Wow, beautiful locks." I turn around and look up into some of the nicest eyes I've seen in a long time. No need to tell you that I got off the phone with Mommy quick fast in a hurry. He introduces himself asks if I'm on my way to the train station and if he can walk me. Big pretty man wants to walk me to the train, heck yeah! Pleasant conversation for the most part, but he was weird. He had locks too, but he cut them off, and was carrying them around in his backpack. He's telling me how he's gonna glue them on a cap and wear them for All Hallows. Typical, he cute and crazy. So we get to the train station and he's all, "Well it was nice meeting you Trouble" and I'm all "It was nice meeting you too!" eyes all a twinkling smile all bright and shiny, but I gotta admit that I forgot homeboys name as soon as he told me about the hair in his bag. And he's kinda holding on to my hand, and I let him for a minute. But I have a short attention span so I pulled free and he let me go with a maybe I'll see you around.

Not that I was into crazy pretty boy but I think I'm a little offended that he didn't ask for my number...

Insomniac...

...I come back!

I'm feelin a little strange. I haven't really been able to sleep. I have a million and one natural and man made remedies, but by the time I realize "Hey, shouldn't I be sleeping?" its usually too late to take something. So I've been getting by on about 4 hours sleep a night for about the last two weeks and spending most of the day on the weekend in bed. Which got me to thinking that I really want to do my bedroom over. I love the colors that I painted it a couple of years ago but I want some furniture, nothing to big but I want to make it really comfortable so even if I can't sleep I'll feel relaxed. If I can just finish the bedroom, I can move on to the living room...

So last night I was upstairs watching tv with Mommy and as usual, I stated getting sleepy so I headed downstairs. But then I remembered that I wanted to start clearing off the futon in the living room so that I can get rid of it. Its pretty much a dumping ground right now since I dont use the living room. I started putting stuff on it, like the handbags I wasn't using, to keep Duke from jumping up there. But then a couple of handbags turned into a couple of jackets and some cardiagans, and my heels that I carry to work (bad back, plus sneakers are better for running from rats. and I thought that rats and mice aren't supposed to cohabitate? cause there sure as hell was a mouse in the train station today) So I decided to put all my Coach bags back into their sleepers and into a big container. When I finished I went into the kitchen and I dont know what I was doing (it couldn't have been washing dishes, cause I hate washing dishes) but I noticed that the sink was dirty, so I cleaned it. Then I remembered that I got some new oils so I dipped some incense. And I had to pee, and I noticed the tub was dirty, so I cleaned it. Then I remembered that I went to Barnes and Nobles and got Laurell K. Hamilton's newest book, A Lick of Frost. It was really good, which is basically where I was today.

Welll, thats not really true. I read most of it last night and the rest today at work. Bossman didn't come into the office til like noon so I used the two hours to put a serious dent in the second half of the book. Then we were pretty busy, and I used the downtime to finish and start the book again. I finished it to fast and I liked it so I'm gonna read it again to see if I missed anything. Then I might go back and read the one that was before it again just to pull everything together.

Plus I'm still a little short on sleep so I'm not entirely sure that I didn't make some parts up. Oh and how could I forget the hellish knot that I had in my back all day (see previous reference to said bad back) I couldn't even raise my right arm to put on my itty bitty bra! By the time I got to work I was doing most shit lefty cause it hurt like heeeellllll. Even taking a deep breathe hurt. By like 2 the heat sticker thingy I put on it started loosening it up enough that I wasn't making faces anymore.

(Since I'm kinda lucid right now I figure I should just do one big ass mondo mega post while I can so bear with me, lets see what else comes out)

It is exactly one month til my 30th birthday. I'm not as excited as I usually get. What I would really like to do is get a private room at a nice restaurant and inviting everyone I love everything on me. Buuuuuuut, I know thats not gonna happen. I love too many flakes and complainers (me included!) I sure as hell dont want to go to a club. My dream birthday would be to rent a house in the Barbados and tell everybody to come on down! But I'm too much of a misanthrope to make that a reality. Maybe I'll go to Montana and learn to ride horses...

Speaking of my birthday, I always buy myself a gift. Usually its jewelery or a bag. So this year I started looking and I actually have a little more to play with this year and I can't find shit I want. When I do see something I like I inevitably end up thinking its overpriced, even when it still falls withing my budget.

And speaking of overpriced, have you ever heard of bag borrow or steal? Its this club that lets you borrow designer handbags and accessories by the week or month. They have all the big names and its like $80 a week to borrow a Chloe bag. But you pay a annual dues of some amount I can't remember. Go look that shit up if you're really interested. But in any case, what do you guys think about that? I mean on the one hand, I have a lot of handbags so I always feel guilty when I buy more, but I always do want to buy more! And this would let me have access to all the bags I dream about without the guilt. Right? On the other hand, I hate paying for shit that I'm not gonna own. And what if I love one of them and have to have it? Or what if I love them all and don't want to give it back? And what if they send me one and I think its in bad condition? (I do remember that they have insurance, but I'm saying can I say "Oh this one has a discoloration send me a fresher one please?" if I'm not happy with what they send me?

I asked Hautechick last week before I decided that she was a jerk (she sent me an email saying that she just wanted to know if I was ok since she hadn't heard from me, Uh, thats cause you left me hanging jerkorella) and she said that she didn't like the idea of it cause then you have all of these women rocking bags that they couldn't really afford otherwise and not doing them justice. I can afford them, I just think its stoopid to pay that much for a bag. Unless its Coach, or on sale I can't resist when something is marked down. Thats how I got my Botkier Bombay bag, which I don't carry nearly enough. Thats a great bag. Real bad ass.

I think my favorite songs on The Reminder are The Water, Intuition and Sea Lion Woman. Ok, I think thats all I got for tonight, gonna go finish rereading the book.

Seriously Dude

So Monday night I'm on my way home and the train is seriously crowded. Theres this asian chick hugging the pole but she can't help it. She's got a dog in a carrier, two huge ass bags, and it looks like shes trying to study for a test (looked like philosophy.) A seat opens up behind her and I see this behemoth bitch lumbering over to it, pushing lil old ladies out of her way in her efforts to get to this seat (which I dont think she would have fit in anyway.) So what do I do? I tap the asian chick on the shoulder, show her the seat and then set a screen so she can get to it before Big Bertha. "Thank you soo much!" It was so worth it just to see the look on Big Bertha's face. Oooooo weee did she give me the evil eye, and I smiled back at her like sugar wouldn't melt in my mouth.

Then a while later this young dude was standing slight behind and the the left of me and was reaching over my head to hold on to the pole. He kept knocking into me and saying "I'm sorry!" and was clearly as uncomfortable as I was so I said, "Hey, why don't you switch arms so we can both be more comfortable." For some reason this made him get a little bashful, instead of his arm being over my head it was now kinda reaching around me, but it worked and I didn't get bumped anymore. But I do think he might have been sniffing me...

Hurry Blooger is shutting down at 7!

yes I said blooger on purpose, like booger. Anywho, the root canal wasn't so bad. I'm just really sleepy and my jaw is a little sore (from holding it open for so long). But my dentist rocks - he's got really small strong hands and gives out the bestest drugs - so I didn't feel a thing. Even after the lydacaine (sp? that shit that makes you numb) wore off all that I really felt was the stiff jaw and the shredded lip (I somehow managed to mangle my lip on the way home even though the dental assistant told me "be careful you dont bite your lip!")

But my dentist is about 45 minutes away from my house and about an hour away from my job. So while I can take the train from work straight to the dentist, the easiest way to get home is to take the bus. It stop by my dentist is actually the last stop on that line, and it drops me off 4 doors away from my house which is cool. Or would be if I didn't hate the bus. And this bus is always crowded cause it runs all the damn way through Brooklyn. But I get on at the first stop so I always get a good seat. Except this time cause when I left the dentist I saw the bus pulling away from the stop. It has to make this elaborate turn to get back on route so I hustled my skinny ass and beat it to the next stop. But I end up sitting in the front and I'm a middle of the bus kinda woman. (I dont know what that means, still a lil loopy) So I'm in one of the single seats that faces forward and the bus is getting crowded. Question: How is it that West Indian woman are able to find 30 different patterns that will all be the same exact colors?

So I'm sitting there, on the phone with Mommy, and this older West Indian woman is like "Oh baby can I just put my bags right here by you?" Nother Question: Why is it that when guys I'm seeing call me something like Babygirl I giggle and when women call me something like that I bristle? Of course you know she didn't wait for an answer and proceeded to reach past 2 other people that were standing closer to me and drop her bags on my feet. ON MY FEET! So I kicked them off and said as sweetly as possible (while on of her apples rolls outta the bag and around the bus, cause I kicked her shit. That's right I kicked it!) "Ok, but how about you put them by my feet, not on my feet." Mommy starts cracking up and so does the woman sitting behind me. But I wasn't trying to be funny...

Pet Peeves

I haven't done this in awhile...

• People who walk up or down the escalator then stop like 10 feet from the end and then ride off. KEEP WALKING ASSHOLE, there are people behind you! These folks must be genetically related to the tardos who get off the escalator and then stand there like the escalator landing is one of the magical places that expands to fit all that enter. I push those folk, and when the say "Excuse me!" all affronted and shit, I say, "You're excused." I also hate the people who don't "Hold your child, fold your stroller!" (at least thats what the PA system for NYC says) and the people who don't notice that the people who want to walk down are on the left and the standers are on the right. Then when you ask them to move to the other side they get all indignant like, "Why didn't you just walk down the stairs?!" because there are like 80 bagillion of them, and since we're on the why didn't you game, why didn't you stand on the other side like the rest of the standers.
  
• This is kinda related to the escalators but deserves its own BULLET BULLET (sorry I like that Uncle Murda song) If more people would walk down the escalator instead of standing, I swear there wouldn't be such an obesity problem in the US. Move those large asses people!
• Please please please put the lid down on the toilet. Not just the seat, the whole lid. Think about it, the flush is strong enough to suck your shit down ergo it must be strong enough to send millions of fecal germs into the air everytime you flush. Don't believe me? Fine, lay a piece of paper across the toilet then flush. NO WAIT, thats gross cause youll be standing there breathing in shit particles. Instead, put the lid down flush the toilet then take a piece of tp and wipe the inside of the lid. It's wet isn't it? Yeah, fuckin yuck! Even those low flow toilets splash water. You should see me in public restrooms that don't have lids. Hell you should see me in ones that do have lids, I'm just as paranoid. Flushing only when I'm ready to run out, sometimes holding my breath, sometimes with a piece of tp over my mouth and nose...
  

Ishy Coo Coo

I had an aunt that used to say "Ishy Coo Coo" when she thought something was gross. She also stole the membership dues for the bubble club (my sisters childhood gang) and beat me with a slipper once.

Anywho, this morning I got off the train on my way to work head to the turnstiles that leads to the street and I see about 3 of the turnstiles are roped off. Why oh why did I look down?! Someone took a big old shit in front of one of the turnstiles and someone else was unlucky enough to step all up in it.

Curiosity killed my breakfast...

The Couple...

The Couple That Plays Together... 

In March, my work hours officially changed from 9:30am - 7 pm to 10:30 am - 8 pm. (Now by officially I mean my boss asked me why I was always late and I something along the lines of why am I always here til almost 8. We fuss at each other but I think my boss is great. Its a very give and take relationship. He gives me access to all the information he receives and always takes time to answer my questions, even if I'm just being curious. And in turn I provide him with hours upon hours of comic relief by tripping, stuttering, messing with telemarketers (he hates telemarketers), giggling for no apparent reason and most importantly ignoring him when he starts yelling like a loon. And by 8, I mean 8:15 or later cause as soon as I say, "Do you need anything before I go?" he thinks of something that I absolutely must do before I go home or the world will end.) But before my hours changed I used to see this nice looking black man on the train all the time. He'd get on the train a couple of stops after me and transfered when I did, so he would be on the train with me for just about my entire commute. At first, Dude would give me the "Hey Respectable Black Person" nod (not to be confused with the "What Up My Niggro" nod), but at some point it changed into the "Hey you sexy caramel thang" grin. Dude was alright in the face and kinda on the short side, but his style was definitely on point. So while I wasn't jumpin on him, I would give him the patented Leggs Diamond "Thank you, Ain't I A Bad Bitch?" smirk. This went on for months, then one day he gets on the train with a woman. I'm not jealous, in fact I thought that they made a really nice looking couple (ya know how some people are just alright by themselves, but put them with their significant other and all of a sudden it's like they just glow? Something about being in love (or lust) just makes them sooo much more...) But then he whispers something in her ear and she turns around to look at me and then smiles. Now sometimes I'm a little slow, so my first thought was that he told her that I flirt with him and she's giving me the "Yeah he's cute, thanks for the compliment, but he's mine" smile. But there was a little heat to it. Confused, I just flashed some teeth and went back to reading my book. A couple of weeks go by and I continue to see them on the train. Quite often they would sit across from me and not quite stare (I'd look up and they'd be in the process of looking away.) So now I'm getting kinda paranoid, is something hanging out of my nose, did I miss a button, fart and not realize it cause my headphones are on? A sniff, quick wipe and a peek down prove it's none of those things, so I go back to my book. Then one day, Dudette gets on the train by herself and since there is an empty seat next to me she settles in. Now by settle in, I mean this bitch practically cuddles up to me. I slide over to give her some room, and she slides over too. I look at her and she smiles at me! Huh? The next time I see them both, something similar occurs except this time Dude is sitting in between me and Dudette. She's cuddling into him and he's moving over and cuddling into me. And that's when I figured out, THEY'RE FREAKS! Not that freaks are bad, but if I'm getting turned out it's gonna be by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (or some other equally hot couple.) And I don't know what to do, so I try and ignore it. Then my hours changed and I stopped seeing them. That is until last week, when I saw them on my way home. They sat across from me and grinned at me, whispering. And why the fuck did I blush like a virgin?!
Well if I was a little lighter I might have blushed, as it is my face just got really really hot!

The Erection Connection

In one of my first post, I told you guys about a rat fight that I saw (if you haven't read it, it is under the June archives as Rat Fight) and I mentioned a man with an enormous erection. Well I wrote a song about it, like to hear it, here it go...

So as is my usual, I was late for work one morning. Now, there seems to be some glitch in the matrix in which even though I sometimes leave up to 20 minutes behind schedule, I still manage to get to work at the exact same time (10:35 am.) This was one of those mornings. I get to the C train station and it's just about empty and a train is pulling in to the station. The transit gods seemed to be smiling upon me, so I should have known that something crazy would happen.

I enter the first car through the first door and think to myself, "there are mostly women in this car." In fact there are only 3 men in the car and two of them are sitting at the other end of car. Then I think to myself, "why are all the women at this end of the car." Eh, no matter I sit down across from the one man at my end of the car, and my eyes proceed to pop out of my head.

Before I go on with the story, I think I should explain something about myself. I'm a crotch watcher. (If you don't know where this story is going by now, you just might be a nimrod) I can't help it! If a guy sits near me with his legs open, I have to look at his crotch. Doesn't matter if he's old, or ugly (I don't do dirty though.) Especially if the dude is wearing something like sweatpants.

Granted, his magic log (yes log, not stick) was not the first thing that I noticed. What I noticed was that all of the women, who for some reason seemed to be surrounding old dude, were staring at him. So I started looking too. Then I wondered if he was asleep, because he had his forehead resting in his hand. And then a subtle movement of his hand, drew my eyes in a southerly direction, and I watched him adjust himself. And what an adjustment! He wasn't playing with himself, more like he was trying to get comfortable. Because he was hard as a got damned rock and packin. And none of the women on the train could take their eyes off of him, er or rather it.

I've seen some pretty impressive thing-a-lings in my time, but this was, wow, I don't even know how to describe the gargantuan wang that was his member. I mean I once dated a guy who was seriously worried that he might hurt me. (oh, but did it hurt soooo good!) But as the ride went on I began to realize that he was embarrassed as all hell. I had to get off at the next express stop, otherwise I probably would have been staring and drooling all the way to Broadway Nassau. But I have a couple of theories about Master Wang.

(1) I think dude might have had a Viagra (or maybe Cialis since that seems to be marketed to black men) mishap. He was definitely uncomfortable and I think embarrassed. Cause he could have shook that thing at most of the women on the train and had himself a par-tay.

(2) Women are perverts - something I always knew about myself, but it's good to know I'm not the only one

(3) Going by the women on the train, apparently size does matter. Don't believe me, check this out

http://www.glumbert.com/media/sizematter

Train Tales

In my first Rat Tale, I mentioned some other crazy things that have happened to me on the train. Here are a couple of examples...

One day I was heading downtown on the E train with a girl I know, and we see this guy in a suit fidgeting. Pretty young, nice looking, good suit, great shoes...

So anyway, in between stations, the guy all of a sudden rushes in between the cars. Now I think I should point out that I'm like Wakko Warner in that every thing is a potty emergency (a box of "I'm Not A Bad Lay" (which is a story in itself)Candy to whom so ever can tell me where I got that from.) So I assumed the guy REALLY had to pee. Well, he had to use the bathroom, but peeing was not what he did. I don't even think he bothered to pull his pants down, because when the train next pulled into the station he runs from between the cars and off the train. Trailing shit the whole way. (He ruined those great shoes in case you were wondering.)

Another time, I'm heading uptown on the 4 and when we get to Union Square this dreadlocked dude gets on. Now even though I have natural hair, I hate it when other people with the same assume that we are cool, cause we rock similar styles. Furthermore, dude was a strobe light hoe. He might have looked good in a dark club, but light was not this boys friend. So when he gave me the "You know you want me" look, I came back with the "Negro please" look and went back to my book. Not to be thwarted by my evil eye, he saunters over to the bench across from where I'm sitting and poses for maximum effect. I'm not buying it and act like I can't see him. (I am VERY good at acting oblivious while cataloging everything that goes on around me - I'm great at eavesdropping!) So when we get to Grand Central and he gets up, I figure that he's gotten the point that I'm not interested. Instead on his way out of the train, he drops a card in my lap. I'm so busy think "Dumbass" that I don't even look at the card and I really try not to litter so I threw it in my bag. I get to work, sit down at my desk with my large Earl Grey with half and half and reach into my bag for my glasses. With the glasses, the card also comes out. I look at it and I swear, Earl Grey came out of my nose. All over the computer screen, all over the keyboard, all over the million little post-it notes covering my desk. But it doesn't end there, I get up to go get a paper towel, and I'm still choking, so I spray regurgitated tea all over the interior glass wall in my office (its like working in a fishbowl).

Homeboy card says that he's a personal masseuse, who is available for private work in your home, gormet (that's how it was spelled on the card) available upon request. He also does bachelor parties...