The Make Up

So Four let me be mad for like a day. Then he called me and asked if we could get together and discuss what was going on. I have to give him this, the man is smart and he really pays attention to me. I've never been the type of woman to yell and scream at a man that I'm seeing but Four made sure that wasn't even an option. In fact he made sure that I was going to be as happy as possible before we got down to brass tacks. What did he do? He picked me up and took me to Five Guys! Yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach! How could I be really pissed when I knew he was taking me to my favorite burger joint. So even though we started the conversation in the car on the way there, I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

We got through it calmly, with a frank and open conversation about what was really the heart of the matter. I felt as if he really didn't want to go and showed it by trying to cut it so close with getting there, He felt that I just completely shut him down and gave up on him. This is especially poignant because the previous week I had told him how I usually dump guys after three months rather than invest more time with them. He thought that was what I was doing to him since it was about three months since we have been dating. Funny thing is, that have never even crossed my mind. I actually think that I might be falling in love, but since that would be something that I have never done before I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

Four broke up with a long time girlfriend at the end of last year and it really sent him for a loop. I personally think the woman was an idiot with self esteem issues but to be honest I am extremely greatful to the dummy. I mean without her fucking up, I wouldn't be with him now, and if it hadn't ended as badly as it did, then I dont think Four would even have considered dating me. It's not that he wouldn't have been attracted to me cause lets face it, I'm a hottie. But I am not anything like the typical woman that he dates. Despite gaining about 20 pounds (in all the right places!) since January, I'm still alot slimmer than the women that he has dated in the past. As he put it, he usually goes for the big body model and that is definitely not me. Also I have never had a problem admitting when I'm wrong - Four calls it my auto correct feature. Then there is the fact that we joke around alot more than either one of us have ever done with a partner. It is not unusual for me to call him a jerk at least once during a conversation and vice versa. We constantly make fun of each other and ourselves and laughter is a big part of our relationship.

All this has kinda helped me to realized what I've been missing in my relationships in the past. Four travels alot for work and his latest assignment is a 6 month stint in Philly. He started last week and brought me with him. I have to admit that it gave me a taste of what a housewife would feel like, sending him off to work in the morning, greeting him in some naughty lingerie when he got back. But it also kind of spoiled me, I miss falling asleeep and waking up next to him. I think I've got it bad...

Brownie

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend.  I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run.  I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday.  (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.)  Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside.  (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.)  Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep.  (Well, it was!)  Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down.  But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.  

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time.  It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time.  I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done.  And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying.  I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me.  You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me.  Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell!  Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie.  Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T.  (which sounds like something I would say.)  And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him.  "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me!  I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Buggy

Despite my tom-boyish tendencies as a child, there was always one thing that could make me turn into a shrieking girly mess, bugs.  I hate them, all of them.  Butterflies are pretty to look at, but let one of those mutherfuckers land on me, and I will hit a high note like Mariah.  I don't care if its harmless, or pretty, I don't want it to touch me. 

So naturally bugs flock to me in hives.  I don't have ants in my apartment, or even roaches.  I get fucking centipedes, one of the most horrid bugs in my opinion.  Not only are they multi-legged but they are also kinda slimy and thus EXTREMELY GROSS!  One night I left a glass of limeade by my bed in a big red plastic cup (what I think of as a party cup.)   I wake up in the middle of the night, grab the cup and got a little something extra with my sip.  No, it wasn't tequila, IT WAS A FUCKING CENTIPEDE IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!  But I didn't realize it at first, thought it might have been a bit of pulp.  Good thing I can't stand pulp.  Bad thing I spit it out in my hand and turned on the light to see what it was.  (I can admit now that if anyone else had been in the apartment with me when this happened, they probably would have laughed their ass off at my antics, but seriously it was a bug in my mouth!)  Lots of listerine, lots of tooth brushing, lots of willies....

Then the other night, I get out of bed to go potty and I step on something kind of squishy.  I'm really hoping that Duke spit a piece of food out on the floor.  Of course not.  I killed the summabitch, but I still stepped on the damn thing with my bare foot.  Needless to say my right foot was scrubbed til it was pink like a white babies bottom, and just as soft.

Back to Black

or Brownie as the case may be.  

It was around this time last year that he first got back in touch with me.  It had been about a year and a half since we had spoken that time.  And I was single, and had fired enough brain cells to forget why I had stopped seeing him in the first place, so we hooked back up.  I said to myself (and a couple of you said it too I believe) that there would be no harm in spending some time with him.  And there really wasn't.  But there really wasn't any gain either...

Honestly, I'm probably the last chick that you have to worry about pressuring a dude for a commitment.  So it wasn't that I was expecting a ring or anything even close to that.  Shit, I wasn't even looking for a toothbrush in his bathroom.  All the fuck I wanted is to feel like I wasn't wasting my time.

What do I mean by wasting my time?  Hmm, let's see.  If you invite me out to eat and spend the night at your house, and I'm wearing the hell out of a gorgeous white sundress and some sexy ass platform sandals and you're wearing basketball shorts, socks and sandals, I think you're wasting my time.  If you call and tell me about this comedy show that your going to this weekend and was wondering if you could stop by on your way home from the show, I think you're wasting my time.  (Really dude, why even tell me about the show?  If it's just about ass, why not just wait til you're on your way to the show and then call and see what I'm doing later?)  If I have to take a two fucking trains (LIRR no less) and spend an hour and 20 minutes just to get out to your house and you tell me that your not going to be able to drive me home (last time he saw my ass by the way) then I think you're wasting my time.

So, why was I chilling with Hautechick and the Artist when my phones starts trilling, "we always said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times, you go back to her and I go back to..."

Appropriate, no?  Wellll, would be if I'd actually said goodbye.  I really just stopped returning his phone calls or answering them if I was by the phone.  I just can't understand why he would call me again.  Ok, so I do have a little inkling as to what might have made him take the chance, but the sex wasn't that good.  At least not on my end.  You know, I really really really really miss having my mind blown.  I keep saying that I'll abstain for awhile, absence and fondness and all that jazz.  But all that ends up happening is that I have all of this unused sexual heat and longing that build and build and build until I can't take it any more and I do someone (usually stoopid) and I end up unleashing all of that on them, which to be honest they usually can't handle, but then their smitten or lusty or whatever the fuck you want to call it and then I can't get rid of their asses.  Or its halfway decent but my aggressiveness scares them off.  Punk asses.

But, that's besides the point.  The point is Brownie called me again, after about a year.  And while I'm not horny, ok so I'm not that horny.  Actually forget I said that part at all.  Anyway, I have a lot of free time on my hands, and he has a pool.  And the weathers nice.  And fuck a dress - sweats and a bikini ya feel me.  But I'll be damned if I drag my ass both ways on the LI fucking RR again....

All we do is play in the sheets...

If you haven't figured it out by now, I really like sex.  I'm not obsessed by any stretch of the imagination - I've gone over a year without having sex on more than one occasion.  But I do really really really like sex.  With the right person, its a phenomenal experience.  Sheeeet, with the wrong person it can be a phenomenal experience!

I can't say that I have a favorite position or style, they all appeal to me.  The control given when he lets me ride on top.  Knowing that his eyes are on me, his hands on my hips.  Or when he rises to meet me, lip to lip breathe mingling.  The power of a forceful thrust.  The skill of a slow silken glide.  Pulling my locks or tenderly stroking skin.  And oh how I crave my next little death.  To shatter and know that his arms are the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart.  The surrender and the conquest.  It all appeals to me.

But I am sooo much more that what it between my legs.  And no man should ever think that a little slap and tickle is going to be enough to keep me slapping and tickling.  I cannot even begin to fathom why a man would think that a woman would be ok with him saying, "Hey baby, I'm going to this party on Saturday (wait for it) and I was wondering if I could stop by your place on my way home?"  Um, let me think about it. Uh, FUCK NO!  No, it wasn't PYT that said that to me, that's how Brownie got moldy.

While I am spoiled to a certain extent, I don't expect a man to bankrupt himself in order to please me.  For example, there was the dude that was unemployed that insisted on taking me out to very expensive dinners on his Amex card.  It put a bad taste in my mouth.  I took him out to a nice dinner, my treat, and ended it.  On the opposite end was the dude that insisted on only taking me to diners.  I actually love diners, but not the straight up disgusting places that he tried to get me to eat.  

Or how about the dudes that are afraid of a little blood?  I'm not asking you to eat me out on a bloody Monday or anything even closely related, but is it necessary to disappear like I've got the plague?  It's a little blood, bitch, it's not gonna kill me and it sure as fuck isn't going to kill you.  And that, "Well your mouth still works" bullshit just ain't cool.  I'm already fucking emotional and you want to be an ass?!  Real quick way to ensure that you never get a favor while I'm on the rag.

That brings me to PYT.  I can't figure the man out for shit.  He stands me up.  He'll always call and apologize the next day.  But it is what is.  Twice, then I stopped calling, stopped texting actually.  I just let it go.  But he didn't.  He called, then he texted and he comes over and plays Monopoly with me (and gets his ass kicked) knowing he's not gonna get any.  No pressure to impress him with my brain.  Just chilled and got his ass kicked.  He even actually enjoyed my smart ass mouth.  Then you know what he does...

Da Biznass

Since Afro likes my random post I've been talking about sex a lot recently, I decided to combine the two...

• You know Lady Shay, I've turned down a tongue lashing on more than one occasion.  For one thing, I had a very strange relationship some years ago where the sexual aspect of it mainly consisted of him going down on me while he jacked off into a pair of my panties.  I shit you not.  Not that his head games wasn't incredibly tight, but it kind of left a sour taste in my mouth for lick with no stick.  Then there was the dude that, shit I don't know what the fuck he was doing but it wasn't nothing nice.  And don't forget about the dudes that say "Oh I just want to taste it, nothing else" when they know full well that ain't all they want. 
• Speaking of that rather strange relationship of my youth (there is so much shit there I could do multiple posts on Chef and me) he first explained his sexual restrictions on my age (I was 16 he was 19) then on the fact that he was sort of in a relationship with a chick who was away at college in Florida, but the real reason was that his dick was about 3 inches long...
• Thats not to say that some men don't know how to work 3 inches.  Ok, so I've never had a fabulous lover with a 3 inch winky, but I'm sure that there are some out there.  Somewhere.  I've also known some men with 10 inches of thunder who don't know how to bring the rain.  The thought of bad sex with a big dude makes me cringe a little more than the thought of bad sex with a little dude.
• Did you know that some bodegas in the hood sell counterfeit Magnums?  I'm sure that some people don't even notice that they aren't as large as the real ones.  And the latex is different.  What the fuck is the world coming to when big dicked men in the hood (and the women that luv them) have to worry that Jose at the corner store is trying to dick them on the condoms.
• It's really not fair, if someone is tickleish and the other person isn't, the one who isn't should not be allowed to tickle the one who is.  Specially if there is a danger of said person peeing themselves.
• I couldn't laugh, at least not in his face, but PYT busted his lovely tight ass in the snow last night.  All I could do was say, "Oooo damn!  That looked like it hurt sweetie!  Are you alright?" then duck the snowball that headed my way.
• Fucking snow!  I love to look at it, maybe ski on it, but gotdamn if I dont hate to have to shovel that shit!
• In the recent past, I had a man tell me that I made him feel self conscious about being naked.  Needless to say that was the wrong dude for me.  First off,  I'm either in as little clothes as possible, or as many clothes as possible, depending on the weather.  If I'm in some coochie cutters and wife beater, I sure as hell don't want my dude to be in a turtleneck sweater and corduroys.  Secondly, I love to be naked.  It's fucking natural.  I'm not a flasher nor do I dress obscenely in public, but in the privacy of my own home, hell the fuck yeah I'm gonna walk around bare ass.   And lastly, I'm not the chick you want if you need a woman who is going to boost your ego.  I give compliments where they are due, not when they're asked for. 
• Speaking of compliments, twice in my life have I reached into a man's pants and said, "Wow that is really quite large" (or something like that) and the dude was kinda surprised at the compliment.  I think I mentioned that I don't give compliments unless they are due

Troub the Perv

• In answer to your query PrettyBlack - you know I did!  Don't know about the taming part, I kinda like them spirited.  Its when they turn into whiny bitches that I kick them to the curb.  Nothing worse than a dude that acts like a chick.
• Speaking of which, I saw Big Mr. Sad yesterday.  I had lent him a book and he finally returned it.  I was gonna chalk the cost of the book up to the price I pay for dealing with a man with bitchlike tendencies, but he made a big deal out of returning it.  I'm talking asking other people to give him Cousin T's phone number so that he could talk to her.  (It didn't happened, but if it had Cousin T probably would have laughed at his punk ass.)
• In case you didn't know, I have a serious thing for firemen.  I think Mr. March and Mr. August are my favorites from the 2008 FDNY calendar, even though I'm pretty sure that Mr. March is married (Go Head with Your Bad Ass Mrs. March!)  Don't ask me why, but they have fascinated me since I was a wee one.  Sooo, there is a fire house about 4 blocks away - Hello Tin House!  and about 2 weeks ago I saw the truck go by and noticed a new brown face in the bunch.  And yesterday I was driving past with Mommy and who should be standing outside but the new guy, and good lord is he fun to look at.  Me and Duke may have to take a walk down there soon.
• I have Nicaraguan neighbors.  I really can't figure out the family except to say that there are the parents, then they have 3 grown daughters, and then there are 4 grandkids.  I'm not sure which kids belong to who and that includes the grown daughters cause one of them calls the father by his first name and one of the grandkids calls him Daddy.  In any case one of the grandkids is a baseball player.  About 16 or 17 and I just noticed that he is fucking gorgeous.  Not that I would hit on a kid, especially one that I've know since he was about 9, but damn!  I mean really damn.  No wonder there has been a influx of teenage girls hanging around the block lately.  I feel kinda protective, I want to give him some condoms and the watch out for scheming trickettes talk.  I really not sure when he went from being a cute kid to a gorgeous young man but the teenaged girls better watch out for that smile.
• Speaking of gorgeous young men that I know, OtherMother's grandson is grounded.  Seems he came over to OtherMother's house afterschool with two friends, a boy and a girl.  OtherMother decides to fix some snacks for the kids and is heading down to the basement when the boy friend tries to intercept her.  Talkinbout he'll bring the snacks downstairs and its no problem, just stay upstairs.  Yeah right.  OtherMother goes downstairs and finds her grandson hopping into the bathroom trying to pull up his pants and the girl (I started to call her a young lady, but that is so not the case as you'll see in a minute) wiping her mouth.  OtherMother goes off on the boys and then tries to have a talk with the girl.  Tries to tell her that she shouldn't be giving out sexual favors like gum samples and that she needs to be careful about sexually transmitted diseases (OtherMother got them to admit that she was going to blow the other boy too) and this little shit is stoopid enough to tell OtherMother that she doesn't have to be careful cause she's already pregnant.  (Not grandsons)  This poor child is 14 to hear OtherMother tell it and living with her grandmother. 
• I have a crush on Bill Goldberg the jewish wrestler....

Jump on it in the morning and ride it til the night...

...wanna give you real jewelry so when it hits the light, bitches will momentarily lose their sight.  She said, "I know what boys like, I know what they want, they want to sex me, they think I'm sexy.  I know what boys like, boys like me."

Just a little trip back in hip hop time when I actually liked Jay-Z.  This is going to be another one of those random post that I do from time to time.  Bear with me...

 I recently realized that I've never slept with more than one man at a time.  Wait, I'm not sure how you took that, but what I mean is that if I'm sleeping with one man, I don't sleep with anyone else.  I guess you would say that I'm sexually exclusive.  I just couldn't see myself going back and forth between men.  Twins on the same night at the same time, now thats another dirtier story.  I don't expect my lovahs to be sexually exclusive, but I do expect them to be discreet and most importantly clean.  Dont you ever fucking come to my house smelling like some other woman or just as bad, you own funky ass.

I thought I lost my The Incredibles DVD.  I love that movie!  Shit, who am I kidding I love Pixar almost as much as I love Jim Henson and thats saying alot if you know how I feel about the Muppets.  Speaking of the Muppets, I just got The Muppets Take Manhattan on dvd!  How cool is that!  (ok maybe not that cool to you, but cool as shit to me! fuck you very much if you think I'm a dork.  But I'm pretty sure dorks don't have head game like I do...)

Speaking of head game (is it wrong to segue from Muppets to Blowjobs?) can I just say as a woman, that I actually do quite enjoy the power of giving a blowjob.  The feel of having something so vulnerable yet so hard in the palm of my hand.  Doing just the right thing to make him hiss and that extra swirl of the tongue that will having him calling out.  If you're a woman and you're thinking that its an act of submission, than sweetie, you really haven't been doing it right.  And to the maybe 3 straight guys that may be reading this, if you learned to really enjoy eating the puss, (that is if you already don't) you'd probably get a hell of a different reaction than if you just eat it cause you think its what she wants you to do it.  If you don't enjoy it, chances are you're partner won't enjoy it either.

Sorry I haven't been around the blog world lately, I've been off playing with a boy.  Well at least part of the time.  I've also been cleaning this sty I call an apartment, fine tuning my resume (I should start sending it out by Wednesday) and trying to groom Duke.  It took me about 4 hours just to give him a really good brushing.  Then I spent another hour using the undercoat rake.  Then I needed a break so the next day I got started with the clippers, and we were doing pretty good until I tried to cut him back left leg.  He didn't want me on that side.  So I was pretty tired and said I would try the next day.  But then it snowed.  And since we live on the corner and own the lot next door I had to shovel all of that shit and I think I pulled something.  So the haircut is incomplete.  He looks alot better, but my back is fucking killing me from the snow shoveling.  Then it had the fucking nerve to rain the next day and most of that fuck ass snow disappeared and today it was in the 60s!?!  Fucking weetodd weather, I blame it on the industrial revolution.  Fucked up weather, cancer and pollution.  What a great fucking time in history that was...

Introducing PYT

You're probably thinking Pretty Young Thang, and he is that, but he is also quite light skinded or as my sister has put it, he's high yellow.  If you don't know what that means, good.  If you do and think thats wrong of me to say, fuck you.  I'm joking.   About the yellow thing, not about the fuck you thing.  

you know in real life, I absolutely can not stand when people say things like likedided, or lookdided, or skinded...

Anywho, I met PYT (he's the 22 year old if you've been following along) back in November.  I tagged along, as I'm wont to do, with Cousin T to a party.  Now, I must say that Cousin T knows my varied taste in men quite well.  She's just about the only woman that I would trust to pick out a man for me, cause she knows what interest me in terms of appearance.  We often point out dudes that we think the other will like, and we are hardly ever wrong.  So when we walked into the party and she saw where I was looking she chuckles and says, "I thought you'd like him, he works at my school."  First thing out of my mouth, "Is he legal?" 

There was some flirting and an almost double date that never happened.  Then a couple of months passed.  I ran into him again at a house party.  That was the same house party that I met Big Mr. Bad at.  Needless to say, nothing continued to happen with PYT.  Then came the party the week before last.  And there he was again.  About 6'1", thin, and the most amazing amount of heat coming off of his crotch.  (You see I have this theory about the amount of heat relating to the size of the male appendage.  Let just say that it seems to be true...)  What can I say, I'm a bit of a perv and proud of it.

We finally got around to exchanging numbers and he finally thinks to ask me how old I am.  Proudly 30 and not showing it, thank you very much!  "Really?! Well maybe you can teach me a few things and I can return the favor."  Boy do I hope so!  So far he's proven himself to be well mannered, adventurous, adorable and proof positive that my aforementioned theory may very well be true...

The Brush Off

I like my space when it comes to men.  If you're looking for a woman who will call you 4 and 5 times a day, I'm not the one for you.  Sheeet, if you're looking for a woman who will call you everyday, I still might be the one for you.  I've yet to meet the man that inspires that kind of behavior.  Just the same, if you call ME 5 times a day, you're going to quickly get on my nerves.  Specially if you really don't have anything to say...

So things with Big Mr. Bad have been going downhill for a minute.  It started with him giving me an itemized description of his bills the same evening that he found out that I got my paycheck.  (Like I give a fuck what some dude I met 3 weeks ago has to pay for his cell phone!?!)  It continued when he called to ask me out last Tuesday.  Sounds like that would be a good thing, but it wasn't.  You see, when we first started "talking", I told Big Mr. Bad that my pet peeve with men is that they start thinking that the sex is enough to keep me and stop taking me out.  "Oh no, that will never happen with me!  I love to go out."  Uh, huh.  Cause we've actually only been on one date so far.

So he calls me at around 6:30 pm.  The cell phone is downstairs and I'm upstairs, so I don't hear it.  I go downstairs at around 7:30 and my phone is ringing, its Hautechick.  I get off the phone with her and see that Big Mr. Bad has called me 5 times.  I'm about to check the message when he calls again.  (sidenote - I had food poisoning last weekend (DAMN YOU RED LOBSTER!) and Big Mr Bad knew I still wasn't feeling well)  "Hey, where have you been?!" (is that a slight attitude I detect?) "My uncle got some last minute tickets to a comedy show tonight.  Can you be ready in 20 minutes?"  Uh, "No."

What part of I've been throwing up all weekend and haven't eaten solid food do you not understand?  No.  And 20 minutes?!?  Some notice that is.  Granted he had tried to reach me earlier, but the voicemail revealed that he didn't mention anything about tickets or a comedy show, just asked me to call him back.

Then comes The Call.  You know, the lets beat around the bush and not really say anything but I think you might not like that much anymore and I wanna ask you what I'm doing wrong but I'm a chickenshit call.  The hemming and hawing is not at all masculine.  When I say, "Is there something on your mind?" thats your cue to tell me what the fuck is on your mind!  So when he didn't say anything other than, "I've got alot on my mind I guess and I can't sleep."  I said something along the lines of "Well listening to you breathe is putting me to sleep, so I'll talk to you tomorrow."  I didn't expect him to call me at 7 fucking 45 in the morning. (for those that missed it, I sorta kinda don't have to work for awhile and I basically sleep til noon) Naturally I ignored that shit.

He called back at about 1, I just missed it and returned the call.  "Hey, I just got busy, I'll call you back in about 5 minutes."  Oh-kay!  Except, he didn't call me back for about 4 hours and by that time I was basically through.  He's done that a couple of times.  Tell me he'll call me back in 5 minutes when he really means 5 hours.  Just say later idiot and it wouldn't piss me off.  But it does.  Piss me off that is.  He leaves a message, "Hey, give me a call when you get this."  I went about my business that night and went to sleep.  The next morning, its deja vu all over again.  7 fucking 45 in the morning and this fool is calling me.  No message.  Now he's really starting to get on my nerves.  Long story a little shorter, I spent Thursday afternoon getting massages with Ripeshit aka Hautechick (see Lil Sister Blues below) and was pretty much out of the house and running around with either her or my Mom from Thursday at 1:30 til midnight Saturday morning.  In that span of time, Big Mr. Bad called me a total of 24 times.  (only 3 voicemails)  

That really put me off, so I answered the phone when he called on Saturday evening.  (I didn't count the 9 times he called me on Saturday in the previous total.)  "Do you realize how many times you've called me in the last 2 days?"  "Alot"  "yeah, what the hell is up with that?"  "I was worried about you."  "You never left a message to that affect."  "Well, no..." "It was my sisters birthday, not that I owe you an explanation, especially when I told you we had some stuff planned earlier in the week." "Oh! I forgot, I'm sorry"  "Yeah we'll its not cool with me, that shits not cool at all.  I think you need to take a step back." "Uh..." "I'll Call You, if I change how I feel.  Ok?"  "Uh"  "Ok!?!" "Ok..." Click.

Oooooo weee!

I can vividly remember the first time that a man told me that I "put it on him."  Yes, I can honestly say that there has been more than one man, and more than one time.  I'm not bragging, which will become painfully clear in a minute.  You see the reason that I vividly remember that first time is not the obvious one; cause my leg started shaking and I think my heart stopped.  No, the reason that I remember is the opposite, I didn't come.  And I remember thinking, "you have got to be fucking kidding me?!?" when dude kissed me on the forehead and wanted to cuddle in post coital bliss.  I also remember thinking in the restless hours that followed, that I really wasn't trying to put it on him, I was trying to get mine!  I guess thats what I get for being selfish.  And to make matter worse, none of my usual midnight moves (i.e. - accidentally brushing my ass across his groin, a warm puff of breathe on his neck, a stray hand across a masculine nipple) would rouse him.  And that stupid smile on his face was really starting to piss me off...

The Bald Pussy

I'm not speaking in code, or calling anybody a name, I'm really gonna do a post about bald pussies and why I'm not a fan.  Not that I'm a fan of pussy or anything, strictly dickly thank you!  

But it seems to be the "in" thing for women to do.  I think it was Eva Longoria who said something about how a brazilian wax makes her feel sexy.  Uh, what the fuck is so sexy about having a pussy that looks like it belongs on a 5 year old girl?!  Before puberty hit, I couldn't wait til I had some hair down there cause I figured that meant that I was grown.  Now you want me to rip my badge of womanhood out by the roots!?!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Don't get me wrong, I don't condone a wild bush.  When I was at the Levian Cult Camp, I had this counselor whose bush used to stick out the sides of her bathing suit.  All puffy and shit, and I used to think, why doesn't she cut that shit down.  I'm all for trimming and maintaining.  But why the fuck do I have to be bald?

Last March I was on my way to Cancun for a week so I went for a wax.  I usually shave because you can do it whenever but in the winter my skin gets really sensitive so I figured that the wax would last me longer with less irritation.  I didn't ask for a brazilian, yet chick was gonna take everything off.  "What are you doing?!?  Not bald, shit, I'm a grown woman and would like all my parts to look like it thank you!"  "You dont want clean?"  "yes clean, no bald - leave me a strip at least!"

Why do people assume that hairless is cleaner? Its actually not. The hair is there to prevent things from getting into the cooch.  Its a defense, and I'm all about the defense!  So you take off all the hair and all those little things that might have gotten stuck in your pubes are now in your cooch!  Gross yet true.  (Ladies please properly clean your cooches, thank you!)

Bald pussy also makes me think of changing diapers.  Which makes me think of shit, which is definitely not sexy.  

I've heard guys say shit like, "I'm not going down on a woman unless she's bald down there."  Meanwhile they have no problem trying to stick their hairy balls down a woman throat.  Reciprocity momo!  I'm not asking you to shave your base and balls for me.  Shit, a little pubic hair in the mouth never killed anyone as far as I know.

So in conclusion I say, ladies, keep your hair, but keep it neat.  And to the fellas I say, do you really wanna look at a pussy that could belong to a 5 year old girl?! (if you do you need to seek some serious help)

I drank the effing milk!!!

so I wander into Mommy's apartment this morning and she's making pancakes.  Mmmmm, Mommy makes the best pancakes!  So I'm hungry.  But then she says to me, "Why didn't you tell me the milk was bad"  And I'm all "the milk was bad?!?"  and she's all "yeah it was thick as shit, you didn't notice?"

So now I feel sick cause I put it in my tea! (I don't drink coffee, I'm hyper enough as it is! and it gives me a tummy ache)  I frothed it so I didn't notice that it was bad.  Which is really strange cause I'm usually the one that is like, "this smells funny" two days before everyone else.  And even though it was over 24 hours ago, I swear I'm about to be sick!  So I haven't eaten yet today.

I think I'll go eat a Sweetie

Uh yeah, about that

it seems rather quick, but I'm having second thoughts about Big Mr. Bad.

So yesterday, out of nowhere, he starts talking about how many bills he has to pay, then proceeds to give me an itemized breakdown.  My suspicious mind jumped right to the conclusion that this lil summabitch is hinting for me to help him out with his bills.  Well, I'm hard of hinting and I don't give money to men (cause I don't ask for money from men!) 

And then I was online checking out the new condos at One Hanson Place (remember the picture that I posted of the clocktower in Brooklyn? well that is One Hanson Place) and I start talking about housing prices.  "You're buying another house?  I really want to buy a house."  Yeah well you might want to take care of that college loan that you were just telling me about.  No! I'm not buying another house, but I love real estate so I am always going to check housing prices and see whats on the market.  He couldn't seem to understand why I was checking prices if I wasn't going to buy and that kinda bothered me.  (What?, I'm a picky fussy bitch! but I never pretend to be anything else)

And then he was telling me about how he missed my call yesterday morning cause he was in church.  But then I asked him what church he went to (just curious) and he starts hemmin and hawing.  No need to hurt yourself boo-boo, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.  It really isn't that serious, but I hope for the salvation of your soul you weren't lying about church!  (I may not be into organized religion but you don't lie about church!  thats just wrong!!)

So, I'm still taking his phone calls, but I will be watching my wallet.  I refuse to settle, but I'm not above him taking me out from time to time...

Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!

Soooo Shay Shay La Femme (of The Skirkle - private blog, sorry!) has tagged Leggs Diamond.  If you're not familiar with blogger tag, you get tagged, you share 7 things about yourself on your blog and you tag some other people that you would like to know more about.  Since LadyShay picked Leggs and not Trouble, I'm gonna let Leggs take over....

hello darlings!  So Shay would like to know 7 delectable things about Leggs Diamond.  Oh where to begin

1. I love to dress up.  I'm not talking about a nice dress and some heels, well I do like to dress up that way too.  But I'm talking about in the bedroom.  Wigs, costumes, dance wear (i.e. stripper gear), impossibly high heels, shit I even have a pair of butterfly wings!  I recently rocked some leather look leggings, a cashmere halter and some 6 inch stiletto slides (I really need to get a new pair of the furry kind.)  And then there was the gym class hero outfit; some cheeky little gym shorts (I brought a size too small, navy blue with orange), with footless fishnets (orange), a tight and tiny wife beater (orange), and some Michael Kors stiletto slides that I can't walk in (orange suede.)
2. I think women are beautiful.  I have no problem if a man wants to watch a porno, but the chick in it better be cute as hell, otherwise you run the risk of me snarking on her the whole "film."  And on the same subject, just because its your fantasy to be with two women, does not mean its mine.  I have no problem looking at another women, but I'll be damned if I stick my face in her cooch!  Penis fascinates me in large part because I don't have one.  Can't say the same about pussy...
3. I do however have a fantasy that involves me and two very gorgeous men.  We're (THIS PORTION HAS BEEN REMOVED BY TROUBLE TO PROTECT SOME SMALL SHRED OF DECENCY ON THIS DAMNED THING! )
4. A dude I was seeing once asked me to put on a strap on and make him my bitch.  He didn't say "make me your bitch" but thats what I heard, so I passed.  It's not that I have anything against anal sex, (and yes Afro, Leggs knows that a prostate is the same on a man and a woman) but I really didn't know dude like that.  Maybe if he had waited a month or two...
5. Speaking of anal, I don't do booty duty.  Do enjoy a stiff finger every now and again, but I feel like I should have something that I saved for my husband.  That is if he wants it.  Strange I know...
6. I don't swallow either!  I think I've made this clear so this will be a freebee.  Ok, well there was that one time, but I was drunk, which was a bad thing for him when I gagged that shit back up in his lap!  I kid you not.  I spit that shit, and what I think was a little vodka, right back at his ass.  Don't try coming in my face either, unless you want me to take a bite out of your shit!
7. I love a talker, but just don't say anything ridiculous, cause I will crack the fuck up.  There was the little dude that asked me to call him Big Dick Daddy - "What!?! Are you fucking kidding me?  You did not just say that shit!  You were joking right?"  Or the guy that said, "Tell me its the best you ever had!"  only to be greeted by silence.  Or my all time personal favorite, "Whose pussy is this?!"  Well it's mine tardo, "Legg's fucker, and don't make me have to tell you again!"
8. I can honestly think of only one man that I regret sleeping with.  He had been my best friend Freshman and Sophomore years.  Even punched a dude in the face for trying to play me.  Would always take me to the supermarket when he knew I wasn't eating the food at school.  Tried to teach me how to drive in his car with crappy ass brakes!  Talked him out of driving drunk one night when he could barely stand up but insisted he had to have some fried chicken from the gas station down the road (and every one else was going to let him go) 6'5" about 220 lbs and in the best damned shape of any man I've ever been with (my gawd the physique on that man!) and I loved him (not in love, but I loved him) and we slept together.  I think we giggled through the whole thing!  And then I left school to take a job in NY, but I would still travel to go and see him.  But things had changed, and suddenly he didn't get my sense of humor.  And I knew him too well, so I knew when he started seeing someone on campus.  And then he told me that he got my old roomates best friend pregnant.  And I wanted my heart to be broken, but it was so easy to tell him to "kiss my ass, you dipshit!" 

Oh, Leggs wasn't as bad as I thought she was going to be!  I do however think she has something else planned so stay tuned.  And since all of the TypHo's have been tagged.  I'm gonna go with Seattle Slim at The Beatniks, Lyrically Speaking of Lyrically I Am Yours and Girly Longings, and Mr. Swag. Game on...

The Soapbox and the Slippery Slope!

All credit for the incredibly cool name of this post goes to my bro in law, The Artist, cause that was the name of his gallery exhibit that I went to see tonight.  I'm drunkish by the by, so blame any mistakes on Grey Goose and his slippery slope. 

Would you believe that I was doing my hair?  Yeah that sounds good, I've been doing my hair since Christmas eve.  Or how about I was playing with boys?  That sounds even better!  How about I won the lottery and was making arrangements to fly you all to Barbados?  Nah, don't believe that one cause I would hate to disappoint you all.  I'm a flake and thats all the explanation that you need.  Mind you, you all love me for my fickle ways so get over it and enjoy the story.  (I kid I kid!)

So I met a new guy and Hautey started calling me a Baby Cougar cause Young Buck was about 24.  Unfortunately Young Buck was a lil nutzo and went the way of the dinosaur, he disappeared and I can't really offer you an explanation.  Last Friday rolled around, and I was in the house, but I left my cell phone in my apartment (which is on the first floor) while I was watching tv in Mommy's room (which is on the third floor)   I came downstairs to get something (look away Daners cause you luv me! that should be legalized damn it! and yes Mommy knows I do it) and noticed that Young Buck had called twice no message.  So I call him back leave a message and make sure that I bring the phone upstairs with me.  Except, I stopped in Mommy's kitchen to get some Limeade and left the phone on the second floor.  By the time I noticed that the phone wasn't with me, Young Buck had left me a message that went a little something like this!  Hit it...

"Troub I'm sorry, I don't know where I went wrong but I haven't heard from you so I'm gonna assume that you don't want to deal with me anymore.  Which sucks cause I was really feeling you, you have such a great spirit and I was looking forward to spending time with you.  But I guess its not meant to be.  If I did something to offend you, please know that I didn't mean to offend you and I'm sorry.  Damn!  I was really hoping that this would work out.  But my phone is fucked up and I can't even see if you called or check my messages.  I'm sorry but I'm gonna try and call you from time to time to see if I still have a chance.  Take care, damn!"

Ooooooohkay, Young Bucks new name is Idjeet!  Cause we hadn't spoken for 3 days and the fucker gave up!  What kind of half assed cockamammy shit is that!?!  And I thought every one knew how to check their messages when they dont have their cell phone with them?  (Seriously if I have to explain how to check you messages when you dont have you cell phone you are too dumb to be cool with me.  I'm dead ass serious about this!)

So, the next night, I was supposed to go see the Rza with Hautey and the Artist, but Cousin T called me that afternoon to see if I wanted to go to a house party.  I hadn't see Cousin T since my birthday (and yall know I loooooooove me some Cousin T) and I when I brought the ticket to the show (it was only $10) I got the members of Wu Tang confused and later realized that the Rza hasn't had any new music out in a minute, and I felt like getting drunk as shit without paying more than $20, so I went to the alcohol heavy house party with Cousin T. 

What a great decision that was!  I wore some grey J Brand skinny jeans, my patent leather Coach boots and a t- shirt that said "Little Miss Bad".  I see this adorable guy that I think I saw at a BBQ that Cousin T invited me to earlier this year, and his dimples are calling my name.  Then in comes this illegal looking (could pass for 19) hottie that I've been digging for a minute that I met at yet another function that Cousin T invited me to (I checked, he's actually like 23.)  Illegal is acting, well he's actin like a 19 year old, flirting from afar, shooting me looks like I'm supposed to be chasing him or some shit.  And Dimples is like fuck that, can I be Big Mister Bad?

Needless to say, Dimples aka Big Mister Bad and I had our first date tonight.  It was kinda high pressure too cause I invited him to come with me to the Artist opening and all a good majority of the people that are important to me were there.  Including Mommy, Hautechick, the Artist, OtherMother, Mommy'sBuddy (that used to watch me and Hautechick afterschool when I was in the 2nd grade), PFunk (the Artist Cousin) and his girl Lovey (she is the sweetest thing you ever met!  Everyone who meets Lovey can't help but like her) plus a bunch of Hautey friends.

Ok, I want to just take a minute out to say the show rocked, my Bro-ham is a talented dude and his shit is hot!  And I also want to say hi to Hautey's girl I, who I've heard so much about and finally got to meet!  Hi I!  Thanks for reading my blog!  She's one of the few people that reads my blog that actually knows who I am!  Very cool!  

So OtherMother gives Big Mr. Bad a hug before she gives me one!  Then she whispers in my ear, "Oh I like him, he gives good hugs!"  Later she tells him that she wants to be a bridesmaid.  I was to busy choking to hear what Big Mr. Bad said next, but was later told that he said, "I'm glad, cause that means I've already got someone on my side."  I should point out that Hautechick was carrying her ginormous leather bag, and inside was some cans of Sophia Coppola's champagne and a bottle of rum.  I should also point out that when Mommy, OtherMother and Mommy'sBuddy get together, I call them the bottle killers.  

And in what might be deemed a first, Hautechick actually approved of my date!  "He's fucking adorable, I want to tickle him or something!"  She later called him an adorable cub, you know to my cougar, he's only 25.  She said the tickle him thing cause he is a big guy, and I think cause of the dimples.  He smiles alot, which I dig.  So after we left, we headed back to Brooklyn and picked up his Uncle (not too much older than him) and his girl and went to play pool.  I actually beat Big Mr. Bad one game and we were killing them when we played as a team.  Mostly cause he's pretty good (I think he threw the game so I could win, although I'm not terrible) and cause like I said, I'm not terrible.

We have another date tomorrow, we're supposed to go see a high school production of Othello (long story that I may tell if we actually go.)  I like this guy for the fact that he gives me butterflies when he kisses me, and he was nice to my Mommy and her drunk friends, and he let me beat him at pool, and the dimples are simply lovely (another thing that OtherMother told him!) 

More Pretty Pictures!

Just like Danae likes Jason Bourne but not Matt Damon, I'm gonna say that I like Legolas but not Orlando Bloom (dudes looking a lot worse for wear lately, maybe he needs to stop Turning those Wheels - sorry that was a lame joke)
I even like him with a little grey in his hair.
Will Demps..
Steph Jones, I dont know who he is really, but damn that mouth (oh, he's a singer)
Idris...
Now that's a bad mother - shut your mouth!
Bond on the beach in bikini's (ok they aren't bikini's )
He may very well need a flea dip and some Valtrex, but damn if those abs aren't screaming my name, "Come lick me Trouble! Oh how I need you!"
You were so right, sexy never left, you fine little man!
Oh Pharrell! Why do I find your little pea head sooo sessay?
Brooklyn swagger at its finest! Jay might have gotten this title if he had sat his ass down two albums ago...
Some say he might have broken Halle, but I say dat dude Micheal Ealy is yummalicious
Cutie patootie Lewis Hamilton. Vaa vaa vaa voooooom!
Sometimes, he's not that hot. And I think I might make him keep the hat on. Larry Johnson. Is it me or is he the Camel's bitch? (he is wearing his chain. No offense Larry! Happy Birthday by the by)
THE Dancin Dude, or at least one of THE Dancin Dudes. Shoot he must have been doing something right to have all them kids
Couldn't decide between a Jack Sparrow pic or this one, think I stole it from Daners...(or Anners or one of the TypHos) I've had a crush on him since 21 Jump Street, but I'm only borrowing

Loved his first album, didn't buy the second, but did you see that video of him dancing with the woman from the audience?!?

Pretty Pictures

What?!? Dude plays Elmo! and yall know how I feel about puppets
Marlon Brando
Bad ass James Dean, who was said to have idolized Marlon Brando
Gerard in the front and a little Wisdom in the back. Seriously, Gerard's thighs are a thing of beauty
Now thats swagger for your ass! Get it Mr. Pooper!
Can't remember dudes name, but he's African royalty and plays football (I sooo want to say, "The royal penis is clean your highness.")
Y'all remember Dhani right?
Ok, so they aren't that hot, but its De La Fucking Soul!
Daniel something or other, I think he may have gotten a chin implant though
Dreamy fucking Lonnie Rashid Lynn...
How bout a little Trouble filling for that Barber sandwich?

Question

Does anyone know any straight black guys that say cock? Or do all the ones you know say dick too?

Just curious...

The New Guys Getting Married

and I'm gonna be 30. My Mom was married with one kid and me on the way by the time she was 29, and my sister was at least married by then. Me? Shit I'll be happy if I can get my apartment clean before I turn 30...

One of the first things that people who haven't seen me in a while ask is, "So when are you getting married?" How about when I find someone that makes my toes curl and gives me that sinking stomach feeling when they kiss me? (Gawd I haven't had that sinking stomach feeling in soooooo long) How about when I get my shit in order cause I really feel like I have some more growing to do before I'm ready? How about when I find someone who brings something the table other than a penis and a smile? (And whoa! stop yourself before you take that jump. You know the one that leads to the wrong conclusion? Cause I would have no problem if dude makes less than me or is blue collar, but I want a helpmate, not just a mate. If I meet one more man who tries to get me to help him get his life in order while trying to pass off the lazy dick and spitting lame ass promises of future payouts, I will spit in his face! Seriously.) How about when I find a man that understands that this is my job, and I enjoy it and hell no I'm not sleeping with my boss? (do you know how many men have asked me that? Yes, I describe myself as an executive assistant, but thats just the simplest thing to say. But I do important shit! - well sometimes. And no, you probably dont know to many exec asst that work til 8:20 pm, but I do. So accept that shit, pay my salary- bet you can't afford me!, or step the fuck off) How about when all people in love can get married? (actually I stole that one from Angie and Brad but still) How bout when I meet a nice man with big hands and feet and a sweet smile and a warm heart and a silly sense of humor and eclectic taste and an adventurous spirit and is honest with himself and me?