Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

The Accident...

Details below...

Quickly...

cause it is Christmas and Hautechick and The Artist are making like a 7 course meal (I helped make the desserts individual lemon cakes with fresh made lemon whipped cream and fresh raspberries, and/or individual chocolate cakes with fresh made coco whipped cream and raspberries - all the cakes are star shaped!) so I gotta go soon but I wanted to tell you all where the hell I've been.  Holidays are crazy and shit!

- Coco of the brown teeth is no longer Coco of the brown teeth!  My cousin got her shit together and got herself a brand new set of chompers!  Go coco!  They look good.  And just in case you thought I might have lost my snark for the holidays, I would just like to add:  Now get a better weave and we might be in business, that shit was terrible!

- Mommy and I were headed out shopping and we took the Jackie Robinson Expressway.  Since alot of you are not from Brooklyn or Queens and even if you are alot of people avoid that shit let me tell you a little about the Jackie Rob.  It used to be known as the Interborough, running from Brooklyn to Queens.  A lot of people avoid it because its a two lane (in each direction) expressway with very little shoulder, concrete barriers in between the east and west bound lanes and surrounding the expressway.  Its a tight fit that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  Then you throw in the twisty turny part that runs through one of the largest cemeteries in NYC and you get even less people that want to take it.  Mommy's last driving lesson (while she was preggo with me) was on the Interborough so she's a pro at it, and I happen to know that its a hell of a rush on the back of a motorcycle.  I've driven it a few times myself with no problem, but then again I've been a passenger when other people have taken it and feared for my life.

So anyway, we were headed out to Long Island, which usually takes about 30 minutes if traffic is clear.  It wasn't clear.  You usually don't find too many larger SUVs or trucks on the Jackie Rob/Interborough (sorry I grew up calling it the Interborough so I still tend to call it that, what can I say, I'm sooo old school) but occasionally see one or two.  Boy did we see one!  A tractor trailer in fact (dumbass) decided to brave the Jackie Rob.  He was doing fine til that twisty turny part I mentioned.  Mommy and I didn't see it but when we passed the truck it looked like the whole trailer had just crumpled.  I'm guessing he hit the concrete barrier on the side of the road.  And even though I always get pissed when people slow down by an accident, I took a picture or two.  I couldn't help myself!  

If you're wondering how the cops got past all the traffic to get to the accident, the answer is they went down the middle of the road!  All of the cars on either side pulled onto the 1/4 of a shoulder that exist on the Jackie Rob and he just eased on down.  Kinda cool, not to mention it was one of those new Dodge Chargers that NYPD got. 

That wasn't quickly at all, was it?

The Recital

So I actually ended up taking some video of my God daughters performance.  She was pretty good.  I can't even lie and say that most of the program was boring as fuck though.  I clapped for all of the kids, and none of it was actually painful, but boring.  They have a drumline thats pretty damned good.  I liked it even more since it included three young ladies.  But I felt bad for them since they were so much better than the rest of the band.  Most of the drumline looked bored to tears.  

Both sides of the family were there.  Monkeyboy (he is such a serious seven year old, but his deep voice always makes me smile) Monkeygirls stepdad, stepgrand, step aunt, and I think what might have been his new lady friend.  Plus Monkeygirls best friend and a friend of stepgrands. On our side was me, Cousin T, Grandma (Cousin T's Mommy), Greatgrand (who is my dads sister, and who lived downstairs in the house I grew up in.  She still lives there and boy do I have some crazy stories about Aunt Bling), Granddad (Cousin T's stepdad and Superslags dad), Aunt (u know her as Coco of the brown teeth, but boy has that changed! Superslags sister and Cousin Ts stepsister) Superslag, and Wackman (her man that she accused me of sleeping with.)  What struck me was the was that Superslag and her man were dressed compared with the way Stepdad and his lady were dressed.  One couple looked like two people past their prime still trying to dress like teenagers, and the other looked like two people much about their business, young professionals if you feel me.  I think you all are smart enough to figure out which couple was which.

There is this teacher at Monkeygirls school, ooooooh boy is there this teacher.  It was a full house and he was trying to make sure that everyone had a seat.  He sure as hell could have sat on my lap.  And do I know my god child or do I know my god child?  Cause something told me when I was buying her tights to buy an extra pair.  Good thing cause she has an obsession with being properly lotioned, just like myself, put on too much and got grease stains on the first pair she put on.  GodMommy Troubsy to the rescue!

I was going to post some pictures of her but then I decided against it.  It seems hardly fair when I never post pictures of myself.  Not to mention they all include other peoples children.  With all the pervs that slide through here looking for black chicks fucking in boots it was a no brainer.

Look What I Found Daners!

Ok, so I think the Captain Jack Sparrow doll should go to Anners, but I found this one for you!

By the by, the Captain Jack doll talks, it'd be cooler if he said dirty things...

Young Buck

So I figured out what the Young Bucks name is, but he will be known (for however briefly) on Snarky as Young Buck. As I will it, so mote it be!  ( I would apologize for the last sentence, but you guys should be used to my irreverence by now)  Anyway, we talked a couple of times and he makes me laugh so thats a plus.  BUTT (thats a really big butt - who knows what movie thats from?) I feel a way cause Hautey and the Artist called me a baby cougar cause he's younger than me.  I'm afraid to ask exactly how much younger he is.  ANNNND cause we were speaking the other night and got cut off.  He called me back, we spoke a little longer and then got cut off again.  When I tried to call him off, I got the out of service message and haven't been able to get through since.  So its not looking good for the Young Buck.  

And Brownie is looking for me, but I have yet to answer the phone...

Bad God Mother

yes, I will admit it, I'm a terrible God Mother.  I don't see my Monkey Girl nearly as much as I should and she is such an amazing young lady.  She is going to be 13 in March and while I absolutely adore her alot of shit gets in the way of me spending time with her.  Namely her mother, Superslag (she and the baby are out of the hospital, so I can go back to calling her Superslag without feeling bad) not that she stays with Superslag.  She actually lives with her stepfather, his mom, and her little brother.  I think that her stepdad and his family are an amazing bunch of people for raising a little girl that they certainly didn't have to.  And it pisses me off to no end that my family didn't step up and keep MonkeyGirl with us.  They all talk about the Steps like they are better than them, but my family has their own issues, and Superslag is like the carrier for all of them.

But Monkey Girl does not let me get away with slacking, and since the Steps like me, she calls me pretty often.  Boy do I need to teach that child phone manners cause whenever she calls there is no hey Trouble or anything, she just starts talking.  Luckily I don't know any other sweet voiced 12 year old girls.  Figuring out what she is talking about is a whole nother story.  

It was back in August, and I was chilling with Hautey and the Artist, my cell phone rings "Trouba what kind of smoothie did you get that time?"  Huh?  Ok the nickname stems from when she was a wee one and couldn't say my name so I know who it is.  What smoothie though?  Oh shit, she means the smoothie that I got July 4th weekend when we were in the Vineyard.  Like the hell I remember!  So I had her read me the flavors when she got to the bakery.

Two days ago, I'm playing with Pooper and my cell phone rings, "Trouba whats the address of the Capezio store by your job?"  Huh?  I swear the kid probably thinks I'm slow.  Oh thats right she switched programs at her Junior High School and is now in the dance program.  So I spent a good portion of yesterday running around looking for footless flesh tone tights in a S/M.  And getting them to her for her performance today.  I can't wait cause I usually miss her performances because of my work schedule, but I'm not missing this one!  I'll be sure to take lots of pictures!

Oh and she gets all the clothes that I'm giving away, the little shits legs are almost as long as mine! (and thats saying something cause I'm about 3/4 legs!)  And the reason I called her a little shit just now, is cause I'm telling her that I look and see if I have any size 0 pants and jeans for her and shes scheming on how to get me out of the J Brands that I had on, "Why don't you let me try those on to see what will fit?  Who makes those again?  What size are they?"  

I hate old ladies...

...not all of them.  But the ones who think that having some wrinkles and grey hair entitles them to speak to people any old way.  Sorry old bitch, my respect is earned, but you knew that didn't you?

So last night should have been a wonderful evening, I took Mommy to go see ALVIN AILEY!!!!  and you know how I feel about Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. (NYC residents - if you were unable to get tickets to this years City Center performances, they will performing at BAM in June)  Plus it was a night of all new works, including Firebird, which was first.  In this staging, the lead role of the firebird was danced by a male, Clifton Brown.  And oh boy did his ass and thighs make me forget where the hell I was!  Then the other firebird comes out, and boy was he ever the perfect compliment to Mr. Browns light and lovely looks.  Jamar Roberts (I think) is a luscious piece of chocolaty man candy, yes indeed.  We also saw Unfold, which while short was phenomenal!  I think that was my favorite piece of the night.  It was danced my Linda Celeste Sims (who is one of the more recognizable faces of Ailey, she appears in a number of their promotional materials and is really quite beautiful, then she starts dancing and it becomes impossible to take your eyes off of her) and Clifton Brown, Mr. Firebird.

There were two other pieces, The Groove to Nobody's Business and Saddle Up, both were being preformed for the first time this year.  They weren't bad, but I think I prefer the older choreography.  They seems to beheading more towards a modern dance flavor and I'm hesitant to like it since one of the things that I find so mesmerizing about AAADT is their ballet skills.  The leg extensions, the beautifully pointed toe, all of that seemed lacking in The Groove.  Saddle Up was better, but Mommy didn't get it.  Part of the reason that I like Saddle Up is that they used the music of Yo Yo Ma and I dig him.

Now about the old ladies.  If you've ever been to the theater, you know that if you arrive late, they usually make you wait and watch on a closed circuit tv until intermission.  Well thats what happened to the 6 old ladies that were sitting next to and behind me.  And of course I would get stuck sitting next to and in front of the most annoying old biddies in the bunch.  The one next to me, comes in and sits down and decides that I'm in her seat.  I know its not because not only do I know what seats I bought (I looked at the seating chart with the ticket agent when I got them) but we were also seated by an usher, and I'm pretty sure she would know.  Also I heard one of the other women say, "we have the three on the end in both of these rows."  So when she looks at me and says, "You're in my seat!  I'm not going to ask you to move, yet"  I looked at her like, bitch you better not ask me to do shit but excuse your rude attitude!  So the next piece starts and the one behind me, who of course has the most annoying voice you ever heard, decided now is the time to complain about having to wait outside during the first piece.    And my seat mate decides to continue talking about how I'm in her seat. 

Luckily it was a short piece and they shut the fuck up when just about everyone in the section around them cleared their throats as a subtle hint to "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU OLD BAG!"  Oh how I wanted to say that last night.  So its a brief pause in the show and the old bitch next to me finally realizes that I'm not 19 like she first assumed, and she changes her tone.  "I'm pretty sure that she's in my seat and I can't see anything from here, but I don't want to cause any trouble."  So now she's gonna play the poor old woman card.  Sorry bitch not buying it, and neither for that matter is Mommy.  

"What the hell is she going on about now.  Like it wasn't bad enough that they were talking all during the beginning of the piece.  If you were in her seat, don't you think the usher would have asked you to move already?  Sheesh!"  "It's alright Mommy, I know what seats I bought and since she doesn't feel its necessary to address me directly, she can kiss my ass."  I dont think that I need to mention that these women were sitting right next to us so they undoubtedly heard everything Mommy and I said, just like we heard everything that they said.  All of a sudden old bitch wants to check her ticket and lo and behold, she is in the right seat.  Which of course she doesn't want to sit in anymore, she ended up going upstairs to the cheap seats by herself.  Honestly, I think she was annoying the snot out of her friends too, cause no one offered to go with her. 

Lord, please don't let me grow up to be a bitter old woman.   Please!

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Ben's a prick...

I've been saying that for the last two days cause I finally saw Knocked Up.  I still can't stand that Aryan nation looking broad, she just annoys the fuck outta me.  And what was so sexist about that movie?  Women nag and men are assholes, for the most part...

And they soooo should have kept the scene where Jonas is talking about Brokeback Mountain in the movie.  Thats was fucking hilarious and sooo true.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, you need to check out the deleted scenes.  "It was only the tip and I was sleeping..."

Anyway, sorry for the little hiatus, my life is nuttier than some almonds in a bowl made out of walnut shells right now.  Thats not to say that it won't happen again, cause I'm a flake like that...

Gawd bless Jezebel...

You may have seen this if you've been on Jezebel.com in the last day or two, but what the fuck, its hilarious as hell.  And who doesn't love Bea Arthur?!

Bow Chicka Wow Wow!

Ok, I can admit it, I'm a spaz.  This is evidence by the fact that it took me four tries to spell the word spaz right.  Even further evidenced by the fact that I am constantly screwing up dates and shit.  You see, this week was my girl Bizzy's birthday, she sent me an evite to her party, which was being held at a club in the city.  Sunday is also Slick's birthday, (Time Out:  GO SAGGS!  GO SAGGS!) so when I was chilling with him last Sunday, I brought up the party that Bizzy was having on Saturday the 14th.   Cool he says, can you ask her if she can put you on the list for like 14 people?  I call Bizzy, sure no problem, just mention such and such list when they get to the door and they should be cool.  Bizzy and I also get to talking and she tells me she's still not sure how she's getting there and let her know if I'm coming by myself because she may be driving and there will be no one else in the car.  I already invited Cousin T and Bobby, but Bobby has already gotten back to me to say that she didn't think she would be going out, she's in school for her masters, and since Cousin T is working on her PhD, I figure same deal.  Sure enough a day later, I talk to Cousin T and she's got a shitload of class work.  

Friday rolls around, and it started off kinda crappy cause I couldn't find my check book and the mortgage is due on the 15th.  Yes I'm old fashion, I don't like paying that shit online or electronically,  I want a person to blame and a receipt thank you very much!  So I was kind of dragging all day, cause even though I found it, it threw me off.  I finally unwind and its like 9, I say to myself, self call Bizzy and see if she's set for tomorrow night.  "Hey girl, whats what, I was just calling to see how you're getting there tomorrow night?"  "Trouble what the hell have you been smoking, my parties tonight!"  Uh, oooops?!  Make matters worse, no she doesn't have anyone to ride with her, can I?  She needs to be at the club at 12:30.  what the fuck am I going to wear?  Three dresses pop into mind.  Shit, what about Slick?  Quick phone call and we're good, he'll see me later at the club.  Fuck, Cousin T!  She's in the house doing some work, damn she wanted to go out too, but hold on T cause Slick may still want to go out on Saturday.

Oh to make matters worse, I just downloaded a new ringer for my phone, Chocolate Rain, and everytime I hear "Chocolate Raaaaaaaaaain!..." I crack the fuck up and have to compose myself in order to answer the phone.  Best ringer ever, right after the pinball song from Sesame Street (1,2,3,4,5  6,7,8,9,10  11,12!), and Back to Black.  But I did manage to get dressed and ready by 12:30.  Bizzy didn't show up til 1 but thats another matter.  I was ready.  So we get to the City, and the promoter is not at the Club.  Which means we're going to have to wait on line.  Wait, not so much a problem cause Slicks already there and on line.  Wait, problem cause Bizzy's not sure if we are going to have to pay and the dude the promoter told her to call isn't answering his phone.  Wait, bigger problem cause Slick, as usual, is wearing Jordans and they, as usual, don't want to let him into the club in sneakers.  "Nah, Troub go on in enjoy yourself, I'll catch up with you later."  

Still can't find the promoter and we're going all over the club trying to find Bizzy's peeps, and see where they set her up in VIP.  Errrrrrrrrk!  Thats the screeching halt that was the whole VIP thing.  Seems the promoter didn't set her up anywhere.  No matter, find me a Grey Goose and pineapple juice and all will soon be right with the world.  Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk Crash Boom Blow The Fuck Up!  Bizzy doesn't drink, and I'll be damned if I'll be the (cover your eyes Danae! Seriously skip ahead to the next paragraph Ok?) high reeking of trees AND drunk off her ass friend.  My self medication might have had something to do with the fact that I was hella calm and mellow during this whole shit.  

So, Bizzy decides to gather her posse and roll out to eat.  She's organizing and I'm standing at the top of the three stairs that lead down to the dancefloor.  I see this adorable little dude (I have a weakness for guys who are like my height without heels, don't know why)  whose song clearly just came on.  I'm standing there smiling at his antics and he looks up, stops dancing and climbs up and over the little railing that separating me from the dance floor.  "Hello gorgeous"  I swear the boy is maybe 23 or 24, but adorable as all shit, who know I had a thing for freckles?  So he tells me his name, and I'm gonna call him Aig, cause it was either Craig, Greg, Dre, or something along those lines.  And he tells me that he's a pharmaceutical technician and I'm thinking, boy drug dealers are really coming up with some creative new things to call themselves, but it turns out I'm an ass and apparently think the worse in people cause it turns out he really works in a pharmacy.

And no, I didn't flat leave Slick, I called him as soon as we left and he met us at the restaurant.  I'm also supposed to see him tonight.  And oh shit, fries with fresh shaved parmesan and truffle oil is my new favorite thing!

Sorry!

Thanks for the kick in the ass Anners!  A lot happened this week..

*  I developed a new sleeping pattern where I fall asleep at 11:30 wake up at 1, fall asleep, wake up at 3, fall asleep and wake up at 6 at which point I either pee and fall back asleep or stare at the ceiling until its time to get up

*I went out with Bubba which was great.  But while I was waiting for him, I was hit on by a delivery guy and a homeless man, at the same time.  The homeless man was standing across from me in front of the restaurant that I was meeting Bubba at.  This woman walks up to look at the menu and the homeless guy gives her the side eye and says (I shit you not!) "Why you gotta be standing all close to me and shit!  Don't you see I'm crazy!  Stupid bitch" at which point I crack the fuck up.  Wrong thing to do, cause now the delivery guy who was sitting in the truck I was standing in front of decides to strike up a conversation, "You waiting for me to take you out to eat?"  Where are we going McDonalds?  So I'm politely ignoring him, which causes me to catch the homeless guys eye, "I had this lady, and she used to always ask me, how come you last so long, and I'd tell her, you just hold on baby, daddy's bout to come, and I'm gonna fill you up..."  Yeah rock and a hard place.  Luckily Bubba arrived not soon after and wanted to know why I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't catch my breath.

*I met Hautechick for what was supposed to be lunch, but we ended up in Club Monaco shopping for an outfit for the Artist.  Which made me realize that part of the reason that I miss having a man is cause I miss buying him clothes.  It was alot of fun helping Hautey dress the Artist though.  And I told her he would like a bow tie, she said no, then told him about my idea, and of course he loved it!

*I may be going to either Trinidad, Barbados, or Italy.  Not sure...

*I got lost in a mega Barnes and Nobles.  Usually I love the bookstore, but I couldn't find anything in this one, it was too big.  And there were people lying all over the floor.  Ok, I'm totally cool with people using the Barnes and Nobles as a library as long as they don't fuck up the books or LAY IN FRONT OF THE BOOKS!! Sure you may not want to buy something, but don't stop other people from buying stuff.   And they didn't have all of the new books out like they usually do.  So I ended up coming home and ordering the books I wanted from the b&n website.  I did get this baking handbook that has a recipe for bagels and english muffins.  I was going to bake a cake, but Mommy beat me to it.  Boy is it good - eating some now!

*I'm supposed to go to a party on Saturday...

*I gained 8 pounds!  Go TRex!  Mommy says I look alot better, that I was starting to look old ("You looked 25 instead of 21" which is crazy since I'm 30) and the extra weight is carried well.  Yeah, Trouble got her ass back

The Hair Story

I keep saying that I'm going to write about my locks, but just like maintaining them, it seems to take too much time.  Unlike my locks, I usually give up and end up saving the draft for a while.  So here it goes, the story of my hair...

I decided to lock my hair a little over 8 years ago.  I had gone through just about every style at that point.  Natural cornrows, extensions, partial weaves, relaxers, afros, almost bald, I even have a small collection of wigs.  Leggs still plays with the wigs from time to time, but thats a whole nother story.  The point is, I've tried it all.  In fact one of my traits, as voted on by my high school class mates, was my ever changing hair.  I saw Bubba this week and we were talking about how we both basically look the same as we always did.  I say, "well except for the locks." and he replies, "oh please, your hair was always changing."  

I started freshman year in college with a layered chin length bob (relaxed hair) came back from Christmas break with micro cornrows in the front and a curly afro weave in the back and in ended freshman year with a super short relaxed style a la early Toni Braxton or Halle.  I think that was the fourth of fifth style that I tried my freshman year, including a brief flirtation with some silky locks.

Sophomore year I returned with a 2 inch afro.  It grew, it shrunk, it constantly changed colors, sometimes it was braided, sometimes it was blown out.  I did everything with my hair that year partially cause Hautey was dating a kick ass stylist at the time and would give me a mayjah discount cause he was banging my sisty.  I stayed in New York to take a full time job my Junior year, and thats when I first thought about locking my hair.  It didn't happen because I was working at a Bank and my boyfriend at the time gave me a hard time about it.  Left the job and the man and finally locked my hair.

This is the longest that I've had my hair any one way in all of my life.  Not to mention that this is the longest that I've let my hair get.  I'm one of those women who has no problem chopping it all off if it gets to be too hot or too annoying.  But now I can't!  No I won't chop it off, no matter how many times my locks get stuck under my pocketbook strap and pull, or get in my mouth, or smack me in the eye, or tickle my neck or back and scare the crap out of me.  I've spent too much time on them.  I started them myself with the help of Mommy, and for the occasional trip to the African women or salon, I've pretty much always maintained them on my own as well.  Last weekend when I did them it took me a total of 4 and a half hours.  That included washing, conditioning, tightening, and drying them.  My arms were killing me.  And thats always the point when I weaken and think about how much I miss having almost no hair.

And as I take all the pins out and wrap it up so that I can sleep with out pulling all my locks out and keeping my edges neat, I always think to myself, this is a pain in the fucking ass!  But in the morning, when the sun hits them and they smell all luscious and feel all soft and wonderful, I remember how much I love my hair.  Those are usually the days that someone compliments me on my locks.  Its also usually the day that some strange man tries and smells my hair...

Thank You Afro!

For sticking up for me against the harpies!  

Anners and Daners Are Big Stinky Brontosauruses!

One More Thing About the Fight...

So I watched the house at Bobby's cousin's house.  Now (in case u dont remember) Bobby practically grew up in Cousin T's house, and has kind of adopted them as her own.  Every once in awhile, she'll bring up something about her actual family, but for the most part I don't hear too much about them.  But I have met a couple of them and I do know most of their names.  Well, I would if my memory wasn't for shit.  So we pull up to her cousins house and Bobby's making the introductions, "...and you remember Trouble..."  "No I don't know her, hi nice to meet you."

Now I feel like an ass cause I'm pretty sure that I have in fact met her before.  Don't remember her name, but the face definitely.  No matter, I'm used to it.  Every time I used to see Bubba's ex-fiance, she would say, "Oh its nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!"  while giving me half of a fake smile.  That happened about 4 or 5 times.  Come on bitch, I'm that chick!   You know the one in that 3 foot by 5 foot picture thats hanging in Bubba's Daddy's house?  Bubba's in it too, its from when we were in the 7th grade at some street fair with his dad.  We have a pact to destroy that picture but his dad loves it for some reason.  You know, the one that is cool with all of his boys?  That doesn't mind going to Knicks games with him (even though I think they've sucked since the 80s)?  Yeah thats me bitch.  

Anyway back to the fight.  So as I was saying, I'm used to that passive aggressive shit from weak women.  But this time, I'm writing it off as maybe she just doesn't remember me since Bobby and I are not what you would call the closest.  Shit is cool.  Everyone is watching the pre-fight, eating, drink, and poppin shit.  And the pictures come out.  "Bobby, you will never believe what I found!  Remember your birthday a couple of years ago?  I found the pictures!"  And there's Trouble in all her glory, smack dab in the middle of about 1/3 of them.  Don't remember me huh?

So, its a little later, the fights about to start and everybody is coming into the living room.  An acquaintance of mine May, and I decide to grab another beer before the fight.  Get to the kitchen and The Cousin's husband is in there, "What do yall need?"  being a good host, but there is only one bottle of beer left, the rest is in a lil mini keg.  So May (part of why I said acquaintance) grabs it and leaves me in the kitchen with the husband who is trying to help me figure out the mini keg.  Him being a "man" can't let me do it myself, which would have been quicker, and ends up breaking the tap.  He's trying to jury-rig that shit, when here comes The Cousin, "Whats going on in here?!"  Tone and face tight.  What do you think bitch, I'm in here banging your man against the fridge while your standing 4 feet away?!

We both turn, him with the keg, me with my cup and look at her like she's stoopid.  "Oh!  I want some beer!"  This little interaction just furthers my thinking that she knows exactly who I am, cause Bobby for some reason thinks that I fuck all comers.  That is sooo not the case, in fact I think I'm coming up on almost 4 months peen free.  I think she's just projecting her own shortcoming onto me, cause dude that she brought with her to the fight, and has been banging for at least 7 years is pretty suspect in my opinion.  Not to mention that he bet on Hatton, fucktard.  Then there was the dude that was married with kids, living with his mistress and also fucking Bobby.  Quite a catch.  Or how about the dude that was borrowing her car and letting other chicks use it?

I'm not gonna lie and say I never fucked a loser, but I sure don't keep them bitches around.  But the point of this post was to ask, what the fuck is up with chicks acting like they don't know who you are when they really do?  Is that supposed to throw me off my game, undermine my confidence or some shit?  Cause it just makes me want to shine a little harder to be honest.  It's funny cause I felt like getting dressed that night, and made my self tone it down.  I started to wear my black leather look legging, a black long chunky turtleneck sweater and my burgundy over the knee boots.  I ended up wearing my black J Brands, a black cashmere sweater and my patent leather boots...

Useless Complaint

So I'm awake and its all nice and quiet except for Duke's snoring and all of a sudden I hear this loud ass BEEEEEEEP!  Naturally, it scares the crap out of me and makes me realize that I have to pee.  It's my cell phone, apparently the battery needs to be charged.

Um, to cell phone engineers worldwide, can I ask a question; Wouldn't it make more sense to have the damn thing conserve energy when the phone is dying instead of beeping every 4 fucking minutes?  And why is it that the low battery alarm is louder than any of the other beeps and tones on my phone?  I won't hear the damn thing singing Back to Black at max volume in my Botkier bag, but the low battery alarm I always hear.  FIX THAT SHIT!  I guarantee that you'll make a shit load of money if you do.

The Fight

Huh, its strange, I was thinking about doing a post about the Merryweather Hatton fight but I forgot.  Somehow I still got some hits off of it.  Maybe those 8 people were psychic...

Anyway, I went with Cousin T and her man to Bobby's cousin's house to watch the fight.  It was only about 10 people which was cool.  And the house was for Merryweather, which was even cooler.  His last fight I was at a hispanic house and they were for De La Hoya.  Needless to say it almost came to blows a couple of times during the evening.  This time we were clearly told, "If Merryweather don't win, yall got to get the fuck out!  Cause I'll be damned if you see me cry!"

As you all probably know, nobody got kicked out.  I'll admit I was a little scared for a minute that the judges score cards weren't going to go Floyd's way.  But I did notice that every time he landed a punch, poor lil Ricky's head was snapping back like a crash test dummy.  I was pretty sure that if Floyd kept it up, he was gonna get him.  AND HE DID!  I mean did you see that shit!  First the snap back and then BAM! head first into the corner guard (Slick told me what that shit is really called, but I dont remember, sorry Slick.)  Two more hits and it was over.  I swear Ricky's camp threw in the towel before he even hit the ground!  And did anybody else peep the smile that came over Floyd's face when dude hit the ground?

Anyway it was a good fight, really made me want to go out and knock a fucktard out!

Family Matters - My Buppy Cousin

I've got a cousin (yes another one) who is an ivy league grad (both undergrad and her masters).  She's a member of a pretty well known African American sorority known for the paper bag rule and high pitched noises.  And she's married to a man who is a grad of a well known Historically Black College for males.  Now, don't take her education to mean that she's not trifling.  She has two little girls who I love very dearly in part because they remind me of Hautechick and myself as children.  But sometimes I worry about those girls.

The oldest is a little bit of a snob and reverse racist.  She told a the one white girl in her ballet class that she couldn't play with her and her friends because she wasn't a minority.  Yeah, my 7 -at the time- year old cousin used the word minority.  When Hautey was a wee one, she told a little girl at the playground to tell her mother to wash her coat.  I think Mommy said Hautey was 4.  The youngest is a mini Trouble if evah there was!  She's had the "are you out of your damn mind?!" look down pact at 4 and isn't afraid to use it on one and all.  She also remind me of myself because her best friend is this adorable little white boy with red hair.  (do I need to remind you of my Bubba?)  And when her mother expressed concern at their relationship (you twit, the damn kids are in the first grade!) she told IvyLeague, "who are you to tell me who I can love?"

There are a couple of reasons that I worry about them.  First and foremost is that their mother sends them out of the house looking all kinds of wrong.  Ok, I understand that you never learned to do hair (my cornrows look like shit, but I can at least manage some two strand twist or a neat ponytail) but you make enough to have some one else do their hair.  And that means more than once a month.  And if you have a full set of Louis Vuitton luggage, why is it that you buy all of their clothes from Conway?  If you don't have Conway where you live, lets just says its cheap.  Polyester and rayon reign supreme and the construction is not what you would call study.  I used to buy toiletries from the one Downtown Brooklyn, but stopped after I saw a rat in there.  That was at least 5 or more years ago, but I think you all know how I feel about rats.  

Mommy used to help her out with the girls when their nanny quit, but IvyLeague insulted Mommy so that was the end of that.  Once she picked Eldest up from school and dropped her off at dance class.  When they get to the dance school, Mommy is helping Eldest get ready and she notices that she didn't eat her sandwich.  No wonder, it was Olive Loaf on black bread or some shit like that.  Eldest is 9, not 90.  So Mommy throws out the sandwich, their little secret, and goes to get Eldest something to eat.  She comes back with a turkey sandwich and finds Eldest is ready for class.  Leotard and tights full of holes.  Being the competent mother that she is, Mommy is embarrassed as hell.  She ask IvyLeague about it and she's all "Oh Eldest is an artist, she can't be concerned with perfect tights."  Yeah but you're her mom, shouldn't you be concerned with that shit?!

End Note - why the hell can't I ever remember that embarrassed has two r's?!?!?

Am I Wrong...

...for getting happy when I heard that Bubba isn't getting married? Cause I dont feel guilty, just really really happy for him. Shit he doesn't sound to broken up about it. He just got back from Paris and we are going to lunch next week. He doesn't know yet, but he's treating and I'm getting pissy drunk!

...for being intrigued by the fact that Hautey went to a titty bar in Las Vegas last night. She's strictly dickly but she's an Aquarius.

Big Baby!

Spotted ovah at DListed
source

Huh

Apparently I'm a member of Team Celine, so if any of you are interested in Celine Dion tickets, holla at your girl! You know I got that hotness! Owwww

And I think "Don't Forget to Hide A Pickle In The Solstice Tree" has got to be one of the best titles that I've come up with, if I might say so myself. I think thats going to be the name of my novel...

And TRexy is still making me giggle like a loon.

I had to take the train with high school kids this morning and for some reason that always makes me nervous. By the by Afro, I was right, that was my train!

Wish me luck, the NY Mega Millions Jackpot is now 96 million dollars! That's 96 million dollars! Ah ha ha ha! (sorry still channeling the Count) I promise to buy you all something (or at least come and visit you all) if I win. Hmmm, I'm thinking TypHo estates in Canada, Hawaii, Turkey, Barbados, Seychelles, Belize or Ecuador, Thailand, Italy, and New Zealand.

For some reason this morning I said to Persian Royalty, "I need tea and sympathy!" he cracked up and told me thats the name of a restaurant. And don't worry I don't really need the sympathy, I'm in an exceptionally good mood! Which is hella strange considering...

Apparently I have some new alter egos

Say hello to DumbRexy and TRexy.  They may be popping up from time to time to cause Trouble!  (that cracks me up, I said cause Trouble!)

And thank Anners, she brought out the catty mean non eater in me.

Two Two Two Dancing Dudes!

A ha ha ha! (does anyone else adore The Count from Sesame Street?)

I think this was around the time that I fell in love with Savion...

courtesy of YouTube

Who Knew Steve Martin Could Tap Dance?!?

courtesy of YouTube

Doesn't get good til about the 1:46 mark, but damn!

Don't Forget to Hide a Pickle in the Solstice Tree!

* you show me where in the Bible is says that JC was born on December 25th and I'll start calling it Christmas. Some Pope back in the 4th Century choose December 25th, which was already an established holiday among Pagans. (by the by Pagan comes from the word paganus which means rustic, and refers to people that adhere to a Pre-Christian religion - mostly nature based or polytheistic. Oh shit look at the Dumb Rexy knowing shit! owwwwww!) That shit is Winter Solstice or Brumalia if you want to go waaaaay back. Christmas didn't even become a federal holiday in the USA until 1870.

When you're setting up your Solstice tree this year, don't forget to hide a pickle! Its a German tradition. And whom ever finds it on Solstice Eve, gets a special gift! Just some random winter knowledge that I picked up working in a Holiday Ornament store in high school. We used to sell glass pickles. I also know from working there that the man who used to play the Lone Ranger is delusional (dude you were on tv before I was even born, of course I didn't know who you were! Shit even the older folk didn't know who the hell you were, even AFTER you said your name, which I still dont recall) Rosie is hell on assistants and something of a meanie (we sold these ruby slipper ornaments that were covered in glitter and kept sending her assistant back to exchange them cause she didn't like the way the glitter was placed. I should point out that she picked them out herself but blamed the assistant) And Gregory Hines was exceptionally nice, a true gentleman and entertainer! RIP Mr. Hines...

Banksy's Got No Ass!

Thats right Anners, I said it, Paul Banks has got no ass! And he's not deep, I bet pink and baby blue are his favorite colors. And he might want to go see a dermatologist about that mole problem, I think I may have spotted (*HA! I said spotted!) a new one. And his girlfriend is gorgeous! AND INTERPOL SUKS!

(ok I really dont know if they suck or not, but Anners called me a dumb rexy!)

OH AND DONT THINK I FORGOT THAT YOU STARTED IT AFRO!!!! I got something for your ass too!

oh and he would look dirty even standing next to Kiki Dumbst! (ha ha I said, nevermind!) Thanks Koala Jane!

How Cold Is It?

Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra! Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey! (Buzz taught me that one!) It's fucking cold! And it snowed again last night.

I'll be back I'm going to buy tickets to Alvin Ailey! Firebird here I come! I don't know if I mentioned this but the lead dancer for Firebird is a man! I remember watching Judith Jamison dance the lead part as a kid, and am soooo excited to see it from another perspective.

If anyone out there knows any dancers, here is the audition schedule for The Ailey's School. Auditions are being held all around the country.

Totally random: I've realized that I can now say "20 years ago I was..."

Cause Screaming and Crying Sound Pretty Damn Good To Me Right Now...

Thank you YouTube

Little Piece

Gawd Bless The Crackhead

There is such a fine line between genius and insanity and I love to straddle the line! Amy Winehouse is a talented nut that I hope doesn't go the was of Janis and Jimi. Here's the video of my new favorite song by her. It's from her first album Frank (before Blake and the beehive and the weight loss)


...and by the by dude may be a punk but he sure is fun to look at!

A Spoonful of Sugar

• I'm going through some shit right now. Not my usual, I don't feel well, I'm too busy to blog type shit. I'm talking life altering. I'm not really sure how I feel about it so I'm not in any mood to share. At least not yet. So forgive me if I start rambling and you aren't really sure what I'm talking about. But just know that there was no loss of life limb or livelihood. Oh and I'm not pregnant

• I'd love to become a pastry chef (I think I mentioned this last week) but the program that I want is $33,000 for the 6 month program with internships and job placement.
  
• I'm sorry I haven't been leaving comments for you guys, Snarky has become straight out Bitchy lately and I didn't want to subject you guys to that. But I have been reading up.
• I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FALL INTO A FUNK!
• I love commercials, but there are a couple out there that annoy the shit out of me... The Sandwich shop one where the dad starts whining like a brat so the wife will buy him a sandwich, and the kid misses his baseball game because of it. The Office Supply Store Holiday commercial where Santa gets snowed in and calls in the Office Supply Store for help, it shows kids getting excited because they got a stapler AND pencils and Rudolph stealing a truck. (excuse me for a moment while Tiki takes over) Uh, Santa lives in the North Pole, you really think he doesn't know how to handle snow? And what the hell does Rudolph need with a truck when he can fly? Don't even get me started on the shiteous gifts. Oh and lastly the credit card commercial where there are all these scissors on the ground - thats the stuff of nightmares for me.
  
• A couple of months ago, LadyShay pointed out this medication that had some pretty scary side effects. Well I was looking at a commercial for this drug that is supposed to be for men that have an overactive bladder. The premise being that its embarrassing to have to pee all the time. BUT one of the major side effects is loss of consciousness upon standing. So let me get this straight, taking a piss isn't manly, but passing the fuck out everytime you stand up is?
• ALVIN AILEY AMERICAN DANCE THEATER has started its new season AND THEY ARE DOING FIREBIRD! They are performing in NY until December 31st and for the rest of the stops on the tour go here

They are going to Jacksonville FL, Costa Mesa Berkeley and Davis CA, and Seattle WA. I don't see any Texas dates though...

Cold Ain't Cute...

...and neither is stupid!

This weekend Mommy and I took a trip to see my Other Mother. Other Mother and Mommy have been friends since they were 14. Other Mother's parents had dropped her off in Brooklyn (she's from Queens) to visit her cousin (a neighbor and friend of Mommy's) but she wasn't home. Mommy, in a fit of unheard of friendliness, offered to hang out with Other Mother for the day and a TRUE friendship was born. It blossomed even more when two years later my Nana moved the family to Queens, not to far from Other Mother's house. There will be more on Other Mother later, as she's a hoot.

Anyway, Mommy and I stopped by Other Mother's house and Other Mother's 16 year old grandson stopped by to clean up the leaves in the backyard. Now, he's a good kid, doesn't cause too much trouble, but he showed up to clean up the leaves at about 4:45 pm (which if you're on the East Coast you know is right before darkness falls) and he has a little friend with him. At this juncture, I feel it might be prudent to denote that Grandson is a gorgeous gorgeous boy. He's already about 6'1", beautiful clear dark brown skin, huge luminous brown eyes framed by some of the longest lashes you evah did see, and cheek bones you could cut a steak on. Of course I could be partial since he's like my little cousin and I think they are all beautiful. Also in his favor is the fact that he doesn't seem at all aware of the fact that he is gorgeous. So it was no surprise to me, Mommy or Other Mother to find out that his little friend was a girl. Seemingly nice little brown girl who looked her age (I CANNOT STAND seeing these 16 and 17 year olds looking like they're in their 30s) BUTTTTTT it was cold as shit this weekend in NYC (I had to fucking shovel snow yesterday, but thats another story) and all she had on was a little leather bomber jacket and some Air Force Ones (are those like the $54.11's of the new power generation? and in case I just dated myself of people outside of NYC dont call them that, $54.11's are those Reebok high tops that were so popular in the 90s) to sit in the backyard and watch Grandson rake leaves. No gloves, no hat, no scarf, and as tight as her jeans were, I'm betting no long johns or tights either.

Needless to say (cause they are true mothers) Other Mother and Mommy had lil Miss bundled up in a wool shawl and faux-fur headband before allowing her to go back outside with Grandson. They were alot nicer to her than they were to me that time I was in high school and was too lazy to put my tights on after a basketball game and rode home on the train bare legged. I'm still hearing about how crazy I was to do something like that. "Oh, and remember a couple of years ago when she got that cropped wool jacket! Now that was silly!" I wore that jacket exactly 3 times before I realized that it WAS really stupid to think that something that stopped at my belly button would keep me warm in the winter.