Teenage Boys

So Four asked me to do him a favor since he's in Philly this week. A good friend of his, and a guy who went to high school with both of us (and I actually likes as a person even back then) runs a basketball camp for teenage boys one week each summer. It's actually not just a basketball camp because they also teach the boys leadership and life skills. They talked to them about how they can turn something they love (basketball) into something that can help them advance their lives. So I really had no problem saying that I would help out. And boy am I glad that I am for several reasons.

First, there is no better balm for a 31 year old woman's ego than to be the only female in a camp full of 30 boys and about 15 college educated men. Especially if she knows a thing or two about basketball which of course I do! The second reason is kind of related to the first. Since I'm the only woman, I naturally get alot of attention from the guys. But because GoodGuy and Four are such good friends they usually talk fairly often and I suspect GoodGuy must have mentioned something about that to Four because he has been calling to check on me at least three times a day. Once in the morning when he wakes up. Once while I'm at the camp to make sure things are going ok. And then there is our usual 2 hour conversation at night when I get home. Four has always been attentive but me being surrounded by males for 5 hours a day has taken it to another level.

Then there is the fact that it is rewarding as all hell. I highly recommend that everyone find a way to volunteer in their community in some way shape or form. There is no greater reward than making a difference in someone elses life. I haven't actually played ball in years so I dont think there is too much that I can offer the boys in the way of that, but I have yelled at alot of them about speaking up, introducing themselves with some pride, pulling their damn pants/shorts up, etc. I always leave tired but refreshed if that makes any sense. Yesterday I spent a good 45 minutes of my nightly convo with Four talking about various boys in the program and the potential that I see. I'm pretty sure that there are a couple of future stars in the program and one kid who is definitely going places - his personality and level of maturity is amazing, not to mention he's adorable and has a pretty good game.

So thank you Four for asking me to help, because I've really been enjoying myself!

The Make Up

So Four let me be mad for like a day. Then he called me and asked if we could get together and discuss what was going on. I have to give him this, the man is smart and he really pays attention to me. I've never been the type of woman to yell and scream at a man that I'm seeing but Four made sure that wasn't even an option. In fact he made sure that I was going to be as happy as possible before we got down to brass tacks. What did he do? He picked me up and took me to Five Guys! Yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach! How could I be really pissed when I knew he was taking me to my favorite burger joint. So even though we started the conversation in the car on the way there, I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

We got through it calmly, with a frank and open conversation about what was really the heart of the matter. I felt as if he really didn't want to go and showed it by trying to cut it so close with getting there, He felt that I just completely shut him down and gave up on him. This is especially poignant because the previous week I had told him how I usually dump guys after three months rather than invest more time with them. He thought that was what I was doing to him since it was about three months since we have been dating. Funny thing is, that have never even crossed my mind. I actually think that I might be falling in love, but since that would be something that I have never done before I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

Four broke up with a long time girlfriend at the end of last year and it really sent him for a loop. I personally think the woman was an idiot with self esteem issues but to be honest I am extremely greatful to the dummy. I mean without her fucking up, I wouldn't be with him now, and if it hadn't ended as badly as it did, then I dont think Four would even have considered dating me. It's not that he wouldn't have been attracted to me cause lets face it, I'm a hottie. But I am not anything like the typical woman that he dates. Despite gaining about 20 pounds (in all the right places!) since January, I'm still alot slimmer than the women that he has dated in the past. As he put it, he usually goes for the big body model and that is definitely not me. Also I have never had a problem admitting when I'm wrong - Four calls it my auto correct feature. Then there is the fact that we joke around alot more than either one of us have ever done with a partner. It is not unusual for me to call him a jerk at least once during a conversation and vice versa. We constantly make fun of each other and ourselves and laughter is a big part of our relationship.

All this has kinda helped me to realized what I've been missing in my relationships in the past. Four travels alot for work and his latest assignment is a 6 month stint in Philly. He started last week and brought me with him. I have to admit that it gave me a taste of what a housewife would feel like, sending him off to work in the morning, greeting him in some naughty lingerie when he got back. But it also kind of spoiled me, I miss falling asleeep and waking up next to him. I think I've got it bad...

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship.  We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day.  This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro.  Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was.  He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while.  He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance.  One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out!  Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to.  On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along?  Most definitely.  I put alot of thought into my outfit.  Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag.  Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female.  So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt.  Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go.  Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me.  I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.  

Four gives great hugs.  I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch.  But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it!  But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner.  We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there.  Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing.  But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side.  We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance."  That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?"  But no the second thing is not true.  I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.)  So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four.  I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling.  Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted.  Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice.  And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go.  We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great.  We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either.  He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that.  He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off.  Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date.  I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like?  So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door.  For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs.  It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss.  So what do I do?  I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him.  You'd be wrong.  Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me.  You'd still be wrong.  You know what my smooth ass does?  I mush him!

You Know What's Good?

• Adele's album 19
• Creme Puffs from Beard Pappa
• The Treats Truck
• the softness of my sister's afro
• gorgeous brown babies
• me in one of my favorite outfits (I have about 20)
• well groomed little girls in pretty simple dresses
• that gorgeous chocolate man that I work with that called me Lady Trouble when he introduced himself to me - swoon fucking worthy
• the fact that my job has absolutely no problem with coworkers getting it on
• my Momma's limeade 
• that Paul Frank Julius hoody with the puppets on the sleeves 
• love
• that moment right before orgasm when your breathe catches and the world seems to stop
• sweaty sated bodies intertwined
• watching Katee and Will dance the Pas de Deux choreographed by Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden again, even with the flight flub on the turn the first time it was still so much better than good
• me on top

Boo!

Yes I know it's been awhile.  And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

• Almost got back with PYT
• Got back with Brownie
• Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
• Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
• hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
• hung out with Bubba a couple of times
• saw Grant Hill!  (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine.  No disrespect Tamia)
• went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
• found a temp agency that actually got results.  as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them.  as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell.  as in bitch got two offers...
• oh, did I mention I got a job?
• got a kick ass job
• got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position 
• did some serious shopping on a budget
• ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning.  Congratulations on the baby boy!
• went to a couple of parties
• i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember.  hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
• made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday.  It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over. 
• got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body.  I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing.  I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you.  And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.  
• told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
• saw all kinds of short pant atrocities!  I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things.  I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.  
• saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!!  it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly.  I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso.  But, my gawd, her torso.  And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack.  Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
• bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
• I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course!  itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs.  sorry!  I'm a flake like that.  You should forgive me cause I'm cute.  And did I mention I got a job?  You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately.  kisses, bitches!
• I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
• decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic.  Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob.  I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did.  I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart.  Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh.  So, no talk about my job.  Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss.  Seriously, love.  But not like that.  Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love.  A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence.  Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me.  and HI SWAG!

The Answers....

1. True - I'm good as long as I don't see the needle
2. True - but in my defense, she never knew I did her man, she suspected but its not like she could ask me straight out.  Well she could have but I think I already established her ass was weak anyway.  Seriously, if thats your homegirl and I'm sleeping with her man, let me know on some real shit not on some "Ooooo let's jump her ass!"  cause its not like I knew.
3. Hell Naw that shit is false
4. Truly
5. True!  I love NYC cause you never know who you'll run into!
6. True - I really really really don't like eggs
7. True - for some strange reason (probably cause the fish know I can't eat them) I always catch a shit load of fish, but someone has to bait the hook and retrieve the fish for me - even touching them makes my throat itchy.
8. False - at least not to my knowledge, but I have been in the room when other people had sex - not by choice, they thought I was sleeping and I couldn't exactly get up and walk out of the room!
9. False - I have dated someone that was 15 years older than I was.  The youngest person that I've dated was 8 years younger than me.
10. Sadly true - I wasn't aware of it when we first started seeing each other, he said they were separated, but not separated enough for my ass.  They still lived in the same house with their two kids....
11. True, but I'm not telling and I doubt you guys could guess who it is....

I think Swag was the only one who got them all right.  Don't know what the questions were?  Go Here

True or False

Blog reader participation time!  below find some statements about yours truly.  its up to you to determine whether they are true or false....

1. even though I absolutely hate needles, I've been inked twice and plan on getting another tattoo.
   
2. once when I was away at college, I was seeing this guy, not too seriously.  I showed up at a small get together with two other guys -friends, and found a whole bunch of my guy's friends including one chick that I thought I was cool with.  I wanted to make sure that they all knew I was just cool with dudes, not banging,  so I approached her and explained, thinking I was coolest with her.  She not only tells dude I showed up drunk with two guys (Everybody was drunk!) but she also tells his other chick (the one that thought they were serious) and tried to set me up to get jumped.  Unfortunately for them, suburban chicks ain't got shit on Bed Stuy when it comes to a good old beat down.  Saw that shit coming a mile a way.  I was feeling a might vengeful after that so (and here's the true or false part) I slept with chick-who-ratted-me-out's man as payback for her running her mouth and starting the whole mess.
   
3. I've been eaten out by another woman
   
4. I can play the trumpet and own an electric guitar and amplifier
   
5. The other week, I was in Katz's Delicatessen (best fucking pastrami in the whole fucking city! also the place where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally) late night and I turn around after ordering my $16 sandwich (you can make two out of it and it is soooooo fucking worth it) and (here's the true or false part) there was Danny fucking DeVito!
   
6. I haven't eaten an egg - scrambled, fried, poached, over easy, deviled or otherwise - since I was 7 years old
   
7. even though I'm allergic to fish, I'm often found fishing and I once got a fish hook embedded in my middle finger
   
8. I've had sex while other people watched
9. I've dated someone who was 23 years older than I was
10. I've dated a married man
11. I have a blog crush

Make your guesses, and I'll provide the answers on Wednesday...

A Peek at My Playlist...

some of the stuff that I'm currently listening to...

I Will Not Apologize - The Roots ft. Porn & Dice Raw, Rising Down (am I the only one that hears Talib on the chorus? for all of my people who understand and truly recognize, some won't get it and for that I won't apologize...)

Lost Desire - The Roots ft. Malik B., & Talib Kweli , Rising Down (BUY THIS ALBUM!!!! I'm exhausted but I'll never ever forfeit, yall just bullshit while I knock a nigger off quick - We on some casualties of war shit, what you stand for kid? We in the city where they definitely lost it-and that ultra smooth outro)

I Like - Guy  (The things you do to meeeeeee, it brings out exctaaaaaaassseee, fucking classic)

The Show - The Roots ft. Common & Dice Raw, Rising Down (did I say BUY THIS ALBUM? I can't stop, I won't stop, I will not, I will rock...)

Touch My Body - Mariah Carey, E=MC2 (cause I'm really wanting someone to touch my body who knows what the fuck their doing, cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous, I will hunt you down!)

Press Play - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (soooo fucking smooth)

Let It Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (you should buy this album too, but then again I'm partial to Snoop)

Take Your Time (Do It Right) - The S.O.S. Band (do I really need a fucking reason for this one?)

SD Is Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (I don't know if I would have named the song that but it gets me hyped)

Just A Touch of Love - Slave (a little bit, 6 minute and 31 seconds of funk and I love when they say a little bit, a little bit)

The Way That I Love You - Ashanti (I repeat, I AM NOT A FAN OF ASHANTI, but I really like this song...)

Sexy Can I - Ray J ft. Yung Berg (I really have no excuse for this one...)

Going On - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I always end up dancing around when this shit comes on)

All Night Long - Mary Jane Girls (hey boy, would you meet me on the roof tonight, I got a surprise for you...)

Soldier - Erykah Badu, New Amerykah (I really haven't gotten too much into this album but I'm digging this track)

A Little Bit Better - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I don't this this album is as good as their last, but its not bad either...)

White Lines - Grandmaster Flash, Melle Mel & The Furious Five (no explanation needed)

Teen Spirit - Nirvana (this is probably one of the most played songs in my ipod, blame private school though I don't think I pick this up from Bubba.  Alvin Ailey ADT actually sampled this song for one of their pieces.)

High Hopes - Frank Sinatra (what?!? it's Sinatra!)

My Moon My Man - Feist, The Reminder (blame Verizon, they had this song all up in one of their commercials and it got stuck in my head, I actually like Feist...)

Naima - John Coltrane (I've always loved this song...)

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk, Discovery (I always embarrass the shit out of Cousin T when we go out and some Daft Punk comes on...)

Lovefool - The Cardigans (Saaaay that you love me!!!)

A Night In Tunisia - Art Blakey, A Night in Tunisia ( I was raised on jazz but I specifically love horns - trumpets, saxophones, coronets, tubas, trombones...)

Love and Hate

• I love watching my god daughter grow up, remembering the first time I saw her, the day after she was born, causing a fuss in the incubator room
• I hate the fact that she failed her fucking social studies test.  Come on kid, it's Social fucking Studies!  I know she can read so what the fuck?!?
• I love that my mom still remembers things that I used to love as a kid and will bring them home to surprise me
• I hate the fact that most of the time, the things she remembers are things that I made myself sick on and no longer eat
• I love my incredibly silly and equally talented brother in law - I swear Hautechick, if you two break up, I'm going with his ass
• I hate the pressure of having to bring home and equally wonderful man of my own
• I love that I have "met" so many wonderful people through my blog - PrettyBlack, LadyShay, Daners, Afro, Anners, Jennifer, The Swagalicious One (Damn! Man puts up a pic of hisself and single female bloggers start to flocking huh?  Must be that swagger man) and everyone else
• I hate that some of you are so fucking far away.  Damn, bitches could really cause some fucking trouble (*tee fucking hee!) if we were within driving distance!
• I love that Shay can smell lavender in FL and I'm smelling gardenia's in NY
• I hate that bitches are getting some and I'm not!  Ok, so not really but I was going with the theme here.
• I love that a bad bitch like me can sleep til 11:30 AND STILL buy a fucking Coach bag when ever the fuck she wants it!  (wanna be a bad bitch? ask me how - I should get that shit made into a t-shirt)
• I hate that I wasn't taking better care of myself while I was working.  There was no got damn reason for me to be that skinny and that stressed out.  For real
• I love that I can feel insecure as fuck some days but I still act like my shit smells like roses
• I hate that I feel insecure at all
• I love that I can cry at the drop of a dime.  
• I hate that dumb chits think that cause there might be tears in my eyes, I won't hit them
• I love how soft the underside of Duke's snout is
• I hate that my Pooper is getting old 
• I love my paradoxes - girly tomboy, conservatively liberal, casually glamorous, well mannered potty mouth, sweetheart bitch of an underachieving success.
• I hate that I haven't found my match yet
• I love that I haven't settled for less than the right man
• I hate that I've never fallen in love yet

The Where I Was...

So last week was ab-so-lute-ly gorgeous in NYC.  I'm talking perfect late spring type weather.  (If you're not from NYC, than that means upper 70s and sunny, slightly cool at night.)  So I spent alot of time out of doors.  I spent about two days giving Duke a shape up.  Of course, a week later and he looks like he could use another trim.  Then I spent an afternoon with Mommy at our local Lowe's Home Improvement.  I found a exotic houseplant whose common name is Lipstick Rasta so of course I had to get it.  Not to mention that its tendrils look like my hair when I put it in curls.  I paid for Mommy's lil Lowe's adventure and she thanked me for her Mother's Day gift. 

For the past couple of years, I haven't remembered when Mother's Day is.  So instead of missing it and being a jerk, I always try and buy Mommy something in early April just to be safe.  As it turns out, thats also the time that Mommy starts to plan out her garden for the summer, so I usually end up getting her plants or garden related items.  Now when ever I buy her any thing of that sort during the month of April, she adds it to the Mother's Day gift list.  She kind of gets over.

So then the next day we spent in the garden together, planting all the shit she got.  I'm not allowed to plant things with out her permission and can only plant things in the places that she designates.  She's a really strict gardener and shamelessly uses me for cheap labor.  On the up side, my ass and thighs are gonna be right for the summer.  All that damned bending, squatting, and lifting is doing a body good!

The whole time, Duke is laying in the grass doing his best impression of an urban lion.  I wish I could say that old age has mellowed him, but every time someone too rowdy got too close to the gate, he would take off like a bat out of hell and scare the crap out of them.  He finally seems to have tuckered himself out, and here comes this little boy from up the block.  I'm hidden behind one of Mommy's ginormous evergreen bushes, and I hear him say to Mommy, "Excuse me miss, where's your dog?"  Mommy points to Duke, splayed out in the grass, and right on cue, he yawns huge at the kid and rolls his eyes.  I love that dog!

And of course after all that time outside, my hair was dirty.   Didn't smell of anything, but I had been sweating and I can't stand nasty dreads.  Since I was at it I put the curls back in.  That shit took forevah, but they look amazing, if I must say so myself.  Then I made lemon cupcakes with raspberry buttercream icing.  I have to admit that I ate most of them myself, but I did give two to Cousin T, Mommy ate probably one less than I did, and I gave one to Hautechick and one to the Artist.  Everyone loved them, except for Hautechick, the asshole.  I'm on the phone talking to her about the Tupperware that Cousin T brought me (its a cupcake carrier!) and she says, "Why would Cousin T buy something for you?  Oh and I meant to tell you your cupcakes were dry."  I said, "What?!" to give the insensitive chit a chance to rephrase and she says, "your cupcakes were dry"  I hung up on her ass and she has the nerve to call me back and then leave a message repeating that she thought my cupcakes were dry, "since you didn't let me finish."

Half Baked

• I really tried to do my homework this weekend but a couple of things slipped through.  Damn you PYT and your flaky ass!  Thats why I ate your cupcake you momo!
  
• WARNING LADY SHAY!!! although if we are still synched, that might have been a little late.  I was early
• I spent about an hour and a half on the phone with my sister the other day.  By the end of the conversation I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt something awful, and tears were streaming down my face.  She reminded me of how I used to put bandaids on myself at night when I was little.  No reason, I just liked bandaids.  One day my Mom found all of the bandaid wrappers under my bed and freaked out a little.  She asked me why I was putting on bandaids, did I hurt myself? and I replied (at least according to Hautechick) "No, I just like bandaids."  I still have a thing for bandaids
• I also used to stick stuff up my nose, which is strange cause I can't even do nasal spray now
• So Cousin T calls me yesterday with a rather strange request.  Superslag (her sister) sent her a text message that morning asking her if she could contact me on her behalf.  It seems that she would like for me to make 33 red velvet cupcakes for her birthday next week.  She tells Cousin T that she would have called me herself, but she doesn't have my number anymore.  Then she says that she will pay me for all of the supplies.  Uh, bitch I know you think your slick, but I'd have to be a real idiot to fall for that one!  I made the cupcakes for your daughter because I LOVE HER, you I just barely started to be able to stand for more than 5 minutes.  I should calculate the cost of supplies, the cost of using the gas to cook those bitches, AND an hourly rate for my time.  I started to charge her a buck each but that is cheap as hell and while I might do that for someone I like, her not so much.
• Speaking of baking and Superslag, I will never forget the time that someone paid her to make them a birthday cake, $20, and this chick makes a box cake and says some shit like, "Do you know how much a box of cake mix cost?!"  Actually I don't, my Mom taught me to bake from scratch and since in my opinion it only takes a little bit more time, and taste 1000 times better, I stick with scratch.
• More interviews.  I'm about to send XBossMan a letter of recommendation for him to sign.  I drafted all of his correspondence in the past and I figure this way I at least know the basis of what the lil shit is going to say in the letter, and I dont have to deal with him everytime I want a recommendation
• Gnarls Barkley in NYC!!!!!
• Is it me or is this season of Top Model excruciatingly boring, the majority of the girls are not attractive or intelligent or interesting in the least.  I cant stand the African chick or the drag queen.  I liked the chick that got kicked off for a hot minute, but even she turned into an ass

Lil Heifer...

So me and Cousin T pull up at SuperSlag's house for MonkeyGirl's birthday dinner and here is lil miss thing standing there looking like a junior me.  I have on black skinny jeans, she has on black skinny jeans.  I have on some Coach high top sneakers, and she's got on the low top version.  I say, "Hey Monk, do we have on the same sneakers?"  And this lil shits gonna say, "Uh uh, mine are Coach!"  with full attitude.  I swear I fell the fuck out and then informed the lil heifer that mine were Coach too!

Oh can I just say I put my whole mutherfucking foot in them red velvet cupcakes!  Cousin T's dad (my actual cousin) used to make THE best carrot cake until his diabetes got out of control.  He never gave the recipe to anyone, not even his daughters.  But he's giving it to me after tasting my cupcakes.  And its a good damn thing he got the diabetes under control cause he ate like 3 of them joints.  Even Mommy, the red velvet hater, ate two and was trying to steal more before I left the house with them.

Oh and I'm working on my homework PrettyBlack!

The Skin I'm In

• lots and lots of water, I drink that is.  Plus the MAC doesn't hurt a bit
• speaking of makeup, the handle on my makeup train case broke this morning and I'm really sad about it, I think I'm going to take it to the shoemaker since its leather and see if he can fix it.
• remember I used to do those post on things that every woman needs?  well I just thought of another one, a really good old school shoe maker.  They can take the calf of your boots in, or if they are really good make them a little bigger.  Stretch your too tight leather shoes (or do it yourself with some wooden shoe trees and some rubbing alcohol) fix the run down heel on your favorite shoes, replace a worn down sole, fix the leather strap on a makeup case, at least I hope so
• i actually had a really bad case of the chickenpox when I was in the 4th grade.  So bad that I missed the last month and a half of school.  I still have the dots all over including one on my right cheek and a couple on my nose.  They just dont show up in pictures for some reason.  Then again people usually think they're birthmarks...
• speaking of the chickenpox, did I ever mention that I have a half brother?  He's a real shit.  Anyway when I got the chickenpox, he was in the Marines and he came to see me when he was home on leave.  that would have been strange considering that we spent hardly any time together when I was a kid, but our dad had just passed away the year before, so he was trying to pretend that he's not an asshat.  Anywho, guess who gave the fucktard the chickenpox and guess who ended up in military quarantine for 2 months?
• and continuing on the theme of my shitwit brother, have I ever mentioned that I'm an aunt?  dont think so.  well anyway come to find out I'm an aunt again.  How did I find out?  My buppy cousin gets an email birth announcement from Shitwits (I really like that one, and it really fits my brother) wife, Shitwitta (shes an ass too), so she forwards it to my Mom, who checks her email like maybe 4 times a month (and that does not mean once a week) who mentions it to me last week.  The kid, a boy, was born on Valentines day.
• my home phone went out this weekend, actually all three lines in the house were acting wonky, so Mommy called Verizon and they said they would be here on Monday morning.  wait I should correct that, the first dumbass broad that answered the phone told Mommy that it must be a problem with one of our phones.  I said that was bullshit and told Mommy to call them back (after she made me check all the jacks - good thing the designers of this house were asses and there are only three of them, one on each floor) and THEN they said they would come on Monday.  And what a day Monday was...
• I'm knocked the fuck out, and I kinda hear Mommy's line ringing on Monday morning, but I rolled over and what do you know, it stops.  then my cell phone rings, it the verizon guy and he's outside.  oops!  So I throw on some sweat pants and a hoodie and answer the door.  Hello!  I was for a minute regretting my choice of attire when I realized that the sweats are kinda low rise and show off my flat belly very nicely and actually make me look like I have hips!  it didn't turn into anything but flirting, but that was my choice.  he called me once after he left to make sure that everything was ok, then he stopped by a little later to "make sure."
• so the verizon guy leaves and Mommy comes home and says, "huh, i thought that they were going to come and read the meter today." and right on cue the door bell rings.  I'm right there, so even though this is something that Mommy usually does, I answer the door.  First off, by this time Duke is pretty sick and tired of getting locked up everytime someone comes to the door, so he sticks his snooze in the door and follows me out into the vestibule.  Good thing I hadn't yet answered the front door.  So after a brief yet frenzied battle with the hairy beast I answer the door.  Dog hair everywhere and a tall young cutie here to read the meter!  Sheesh!  That boy better be happy Mommy was home cause I was seriously thinking about jumping the young man right there in the basement.
• My god daughter is going to be 13 on Thursday!  She wants a Sidekick and/or to go to Dave and Busters with a crew.  I'm all for the Sidekick - shes a good kid and she doesn't have a cell phone, but me and Cousin T had a long ass talk about the Dave and Busters thingamajig.
• I was in Filene's Basement shopping for MonkeyGirl's birthday and I saw the most adorable Ralph Lauren baby girl clothes.  I really was debating with myself if I should buy something for NewBabyGirl, SuperSlag's newest kid, but I decided against it.  She'll take it as were cool again and as always expect more.  It tears me up that I can't buy something for the kid without her Mom trying to hit me up for more.

Where's My Fuckin Cookie LadyShay?!?

Why is it when LadyShay says "Fuck you!" to me, I feel luved?

I actually took some pics when I finished doing my hair, but I look kinda pissed off and aggravated so I'm not posting them.  There's one of me with curly locks, and one with straight. Sort of a before wash and after.  Anyway, heres some snarky broad in all of her locked glory.  Don't you just love my enormous bamboo hoops?  I'm sooo old school...

Girly...

yes I'm still wasting time and that's my black diamond ring on the left above the shoe (picture doesn't do it justice)

Sesostris

• I was watching Engineering an Empire : Egypt and now I can't get the name Sesostris out of my head or Snefru for that matter
• ella ella ella eh!
• Last weekend I went to my godson's (MonkeyBoy) basketball game with Cousin T.  We showed up in time for his second game (the first was at some ungawdly hour in the morning) and the other team hasn't shown up, so it was a forfeit.  
  

1. Superslag was there with NewBabyGirl and WackThug showed up.  We're watching the kids shoot around for a while and there's this little boy who is pretty damned good.  Doesn't hurt that he's taller than most of the other kids, but his Jordan's are barely tied.  So I say, "That kid would be awesome if someone took the time to tie his sneakers."  And Cousin T starts choking and everyone else (SuperSlag and WackThug) get quiet.  Cousin T told me later the kid was WackThug's son...
2. MonkeyBoy makes the same stink face as that his mother (SuperSlag) used to make when she was upset about something as a child
3. Cousin T and I went to see her Mommy in the hospital after we left the non-game.  She was doing much better (trying to get us to bring her some real food!) and is actually home now.  I promised her that I would make her some incense...

• Memory foam Sock Monkey Slippers (from Target) are apparently "gangsta."
• can I just say "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ah, much better
• I had the worst cereal I have ever eaten this morning.  It tasted buttery and sweet and sour, it was in a word disgusting.
• So I usually do my locks myself.  Its a long and arduous task, but I'm always happy with the results when I'm done.  The worse thing that happens when I do it, is that I think my curls are too tight, or something else trivial.  The same can't be said for when someone else does it.  

1. There was the African Hair Braiding place where I used to have to wash it first (if I wanted it really clean) and bring all of my own supplies.  And forget asking them to style them.  And I usually would have to tell the woman not to use so much product in my hair.
2. Then there was the professional loctician.  She was right near my house, and not too expensive.  Sistah can really do hair, but she has no customer service skills or personality at all as far as I can tell.  I went twice.  Both times it was just me and her in the shop and she said about 20 words to me.  The first time, I kept trying to ask questions, one word answers.  I'm not asking for your life story, but if we have to sit here together for 2 and a half hours, the least you could do is turn on some fucking music or talk to me!    The second time I wore my ipod and brought a book.  Yeah my hair looked nice, but I always left there feeling uncomfortable, like she really didn't want my business.
   
3. So now I found a new place.  I know I'm just being completely and utterly lazy, since I'm home all day it's not like I couldn't do it myself.  But I kind of want to get out of the house.  So I walked over there the other morning, and they weren't open.  I think that's a sign that I should get off of my ass and do it myself.  No curls this time though, they take too fucking long to do.
4. Speaking of hair, but almost completely unrelated (like something in this post was related) you know I really can't cornrow.  Lately Mommy has been making me practice on her, talkinbout what if I have little girls.  But PYT has braids and asked me if I could do his hair, I was like, "Uh..."

• I was going to say that I was verrrry goood last month in terms of not shopping.  But thats not entirely true, so I was going to amend it to say that I didn't buy any clothes last month.  But thats not true either...

1. I got my rose gold and black diamond ring.  To say I love it would be an understatement.  I also have to learn to stop staring at it like an idjeet, but I'm fascinated that something sooo black could be sooo sparkly
2. And I got a pair of high top Coach sneakers that I could not resist.  The look like Chucks (which I also love) and they are all black but they fold over to a leopard print (real genuine illegal leopard - sorry, the Artist used to say this to me all the time)
3. I got the Coach Chucks when I was looking for a pair of black pumps.  Which I realized that I didn't have when I was cleaning out my closet.  I got a fairly standard pair from MaxStudio with a rounded toe, but they have really great toe cleavage.  
4. And I got a dress, hammered silk off the shoulder BCBG.  But I'm not sure if its for me or for my goddaughter (MonkeyGirl.)  She has a formal event coming up next month and I saw the dress and kind of thought of her, even though I already gave her a dress.  But I was also thinking of me a little, since we wear the same size.  Can I just take a moment to say that I'm really kind of pissed and proud of that!?!  I mean what the fuck the kid used to fit on my lap, her whole freaking body used to fit on my lap!  And now the kid can borrow my clothes AND shoes! So anyway, the dress came (I got it from my favorite BCBG seller on ebay) and welll, I tried it on.  I really have no where to wear it, but it looks great, and I'm kind of hoping that she won't like it.  that is a really fucked up thought
5. I also got some lingerie from Victoria's Secret, they're having a clearance sale.  I haven't worn any of it yet though

• Speaking of the Artist, he is the worst joke teller ever!  But he always manages to make you laugh, just not at the joke he's telling.  So, he calls me up and is like "Hey Troubsy, what do you call cheese, that's not your cheese?" and he's cracking up while he's asking me.  I can hear Hautechick in the background saying, "Nooooo Artsy!" and I'm like, "I don't know Artso (*ahahahaha I dont know Artso! that rhymes) stolen cheese?"  And he's all, "Nnooooooooooo! (giggle giggle guffaw guffaw) Nacho cheese!" and then falls into a fit of hysterics.  Hautechick picks up the phone and says "He told that sooo wrong!  He was supposed to say, what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you!  He's soo silly."  (she said it in that gushy "aww I love him" kind of way)
• This post is just a lame attempt by me to put off doing my hair as long as possible.  Thank you for playing along!  If you don't hear from me in awhile, no, I'm not being my usual flaking self.  I'm probably just tangled up in my hair.  Wish me luck, maybe I'll take a picture when I'm done

Vice

• today I did post on sex, violence, and politics.  i guess you could say I'm feeling horny, angry, and argumentative.  you could say it, but you might get cut.
• Did anyone hear about the fatal crane collapse that happened last weekend in NYC?  I mean besides the people that live in the metro area.  It is sometimes an amazing thing to watch those cranes put up skyscrapers, especially in NYC where space is always at a premium.  But it is also terrifying.  They are these amazingly tall structures that look so delicate.  My heart goes out to the families of the 7 people that lost their lives...
• sheesh and I dark and moody today or what?!  I think its the rain, cause it couldn't be that whole no job to go to thing.  Good thing a bitch is still getting paid.  A check for doing nothing will lift your spirits like nothing else will!
• there was an FDNY ambulance and a police car in front of my house today for awhile.  I saw them helping a woman into the ambulance and then the cops talked to her for a while.  am I smart or paranoid to want to go outside and take pictures of the sidewalk around my house just in case?
• I really dont think that really high class call girls would advertise their services on websites where any dick tom and harry who had a good night at the craps table and little sense can acquire their services.  I'm just saying
• I think that it is toooooo huge a coincidence that our guvnuh is forced to step down for a sex scandal right before the ever problematic NY State budget is due.
• I remember what it was like to be 22.  to think that being with your friends and partying was the most important things in the world.  i also recall that I didn't really date 22 years olds even when I was 22.  Back then I was a lolita instead of a baby cougar...
• when I was 19, I decided to leave the college that I was going to in CT in order to take a full time job back home in NYC.  So when I was in my early 20's I had already been working for awhile, had my own little bit of money, and was cocky as shit.  I also used to smoke and met a number of men when they asked me if I was too young to be smoking.  I dated alot of 30 year olds during that point in my life.  A LOT and I'm pretty sure that there was a 40 year old in there somewhere briefly
• before I left that school in CT, I managed to make my way through a crew of guys.  I don't think that most of them even knew that I had dealt with the others despite the fact that there weren't too many people of color on campus.  I actually didn't sleep with all of them, but I was courted, coddled or spoiled by each and every one of them.
• People tell me that I look innocent, and I used to take great advantage of that.  I think thats a major reason why I was able to get away with pulling that last stunt pretty much unscathed.  The scathed part was that I didn't figure out that the dude that was acting like my brother, was the one that was the most interested in me.  Of course he was the one I was least interested in and he started talking shit about me.  It only took about two sentences for people to figure out that he was just jealous of the dude I was seeing (not one of the crew.)  Note to guys: never finish slamming a girl by saying, "You should have been with me!"  
• The other scathed part was the fight I almost had with this chick over the one dude in the crew that could have been considered my man, sort of.  He was sleeping with her too, which was cool because while I didn't want to know who, he did tell me that he was seeing someone else on campus.  She unfortunately wasn't as realistic with the situation as I was.  She was also older than me and to say marriage minded would be an understatement.  Anyway, one night at a semi formal party, she and a friend walked up on me while I was dancing with another guy (part of the advantage of being a tom boy and a seductress is that people never know if the dude is a friend or a luvah - this one was currently a friend but was a past luvah) he was a (something I can't say cause it will give away more than I want) but saw the set up and warned me.  She managed to get a swing in, but then again so did I.  Let's just say, I was a little more accurate.  I lost a $5 necklace and had a scratch on my neck, she had some bruising.
• Got damned confused as fuck seagulls!  Cawing out my window like I give a fuck.  Bitch this is CENTRAL Brooklyn, take your ass back to the sea and leave me alone damn it.  Fucking bird goes off, wakes up Duke, then he starts barking cause he don't know what the fuck that is. It's happened twice this afternoon. Sheeet....

black is the new president bitch...

sorry for the commercial, bitch asses got me for that one.  it'd be my fucking luck that it will play that fucking Beyawnce commercial.  fucking free advertisement bullshit.  but I used hulu rather than utube, cause it allows you to edit clip that you would like to embed.  It's open to the public and even has movie classics like "Dude Where's My Car"  

Here's Tracy Morgan on Barack Obama and Hilarity Clinton.  tee fucking hee!

Some Shit

No, no more poop tales.

• from time to time, Hautechick and I will end up in hysterical laughter when talking to one another on the phone.  Most recently, she said something about how I always got along with the Artist and that I need to find her a brother in law that she gets along with too.  That lead me to saying that, no, actually I didn't always get along with the Artist, he used to get on my last nerve.  It was Hautechicks fault, she used to tell him all of these embarrassing stories about me, usually things that I did as a child, and he would tease me.   I hated it.  So Hautechick asked me what happened that got him to stop teasing me.  And for a second I couldn't remember.  Then it hit me, it was the time I was hanging out with the two of them (Hautechick, Mommy, and I all still lived together then) and we were inebriated, to say the least, and the Artist went upstairs to use the bathroom and passed out.  He hit the floor so hard that we heard it downstairs.  My mom ended up calling Hautey to come check on him and she found him on the floor with his pants (and underwear) around his ankles.  Just typing about it makes me incredibly giggly.  
• So I think it was yesterday that I got this email announcing $8 fares on a certain airline.  Then today on the news I hear that same airline has been under investigation by the FAA for flying planes that have not been inspected.  
• My god daughter, Monkey Girl, had another recital tonight.  I love that child but can I just say shit, damn, motherfucking 3 hour program, including a got damned dance piece that I saw last time, a whole bunch of teachers on stage so called modeling, and Monkey Girl was only in the last 5 minutes of the damned thing!  I swear...
• Speaking of the recital, I heard about it from Monkey Girl's step family, Step Grandma called me and asked me to get her a leotard and for my help in finding a dress for a formal event coming up in April.  But thats not the point.  The point is, I walk in start looking around for familiar faces and who should wave and quietly call my name, SuperSlag.  Don't choke someone out one time and they think yall cool again.  Buuuut, she had the baby with her and oh does she know how I am a sucker for baby girls.  Actually, its the clothes shopping that I love.  I swear Monkey Girl was dressed to the nines when she was a wee one, and the new one reminds me alot of her.  She's so tiny.  So I sat, behind not next to her, I still don't trust her with my back.  Her and WackThug (baby daddy) actually drove me home.  
• Cousin T's Mom is in the hospital, I'm gonna send her some flowers tomorrow.  She's in my thoughts...
• I had a discussion with Mommy about me moving out of state.  But that lasted just until she told me that I couldn't take Duke with me.  Any time something needs to be cleaned because of him, he's my dog, which is 98% of the time.  Of course he would become her dog on this issue.
• This is kinda wussy but, I can't leave Duke.  He's getting old, I dont know how much time I have left with him, and I'd really be mad at myself if I missed out on it
• My mom has one of those KitchenAid Stand Mixers (how gorgeous is this dark purple one?) my dad brought it for her as a gift.  That means its really old (if you haven't been following along, my dad died when I was 8) and kind of precious to her.  That mixer has made plenty of delectable treats so I've always loved it, but I've also always shied away from using it.  That has soooo changed.  One of my favorite things to make is pizza with homemade dough.  That mixer cut my prep time down by so much and made everything sooo easy.  I've fallen in love with it.  I usually only make pizza about 4 times a year, cause the dough is such a bitch to make.  I made it twice in the last two weeks.  The one with wine soaked mushrooms was reallllly gewd.
• Someone set off a small explosive at the Military Recruiting Station in Times Square early this morning.  Its the third incident in which a man on a bike has set off a small explosive device in the early hours of the morning in NYC  since 1998 (I think it was 98)  No one was hurt.
• I made a bouquet of balloon tulips for Monkey Girl...

Idiot Box

Here's a list of random, sometimes crappy stuff that I watch on tv regularly. Now take into consideration that I have never in my life had cable, and The Muppet Show is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Just a twinge above Sesame Street, I got a real thing for Big Bird...

• Bones - for some reason I love this show. If you've never seen it, it comes on fox, but you can watch it online at fox.com or at hulu.com (more on hulu later) Its about a ferensic anthropologist who works with an FBI agent (Angel, you know David what's his name from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which by the by you can also watch on hulu) to solve murders. Its kinda grim but theres some humor and I like all of the characters. And its based on the life of Kathy Reichs. The anthropologist on the show - Temperance Brennan (can't remember the chicks real name and dont feel like looking it up) is insanely smart, a social misfit, and kicks ass from time to time
• Extreme Makeover Home Edition - I really can't put my finger on why, but I really like this show. Maybe because I love real estate, or I think the idea is a noble one, but in any case it usually makes me cry or at least sniffle. The show actually got sued a while back. Because of the rehabilitation of the properties, the owners property taxes went up and they wanted the show to cover the increase.
• I didn't watch it, but Mommy and Other Mother both watched A Raisin in the Sun and thought that Puffy must have paid someone to get that part. I don't know, maybe he financed the production. But speaking of plays, Mommy (if I'm not mistaken) is currently at the matinee preview performance of Cat on A Hot Tin Roof with James Earl Jones, Phylicia Rashad, Terrance Howard and Anika Noni Rose (you know the other woman in the Dreamgirls remake - which I never bothered to see)
• The Pussycat Dolls Presents Girlicious - its soooo very vapid and terrible, that its enjoyable. I think there are only about 2 or 3 girls on the show that can actually sing, but then again I always thought the same thing about the Pussycat Dolls.  I'm not even going to lie and act like I didn't watch the one the had one last season too.  Very fucked up what they did to Asia after she won...
• Girlfriends - although it hasn't been the same since the departure of Toni, its been pretty good lately. I was, however highly dissapointed with the last episode I saw in which Joan goes to visit her fiancee's public school. What a deragatory picture of a inner city school they painted! My cousin (Cousin T) has taught at one of the lowest performing schools in NYC, and while shit went down, it was never like that bullshit. Maybe I'm overreacting and shit is really that terrible out in CA. PB, did you see that episode?
• A-Team, Fantasy Island and Air Hawk on hulu.com. Its a really great site that lets you watch episodes and clips from multiple networks as well as some shows that are no longer on the air like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You have to be invited to be a member or do like I did and sign up to be a beta tester at hulu.com. Bravo kinda squelched on the deal cause they took their content off of Itunes and claimed they were going to put it on hulu but all they have on their is clips last time I looked, no full episodes. In the clips of Project Runway, they don't even show you what the finished designs look like.
• CSI - the original one. Actually haven't caught too many this season, but last season with the miniature killer was kick ass. Loved that it turned out to be a woman. NY and Miami versions are alright too, but they really don't compare to the original.
• Law & Order SVU - I used to love the original but I guess Jerry Orbach was holding the whole thing together cause after his death, I really didn't enjoy it anymore. I watch the reruns whenever I'm at my sisters house (she has cable.) I used to like Homicide: Life On the Street when Munch was on it and I like him on SVU. Plus everyone else, specially Olivia and Elliot. And the new guy is fun to look at
• World News Tonight with Charles Gibson - mainly cause he calls himself Charlie.  I find the news depressing most of the time and think alot of news anchors are phony.  Overly sad on the bad stories and frighteningly cheery on the good ones.  Charlie Gibson seems genuine to me, I appreciate his delivery and never feel like he is forcing his opinion (or someone else's) down my throat.  I tend to like the news team on ABC the best out of all the local networks, especially when they put Marvell Scott in a tight fitting t-shirt (and he's a MD!)