Miss Fuckin Manners

I remember fondly the parties that my mom and dad used to throw. The house would be full with people from late afternoon sometimes til the next morning. Music would be playing, only to be interrupted by the occasional impromptu live performances or announcement. All manner of beautiful, happy, well fed folk roaming the halls. Table groanin under the weight of the food and any kinda drink you can think of on hand (although my family has always been partial to rum.) Everyone came with something in hand and no one left hungry. And I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to be older so I could throw my own parties.

But my generation doesn't seem to have the same concept of hospitality as my parents. Lately I've been coming across some real half assed invitations and I'm sure you have too. Not sure what I'm talkinbout? Ok, let me break it down for you.

(1) Your homeboy/girl/peoples invite you to a Seafood party, but everyone is supposed to bring what they want to eat i.e. the seafood - not that I'm not above stinking up someone elses house when I make my crab legs, but is this really a party or a cheap way to get some fish in your house?

(2) Your friend says she's throwin a bbq, but the night before she asks if you could bring some ground beef and chicken legs? Oh and by the way she doesn't have any music so could you also ask your ex whose a dj to bring his set up? Oh and would you mind making pina coladas? - This bothers me because if I wanted to throw a bbq I would have, and if you had asked me if I wanted to throw a bbq with you I would have said no. But I end up being the bad guy when I curse someone out for saying some dumb shit to me like, "I wanted another pina colada, aren't you going to make some more?" Because it is a very short step from me being obliging to me kicking you in the throat.

(3) Your cousin invites you to a restaurant for her birthday, invites all of her peoples, orders all kinds of crazy shit including overpriced bottles of champagne, and then expects you to split the bill with her sisters while her man and them don't pay for shit, AND the dumb bitch has the nerve to mention a gift. This on especially pisses me off because a couple of years back I rented a 2 bedroom suite in the city for my birthday so that my girls and I could get blasted and not have to worry about parking, driving back to Brooklyn, etc. I invited 4 women besides Mommy and Haute (who didn't even come!) and only one of them thought to ask me if I wanted her to chip in for the room. AND of the other three only one brought something with her (a bottle of my favorite champers! Veuve Clicquot, so she was forgiven). (And one asshat, who I stopped associating with shortly after, thought that letting me wear her mink coat would be a gift! Like I want to wear someone elses coat and like I didn't just buy myself a full length shearling for my birthday. Shit I wasn't even expecting gifts, but that took the Lame Prize.)

But there are some piss poor hostesses out there too. I can't tell you how many times I brought a bottle of something with me and the bottle disappears with out a word of thanks. The first time I met my boy Bubba's fiancee, it was at his New Years Eve party. Being the proper bitch that I am, I brought a bottle of Clicquot with me. Bubba takes if from me to put it in the freezer, in front of Jealous Bitch, and half an hour later I find her and her douchebag friend getting plastered off my bottle! Talkinbout "Oh this was yours?" Thank gawd Bubba's boy George was there, cause he knew I was about to go off, so he handed me something to calm my nerves and went out and got me another bottle. (Everytime I see this dumb chit, she says "Oh, its nice to meet you" and I say "Yeah, just like the last time we met." And I hope you know I'm going try and show her up at her wedding - big fuckin mistake on her part letting Bubba know that your jealous of me cause he told me all about it. But I don't see why you would be since, I'M NOT FUCKIN HIM - and I never have)

Then there was the fight party that I went to with a bottle of Patron as my date(personally I prefer Don Julio Anejo Reposado). The hostess's sister takes the bottle out of my hand and proceeds to put it in a cabinet, while I'm still standing there. Then she asks me what I want to drink. The tequila that you just put the fuck away without even saying thank you like this is your got damned house, bitch. With ice, thanks. It wasn't as if someone even asked me to bring a bottle, I just did because thats what I wanted to drink and I know it's expensive.

But that's how I was raised. You got to someone's house, you bring something with you. You invite people over, and you have food and drink for them (and your fucking house is clean!) You invite people out and you expect to foot the bill. And another thing, if someone tells me that I have to wear white to their bbq that's being held in their dusty/muddy/grassy no chair havin assed backyard/frontyard/stoop/neighborhood park, so I can ruin my $160 white J Brand jeans for the sake of a dried out patty that I'm not even sure is actually meat, somebodies gettin cut.