The King of Crap

I dated this guy, the King of Crap, for awhile back when I wasn't as fly or as picky as I am now. We stopped seeing each other and didn't speak and then he decides that we might be better friends. Ok, fine with me. But he would come over to see me and do shit like:

• Bring food to my house so that he can eat and not bring me anything
• Come to my house straight from work, smelling like all kinds of wrong
• Tell friends that we had in common that we were still sleeping together

So I stopped dealing with him on any level.

But we had friends in common, so from time to time I would see him at a BBQ or a party or a fashion show (more on that later). About a year ago he starts cock blocking - hard. "I know old dude isn't going to disrespect me by kicking it to my wife right in front of me" "That's alright she'll be home before the kids have to wake up to go to school" (At that point I turned around and told him he didn't need to worry about the kids, they weren't his anyway - hell if he wants to play games, I am the game master) He once even introduced me to his older sister as his "fiance" - we both gave him the "Negro please" look.

So time goes on, I get horny and I see him on a bus ride to Atlantic City. Now despite all the crap I have to say the Vitamin D was always potent. But then he starts up with all of this, "Don't you think it's time you settled down" "No, I'm really serious about making this work" And all I can think is, Shit, there I go letting my libido get me in trouble again. But then I think, eh, its ok, cause I know he's still screwing around. So one Sunday he's at the house with me, while his dog is stuck at his place uptown peeing on his floor (poor Diamond, I actually really miss that dog) and Mother of Snark calls me upstairs to her apartment. "Listen, I cooked, do you want King of Crap to eat with us?" And I'm like "Nah, if you eat with us, he's gonna make a big deal out of it and think I'm really serious about him." And Mother is like, "Good point, why don't yall eat in the dining room and I'll stay upstairs in my room"

But guess what, he makes a big deal of it anyway. "Oh I can't believe your Mom cooked for me." "Actually she cooked for me, but she didn't want to be rude so she offered you a plate." - you would have thought I was speaking Klingon cause he didn't seem to hear a word I said. About a week later he stood me up, so I gave him a sound verbal thrashing (aka I cursed his black ass out) and told him to dig a hole. Why is it that some men think that if they just give you long enough, you will forget what you were mad at? Let me let you in on a little secret Bobo the Fool, do not, I repeat DO NOT give me time to think about shit cause I will come up with 101 more reason why your an asshole and I shouldn't trust you.

So he manages to get me on the phone and the reason that he stood me up? Well it seems that his afterwork drink turned into an afterwork guzzle and he wrecked his car on his way home. And apparently I'm a cold hearted bitch because I didn't accept this explanation. Um, excuse me, yes you did say that you had to do something with your co-workers before you came to get me. You did not however mention that it would involve heavy drinking. And who in the hell told you to drink that much anyway asshat? I have no sympathy for stupidity. Not to mention that the receptionist from your job calls you a little more than would be deemed kosher. (And did you really think it was smart to accept her calls while we were together?)

So I start seeing Brownie again (I have a terminal case of Ex-Reflux) and not even 24 hours later, here comes the King of Crap leaving me messages - cause I think I told yall I'm fond of setting fools ringers to silent. "I didn't mean to break your heart" - WHAT THE FUCK!! "What we had was really special" - special in that I didn't kill your ass, but keep talking fuckhead and that might change. "I was really trying to break up with her before I started seeing you but she didn't want to let me go" - now a bitch is well and truly angry. But the cherry on this big stinking pile of shit that was my relationship with the King of Crap is his latest message, received on Tuesday morning, "Hey Baby, It's D. I need to ask you a favor. Love you"

Is he kidding me?