Almighty Dollar

I think I've mentioned that I'm an executive assistant. And while I love my job, and like most of the people that I work with, I must admit that sometimes I do some crazy shit. Like now for instance, I'm sitting here with a map of Arthur Ashe stadium, trying to find tickets for the Men's Semifinals at the US Open. Not so strange you say? Well maybe if you consider that I end up doing this every year for him, and that he always waits til the last minute and he has an Am Ex so he gets access to presales. But the worse part is, I'll search through all the ticket brokers for "as close to center and the court as possible" and when I tell him the prices he always whistles and says something like, "Are they fuckin nuts?!" (I was slightly off this year, he came back with "For each ticket?!?")

Oh, and today I got a call from one of his business partners in Europe, he's calling to tell me that he still hasn't gotten the Fed Ex package that he asked me to send. He's a little angry, kinda impatient with me, and you know why? Cause his fucking toothpaste hasn't arrived yet. Yes that's right, he asked me to send him toothpaste, cause last time he was here he tried this one brand and they don't have it where he lives. "Shouldn't it only take two days?" Should you buy your own fucking toothpaste! And this is the same dude that I had to find a pure breed Brussels Griffon puppy that was ready to ship overseas and wasn't too far from the tri-state area for (that I actually enjoyed! and he sent me some gorgeous flowers to say thank you)

Then there is arranging the helicopter ride to his summer house. He always waits til the last minute, even when I ask him first thing Friday morning if he wants me to call the charter companies, he says, "later.." then gets mad when he can't find a seat and has to drive. Not that HE actually does the drivers, he's got 2 guys on call for that. And he always gets pissed at the price and tells me shit like, "Tell them I'll pay $3000, and not a penny more!" You can imagine how many people laugh when I repeat this. His classic response when they say no? "Well fuck them!" Not that I don't admire his pluckiness, but it loses a little heat when I know that he's gonna make me go through the same thing next week.

And the constant calls that I get from his friends and family asking for hotel hook ups. People kill me with this one, and he actually lets me be pretty snarky with it. They always think that they will be able to get a 2 bedroom suite in a 4 or 5 star hotel for $100 a night. And when I tell them that the discounted price is more like $700 they say shit like, "Well, I'm going to speak to BossMan. Are you sure that's the best he can do?" Well considering the room can go for up to 2300 bucks I'd say that was a pretty big discount. And also I'm the designated messenger for bad news. I'm pretty much a jerk about that cause I'll usually start off by saying something like, "You're not gonna like this, and it's not my fault, but soandso wanted me to tell you (fill in fucked up shit here) but he was scared you'd get pissed..."