The Best of Sesame Street
Me and my Llama
Me and my Llama
Goin to the Dentist today!
Me and my Llama
Me and my Llama
No one's gonna stand in our way!
Cause me and my Llama
Are goin to the Dentist today!
anyone else remember that? again something that needs to be on YouTube!
8.31.2007
Almighty Dollar
I think I've mentioned that I'm an executive assistant. And while I love my job, and like most of the people that I work with, I must admit that sometimes I do some crazy shit. Like now for instance, I'm sitting here with a map of Arthur Ashe stadium, trying to find tickets for the Men's Semifinals at the US Open. Not so strange you say? Well maybe if you consider that I end up doing this every year for him, and that he always waits til the last minute and he has an Am Ex so he gets access to presales. But the worse part is, I'll search through all the ticket brokers for "as close to center and the court as possible" and when I tell him the prices he always whistles and says something like, "Are they fuckin nuts?!" (I was slightly off this year, he came back with "For each ticket?!?")
Oh, and today I got a call from one of his business partners in Europe, he's calling to tell me that he still hasn't gotten the Fed Ex package that he asked me to send. He's a little angry, kinda impatient with me, and you know why? Cause his fucking toothpaste hasn't arrived yet. Yes that's right, he asked me to send him toothpaste, cause last time he was here he tried this one brand and they don't have it where he lives. "Shouldn't it only take two days?" Should you buy your own fucking toothpaste! And this is the same dude that I had to find a pure breed Brussels Griffon puppy that was ready to ship overseas and wasn't too far from the tri-state area for (that I actually enjoyed! and he sent me some gorgeous flowers to say thank you)
Then there is arranging the helicopter ride to his summer house. He always waits til the last minute, even when I ask him first thing Friday morning if he wants me to call the charter companies, he says, "later.." then gets mad when he can't find a seat and has to drive. Not that HE actually does the drivers, he's got 2 guys on call for that. And he always gets pissed at the price and tells me shit like, "Tell them I'll pay $3000, and not a penny more!" You can imagine how many people laugh when I repeat this. His classic response when they say no? "Well fuck them!" Not that I don't admire his pluckiness, but it loses a little heat when I know that he's gonna make me go through the same thing next week.
And the constant calls that I get from his friends and family asking for hotel hook ups. People kill me with this one, and he actually lets me be pretty snarky with it. They always think that they will be able to get a 2 bedroom suite in a 4 or 5 star hotel for $100 a night. And when I tell them that the discounted price is more like $700 they say shit like, "Well, I'm going to speak to BossMan. Are you sure that's the best he can do?" Well considering the room can go for up to 2300 bucks I'd say that was a pretty big discount. And also I'm the designated messenger for bad news. I'm pretty much a jerk about that cause I'll usually start off by saying something like, "You're not gonna like this, and it's not my fault, but soandso wanted me to tell you (fill in fucked up shit here) but he was scared you'd get pissed..."
I think I've mentioned that I'm an executive assistant. And while I love my job, and like most of the people that I work with, I must admit that sometimes I do some crazy shit. Like now for instance, I'm sitting here with a map of Arthur Ashe stadium, trying to find tickets for the Men's Semifinals at the US Open. Not so strange you say? Well maybe if you consider that I end up doing this every year for him, and that he always waits til the last minute and he has an Am Ex so he gets access to presales. But the worse part is, I'll search through all the ticket brokers for "as close to center and the court as possible" and when I tell him the prices he always whistles and says something like, "Are they fuckin nuts?!" (I was slightly off this year, he came back with "For each ticket?!?")
Oh, and today I got a call from one of his business partners in Europe, he's calling to tell me that he still hasn't gotten the Fed Ex package that he asked me to send. He's a little angry, kinda impatient with me, and you know why? Cause his fucking toothpaste hasn't arrived yet. Yes that's right, he asked me to send him toothpaste, cause last time he was here he tried this one brand and they don't have it where he lives. "Shouldn't it only take two days?" Should you buy your own fucking toothpaste! And this is the same dude that I had to find a pure breed Brussels Griffon puppy that was ready to ship overseas and wasn't too far from the tri-state area for (that I actually enjoyed! and he sent me some gorgeous flowers to say thank you)
Then there is arranging the helicopter ride to his summer house. He always waits til the last minute, even when I ask him first thing Friday morning if he wants me to call the charter companies, he says, "later.." then gets mad when he can't find a seat and has to drive. Not that HE actually does the drivers, he's got 2 guys on call for that. And he always gets pissed at the price and tells me shit like, "Tell them I'll pay $3000, and not a penny more!" You can imagine how many people laugh when I repeat this. His classic response when they say no? "Well fuck them!" Not that I don't admire his pluckiness, but it loses a little heat when I know that he's gonna make me go through the same thing next week.
And the constant calls that I get from his friends and family asking for hotel hook ups. People kill me with this one, and he actually lets me be pretty snarky with it. They always think that they will be able to get a 2 bedroom suite in a 4 or 5 star hotel for $100 a night. And when I tell them that the discounted price is more like $700 they say shit like, "Well, I'm going to speak to BossMan. Are you sure that's the best he can do?" Well considering the room can go for up to 2300 bucks I'd say that was a pretty big discount. And also I'm the designated messenger for bad news. I'm pretty much a jerk about that cause I'll usually start off by saying something like, "You're not gonna like this, and it's not my fault, but soandso wanted me to tell you (fill in fucked up shit here) but he was scared you'd get pissed..."
I Sooo Need These In My Life...
Stop Talking Cards
Every once in a while we all encounter somebody who is continuously talking, non-stop, all the time. And it's painful. At a party, during a meeting, in the tube, the potential occasions are plentiful…
How do you tell the person to shut up?
Well, our parents always told us to be polite and friendly, so what to do? Easy, take one of Allison Riley's immaculate 'Stop Talking' cards and slip the person in question a little hint…
The cards are as elegant as one can imagine: The size of a standard business card, using beautiful post consumer stock that feels soft and heavy on the touch and immaculate letterpress work in an elegant and almost restrained typeface, they could never really insult anybody. 25 of them come in an understated black box and leave a lasting impression. The look on the recipients face is priceless.
Stop Talking Cards
The Couple...
The Couple That Plays Together...
In March, my work hours officially changed from 9:30am - 7 pm to 10:30 am - 8 pm. (Now by officially I mean my boss asked me why I was always late and I something along the lines of why am I always here til almost 8. We fuss at each other but I think my boss is great. Its a very give and take relationship. He gives me access to all the information he receives and always takes time to answer my questions, even if I'm just being curious. And in turn I provide him with hours upon hours of comic relief by tripping, stuttering, messing with telemarketers (he hates telemarketers), giggling for no apparent reason and most importantly ignoring him when he starts yelling like a loon. And by 8, I mean 8:15 or later cause as soon as I say, "Do you need anything before I go?" he thinks of something that I absolutely must do before I go home or the world will end.) But before my hours changed I used to see this nice looking black man on the train all the time. He'd get on the train a couple of stops after me and transfered when I did, so he would be on the train with me for just about my entire commute. At first, Dude would give me the "Hey Respectable Black Person" nod (not to be confused with the "What Up My Niggro" nod), but at some point it changed into the "Hey you sexy caramel thang" grin. Dude was alright in the face and kinda on the short side, but his style was definitely on point. So while I wasn't jumpin on him, I would give him the patented Leggs Diamond "Thank you, Ain't I A Bad Bitch?" smirk. This went on for months, then one day he gets on the train with a woman. I'm not jealous, in fact I thought that they made a really nice looking couple (ya know how some people are just alright by themselves, but put them with their significant other and all of a sudden it's like they just glow? Something about being in love (or lust) just makes them sooo much more...) But then he whispers something in her ear and she turns around to look at me and then smiles. Now sometimes I'm a little slow, so my first thought was that he told her that I flirt with him and she's giving me the "Yeah he's cute, thanks for the compliment, but he's mine" smile. But there was a little heat to it. Confused, I just flashed some teeth and went back to reading my book. A couple of weeks go by and I continue to see them on the train. Quite often they would sit across from me and not quite stare (I'd look up and they'd be in the process of looking away.) So now I'm getting kinda paranoid, is something hanging out of my nose, did I miss a button, fart and not realize it cause my headphones are on? A sniff, quick wipe and a peek down prove it's none of those things, so I go back to my book. Then one day, Dudette gets on the train by herself and since there is an empty seat next to me she settles in. Now by settle in, I mean this bitch practically cuddles up to me. I slide over to give her some room, and she slides over too. I look at her and she smiles at me! Huh? The next time I see them both, something similar occurs except this time Dude is sitting in between me and Dudette. She's cuddling into him and he's moving over and cuddling into me. And that's when I figured out, THEY'RE FREAKS! Not that freaks are bad, but if I'm getting turned out it's gonna be by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (or some other equally hot couple.) And I don't know what to do, so I try and ignore it. Then my hours changed and I stopped seeing them. That is until last week, when I saw them on my way home. They sat across from me and grinned at me, whispering. And why the fuck did I blush like a virgin?!
Well if I was a little lighter I might have blushed, as it is my face just got really really hot!
Well if I was a little lighter I might have blushed, as it is my face just got really really hot!
8.30.2007
Fun With Telemarketers
So when the crappy receptionist goes to lunch or out on a break or for a 40 minute crap, or takes her mother to the doctor on Friday afternoon (can you say bullshit?) I cover the phones And today I was feelin a little crabby and silly after Danae and Jane tried to tell me that Landy Bloom is gay, so I had a little fun with telemarketers...
Troubler: Good Afternoon, TroublersJob! How may I help you?(I give great phone!)
Telemarketer1: Hello Sweetie, How's it goin? Is BossMan in?
Troubler: May I ask who's calling?
Telemarketer1: No! Ha Ha, just kidding darling (like I haven't heard that lame-o joke before) tell him its rich from PushyBrokers NYC.
Troubler: I'm sorry he doesn't take calls from PushyBrokers NYC
Telemarketer1: What!? Are you kidding? I'm sure he would want to speak to me, I have an amazing de-
Troubler: Oh I assure you I'm quite serious. As to why, well, quite frankly your company is extremely annoying. Have a nice day!
*Click
Troubler: Good Afternoon, TroublersJob! How may I help you?
Telemarketer2: Good Afternoon, may I speak to ak;lji;d,n s,kerjoiwnf (totally mangles BossMan's name even though all you have to do is sound it out!)
Troubler: No you may not. Have a nice day!
*Click
So when the crappy receptionist goes to lunch or out on a break or for a 40 minute crap, or takes her mother to the doctor on Friday afternoon (can you say bullshit?) I cover the phones And today I was feelin a little crabby and silly after Danae and Jane tried to tell me that Landy Bloom is gay, so I had a little fun with telemarketers...
Troubler: Good Afternoon, TroublersJob! How may I help you?(I give great phone!)
Telemarketer1: Hello Sweetie, How's it goin? Is BossMan in?
Troubler: May I ask who's calling?
Telemarketer1: No! Ha Ha, just kidding darling (like I haven't heard that lame-o joke before) tell him its rich from PushyBrokers NYC.
Troubler: I'm sorry he doesn't take calls from PushyBrokers NYC
Telemarketer1: What!? Are you kidding? I'm sure he would want to speak to me, I have an amazing de-
Troubler: Oh I assure you I'm quite serious. As to why, well, quite frankly your company is extremely annoying. Have a nice day!
*Click
Troubler: Good Afternoon, TroublersJob! How may I help you?
Telemarketer2: Good Afternoon, may I speak to ak;lji;d,n s,kerjoiwnf (totally mangles BossMan's name even though all you have to do is sound it out!)
Troubler: No you may not. Have a nice day!
*Click
Does That Make Me Crazy?
So I'm Im-ing Hautechick and she sends me a message that says "buy this for my baby" with this link
http://www.thisnext.com/item/6FFA6602/Silver-Cross-Balmoral-Pram
and I find this
So I'm Im-ing Hautechick and she sends me a message that says "buy this for my baby" with this link
http://www.thisnext.com/item/6FFA6602/Silver-Cross-Balmoral-Pram
and I find this
Cute right? But there are a couple of problems.
1. This got damned pram cost $3000!
2. My sister ain't got no kids! (she ain't even preggo)
Hautechick: um, baby loves luxury!
Trouble: yeah well baby is gonna have to learn how to be more practical, or at least be born
1. This got damned pram cost $3000!
2. My sister ain't got no kids! (she ain't even preggo)
Hautechick: um, baby loves luxury!
Trouble: yeah well baby is gonna have to learn how to be more practical, or at least be born
8.29.2007
What's In A Name
I've got about a million and one nicknames. I choose Trouble for this blog (1) cause my Daddy gave me that nickname (2) its one of my favorites cause my Daddy gave it to me (3) it seemed appropriate for the site and (4) Did I mention my Daddy gave me that name when I was knee high to a grasshopper?
But like I said I've got a million others. Here are a couple of them that I've used throughout the years
Tiki-tot (My Mommy gave me that one), Lil Bit, Teeny (did I mention I'm svelte?), Spider (and long limbed? I also share this one with Haute, she uses it more), Tigger (in high school by my teamates), Star (for a minute in college when I played Volleyball), T, Might-T, Slim Goody (Hey Seattle Slim! just part of the reason I luv ya, we share part of a nickname!), Leggs Diamond (she's a bad bitch and a good lay), Stinky, Squeaky, Dr. Doolittle, Animal Whisperer, Whizzer (I pee alot), The Magician (in all sorts of places...its bad to hold it), That Bitch, Meema, Meemsy...
And if your nice to me, I might explain some of them...
I've got about a million and one nicknames. I choose Trouble for this blog (1) cause my Daddy gave me that nickname (2) its one of my favorites cause my Daddy gave it to me (3) it seemed appropriate for the site and (4) Did I mention my Daddy gave me that name when I was knee high to a grasshopper?
But like I said I've got a million others. Here are a couple of them that I've used throughout the years
Tiki-tot (My Mommy gave me that one), Lil Bit, Teeny (did I mention I'm svelte?), Spider (and long limbed? I also share this one with Haute, she uses it more), Tigger (in high school by my teamates), Star (for a minute in college when I played Volleyball), T, Might-T, Slim Goody (Hey Seattle Slim! just part of the reason I luv ya, we share part of a nickname!), Leggs Diamond (she's a bad bitch and a good lay), Stinky, Squeaky, Dr. Doolittle, Animal Whisperer, Whizzer (I pee alot), The Magician (in all sorts of places...its bad to hold it), That Bitch, Meema, Meemsy...
And if your nice to me, I might explain some of them...
Random Thoughts and Observations
I love oatmeal, it makes me all warm and gooey inside...
What the hell is up with all the fat men in workout gear? You are fooling no one. Riding the escalator seemed to tire you out, and all you had to do is stand there and occasionally suck in the gut when someone tried to get past you. I'll admit I was fascinated by your camel toe, but then again I'm a bit of a freak. But it is quite obvious that you probably wouldn't know a jump rope from a cow. Or maybe you would since you can eat cows...
Ok, ok, I'll admit it. West Indian men wear corduroy in the summer almost as much as Asian women wear velvet. Isn't that shit hot? Not to mention the noise that corduroy makes when you walk is annoying as hell.
The Abercrombie boys have been sucking lately, I think all the good ones went back to college...
GQ rocks! Man candy, funny articles, its the only magazine that I actually read the whole thing. Barack Obama is on the cover this month (There is a great tshirt on tshirt hell that has a picture of Barack and Hillary and it says, wait for it, wait for it......Bros Before Hoes) And just to refresh your memory, GQ Rocks!
So one of the guys that I work with quit a couple of months ago to move back to the west coast. He was one of my favorites, I mean how could you not love a man that brings your favorite candy and send you hilarious Richard Simmons clips? And I realized about a month after his replacement started that I was being kinda mean to the new guy cause I missed my buddy. So this past month I've made a conscious effort to be nice to the new guy and you know what I found out? The new guy is a boring pansy assed punk! I miss you K!
The wang embargo must end before I do someone stoopid...
TTFN - ta ta for now
I love oatmeal, it makes me all warm and gooey inside...
What the hell is up with all the fat men in workout gear? You are fooling no one. Riding the escalator seemed to tire you out, and all you had to do is stand there and occasionally suck in the gut when someone tried to get past you. I'll admit I was fascinated by your camel toe, but then again I'm a bit of a freak. But it is quite obvious that you probably wouldn't know a jump rope from a cow. Or maybe you would since you can eat cows...
Ok, ok, I'll admit it. West Indian men wear corduroy in the summer almost as much as Asian women wear velvet. Isn't that shit hot? Not to mention the noise that corduroy makes when you walk is annoying as hell.
The Abercrombie boys have been sucking lately, I think all the good ones went back to college...
GQ rocks! Man candy, funny articles, its the only magazine that I actually read the whole thing. Barack Obama is on the cover this month (There is a great tshirt on tshirt hell that has a picture of Barack and Hillary and it says, wait for it, wait for it......Bros Before Hoes) And just to refresh your memory, GQ Rocks!
So one of the guys that I work with quit a couple of months ago to move back to the west coast. He was one of my favorites, I mean how could you not love a man that brings your favorite candy and send you hilarious Richard Simmons clips? And I realized about a month after his replacement started that I was being kinda mean to the new guy cause I missed my buddy. So this past month I've made a conscious effort to be nice to the new guy and you know what I found out? The new guy is a boring pansy assed punk! I miss you K!
The wang embargo must end before I do someone stoopid...
TTFN - ta ta for now
Hautechick's Rat Tale
I probably shouldn't post this, cause even though this was started as Hautechick's site, she's never done a post. PLUS she insinuates that you guys might be slightly weird, like their is something wrong with weird. AND I do hate it when she calls me her "little" sister. About 2 years ago I showed up at her job and her co-workers kept looking at me funny, then finally one of them asks me how many sisters I have, just the one, and he's like "Oh, well the way she describes you, I thought you were about 13." FURTHERMORE, she makes it sound like all I do is tell Rat Stories, which makes it clear that she doesn't read this blog. MOREOVER, she's slightly jealous cause you guys read my blog (HA HA you stinker!)
ADDITIONALLY, I don't think she invokes that imagery or imagination that I showed in my Rat Tales but hey...
I probably shouldn't post this, cause even though this was started as Hautechick's site, she's never done a post. PLUS she insinuates that you guys might be slightly weird, like their is something wrong with weird. AND I do hate it when she calls me her "little" sister. About 2 years ago I showed up at her job and her co-workers kept looking at me funny, then finally one of them asks me how many sisters I have, just the one, and he's like "Oh, well the way she describes you, I thought you were about 13." FURTHERMORE, she makes it sound like all I do is tell Rat Stories, which makes it clear that she doesn't read this blog. MOREOVER, she's slightly jealous cause you guys read my blog (HA HA you stinker!)
ADDITIONALLY, I don't think she invokes that imagery or imagination that I showed in my Rat Tales but hey...
THE RAT ATTACK
About a month ago, my dear younger (not little as that makes her mad) sister saw both a rat fight and a rat on the subway platform over the course of about 3 days. I am truly petrified of rodents of all shapes and sizes from the ginormous Capybara to the tiniest house mouse - they all freak me out...big time (also, btw the reason I even know about Capybaras is that my persistent and omnipresent fear lead me to do rodent research, so while my fears may be slightly irrational, they're not completely unfounded).
So, back to my sister - after the rat incidents she starting blogging about these rodents in turn creating a following on her blog (I'm sure they're all nice people, but the whole rat bonding thing is odd)...which in turn meant that she began to constantly talk about the rat fight and the subway sighting...with me freaking out more and more with each retelling.
The subway sighting particularly shook me, I made sure that I was never the first person off the train and up the stairs...just in case, I like to call it paranoid preparation. All was well, until last night. As usual I made sure someone was in front of me as we got off of the train....two people actually...and as I was about to follow some random dude up the stairs, when I saw the biggest, grossest rat I've ever seen up close meandering down the stairs...pretty slowly, just grazing some lady's foot...but I was the ONLY one who saw. I;d been expecting this to happen for weeks, but when it actually did, I was frozen with fear...I couldn't move and clutched my chest and emitted the weakest scream ever...keep in mind that I am the ONLY person who saw this rat...paranoid preparation indeed!
8.28.2007
On My Mind...
I've been carrying a notebook with me for the last two weeks. You know, to jot down random thoughts and ideas, things to check out, etc. So there's really not that much in it, except for this. Let me know if I missed any...
schlong, dong, king kong, monster, pecker, peter, johnson, junior, jimmy, buddy, magicstick, manbrain, lil demon, lil devil, tha boss, prick, dick, cock, jock, wang, mr. happy, weiner, peepee, rainmaker, cherry taker, ding-a-ling, quim sticker, third leg, thingy, wee wee, honey catcher, pee maker, cherry popper, life giver, heart breaker, naughty bits, rod, staff, sword, arrow, bone(r), man meat, Vitamin D, D. I., member, phallus, doodad, endowment, shaft, prick, beast, penis, cyclops=One-eyed monster
8.27.2007
Ok, which one of you losers is the pig?
No real post, just wanted to say that cause I heart that T-mobile commercial! (Tried to find in on youtube to no avail) And honestly, I'd probably be the pig, I have the unlady like tendency to snort when amused...
I also love the one with the family of 5 with the stupid dad, "No, its 26, you gotta carry the nine.."
Notgonnabeabletodoit
Apparently, there are women out there who are ok with being cum receptacles. I didn't think that it would be necessary for me to say this, I thought my actions made it clear. But this fool keeps calling me at 3 or 4 in the morning telling me he is around Brooklyn (which can mean anything from he's in Manhattan or Queens, but as far as I can tell does not mean that he is IN Brooklyn) and then saying shit like, "I keep trying to see you but your being difficult." when I turn him down. No mother fucker, I'm not being difficult, I'm being true to myself. So for the record let me make it clear, I'M NOT COOL WITH THAT SHIT! Did you hear me Brownie, I'M NOT COOL WITH THAT SHIT!
Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with a properly engineered play date. You know the kind. He's out with the fellas, you're out with your girls but you still want to see each other. You've been seeing each other for a while, he invites you out but you don't feel like going, but tell him to call you when he's on his way home. This should not be confused with a booty call, which is what Brownie is trying to get from me. I won't hear from him all week, which is fine, cause after being at work til 8 I have very little energy left to stroke someones ego. Then Saturday morning at 3 am, he'll call me. "Hey Babydoll, what's good? I just went to Caroline's with some friends and thought you'd might like to see me?" Then when I say nah, and suggest we get together for dinner or something on Saturday it turns into, "Well, Babydoll, I got some stuff to do during the day and then I got a thing with my boy you want me to come over after I'm done?" Now, that might be what comes out of his mouth but what I hear is, "I'm going to a party with my boys, and you can't come cause I want to whine up on some women, but how bout I come over at 5:30 in the morning and give you some lazy dick?" Did I mention I hate lazy dick? And when I don't go for that, "Well why don't you take the train out here tomorrow and spend the day with me?" which is what I want to hear but when I come back with the "OK, how bout I get out there at about 3 pm?" he comes back with the "Oh, I meant at night. Can't you get out here at about 8?"
Now I made an effort, and actually did go out there on a Sunday evening, not long after my last post about Brownie. Got my shit ready for the week early so that I could, put on my favorite sexy sundress, sat under the fuckin dryer so that my locks would be curly, and I arrive at the train station to find no Brownie waiting for me. I call him, ("You're there already?" even though I called him when I was one stop away) and he shows up in some fucking shorts and socks and sandals. Still cute as hell, but put in some fuckin effort. And because he lives out in West Bubblefuck, the only place open was TGI Fridays, which was filled with snot nosed over privileged teens. Fun times. And to make matters worse, he gave me the lazy dick! There should be a got damned law against dudes giving Lazy Dick to women who put in work!
So when he called me this weekend, talking about how come we hardly ever see each other, I was a little unenthusiastic. And then when he bought up the trip we were supposed to go on (which is part of the reason I wrote the post about going away by myself) I mentioned that we could have been in Atlantic City two weeks ago if he had been willing to pay for the Borgata. And I might have been a little snotty. (Come the fuck on, its the last few weekends in August, everybody is tryin to take one last trip and hotel rooms are expensive as shit. I figured that if we had to pay $300 a night for a room, it might as well be a room worth $300, he did not agree) BUT then when he said that maybe I should get up early on Saturday so that I could do everything that I needed to do for the upcoming week so that I could come out to see him on Sunday night, I'm not sure what happened. But I'm pretty sure that it involved my finger and the End Call Button.
Miss Fuckin Manners
I remember fondly the parties that my mom and dad used to throw. The house would be full with people from late afternoon sometimes til the next morning. Music would be playing, only to be interrupted by the occasional impromptu live performances or announcement. All manner of beautiful, happy, well fed folk roaming the halls. Table groanin under the weight of the food and any kinda drink you can think of on hand (although my family has always been partial to rum.) Everyone came with something in hand and no one left hungry. And I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to be older so I could throw my own parties.
But my generation doesn't seem to have the same concept of hospitality as my parents. Lately I've been coming across some real half assed invitations and I'm sure you have too. Not sure what I'm talkinbout? Ok, let me break it down for you.
(1) Your homeboy/girl/peoples invite you to a Seafood party, but everyone is supposed to bring what they want to eat i.e. the seafood - not that I'm not above stinking up someone elses house when I make my crab legs, but is this really a party or a cheap way to get some fish in your house?
(2) Your friend says she's throwin a bbq, but the night before she asks if you could bring some ground beef and chicken legs? Oh and by the way she doesn't have any music so could you also ask your ex whose a dj to bring his set up? Oh and would you mind making pina coladas? - This bothers me because if I wanted to throw a bbq I would have, and if you had asked me if I wanted to throw a bbq with you I would have said no. But I end up being the bad guy when I curse someone out for saying some dumb shit to me like, "I wanted another pina colada, aren't you going to make some more?" Because it is a very short step from me being obliging to me kicking you in the throat.
(3) Your cousin invites you to a restaurant for her birthday, invites all of her peoples, orders all kinds of crazy shit including overpriced bottles of champagne, and then expects you to split the bill with her sisters while her man and them don't pay for shit, AND the dumb bitch has the nerve to mention a gift. This on especially pisses me off because a couple of years back I rented a 2 bedroom suite in the city for my birthday so that my girls and I could get blasted and not have to worry about parking, driving back to Brooklyn, etc. I invited 4 women besides Mommy and Haute (who didn't even come!) and only one of them thought to ask me if I wanted her to chip in for the room. AND of the other three only one brought something with her (a bottle of my favorite champers! Veuve Clicquot, so she was forgiven). (And one asshat, who I stopped associating with shortly after, thought that letting me wear her mink coat would be a gift! Like I want to wear someone elses coat and like I didn't just buy myself a full length shearling for my birthday. Shit I wasn't even expecting gifts, but that took the Lame Prize.)
But there are some piss poor hostesses out there too. I can't tell you how many times I brought a bottle of something with me and the bottle disappears with out a word of thanks. The first time I met my boy Bubba's fiancee, it was at his New Years Eve party. Being the proper bitch that I am, I brought a bottle of Clicquot with me. Bubba takes if from me to put it in the freezer, in front of Jealous Bitch, and half an hour later I find her and her douchebag friend getting plastered off my bottle! Talkinbout "Oh this was yours?" Thank gawd Bubba's boy George was there, cause he knew I was about to go off, so he handed me something to calm my nerves and went out and got me another bottle. (Everytime I see this dumb chit, she says "Oh, its nice to meet you" and I say "Yeah, just like the last time we met." And I hope you know I'm going try and show her up at her wedding - big fuckin mistake on her part letting Bubba know that your jealous of me cause he told me all about it. But I don't see why you would be since, I'M NOT FUCKIN HIM - and I never have)
Then there was the fight party that I went to with a bottle of Patron as my date(personally I prefer Don Julio Anejo Reposado). The hostess's sister takes the bottle out of my hand and proceeds to put it in a cabinet, while I'm still standing there. Then she asks me what I want to drink. The tequila that you just put the fuck away without even saying thank you like this is your got damned house, bitch. With ice, thanks. It wasn't as if someone even asked me to bring a bottle, I just did because thats what I wanted to drink and I know it's expensive.
But that's how I was raised. You got to someone's house, you bring something with you. You invite people over, and you have food and drink for them (and your fucking house is clean!) You invite people out and you expect to foot the bill. And another thing, if someone tells me that I have to wear white to their bbq that's being held in their dusty/muddy/grassy no chair havin assed backyard/frontyard/stoop/neighborhood park, so I can ruin my $160 white J Brand jeans for the sake of a dried out patty that I'm not even sure is actually meat, somebodies gettin cut.
8.24.2007
Somebody is Trying to Get Me Fired...
Cause this shit caused me to crack the fuck up! First I choked, then I damn near fell out of my chair, then I was blinded by the tears in my eyes and had to stop it so I could compose myself. Damn you Kamran, damn you to hell!
Can't nobody work a pair of short shorts like Mr. Simmons!
Who Let the Dogs Out?!
You're not looking for them, but I found your two dogs.
Date: 2007-08-16, 10:19AM PDT
Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperment for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However.....
They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit." They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an underbite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniture version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them.
If these are your dogs, come on by, I'd like to kick your ass.
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 398534694
I hate puppy mills!
For the Dogs...
Note to the dogs
I feel your pain Human, I feel your pain. When I first got Duke he used to be obsessed with my dirty panties. Nothing makes a better impression than bringing someone home and finding dirty panties all over the floor!
Date: 2007-08-16, 1:43PM CDT
Dear Dogs of Mine,
It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogs, but your continued cuteness in no way negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of this agreement.
1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers, serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am (when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work).
(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom. He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)
2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell phone, the legs of my grandmother's antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not quads, for a reason.
3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2 square feet. The cat does not bring fleas into the house. You do. You, dogs, will never be allowed to sleep on the bed. Quit sneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your 50 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you are up there!!
4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound, lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6 ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw full of claws. Do not aggrevate him. When he takes your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.
5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for it.
6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for it to be there. Platic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don't eat them.
7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter box. This is why you no longer get to kiss me.
8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.
9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That's why there are two of you, so you can entertain each other. The cat gets to stay in the house. You both have to stay outside while I'm gone. The cat does not chew things up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch is air-conditioned. It's just like inside the house minus the sofa. If you'd quit chewing up dog beds, it would be just like inside the house. You have made your own proverbial bed by destroying two very expensive dog cushions.
10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house that can operate the hose sprayer. I'm also the only one with a driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.
While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.
Much thanks,
The Human
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 398608788
For Afro!
CL Lingo: A self-help guide for the newbies
Date: 2007-08-16, 8:41PM EDT
I am not nearly the veteran as some of the people here, but I am proud to say that I have gotten a few friends hooked. Now we can all bask in the addiction that is Craig’s.
Initially I had some problems. CL is a different culture, a different world, a community rather, and in order to decrease frustration and understand that it is not what you see in the normal world, here are some basic explanations, pointers and tips when browsing CL.
These are tips for all personal forums, as I browse them all due to curiosity, do not judge me, because I know you do it too. Also, feel free to add to the list!
Acronyms (everyone’s favorite shortcut and means of deception for newcomers)
-NSA – no strings attached, basically means, lets just fuck
-HWP- height/weight proportion, really means I do not work out, I’m out of shape, but not morbidly obese, there is no tire around the belly, took me forever to figure that out. I never understood it either, it's just a clever way to say you are not a beach whale...yet
-DDF – drug disease free, this is a standard acronym with no real meaning, as probably more than 50% of the people that put it are lying
-FWB – friends with benefits, not really, see NSA
-JO – jerk off, I just learned that today, crazy shit huh
-BBW – big beautiful women, big black women, I think it’s interchangeable, I don’t know
Real meanings (please, not bashing anyone here, I’m just hip to the lingo now, and I applaud you people for your creativity)
-Fit/athletic – no muscles definition to speak of, this really means average, and not obese (there are muscles on here, but they are few and far between)
-Average – this really means fat, because over 60% of the country is overweight, so that makes overweight people the ‘norm’ therefore, they are average
-Thick but in the right places – again, this means overweight
-Thick but I hold it well – I really don’t get this. I suppose it means they wear clothes that fit them and nothing hangs over
-Curvy – again…you see the trend right
-Cute – this means I will not make you scream when you see my face
-Attractive - this is a step above cute
Favorite sayings/insults:
-Asshat
-Fucktard
-Flame away
-Poppers – (I have no clue what this/these are, and I do not think I want to know)
-Smooth bottom - (bear with me...a common saying in the M4M, it means male takes it in the ass)
-Top - another saying in the m4m section, it means a man gives it in the ass
Other helpful tips:
-Please be careful if you browse M4M, it can be quite traumatizing. DO NOT click on the ads with pictures unless you have a strong gut and like that sort of thing. Also, a lot of the ads are written in code, I didn't understand a damn thing when I first clicked on it. Fascinating, but scary.
-You will run into the same CL’ers over and over, there are not as many people on here as you may think, be careful, take precautions, have more than one email address
-When posting in the personals, be sure to put what you DON’T want, but it doesn’t matter anyways, cause some ass is going to break the rules and ‘take a chance’
-If you prefer the a different race, be prepared for some hate mail, or whiney bastards that have too much time on their hands and aren’t getting any loving, so their joy in life comes from trashing you cause you like to think outside the box
-Most of the women in W4W are not real lesbians, they are bi, bi-curious, or freaky
-The men in M4M will scare you, I cannot stress this enough. 99% of the people there are looking for sex only, makes me feel sorry for the gay males that are seeking real relationships, they most likely won’t find them here
-Never declare anything to a 100% certainty, there will always be someone to dispute, argue your opinion, and then call you an idiot for having it
-“Best of” is funny as hell and is what CL should really be about
-There are a lot of old, married, unhappy people on CL, that probably makes up the majority of posters, it’s sad
-CL is not for the weak of heart or mind. Think of the posters as you would a bitchy irritating mother-in-law. They always have something negative to say, they always challenge your thoughts, and you are never good enough
-Be prepared to become more negative, racist, sexist, close minded, pessimistic, irritable, cranky, as you continue to read CL and post. In the beginning, you will be nice, genuine, and have a real desire to offer good sound solid advice. You will care about your fellow reader and want to help them with your lousy 2 cents. The more you read others posts and get replies to your own, the more bitter and hateful your posts will become. You will find yourself calling a person a fucking idiotic loser with a 3rd grade education that should commit suicide if they do not know the molecular structure of the chemicals in pesticide, because as you read CL, you will know everything, they will know nothing
-This is an anonymous board, just because someone says they are white, black, male, female, human, 24, 30, fit, athletic, God, a hot chic, a porn star, rich…does not mean that any of this is true, it probably isn’t. (Don’t let a posted picture throw you off either)
-Do not believe a word you read on here, for the most part, use your best judgment, while you still have it. The longer you read this, the less good judgment you will possess
-Use correct grammar and spelling, I recommend typing in word, or getting foxfire with spell check before you send. If you do not, you will get a new hole for it
-If you repeatedly see the same posts of an attractive guy or girl with a one sentence tag line, it probably isn’t real, do not respond, or you will get spammed
-You will long to have a missed connection written about yourself, the odds that someone that sees you in the street reads CL as well, is pretty small
-You will get addicted, it’s inevitable. You may think you can break the addiction, but it’s very very hard. You will want to know what these crazy fucks in DC are saying everyday. You will begin to post yourself, you will try to come up with creative, quirky, witty posts that amuse people (shut up, this isn’t one of them), you may even post in the personals ad to see what kind of feedback you get. In any case, you will get hooked. Just be glad you weren’t on CL the day it went out for a whole fucking night. I know my fellow CL’ers were shitting themselves obsessively checking the computer, cursing the tech’s and wandering around not knowing what to do with their nights. Some were even forced to spend time with the family they neglect due to the time they spend on this site. Lucky for me, I am single and without child, so I decided to masturbate
-You are more vile, cruel and inhumane than you think, it just takes a little CL time to bring it out
-Try not to get mad about the BS you read here, you will grow a thick skin after awhile, so don’t let the fools ruin your experience
I know I left out a lot, but this is already a long ass post, I completely violated the rule with this one (not something looked upon lightly by the CL community). Oh! Let me add it…
-Try to keep your posts as short as possible, with as much information as you can get in. Use spaces, that breaks up the length of your post
There! Feel free to add, my fellow crack addicts…and to the newcomers, happy reading, and welcome to the family!
- Location: NoVA/DC/MD
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 398884133
Cause you bit me!
My sister is one of my best friends. My mom is one of my others, but you can't get into a smackdown drag out Leon Neon whipping fight with your mother. Your big sister on the other hand....
There is no one who can get under your skin more than a sibling. She can take me from giggles to screaming quicker than you can say boo. One the one hand, she taught me everything that she learned in kindergarten, first, second, and third grades. On the other hand, I got kicked out of kindergarten cause of her. (Like it was my fault that they hadn't changed any of the lessons since my sister was in the class! I'd be disruptive cause I was bored and then I'd get sent to Haute's class - great school that was, you can't handle an energetic 5 year old so you send her to her 8 year old sister?!)
Then there was the time that she told all of our cousins how I suck my tongue (the best way I can describe this is to say, "Imagine a baby sucking it's thumb, then pull the thumb out of their mouths, and sucking tongue is what you get.") and that was the first time that I ever hit someone. (Came in quite handy about a year later when this big fat bitch picked on me cause I didn't have boobs - like third graders are supposed to have boobs, it was fat you chit! And I smote that bitches ass too!) Or the time when she and one of our cousins (Shout out to Philly!) tormented me when I was trying to sleep. That was the first time that I ever cursed someone (two someones actually) out. And I can't remember what exactly she did to me that time I whipped her with a Leon Neon
But for every time she woke me up in the middle of the night to go with her to the bathroom, I woke her up in the morning (in a "I asked and I thought you might have said yes" kind of way) stealing clothes out of her closet when I was in high school. And for every time she promised me a big lollipop to try and bribe me into doing something (and I would fall for it! Then she finally bought one for me - it was ginormous and it was terrible! Worse lollipop ever!) she was the person who bought me my first Coach bag. And for every embarrassing story that you ever told about me (how I almost drowned at Sesame Place, how I got a garbage bag filled with hot water dumped on my head, how I stuck Bert's eye and then Ernie's nose up my nose, etc) there are the embarrassing stories that I get to tell about you (slipping in some spilled water and going com-fuckin-pletely horizontal before crashing to the ground, getting pissed cause people kept saying "Samu-el" not knowing that his middle initial is L (Samuel L. Jackson), the family thinking the Artist might be imaginary.) And for every freaking time you made fun of some crazy shit I did, you always showed me that it was alright to be different. But I still don't forgive you for biting me when they brought me home from the hospital! (you knew I was real!)
I love you, you big chowderhead (and your crazy husband too!) HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! now go out there and make me an aunt so Mommy will stay off my back!
8.23.2007
Gettin Too Old For This
You know how that recent study that they did on obesity said that if your friends are overweight, you are more likely to be overweight as well? Well I think it was Les Brown (I was half asleep when I heard this but it stuck in my head) who adapted that saying to include intelligence. If you hang around with stupid people...
I'm tired of being stupid! I'm at the point in my life where I just don't have the patience or the energy to deal with the people that I have called friends. Which is probably the reason that my sister in one of the few people that know about my blog. I can feel the life draining out of me and I have for years, but things always stop me from cutting them off. Mostly the insecurity, which is stupid. I mean I wonder if they'll talk shit about me once I stop hanging out with them but am fully aware that they talk shit about me now.
I don't have multiple kids by multiple men, I've never been arrested or ever had to call the cops on anyone, I don't have chicks calling me telling me to stay away from their man, so how come I'm the whore? What's the got damned obsession with who I'm fucking and how many? Its been a ongoing bet between them to see who can get me to give a specific number for how many men I've been with. They think I don't know but there is always someone in the crew who is willing to sell the rest out, in this case it was my cousin T. ( I actually looooove T, she's one of my favorite people and actually not blood related - she's the stepsister to my 2nd cousins. It's her effing sisters I can't stand) Which is another thing I hate, we're supposed to be cool yet everyone has their secrets (my only one being how many dudes I've slept with - which I honestly don't know.) I've never hid the fact that I don't like some of the people that hang out with my core group (which is about to be my cut group) and I don't pretend to be cool with people when I'm not.
A little while ago it all came to a head. Up until then I used to hang alot with T's sister A. Growing up, her and Hautey were really close but then she got pregnant around my senior year in high school and somehow, A and I got closer. She even named me god mother to her daughter. And eventually we started hitting clubs together. She was living with a dude at that point but he and I were really cool (how can you not love a guy who is raising someone elses kid as their own?) so he used to not mind when we would go clubbing together. I was a true wingman, down for whatever and I always had her back. Even after she got married and was cheating with the dude from her job. So years pass and she gets divorced and her two kids are living with her ex (worthless slag) and she starts seeing this Trapper. She'd do dumb shit for him like feed her kids Pappa Johns, and cook him a steak. Didn't do shit for her daughters birthday but threw this worthless momofoko a party. I would question her on it, but it was always some excuse, the kids don't like steak, Pookie didn't want a party, blah, blah, blah. And I used to laugh with him about all the dumb shit he would have her doing.
Now maybe that was wrong, but its who I am. I'm vocal, she's known me all my life and didn't know? I think not. She wanted me to be friends with him, cause lord knows nobody else liked him (plus we had a little bidness together), but then he's spending a little too much time with me (or at least he was saying he was with me). Then there was the night that I was supposed to pick something up from him and he offered me a ride home. Of course on the way to my house, we drive right past my cousin, and I'm thinking, she's going flip and get the wrong idea. But I'm an open bitch so I roll down the window call her name and then get in the back seat so that she can ride in the front. He's looking at me like, "Why the fuck did you do that?" And she's looking at me like she don't know who the fuck I am. A couple of weeks pass, then she tells me that they broke up, and the cell phone that she got for him is off, and I owe (*ahem) him some money. Do I want her to keep the money for him? Uh, no, he knows where I live, if he wants it, he can find me. So then, him and I are hanging out again, cause like I said he knows where I live (I might point out that the first time she sent him to my house it was cuase she had another dude on the way to hers.) And then he starts trying to show me things in the bushes if you know what I mean. ("I gotta huge scar on my ass, I gotta take my pants off to show you, Wanna See?" "Uh, no thanks!" then I sat there with my eyes closed for like 10 minutes cause he was still tryin to show me his stuff! Childish on both our parts.)
So then it's his birthday and he stops by to see me and I admit I thought, "What the hell is he doing here with me on his birthday?" And he's telling me about how A wants to get back with him, and how she's been telling him that I'm a whore (which I think she might have cause why else would he think I would go for the whole "I'll flash my dick and she won't be able to resist"? So I'm like, fuck it! I'll be the first one to admit that I get mad and I start saying shit. Not lies, only truth, but you know what they say about the truth.
So he leaves my house at like 2 in the morning cause we've been drinking and shit BUT NOTHING HAPPENED! (come on- do you really think I'd throw the cooter at some lameo dude that was sleeping with my whorish cousin?) and at like 4 my cell phone rings, flashing his number. I pick up and say "What the fuck are you doing up this got-damned early?!" And hang the fuck up. The phone rings again, his number, and I'm like "What?!" "Trouble, I'm going to fuck you up!" Can I get a WTF and a Holy Hell?
Bitch I have known you all my life, do you really think I wouldn't recognize your voice? And another thing, one of his random chippies would not know my name cause that's not what was stored in his phone (and besides I have a kinda tricky real name so people always mispronounce it.) So why did this bitch act like nothing happened the next time I saw her. And when others in the crew asked me what was wrong, I tattle tailed like a mother fucker! And everyone is all That's Fucked Up and Why Would You Want to Sleep With Him, and She's Been Actin Real Crazy Lately and my favorites We Should Do An Intervention and Do You Think He Got Her Strung Out on Drugs?
But she didn't get shunned, I did. But I guess its for the best. She can keep the crappy two faced friends. She can keep the pathetic loser of a man. I can do bad all by my lonesome...
Murphy's Bitch
It never fails. I start thinking about playing hooky from work and I get sick! On Monday, I worked really hard and I thought to myself
hmm I deserve a day off. maybe go get a mani-pedi. or I could even finally go to Body by Brooklyn and get a massage. oh and Billion Dollar Babes is this week too...
As soon as I thunk it, I started getting chills. Tuesday night I even dragged out my down blanket because I was FUCKING FREEZING! But I still couldn't sleep. I spent the first part of the night huddled under my big down blanket in full pajamas with sweat shirt and socks on. I spent the second half of the night consuming every thing edible I could find in my apartment and then went upstairs to raid Mommy's fridge. By the time Wednesday rolled around, I was headachey, slightly bloated and sweaty - I felt like crap. So I called in and slept til about 2:30 pm. That's when the receptionist decided to call me to see if I had anymore yellow toner for my printer because the alert message was saying that I was almost out. Another thing that never fails, I call out sick and the receptionist always finds some dumbass question to call and ask me. "Uh hi, what's your password for voicemail?" "My password?!" (I croak cause I lost my voice the last time she called to ask me this) "Yeah, Bossman wants me to check your voicemail." "Oh, my voicemail password, you mean those 5 numbers that ARE WRITTEN ON MY PHONE AND LABELED VOICEMAIL?!?!?!"
And no I didn't have any fucking toner, but that shit starts flashing and it won't run out for like 4 weeks, which I explained to the dumb broad.
Then I got up and ate. Apparently while I was sleeping, Mommy blessed me with some mac and cheese (made with champagne cheddar - taste kinda like brie) baked chicken breast and cucumber and tomato salad. Oh and a huge effin carrot cake with cream cheese icing on the side (for me! cause she doesn't eat icing. And I also got told, "And don't let me catch you eating the icing by itself!" Like I'm gonna get caught, sheesh, I am a professional icing and batter thief. trust!)
Then I watched a little The People Court, which is hilarious by the way. This stupid chit, who gave 19 year olds a bad name, was suing her ex for 289.02, the 89.02 was for a printer cartridge and the 200 was for emotional distress cause she had to bring the printer home on public transportation. I should point out that part of the reason they broke up is cause he was in the hospital and she came to visit him and was running her mouth to some random women in the waiting room about his ex-girl and his wife (dude married a chick so that she could get a green card and the dumb 19 year old thought that was cool cause she's for immigrant rights) and guess what? She was running her mouth to the ex-girlfriend and homeboys sister. And then I watched the news, which I hardly ever get to do, and what do I see, a huge fucking grease fire about 9 blocks from my job. For some strange reason, the last two times I got sick and stayed home, some shit, blew the fuck up (steam pipe) or caught on fire by my job. I might be Murphy's bitch, but I think that's his way of telling me I'm his favorite bitch. At least on the East Coast...
8.21.2007
Miss me?
Cause I missed you! I had a hellish day yesterday and didn't get to update my blog, or even visit any of my favorite people! Shit, I didn't get home from work until 9:30 last night. And I missed Paternity Test Tuesday on Power 105.1 this morning. Slept right through that shit. The radio comes on with Alarm number 1 (the actual alarm clock) and I didn't wake up until Alarm number 4 (the Ipod on the Soundock - Alarm 2 is my cell phone and Alarm 3 is my blackberry - and yes I really do need all of those alarms going off! As is the way of things, when Alarm 1 goes off I usually think its part of my dream and ignore it)
And by the by, I've had an Ipod for at least 5 years and just learned how to use the Sleep Timer, Alarm Clock, and the On The Go playlist features.
Oh! But I did find this kewl Trouble quote...
Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you!
Does Not Play Well With Others
Last May, I went to Cancun for the first time. It was early April and I was crusin Travelocity and what should I find? An amazing deal to a all-inclusive resort that I had my eye on for awhile. So what did I do? Call my girls to see if they could get the time off? Call the guy I'm seeing to see if he wants to come? See if Hautechick wants to go? Heck, nah. I asked my boss for the week and then I booked that shit! You see, about 5 years ago I discovered that the fastest way to get Trouble to hate your ass, is to travel with me. It also seems that I can act as a fertility symbol as well, cause chicks go away with me, work my nerves and then within two months announce that they are knocked up. (That happened twice! and no, in the words of Maury Povich, I am not the father)
You know what I hate, slags who ask me to look into a trip, don't get back to me when I send them the info, wait until a week before the trip, and then say "so do you think we can still go to ..." This happens to me at least twice a year. Not to mention that I know someone who is under the impression that hotel rates and plane tickets are fixed price. "You said it was a hundred dollars cheaper 3 weeks ago!" Sweetie (and I mean that in the least sincere way possible) that extra 100 is to replace the damned nerve that you worked to death.
And please don't wait until the last minute to book it. Even though my job is fairly lenient with the vacay time, I don't think that asking on Friday to take next week off to go to Myrtle Beach Bike Fest is going to happen. And why the hell do you want to go there anyway when not nary one of us has a bike? (yeah I know to pick up men, but I am not a got damned groupie so you better come with a better reason than that) And I sure as hell don't want to pay more because you were hemmin and hawing for 3 weeks.
Don't get mad cause I don't want to stay in the crappy roach motel you picked out. I will be 30 in November and my policy is 3 stars or better. If you can't afford it, say that, I'll work with you. But don't come at me with that ignorant "Why you gotta be all bougie" shit, cause I will show you my ghetto side, boxcutter and all. And don't come at me with that "Oh, we probably won't be in the room all that much anyway.*" You want to sleep and shower don't you?! I deal with some of the best hotels in the world working for my boss, so no, the HoJo probably won't cut it for me...
And don't say ok, lets do it, then don't give me your half of the money TIL 3 FUCKING DAYS BEFORE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE! ya dumb chit! (obviously that really happened to me) Yeah I have the dough to cover you, but why the hell should I? Especially without a fucking explanation! (This person also ran out of money day 3 into a 7 day trip...)
And please don't invite me to one of those ghetto assed ski trip where you don't even stay on the mountain -you gotta get up at the asscrack of dawn to drive to the slopes after a night of open bar! Sheeeeet, the last time I got roped into one of those, I had to drop my final payment off at a train station in my hood, the token booth clerk was the one throwing the trip, and I didn't see a single snowflake. I also got evil eyed cause I went back to the room and fell the fuck asleep during a wack ass party and took the only room key. And thats another thing, we are all grown ass women and we still 4 to a fucking room! (Let's stick together, it will be more fun = one of these bitches is broke!)
Or how about, "You don't know everything Trouble" when I disagree with you. You asked me to do the research, I did, you didn't, so while I might not know everything I certainly know more than you! And don't get mad cause you think I'm making all the decisions then when I ask for your opinion on something say, "Oh, I don't know what do you think?" Cause as much as I don't like bullies, I DETEST wishy washy wimps!
* And that's another thing, to me a vacation is for relaxing, unwinding, not fucking clubbing every got damned night. I want to lay on the beach all day, shop, eat, stew in some liquor, see some pretty shit, get a massage and maybe ride a horse on a beach or some other shit I can't do at home. And hell, its not like we didn't just LEAVE NYC home of some of the best fucking nightlife in the world. I'll be damned if I pay $40 to get into some club playing a bunch of old music and hosting the hillbilly hick convention!
So I started taking trips by myself. I can do what I want when I want to and I generally come back waaaaaay more relaxed. And by the by, Cancun was fabulous!
Crappy McSnark
Isn't this weather sucky? (its only going up to about 65 in NYC today) I'm sitting in my office in a wool blend short sleeve sweater, a cashmere cardigan, a pashmina, and my denim jacket because some numbskull in engineering thought it might be fun to have the office building be colder than it is outside.
I learned a couple of things this weekend....
(1) My mother is one of those people. It pains me in all conceivable ways but my mom is one of those people who will get on a fairly empty train and sit next to someone. Oh the horror! And since I was with her, I had to sit next to that poor lady too! At least I made her laugh when I said, "Oh no Ma, your one of those people that sits right on top of folk even though there is a completely empty bench right there!" Instead of asking all these nice people to move over, she could have moved the empty waterbottle we would have had a whole bench to ourselves. When I asked her why, she told me that it looked lonely over there. (My mother is slightly nutty. Wonderful, fantabulous, hilarious and nutty)
(2) Cabana Restaurant at South Street Seaport makes one hell of a Mojito! (And the food was great too!)
(3) Tourist are weird. What would possess someone to run out into the middle of the street so that they could film/take a picture of a fire truck? Cause let me tell you it was almost tourist roadkill heaven on Broadway this Saturday (the day of that 2 NYC Firefighters died fighting a fire in an abandoned building.) And isn't that kind of morbid? "Ooooo Ma, look someone could be dying! Lets run out into the street and tie up traffic so that I can slow down the truck and get a picture! And hey, if I don't slow em down, I might could make some cash exploiting what could be someones last moments!" "Great idea Pa! Want I should flash my hooters at em?"
(4) I'm pretty fucking anti-social, when the hell did that happen? Three times this weekend I passed on shit so I could stay home and sleep. And I don't regret it. Which leads me too...
(5) There is a reason why I stopped hanging out with certain people. And just because I don't remember the exact reason, it should not be discounted. Some people just fucking suck!
8.17.2007
Strange Ting Gwan
I don't know where the day went! Actually that is a flat out lie, my boss ate it! I swear sometimes that man drives me crazy (and if he has a blog, I'm sure he's on it right damn now writing the same thing bout me!) but he pays me (wellll) so I mostly forgive the little shit. Like the fact that I get paid every 4 weeks (13 times a year), it used to piss me off, but now I'm used to it. Just don't ask me for or to do shit during week 3. Hell I don't even mind his yelling. Sheeeeet, he starts yelling and throwing shit (he once put a hole in the wall!) and I give him the "I-know-your-little-ass-DID-NOT-fuckin-yell-at-me!" or "Are-u-out-ure-got-damned-mind?" look and he starts apologizing (once got a cashmere blanket as an apology - unfortunately I can't leave it out cause Duke has expensive taste has been know to make a bed outta my shit. He also thinks I don't know that he sleeps on my bed when I'm not home, the son of a bitch)
FUCK ME AND CALL ME A WHORE! - lightning just struck what appears to be Spanish Harlem. I love the huge window in my office, but I've been known to stare out of it for hours watching planes take off from LaGuardia, or storms roll in. SHIT! it struck again. Is it supposed to happen so quickly?!?!
Any whoooo, I was gonna continue complaining bout my boss, but shit is real out there and I have (CRAP! there went Randall's Island!) on flip flops. So later dudes! (lets hope my flip flops dont get washed away by rampaging sewer rapids) Have a great weekend and check out mi gente....
http://thebeatniks.blogspot.com/ Hey Slim!
http://noticias-chismes.blogspot.com/ Afro is hilarious
http://danae1.wordpress.com/ (she's working overtime, but leave her a message. Just don't say anything bad about Keifer, she'll cut you.)
http://malamag.com/mala/ MALA! gotta love someone with the same train issues as me!
http://blacksupermodel.blogspot.com/ Chic will always hold a special place in my heart as the first person to leave me a comment (scuse me while I dab my eyes...)
http://kateblogsworth.wordpress.com/ Cause a party aint a party without Jane and "Anners" Anna!
And I'm adding Pretty Black and her gorgeous family - http://prettyblackgold.blogspot.com/
If I forgot someone, eh, tough shit. Suck it up and leave your link in the comments section (I kid, I kid - I'm kinda sorta mightcould be fond of you all!)
Peace out Bitches!
8.16.2007
For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Murder When The Lysol Is Not Enough
or Bathroom Ettiquette An Open Letter to the Nasty Ass Skanks I Work With
(and white is a color so don't come at me wit no shit! tee hee, I said shit!)
Dear Nasty Bitches;
I understand that some of you lack the common sense that god gave lint, and that some of you may have been raised in barns, whorehouses, or left to fend for yourself in the woods. So instead of lambasting you dumb broads, I will give you some hints and tips that will help you to avoid being "the stinky nasty woman that that cute little black woman muderized."
(1) There are no maids here, and I can't begin to understand why you might think there might be since you were raised in a whorehouse. And seriously, if there were maids, do you really think that they would enjoy wiping your piss off the toilet seats, flushing them bitches for you, and picking your paper towels up from in front of the garbage can? (Seriously, is your depth perception that off that you can't get the shit IN TOO the fucking can? Sheesh)
(2) Stop taking Alli! Maybe if you got off your ass and actually walked around and did something besides talk on the phone and stuff you piehole, you wouldn't need that crap. But noooo, its french fries and diet cokes. And to make up for you laziness you take that crap and subject us all to your, well, your crap! Everybody takes shits, and everybodies stinks, but do I really have to smell your ass every got damned hour on the f-ing hour!?! Get a treadmill crapcakes!
(3) And while I'm on the subject of crapping, did I mention it stinks? So, sitting in the first stall by the door may not be in your best interest, especially when you might have clients waiting in the reception area. Oh, and sitting in middle stalls sucks for us all too. I'm hereby creating a new rule, pooping only in the stall furthest from the door, and if it is occupied, you'll just have to hold it.
(4) Matches and Witch Hazel - striking a match after a turd will greatly reduced the chances of me walking in while your pooping and saying something like, "What the hell crawled up somebodies ass and died?!" and wiping yourself with witch hazel will prevent me from saying something along the lines of "Gawd, I can't believe someone would fuck that stinky cooter!"
Thank you,
Trouble
Just One Night...
so usually I hate when people proposition you and then you turn them down and they say shit like, "Well it's your loss" So when I read the first line of this ad, I thought to myself, who the hell does this guy think he is. But I kept reading and by the end I was thinking, who the hell is this guy and what the fuck does he teach. Any guesses?
Just One Night! - m4w - 38
Date: 2007-08-16, 5:53PM EDT
I will be in Manhattan next Thursday, the 23rd for ONE NIGHT ONLY.
I am in town to teach a class on Friday for a Broadway actress and her posse.
What type of class, you ask? If you get it, I suppose drinks will be on me!
Hint: I teach a class for girls only. I teach girls how to do the one thing that EVERY boy can do – NO girl can do – but EVERY girl wished she could do.
Got it? Drop me a note with your guess…your picture gets mine…and if you will be available next Thursday. I am staying on 51st. BTW…I am a relatively attractive, athletic, with dark hair and eyes.
Bonus points if you always wished you could…
PostingID: 398767428
In The Strictly Platonic Section...
Mariage for convenience - w4m
Um, call me Doubting Thomas, but if she's rich pretty with good credit, she shouldn't have to place an ad, yes no?
Date: 2007-08-16, 4:09PM EDT
I would like to meet a man for a short term marriage of convenience. I am 26, European, pretty, never married, and just looking for a way to stay in this country.
I am looking for:
1) US citizen man(25-35 years)
2) Dependency free (drugs, alcohol, gambling)
3) Tax debt free
4) NO criminal record
5) Willing to marry me to help me to get my green card in exchange for financial assistance. I will not interfere in your personal life.
Please contact me if you're interested.
Thank you .
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/stp/398679653.html
PostingID: 398679653
This is Tiki's Fault...
We met over a steaming pile of turds. . .
Date: 2007-07-27, 3:26PM EDT
Me- I was picking up my dog's shit, following the law, minding my own business.
You- old woman who looked like a broomstick with a bad weave- who said to me mid-scoop "you shouldn't let your dog do that (poop), he should do it over there (points to middle of street)"
I just wanted to say I should've gotten your phone number, but I was just too angry to ask. You see, I felt a real connection between us. The audacity of an old bag to yell at my (4 pound puppy nonetheless) dog for shitting, having the shit picked up and then properly thrown away, overwhelmed me with rage. And I like to surround myself with petty, trite people that fill me with rage. My shrink says it's 'constructive.'
So how about this, give me your number and the next time my dog needs to take a shit I'll drop you a line, come over, and let him shit in your wrinkled crusty mouth.
then coffee?
- Location: 17th St.
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 383398809
Damn You to Hell Craig!
and your stoopid little list too.
I've got a problem, an obsession really. And I said to myself, "Tigg (one of my many other nicknames, cause you aren't really talking to yourself if you call yourself by another name) you know you should try and stay away from Craigslist today. I think we are developing an unhealthy obsession." And Tigg said (cause she's a bit of a rationalizer) "Wellll, I guess I can see you point. But couldn't we just go look at furniture, if we stay away from the Best of, and the Rants and Raves Section we should be ok." And Trouble (who's always up for a bit of, well, Trouble) said, "Eh, what could it hurt." (which is usually followed by, "What the hell was I thinking!?") But then Leggs Diamond chimed in (she's a bit of a slut and has been known to pick strange men up on the internet) "But dahlinks, you never know what delicious specimens of male virility could be lurking on Craigslist. What's a quick poke, I mean peek, going to hurt?" (Leggs also has terrible judgement.) So I took myself over to Craig's place with all intentions of looking at furniture for sale and making fun of the losers (aka seeing if there is anyone interesting) in the Casual Encounters section. But then Tiki popped up (she's sooooo childish sometimes) and all I remember is thinking "oooooooo, prettttttty" then "yummy, horny men" and by the time Trouble was back in control I was here...
Take me in the weeds
Date: 2007-08-14, 10:19PM PDT
My dearest Casual Encounter,
We met on Craigslist. You were the one with the sensual, alluring title - "Ram your cock inside me and spurt your hot load!". I knew you were the one for me by the way you typed in ALL CAPS and listed enough conditions to make a contact attorney proud. Your policies of "FACE PICT *ONLY*! NO COCK SHOTS!" and "NASTY, OLD PERVERTS NEED NOT APPLY!" really resonated with me. And you chose me. of the 357 responses you received, you chose mine. I like to think it was my charm, wit, and carefully crafted prose. That or the Abercrombie and Fitch model I chose for "my" picture.
We both were in relationships, but we needed something more. We needed each other, if only for that one afternoon. So I took off work early. Wasn't feeling well; going home to rest. You just left a note on the counter - "out shopping". Why wouldn't he believe that?
I lust you, but I don't trust you. I can't let you know where I live. You don't care, but he could be home any minute. And I certainly wouldn't want to be around for that. Motels are so cliché. (OK, really we're cheap.) Besides, wouldn't it be totally hot to do it outside, totally exposed to the whole world? I'd never done such a thing before. Neither had you.
So we met at the park at 4. The sun was just starting to go down. The light though the trees was sublime. You in your easy-access summer dress. The shine of your hair. The look in your eye. I wanted you. I needed you. I simply had to have you.
But where? Had to be close. No time to wander around when sex is imminent. Somewhere out of the way. Others can't see. Up that hill. In the trees. Underbrush all around. I pull it aside for you as we make our slow progress trystward. You do the same for me. Then an opening. Nestled into a copse. Surrounded by scrub brush. Perfect.
The blanket goes down and 3 seconds later your tongue is in my mouth. So warm. So soft. So wet. I can no longer think. All the blood is in my cock. I reach my hand down your pants. It's like my toiletry kit fresh out of Miami baggage claim - a hot, wet, sticky mess. You moan and I'm inspired to keep going. First one, then two fingers. Thumb on your clit. It's not long be you're there. I keep kissing you the whole time, but really I'm staring at your face. At the look of pure pleasure. Then you go silent. Your body tenses and arches and I can feel the intense contractions inside you.
You reach for me and I'm ready, clothes off in 6 seconds. After witnessing your performance, I'm already close. Really close. You stroke me. You lick me, and less than a minute later I black out for the longest 5 seconds of my life.
Back into focus, and my gaze lands upon your face. We exchange an awkward look, like we're back in high school and aren't sure what to make of all this. You pull your hand back looking with concern at the mess on it. I pull out a Kleenex and push it at you while I use another to deftly wipe off my stomach.
Nothing left to say, so I get up and start putting on my clothes. You pick up the blanket. I make one last effort on the way back to the cars; I gently brush the cruft out of the back of your hair. You turn half-way toward me and give me a tight-lipped smirk.
That was yesterday. Today I am itchy. And swollen. I have splotchy rashes on my body But my cock is the worst. It's bright red, raw, and about 50% bigger than normal. Now I know the secret of those spammers who claim to increase your girth - poison oak.
I'm sorry, Casual Encounter girl. Sorry if I got poison oak on you like you did to me. Or worse, in you. I'd like to say it was worth it, but I can't. Not now. Maybe in a few days this will be more funny than painful. I hope so. But I do know that next time, we're splitting the cost of the motel.
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 397398685
Take me in the weeds
Date: 2007-08-14, 10:19PM PDT
My dearest Casual Encounter,
We met on Craigslist. You were the one with the sensual, alluring title - "Ram your cock inside me and spurt your hot load!". I knew you were the one for me by the way you typed in ALL CAPS and listed enough conditions to make a contact attorney proud. Your policies of "FACE PICT *ONLY*! NO COCK SHOTS!" and "NASTY, OLD PERVERTS NEED NOT APPLY!" really resonated with me. And you chose me. of the 357 responses you received, you chose mine. I like to think it was my charm, wit, and carefully crafted prose. That or the Abercrombie and Fitch model I chose for "my" picture.
We both were in relationships, but we needed something more. We needed each other, if only for that one afternoon. So I took off work early. Wasn't feeling well; going home to rest. You just left a note on the counter - "out shopping". Why wouldn't he believe that?
I lust you, but I don't trust you. I can't let you know where I live. You don't care, but he could be home any minute. And I certainly wouldn't want to be around for that. Motels are so cliché. (OK, really we're cheap.) Besides, wouldn't it be totally hot to do it outside, totally exposed to the whole world? I'd never done such a thing before. Neither had you.
So we met at the park at 4. The sun was just starting to go down. The light though the trees was sublime. You in your easy-access summer dress. The shine of your hair. The look in your eye. I wanted you. I needed you. I simply had to have you.
But where? Had to be close. No time to wander around when sex is imminent. Somewhere out of the way. Others can't see. Up that hill. In the trees. Underbrush all around. I pull it aside for you as we make our slow progress trystward. You do the same for me. Then an opening. Nestled into a copse. Surrounded by scrub brush. Perfect.
The blanket goes down and 3 seconds later your tongue is in my mouth. So warm. So soft. So wet. I can no longer think. All the blood is in my cock. I reach my hand down your pants. It's like my toiletry kit fresh out of Miami baggage claim - a hot, wet, sticky mess. You moan and I'm inspired to keep going. First one, then two fingers. Thumb on your clit. It's not long be you're there. I keep kissing you the whole time, but really I'm staring at your face. At the look of pure pleasure. Then you go silent. Your body tenses and arches and I can feel the intense contractions inside you.
You reach for me and I'm ready, clothes off in 6 seconds. After witnessing your performance, I'm already close. Really close. You stroke me. You lick me, and less than a minute later I black out for the longest 5 seconds of my life.
Back into focus, and my gaze lands upon your face. We exchange an awkward look, like we're back in high school and aren't sure what to make of all this. You pull your hand back looking with concern at the mess on it. I pull out a Kleenex and push it at you while I use another to deftly wipe off my stomach.
Nothing left to say, so I get up and start putting on my clothes. You pick up the blanket. I make one last effort on the way back to the cars; I gently brush the cruft out of the back of your hair. You turn half-way toward me and give me a tight-lipped smirk.
That was yesterday. Today I am itchy. And swollen. I have splotchy rashes on my body But my cock is the worst. It's bright red, raw, and about 50% bigger than normal. Now I know the secret of those spammers who claim to increase your girth - poison oak.
I'm sorry, Casual Encounter girl. Sorry if I got poison oak on you like you did to me. Or worse, in you. I'd like to say it was worth it, but I can't. Not now. Maybe in a few days this will be more funny than painful. I hope so. But I do know that next time, we're splitting the cost of the motel.
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 397398685
8.15.2007
from your pizza delivery girl
Date: 2007-06-06, 12:18PM PDT
So after about 2 years of being a pizza delivery girl, I’m fed up!
1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although I’m not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that haven’t stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point…
2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, don’t get offended if I don’t. Don’t get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but I’ve seen enough cliché axe murderer movies to know better.
3. Chances are, though, if you’re the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They don’t tip.
4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said “I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard” – Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought you’d know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip – thanks!! My cuteness won’t pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I don’t carry pennies and thus couldn’t give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was “lipped off” ( think she meant ripped off) – Fuck you!
5. If you tell me you can’t afford to tip when I get there, you can’t afford delivery.
6. If you can’t afford delivery charges, you can’t afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (we’re in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he can’t afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and you’re probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies don’t come and fill my tank every night, so don’t tell me it’s my loss when I refuse to deliver to you.
7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: I’m not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I don’t know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly you’ve been watching way too many pornos.
8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I don’t need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I can’t give you my number. What? No, really, I’m not into that.
9. Don’t get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with don’t have a clue as to what a quadrant is… “I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni” Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways?
10. Don’t get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guy’s front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And don’t act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And don’t leave me no tip me because I’m “a liar”. If I wanted to swing by a friend’s house on my way to your place, I’d say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear!
11. Speaking of traffic… The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if I’m late because a hummer that has “environmental consultants” written on it (ah, how I love cliché’s) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time.
Okay, I’m off to work now. Be nice to me!!!
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 346308204
To all my clients....from your friendly online porn store
Date: 2007-06-11, 1:56AM EDT
I have run an online adult goodies store for about 3 years now. To say the least, I have run into some interesting characters in my 3 years of online smut-pandering. I am about to end my run of naughty knick-knacks and I'd just like to give a wee shout-out to the people who struck me as the most interesting, funny, annoying and downright memorable. Here goes nothing....
1. Angry, self-righteous female customer : You placed your order Sunday night. By Monday morning, you were emailing me IN GIANT RED ANGRY LETTERS that you had not received an email telling you that your order had shipped. I politely emailed you back within minutes stating that orders take about 4 business days to ship out (remember that little button you had to click on that said you read and understood ALL our policies BEFORE you were able to place your order? Well, that little gem was in there!). You emailed me again less than 45 minutes later stating in GIANT BOLD RED FONTS that you will report my website to the BBB if I didn't send your order out immediately...hmm, the only way I know to get something right away is to get on the bus/subway/in a cab, high tail it to the adult store of your choice and purchase said items in person. After your 5th email that day screaming/demanding/threatening, to ship your items or else, I finally told you to take a flying leap off a short bridge and I refunded your money ( all $17.99 of it!). The customer is NOT always right..often times she is a total bitch!
2. Weirdo who always bought the same dildo, then cancelled his order 15 minutes later: To respond to your query: NO I don't know if this is a 'good cock'..Even if I bought this particular item for myself, I certainly wouldn't tell a complete stranger my opinion of it! After you fifth purchase of this item in less than a month, I finally banned your sorry ass from buying anything at my store again. Every time i have to refund your money, I lose money myself! My credit card processor take 5% that I will never see again! You were a man buying a particularly LARGE (John Holmes) dildo...this doesn't mean that you are gay or anything and frankly I don't care on way or the other..but from the desperate, seeking emails you sent me and the number of times you asked for a refund, I am guessing that you couldn't come to grips with whatever angst you were feeling at the times you thought 10 inches of Ultra-Skin would feel REALLY good in your ass.
3. Woman who bought about $650 worth of stuff at Xmas, then emails me 6 months later claiming that she only got about half of her order: Sorry, but most normal people would let me know within a couple weeks of getting a tracking number that most of your order didn't show up. Oh, BTW, you had the WHOLE THING sent to one address, so please don't lie to me and tell me that over half of the people 'you had it shipped to' didn't get their items...how freaking stupid do you think I am? I am the only one running this company, so when you tell me to 'ask my shipping department what happened", I don't have to walk far to make that query.
4. Strange customers who keep 'reviewing' the John Holmes cock(that is ONE popular item)....I don't need you posting the same review 500 times! Holy crap, I get it! You LIKE this dick.....
5. People who have AOL or Yahoo accounts...WE STATE on our front page and BEFORE you place the order that you MUST add us to your address book on your email account to get your confirming email. For some reason we often can't get through to you. PLEASE don't email us threatening to call the BBB because you didn't get an email confirming your purchase of the Badunkadunk Booty "Do-it-in-the-Butt" RealSkin fake vagina/ass combo. We WANT to get that email to you! Trust me, you don't want to have to explain to the BBB or your credit card company why you are complaining/doing a charge-back for a $225 item that an elephant could easily have relations with.
6. Creepy guy that offered to exchange 'web services' for adult products: You wanted the Kobe Tai Ultra Realistic Ass and Pussy in exchange for helping me 'get my website out there."...Well, I'm guessing it's already out there since I get about $3000 worth of business a month- not to mention YOU found it so I can't be too far gone in cyber space that no one can hear me scream. I would REALLY feel a little weird setting up a relationship with you based on the knowledge that our first 'exchange' of funds was a phony pussy. It just would creep me out every time I talked to you to know that you were banging that fake vagina. Ick!!!
- Location: everywhere
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 349423094
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/349423094.html
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