Check your paycheck...

... seriously, don't take for granted that they got your shit right.  Even if you have direct deposit.  

So I decided to not go online of Friday until I finished my resume.  It seems that every time I went online to look to research something, I ended up on TypHo Blvd. (if you don't know what I'm talking about, sucks to be you!  I kid, kinda)  laughing at some crazy shit or another.  So I said no internet until I finished my revisions.  Woke up on Friday, ready to rock, check the mail, and there's my paycheck, crammed into the mail slot.  My post office is constantly pissing me off with shit like that, one of the mailmen is good, but the rest seem to be a bunch of lazy fucks.  So I'm still muttering to myself when I unwrinkle and open up the bitch and I notice something hinky.  

My fucking check is over $400 short!  What the fuck!  I pull out some old pay stubs and see what the problem is.  My state and fed are at almost %50.  So I call OfficeManager.

Troub: Hey I got my check today (snarky voiced cause she said she mailed the bitch on Tues, but it was postmarked for Wed.) and my taxes are wrong.

OfficeManager: What do you mean your taxes are wrong? (is that a slight attitude I detect?)

Troub:  My taxes are wrong.  They are taking about $500 more dollars out of my check.

OfficeManager:  Of course they're taking more, your taxes are supposed to go up every year Trouble.

At this point, I'm confused as fuck by her logic, so I tell her that I will do a little research and call her back.  Now usually, I'm a kick ass researcher, like Duke with a fucking bone, I don't let shit go.  By now your talking about my money, so its a whole nother ball game, if you feel me.  I broke my rule and went online.  Found this amazing calculator that lets you figure out how much money is supposed to be taken out in taxes from your paycheck based on your number of deductions and the state that you live in.  Figured out that I was right, they were taking almost $500 extra, which meant that I was getting taxed at about %47 percent or some shit.  Then I called the IRS.

Spoke to this very nice woman who said, "I don't think anyone has ever asked me how to figure out if they were being taxed the right amount on their paycheck."  She then pointed out that even if my taxes were to go up in 2008, the check was for the last three weeks in December.  I was too mad to realize that.  She also sent me to the pertinent pages of the tax code regulation that showed that I was being taxed too much.  I printed them out along with the calculations from the payroll calculator, and called back OfficeManager.

"Well, I have nothing to do with how much they decide to take out of your check in taxes.  If you think its wrong, why don't you call the people who process our paychecks and see if they can give you an answer you'll accept."  So thats just what I did.  Of course I got the fucktards voicemail.  I left a very professionally politely pissed message explaining the situation and asking him to get back to me on my cell phone.  Then I went and deposited the check (after scanning it onto my computer, along with a copy of the envelope showing the postmark date), and went to get a manicure and a pedicure.  I needed to calm the fuck down and that helped.

I'm getting back into the car to come home and notice I have a voicemail, the missed call log indicates its OfficeManager.  "Trouble, call me back as soon as you get this"  So I do, "Oh Trouble, you saved everyones ass! (I kid you not, I'm not exaggerating) You're the only one who caught the mistake! Well Bambi caught it but she didn't follow through..."  Come to find out, when I called the processor, he checked his records and realized that in updating our records for the new year (switching from getting paid every 4 weeks to every 2 weeks) he miscalculated everyones taxes.  And only two people in the entire company noticed.  One was too stooopid to follow up on something that she thought was wrong.  And the other (me) didn't even get her check until a full week after everyone else!

WHAT THE FUCK!  People don't check their checks?!?  When I told Hautechick about it, she admitted that she rarely if ever checks to see if the amount of her direct deposit is correct.  Don't take that shit for granted, cause next thing you know the guvment will have an extra $500 of your money, and you'll be none the wiser.  Shit, you know how much shopping damage I could do with $500?!?