Somethings

So I reallly try hard not to hate on GP, so when I found myself disliking Sarah Palin, I had to explore my reasoning.  So I did a little research.  Now, I want to start off by saying a couple of things.  I'm not a democrat.  That right, Trouble is a proud Independent.  I actually voted for Ralph Nader in the last election.  (my reasoning, not that I need to justify my decisions, was that since I couldn't get behind either of the candidates on the major party tickets, I would try and lend my vote to getting the green party a voice in the next election.  Didn't work and were still stuck in a pseudo democracy, but it's not for lack of trying on my part.)  While I voted for Hilary Clinton to become a senator in New York, I never considered her a viable candidate for President.  (for me she had her chance when Bill was in office and for that matter so did he.  let's try something new since the old shit is obviously not working.)  I do feel that as a country, our moral character is atrocious, but I don't think that religion is the answer or has a place in government.  (and yes I cannot help but hold the mother accountable for the actions of the daughter.  that however has absolutely nothing to do with politics.)  

Now, on to what I don't like about the Republican vice presidential nominee.  Ok, fine the average American does take more than 4 years to finish college, and most of us I'm sure have gone to more than one college.  But that just it,  the AVERAGE American.  I don't think that anything about our President in Waiting (cause lets be honest dude is reallly old and his health is not the best.  in fact John McCain is something like 23 years older than the state of Alaska) should be average.  We're talking about the so called leaders of the free world.  They should be fan-fucking-tastic in every damn way.  Exceptional even.  Not former weather girls or whatever she was.  Yeah we had presidents who were actors, but actors have to actually memorize line.  Television reporters read from teleprompters.  I'm not knocking television reporters, there are some exceptional ones, but she wasn't one of those either now was she?

And I know this is totally irrational and somewhat petty, but fuck it I'm entitled to my opinion, I hate her style.  It's tacky.  The "oh I'm so busy and unconcerned with my looks but make sure my bangs look good" hairstyle drives me insane.  I was so fucking happy to see a picture of her with her hair down it was ridiculous.  And I know that she's worn glasses since she was a little kid, but I still feel like she wears them so that people will take her seriously.  Besides that I hate them.  Whats the point of a rimless lens only to have that big metal side bar.  The dude who makes them was like, oh thats nice that she made my glasses popular, but don't think I'm backing her or anything.  (not a direct quote, but he really did say that - check the associated press if you like.)  And then there's this picture of her sitting in what they say is her office (there's a whole debate going about her taste in decorating, but some people say thats not her office)  in what have got to be the ugliest pair of red wedge flip flops.  That really bothers me, I mean flip flops and Alaska just don't go together in my mind.  But beyond that, you telling me Haviana's won't deliver to the Governor of Alaska?  Come the fuck on, you can do better.

And that exactly the point.  I'm no where near what you would call a McCain fan, but he could do soooo much better.  It's like Jason Bourne said, it's like a bad fucking Disney movie.  Actually it's more like one of those knock off Disney-type movies.  I bet old Mike Eisner rejected 50 stories similar to this.  And worse,  I'm pretty sure the rest of the fucking world are continuing to laugh at the stooopid fucking Americans (hey, completely random but you know Bucket is a great replacement for saying Fuck It and just as much fun!)  

Let's take a minute to talk about First Dude.  So not cool.  We are supposed to believe that Palin is this independent career driven woman that lets nothing stop her, and yet her husband always with her to the point that he's billing the state of Alaska for his time?  Just how much influence is he going to have?  The press has had a field day talking about the other spouses, even went so far as to call Michelle unAmerican but not so much info out there about Todd.  I've heard that he was/may still be part of a group that would like for Alaska to secede from the United States, but I'm not sure if thats true.  Regardless, I would like to know more.

I'm really just kind of hoping she goes the way of Geraldine Ferraro, I can't even remember whose running mate she was supposed to be.

Fashion for Change

Oh. My. Gawd!  I just absolutely must have/will wither without the following items.  Seriously.

• Marc Jacob's Obama '08 Button Tote Bag - $75
• Rag & Bone's Change is Awesome Tote Bag - $75 (yes I need two tote bags!)
• Tracy Reese's Obama '08 Black Ladies Long Sleeve T - $70
• Nanette Lepore's Hope Anchor With Pin Ladies T - $65 (OMFG I lurv her!)

There are also t-shirts by cutie patootie Pharrell Williams, Juicy Couture (Dude, Where's The Hope?),  Alexander Wang, Zac Posen, Narciso Rodriguez, Vera Wang, Maria Cornejo (i really like hers too), Russell Simmons, Tory Burch (which would look absolutely adorable with some cuffed jeans and a pair of her ballet flats) and more people who I either don't feel like typing, don't know or don't care for.

A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

The Rat

So I'm at Nostrand Avenue train station, which is just about as bad as Utica for sighting rats.  I'm walking toward the back of the Express platform because even though I need the local, I know that downstairs is like, I can't even come up with something its like cause its like nothing else you've ever seen.  Rats every fucking where.  And bold as shit too, don't think that stomping your foot is going to scare them off.  So, I'm walking towards the back of the train and I see dude sitting there and I'm thinking that I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting on the stairs with as many rats as there are at Nostrand.  And just as I think that I see a rat by the edge of the platform.  I'm still kinda far, Nostrand Ave is a long ass station, but it looks like the rat is closer to me than the man is.  So I keep walking and as is my way, my mind starts to wonder.  Where the fuck it goes, I haven't the foggiest, so if you come across it, just make sure it doesn't cause too much damage.  (I was going to say trouble, but you were expecting that weren't you?)

I had my iPod with me so I'm sure I was singing along to something.  All of a sudden I see the man jump up about 5 feet in the air and I see the rat running away.  What.  The. Fuck.  Right?  I mean did I really just see that.  Did I really just see that rat sneak up on the dude and try to crawl up his shorts?!?  Yes.  The.  Fuck.  I.  Did.  And nearly passed the fuck out for him.  I mean the leap in the air, in retrospect, was hilarious.  But I couldn't even laugh because I was so fucking disgusted.  So dude says to me, "You didn't just see that!  You can not tell anyone one that you saw me scream like a girl."  And I'm all private school snarky ass black chick with the, "Seriously are you kidding me?!?  It was a fucking rat in your pants!   I sooooo saw that and I'm soo writing about it on my blog!"

The Whatnot

If you were wondering where I've been, I was severely depressed after LadyShay came to New York, turned me on to the ways of Sapphic love and then abandoned me.  After which I briefly stalked Taimak from the Last Dragon, which lead me to discover the death of Julius Carry which further deepened my depression.  The situation was further exacerbated (whoa, I spelled that right on the first try- and I'm about to use it correctly!) when I discovered that two of the most disgusting, unattractive people I know are getting married (If a woman who has no problem spreading her thighs on the beach so that she can pick at her numerous razor bumps and I guy who has so many cavities that he doesn't even have to open his mouth for you to see them can find love, why the fuck can't I?  Probably cause my ass is way too picky for some of these half assed dudes...) The depression abruptly lifted upon discovering the deliciousness that is Peaches (a restaurant) and smothering my blues in copious amounts of Chicken Fried Chicken from the Comfort Diner, Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries from 5 Guys (I am obsessed with 5 Guys - The Artist calls them crackburgers), spoiling my Mom with a Mojito soaked lunch at Cabana, discovering the funnocity that is Wii, washing an incredibly big dog who hates water and throwing myself into my work.  You would think that I'd have gained some weight, but you'd be wrong, tummy's still 100 good sit ups away from a 6 pack.  Ahh it is wonderful to be naturally thin. (and don't worry that food was supplemented with organic heart healthy oatmeal for breakfast and plenty of fruits and vegetables!)  

Smooches Hooches!

You Know What's Good?

• Adele's album 19
• Creme Puffs from Beard Pappa
• The Treats Truck
• the softness of my sister's afro
• gorgeous brown babies
• me in one of my favorite outfits (I have about 20)
• well groomed little girls in pretty simple dresses
• that gorgeous chocolate man that I work with that called me Lady Trouble when he introduced himself to me - swoon fucking worthy
• the fact that my job has absolutely no problem with coworkers getting it on
• my Momma's limeade 
• that Paul Frank Julius hoody with the puppets on the sleeves 
• love
• that moment right before orgasm when your breathe catches and the world seems to stop
• sweaty sated bodies intertwined
• watching Katee and Will dance the Pas de Deux choreographed by Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden again, even with the flight flub on the turn the first time it was still so much better than good
• me on top

SuperSlagalicious!

That's not to be confused with the Swagalicious one

One day, I'm on my way to work and the trains were all kind of fucked up. Luckily I end up practically chest to chest with this dreaded wonder that was about 6'4".  Unfortunately I was too close to look at his face without him knowing full well that I was looking at his face, so I'll just have to imagine that he was cute.  15 minutes and 1 whole stop later (despite what you may think about NYC, that is definitely not the norm) I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I manage to wiggle around and who should it be but my infamous cousin SuperSlag.  I really want to be snarky after her whole "I will do whatever I have to so that I don't ever have to take the train again" spiel about 5 years ago.  But in reality I'm kind of proud that she returned that ugly ass Jag rather than have it repossessed - like her other cars.  (ooops!  I guess I just can't contain the snark)

So she gets off at her stop and I continue on my journey.  Get off to transfer trains and there is literally a sea of people heading away from the platform that I'm heading to.  Nobody bothers to mention to the people heading up the platform that the trains aren't running until I run into Keek - one of SuperSlags bestest since like the early 80s.  Now I will say this about SuperSlag, I really can't knock most of her friends.  I'm not talking about the people that she brings around.  I'm talking about people that she's been hanging out with for like evah.   Like me actually or even Cousin T.  Her other bestest, E is also cool as hell.  Anyway, Keek tells me what's going on with the trains (somebody passed the fuck out on the train and service was suspended) and she's heading the same way as me so we head on uptown together using another train (and another fucking transfer damn it!)

I tell her its crazy that I ran into her cause I just saw SuperSlag on the train, and she hits me with a very suspicious "Really."  I ignore the interesting tone and continue on with, "Yeah two people I never see on the train and I run into both of you within 10 minutes of one another!"  What can I say, I can be chipper as fuck and play ignorant like the best of them.  I didn't know what had happened, but obviously something was up.  Keeks goes on to tell happy sweet Tiki (she's known me since I was a kid, and I really am a sweetheart to people I like.  Problem is I don't like most people.) that she's about to take SuperSlag to court for the $2000 she loaned her back in the beginning of the year.  Turns out when SuperSlag needed to find a new apartment it was Keek's uncle that let her move into one of the houses that he owns.  Turns out that after WackThug left SuperSlag, Keeks was the one to bring her food when she found out from her cousin that lives downstairs that SuperSlag hadn't been out of the apartment in about a week.  Turns out that when SuperSlag couldn't pay her rent a couple of months later, it was Keeks that loaned it to her - something that no one in the family knew.  (I can honestly say that at one point or another, just about all of her family members have lent her money to pay rent ect. and not gotten a penny of it back, myself and Mommy included.)  Turns out that Keeks even gave her a couple of months to pay it back.

And you know what SuperSlag does?  She stops answering the phone when Keeks calls and then she stops answering the phone when E calls too.  She's avoiding her bestest like the plague.  So she's getting sued.  And you just might get the chance to watch it on Judge Judy!

Rock me sexy jesus...

...never heard the song, but everytime I hear the title I always giggle.  

Sooo, TheJob is spanking my ass.  And since I love a good spank, I adore TheJob.  The challenge, the people, the candy.  I got it though an amazing temporary agency that I would love to recommend to people in the NYC area, but I gotta see a copy of your resume first, cause I'm not sending them duds, ya feel me.  That's also why I'm not posting the name of the agency on my blog.  Anyway, I'm working hard, using a good 80% of my brain, which is a huge gain over the maybe 2% I was using at the old place.  It's not a cake walk, but then again I would probably hate it if it was.  Because of that whole actually using my brain thing, I might not be as on it as I once was way back when, but I will continue to post.  

And I promise that sometime this weekend I will catch back up on my blog reading...

Whew!

Ok, 4 post in one day.  I think that should be enough to get you through the week.  But I got one more story.  Ok, 2 more stories that I think you'll enjoy...

• So its hot as the hinges of hell in New York right now.  Has been for the last 3 weeks or so.  And humid as shit!  So I woke up on Saturday and took Duke outside in the backyard and decided that he looked hot and needed a haircut.  Now I should point out that I've given Duke a haircut a couple of times and it generally comes out looking good.  Not so this time.  I don't know if it was because I was hot (I mean I was sweating buckets out there!)  or because Duke was hot (he kept fidgeting) or because Mommy jinxed me ("Wow, it really looks like you know what your doing!"  that was about 5 minutes before I took entirely too much off of his back left leg.  Then he wouldn't give me his back right leg so that I could at least even it out!)  Needless to say, my poor Pooper looks a mess.  So bad that everytime I see him I say "Awwww, I'm sorry!"  At least he's a lot cooler now.  I, on the other hand, gave myself heat stroke out there cutting all that fucking hair off.  I was thisclose to passing the fuck out.
• After the heat stroke/bad doggy haircut debacle, I decided that I was going to take it easy on Sunday.  Go get a mani/pedi and then go pick up dinner so that Mommy wouldn't have to cook.  I was going to say Mommy or I, but who am I kidding, I'm allergic to the stove in the summer.  So I get the mani/pedi (no thank you, designs are fine for some people, but fuck no I don't want polka dots on my toes!) and then stop at the ATM and hop on the train at Kingston/Throop to go get some food.  I walk towards the back of the platform, but not too far cause I don't want the rats to get me.  I'm waiting, I'm waiting.  Everything copacetic until the train comes cause it brings a big ass rat with it!  The rat in on the platform running from the train and heading right the fuck for me!  I can admit I screamed a la Mariah, but I bet any of your asses would have done the same damned thing if you saw a NYC subway rat charging up the platform at your ass!  So I'm screaming and running away from the rat and the people waiting in the middle of the train platform and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, UNTIL they see the rat then those mutherfuckers start hitting high notes too.  So the train stops and the people getting off the train are looking at the people on the platform like we all lost our minds.  AND then, they see the rat and a couple of them seriously looked like they were contemplating hopping right the fuck back on the train.  That is until it looked like that was what the rat was going to do too...

Oh shit, I just remembered that I had a CWAAZZZY story to tell you about SuperSlag - somebody remind me...

The Boys...

...Hi Swag!  Hi Torrence! 

I can't help it Lady Shay!  I have always loved males.  Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me.  So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males.  In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male.  When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy.  I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl.  By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block.  Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet.  Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys.  And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend.  I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have.  I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one.  Not to replace what I have mind you.  

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys.  Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys.  Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.)  Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls. 

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me.  Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl.  Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me.  Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day.  Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride.  Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass.  Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Brownie

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend.  I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run.  I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday.  (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.)  Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside.  (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.)  Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep.  (Well, it was!)  Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down.  But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.  

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time.  It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time.  I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done.  And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying.  I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me.  You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me.  Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell!  Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie.  Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T.  (which sounds like something I would say.)  And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him.  "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me!  I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Buggy

Despite my tom-boyish tendencies as a child, there was always one thing that could make me turn into a shrieking girly mess, bugs.  I hate them, all of them.  Butterflies are pretty to look at, but let one of those mutherfuckers land on me, and I will hit a high note like Mariah.  I don't care if its harmless, or pretty, I don't want it to touch me. 

So naturally bugs flock to me in hives.  I don't have ants in my apartment, or even roaches.  I get fucking centipedes, one of the most horrid bugs in my opinion.  Not only are they multi-legged but they are also kinda slimy and thus EXTREMELY GROSS!  One night I left a glass of limeade by my bed in a big red plastic cup (what I think of as a party cup.)   I wake up in the middle of the night, grab the cup and got a little something extra with my sip.  No, it wasn't tequila, IT WAS A FUCKING CENTIPEDE IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!  But I didn't realize it at first, thought it might have been a bit of pulp.  Good thing I can't stand pulp.  Bad thing I spit it out in my hand and turned on the light to see what it was.  (I can admit now that if anyone else had been in the apartment with me when this happened, they probably would have laughed their ass off at my antics, but seriously it was a bug in my mouth!)  Lots of listerine, lots of tooth brushing, lots of willies....

Then the other night, I get out of bed to go potty and I step on something kind of squishy.  I'm really hoping that Duke spit a piece of food out on the floor.  Of course not.  I killed the summabitch, but I still stepped on the damn thing with my bare foot.  Needless to say my right foot was scrubbed til it was pink like a white babies bottom, and just as soft.

Boo!

Yes I know it's been awhile.  And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

• Almost got back with PYT
• Got back with Brownie
• Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
• Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
• hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
• hung out with Bubba a couple of times
• saw Grant Hill!  (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine.  No disrespect Tamia)
• went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
• found a temp agency that actually got results.  as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them.  as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell.  as in bitch got two offers...
• oh, did I mention I got a job?
• got a kick ass job
• got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position 
• did some serious shopping on a budget
• ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning.  Congratulations on the baby boy!
• went to a couple of parties
• i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember.  hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
• made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday.  It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over. 
• got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body.  I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing.  I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you.  And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.  
• told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
• saw all kinds of short pant atrocities!  I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things.  I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.  
• saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!!  it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly.  I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso.  But, my gawd, her torso.  And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack.  Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
• bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
• I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course!  itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs.  sorry!  I'm a flake like that.  You should forgive me cause I'm cute.  And did I mention I got a job?  You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately.  kisses, bitches!
• I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
• decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic.  Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob.  I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did.  I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart.  Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh.  So, no talk about my job.  Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss.  Seriously, love.  But not like that.  Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love.  A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence.  Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me.  and HI SWAG!

Lucy & Ricky Retardo...

... the title has nothing to do with the post, but thats what my play cuz and her man are known as.

Hello people!  I'm taking a little break from blogging, on my grind!  I will be back soon.

Kisses bitches,

Trouble 

(& hi Swag!)

Grrrrrrrr, partie duex*

*no I don't speak french, Mac Dashboard translated it for me (Non, je ne parle pas francais, Mac Dashboard traduit lui pour moi!)

So I went on the interview at the international corporation today.  Nice office, super tight security as is found in most NYC office buildings these days.  Let me start off by saying that when I was talking to the TempAgent, she kept saying to me how they had placed the woman that I would be meeting with sometime ago.  And although she (the TempAgent) had only met with my interviewer two or three times, she could just tell that we were going to get along.  I took this to mean that I was meeting with a black woman, and I was correct.

Can I just state for those non-black people out there that might not know, that just because two women share a racial designation and a similar occupation, does not mean that they are automatically get along.  Case in point, my fucking interview today.  Homegirl didn't like me from the minute she saw me in my Calvin Klein linen blend herringbone suit and Max Studio pumps.  Actually I should list those in opposite order since when I turned around to meet her, she was working her way up from my bad ass round toe pumps.  I'm sure some of you out there reading this are probably thinking I'm a conceited lil bitch whose just a tad full of herself, and honestly you'd be mostly right.  I'm also secure enough with my own shit that if I see another woman with some nice sandals (the lady in the nail salon last week) or a great dress (that sister on the C train) I will give you a compliment.  So I know when someone is looking at me like, "Ooooo those shoes are nice!" and when someone is looking at me like, "Look at this uppity bitch!"  But I am a professional, professional what I don't know, so I smiled my brightest and friendliest and greeted her with nothing less than grace (with a tad of humility thrown in to make her feel better about herself.)

We get down to the interview and errrrrrrrrrrrrkkk! wait a minute, TempAgent told me I'd be supporting 9 executives but Interviewer is telling me it's actually about 12.  And the position is for about 6 months instead of the 3 TempAgent implied.  I already know that they DO NOT want someone who is going to be interviewing during lunch.  So I guess asking for an hour off to go to an interview is out as well huh? Let me ask you this, what the hell am I supposed to do 7 months down the line if they decide not to hire me on full time?  Do I explain on my next set of interviews that I took a job at half my normal pay when they ask me what I've been doing for the last six months?  And if they do hire me, do you really expect me to believe that they are going to automatically double my salary upon hire when I've been more than happy to do the work for less for the last 6 months?  Somehow I don't think so...

 And why the hell can't this damn woman look me in the eye!  Not a fucking good sign.  Is there something hanging out of my nose?  Is my eyeliner smeared across my face or some shit?  I KNOW there's nothing between my teeth - I didn't eat anything, I was a little nervous.  The fact that this woman is looking everywhere but in my eyes is distracting the fuck out of me and I'm not answering her questions with my usually savvy or panache.  My wit is abandoning me and my nerves are starting to take over.   I'm second guessing my decision to wear my suit.  I mean after all Interviewer is wearing some slacks with an open knit sweater and tank underneath (next time she should opt for either a neutral shade or a matching one, cause the white tank under the navy blue sweater was what I would call corporate.)  Then she's telling me that she wants me to meet with her supervisor and an older white woman enters the office.  Interviewer exits and my next interview begins.

Complete opposite experience.  She's looking me in the eye.  She's smiling at my answers, shit, she's actually listening to my answers.  I've gotten her to laugh.  What's the difference?  It surely isn't me.  I'm acting the exact same way with the Supervisor that I was with the Interviewer.  Maybe it's because Supervisor has only been there for 6 months herself so she's got no reason not to like me.  Maybe it was all in my imagination....

Grrrrrrrrrr

I reallllllly am starting to be very skeptical about employment agencies.  The latest one that I've hooked up with is not giving me a confident feeling to put it mildly.  It started off pretty well.  I was especially excited because the Treat's Truck was close to their offices.  If you're from NYC and like desserts, you really need to check out the Treat's Truck website and get a cookie or some shit.  Lady is like my fucking hero!  She's got a tricked out old fashion ice cream truck named Sugar, wears a kitschy lil uniform, and makes delicious treats.  What's not to love?  I once got a caramel creme sandwich cookie and gave it to a dude I used to work with.  He looked at it all kinds of funny cause it wasn't fancy looking at all, in fact, they kind of look like sand paper.  But then he took a bite, and that was all it took to get him hooked.  Their motto is "Not too fancy, always delicious!" Anyway, enough about the Treat's Truck for now...

I was also excited about The Agency because it's a certified women owned enterprise, which I thought was cool.  So I get there and the young receptionist asks me to fill out an application.  I was in a snit about it at first, but the application actually asked alot of good questions - things that you couldn't find out by reading my resume.  And she also gave me this sheet with tips for a good interview.  For the most part I agreed with all of the tips, but one kind of bothered me.  It said that you should always wear a suit to interviews.  It went on to say that by a suit, they meant two pieces of the same color purchased together, clean and well fitting.  Now first thing that bothered me about this was that I was sitting there in a black button down shirt, black pencil skirt, (black sheer pantyhose) and round toe black pumps.  Second thing that bothered me about this was that in all of the interviews that I've been on so far, only the men that I interviewed with (3) had on suits, and one was extremely ill fitted, and one didn't even bother with his jacket.  None of the women I met with had on anything even close to a suit.  

The funny thing about it was that I had just bought two new suits and had them tailored so they fit properly.  (Shopping note: If you buy anything from Syms, they have tailors in the dressing rooms and the fee is rather cheap for the work they do.  Turn around was pretty quick too.)  I would have been a little pissy if I walked in there in my new Calvin Klein herringbone suit only to find this maybe 21 year old receptionist in her motorcycle boots and short skirt.  And there there was the other candidate in the reception area in his older brother's suit.  At least thats what it looked like to me.  But I didn't wear a suit and I still looked professional.  And some days a working woman can't go wrong with a nice professional yet feminine dress.  

Anyway back to The Agency.  The interviews went well, and they didn't ask me to test.  I mean really, who works somewhere for 7 years, with references provided, and doesn't know how to proficiently use Word and Excel?  I think it's a little insulting when they ask me to test my skills.  Especially when they tell me that I can't use all of the nifty shortcuts that someone who has used Word or Excel for over 10 years has picked up.  And then when I left the interview and stopped by the Treat's Truck, she was sold out, but she gave me a free cookie!  I seriously have a thing for that woman now.

A couple of days pass and I hear from the permanent placement counselor that I met with.  She tells me about a job that sounds pretty interesting but just got listed, it going to be a while before she hears back from them.  Next day, the temporary placement counselor that I met with calls me.  She has a long term temp job working at a well known firm, replacing someone on maternity leave.  She tells me that they tend to keep people that they like and it sounds like an interesting thing to do for a little while.  (how long in general is maternity leave anyway?) Then she tells me the pay per hour and I say send my resume.  I get off the phone and pull out the calculator and wait a second, it's like half my last salary.  Seeing as I'm still getting paid from The Last Job for a little while longer, I technically could take a pay cut IF it was something amazing that I really wanted to do.  But I'm tired of sitting at home so I figure I'll talk about it with the Temp Counselor when I hear back from her.

When I do, and bring up my concerns, chicky starts whining.  "Well we really like for our candidates to tell us no before we send their resumes and you're putting me in a really uncomfortable situation!" she screeches at me.  Hold on, I simply pointed out to her that the pay was a large step down from what I use to make and I asked her if it would end up hurting me in the long run.  For instance, I said, if they decided to hire me full time, would they expect me to receive less that my last sizable annual salary because I have already done so?  "Oh! Well, um, no!  I mean they would in most cases look at what your last full time salary was. And if you're really worried about the decrease, I can up the pay by $2 an hour."  She really never should have told me that.  Because now I think I can get more money out of her.  Not to mention, I know someone that does temporary placement and if I'm going to give someone my commission, I would much rather it be her.  And because I've known her for so long, I know that she probably won't try to fuck me on the deal, at least with out some dinner and a good lube....

Strange ting gwan

Hautechick is famous for telling me how she saw this guy and he would be just perfect for me!  She never really knows the guys, usually she sees them in the street or on the train and I always end up saying to her, "It's not like you're going to run into dude when I'm with you."  So her tactics have changed.  Recently she's been coming to me with guys names.  She and the Artist are renovating their house, so she called up some contractor tells him her name and the guys says, "Oh, you must be Omar's wife."  Actually she's not but dude has the same last name as her hubbie.  So she says to me, "That would be soooo cool if you married Omar and we had the same initials again!"  How or where I'm supposed to meet this guy, I'll never know.  Sheeet we don't even know what dude looks like.

A couple of weeks past and she says to me, "Hey remember Omar?"  like we really knew dude or some shit.  Well turns out she's was standing in line at the post office behind a guy who she thought was even more perfect for me than the possibly imaginary Omar.  And she knew his government.  Of course my snarky ass says, "Well thats nice that you know his name, but where the fuck do you suppose I'm going to meet him?!"  Weird ass sister comes back with "Google him!"  I'm starting to think that either my sister has stalker tendencies that I knew nothing about, or she really has no faith that I'll be able to find the man of my dreams.  

So, skip forward a couple of days, I'm over at Hautechicks for a visit and decide I'm gonna make a pizza for dinner and want some fresh mushrooms.  Hautechick and the Artist don't have anything to dinner so we all take a trip to Foodtown (one of the local stoopidmarkets).  The line was ridiculous, so I'm standing on line with Hautechick while the Artist (who has the longest legs of the three of us) ran around getting the rest of the stuff that we needed.  Hautechick's running her mouth and I'm only half listening when I spy with my little eye a gorgeous specimen of man candy.  Tall, thin, gorgeous locks I would luv to play in, and I can't take my eyes off of him.  I hear Hautechick gasp then she says, "Oh my Gawd, thats RN! I told you, you would like him!"  It would have been perfect, if it hadn't been for the older woman that was sure not his momma that was with him....

Huge Pain in The Ass

Seriously!  I'm feeling kinda crappy, more on that latah, so I haven't been posting.  Plus mother's day was a huge production - more on that latah also.  But I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive but unemployed and frustrated!  I also wanted to vent about this enormous pain in the ass that has been plaguing me.  I've always carried my stress in my back - knots, spasms, etc - but this pain that I've got is driving me crazy!  It's like a  huge ass cramp! Like I'm clenching my right butt cheek and forgot how to unclench!  I can't sit down and I keep wanting to rub my ass! Or like I've got a leg cramp that migrated north....

The Answers....

1. True - I'm good as long as I don't see the needle
2. True - but in my defense, she never knew I did her man, she suspected but its not like she could ask me straight out.  Well she could have but I think I already established her ass was weak anyway.  Seriously, if thats your homegirl and I'm sleeping with her man, let me know on some real shit not on some "Ooooo let's jump her ass!"  cause its not like I knew.
3. Hell Naw that shit is false
4. Truly
5. True!  I love NYC cause you never know who you'll run into!
6. True - I really really really don't like eggs
7. True - for some strange reason (probably cause the fish know I can't eat them) I always catch a shit load of fish, but someone has to bait the hook and retrieve the fish for me - even touching them makes my throat itchy.
8. False - at least not to my knowledge, but I have been in the room when other people had sex - not by choice, they thought I was sleeping and I couldn't exactly get up and walk out of the room!
9. False - I have dated someone that was 15 years older than I was.  The youngest person that I've dated was 8 years younger than me.
10. Sadly true - I wasn't aware of it when we first started seeing each other, he said they were separated, but not separated enough for my ass.  They still lived in the same house with their two kids....
11. True, but I'm not telling and I doubt you guys could guess who it is....

I think Swag was the only one who got them all right.  Don't know what the questions were?  Go Here

Haven't Done One of These in Awhile

I was on craigslist, looking for jobs when I came across this ad...

Sexy, Open minded, Latina, Middle Eastern or Black
Secretary
Sucessful businessman in search of a hot, open minded personal assistant
for a brand new home office your daily attire will be panties and socks, or
pantyhose, or panties and a tank top...etc. you must be a bit submissive, and
open minded. Latina, middle eastern or black preffered...white girls welcome to
apply. 18-40...hours are flexible...pay is high. send pic and phone number for
details and to set up your personal interview. pretty feet, nice round tits and
a tight ass are definite pluses!
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with
services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 1500 per week
PostingID: 670403933

That's like $78,000 a year if anybody's interested....

Check It...

maybe some of you have noticed that when you click on my profile, it shows that I have more than one blog.  welll, I finally decided to post some of my creative writing on Trouble Ink.  I haven't written in awhile, and as most of you know I have a serious problem with commitments of any kind, so alot of the poetry and short stories that you will find on Trouble Ink will be incomplete or works in progress.  There is only one rule for the new blog - Feel free to criticize or compliment, but if you copy - I'm coming after your ass!

True or False

Blog reader participation time!  below find some statements about yours truly.  its up to you to determine whether they are true or false....

1. even though I absolutely hate needles, I've been inked twice and plan on getting another tattoo.
   
2. once when I was away at college, I was seeing this guy, not too seriously.  I showed up at a small get together with two other guys -friends, and found a whole bunch of my guy's friends including one chick that I thought I was cool with.  I wanted to make sure that they all knew I was just cool with dudes, not banging,  so I approached her and explained, thinking I was coolest with her.  She not only tells dude I showed up drunk with two guys (Everybody was drunk!) but she also tells his other chick (the one that thought they were serious) and tried to set me up to get jumped.  Unfortunately for them, suburban chicks ain't got shit on Bed Stuy when it comes to a good old beat down.  Saw that shit coming a mile a way.  I was feeling a might vengeful after that so (and here's the true or false part) I slept with chick-who-ratted-me-out's man as payback for her running her mouth and starting the whole mess.
   
3. I've been eaten out by another woman
   
4. I can play the trumpet and own an electric guitar and amplifier
   
5. The other week, I was in Katz's Delicatessen (best fucking pastrami in the whole fucking city! also the place where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally) late night and I turn around after ordering my $16 sandwich (you can make two out of it and it is soooooo fucking worth it) and (here's the true or false part) there was Danny fucking DeVito!
   
6. I haven't eaten an egg - scrambled, fried, poached, over easy, deviled or otherwise - since I was 7 years old
   
7. even though I'm allergic to fish, I'm often found fishing and I once got a fish hook embedded in my middle finger
   
8. I've had sex while other people watched
9. I've dated someone who was 23 years older than I was
10. I've dated a married man
11. I have a blog crush

Make your guesses, and I'll provide the answers on Wednesday...

Back to Black

or Brownie as the case may be.  

It was around this time last year that he first got back in touch with me.  It had been about a year and a half since we had spoken that time.  And I was single, and had fired enough brain cells to forget why I had stopped seeing him in the first place, so we hooked back up.  I said to myself (and a couple of you said it too I believe) that there would be no harm in spending some time with him.  And there really wasn't.  But there really wasn't any gain either...

Honestly, I'm probably the last chick that you have to worry about pressuring a dude for a commitment.  So it wasn't that I was expecting a ring or anything even close to that.  Shit, I wasn't even looking for a toothbrush in his bathroom.  All the fuck I wanted is to feel like I wasn't wasting my time.

What do I mean by wasting my time?  Hmm, let's see.  If you invite me out to eat and spend the night at your house, and I'm wearing the hell out of a gorgeous white sundress and some sexy ass platform sandals and you're wearing basketball shorts, socks and sandals, I think you're wasting my time.  If you call and tell me about this comedy show that your going to this weekend and was wondering if you could stop by on your way home from the show, I think you're wasting my time.  (Really dude, why even tell me about the show?  If it's just about ass, why not just wait til you're on your way to the show and then call and see what I'm doing later?)  If I have to take a two fucking trains (LIRR no less) and spend an hour and 20 minutes just to get out to your house and you tell me that your not going to be able to drive me home (last time he saw my ass by the way) then I think you're wasting my time.

So, why was I chilling with Hautechick and the Artist when my phones starts trilling, "we always said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times, you go back to her and I go back to..."

Appropriate, no?  Wellll, would be if I'd actually said goodbye.  I really just stopped returning his phone calls or answering them if I was by the phone.  I just can't understand why he would call me again.  Ok, so I do have a little inkling as to what might have made him take the chance, but the sex wasn't that good.  At least not on my end.  You know, I really really really really miss having my mind blown.  I keep saying that I'll abstain for awhile, absence and fondness and all that jazz.  But all that ends up happening is that I have all of this unused sexual heat and longing that build and build and build until I can't take it any more and I do someone (usually stoopid) and I end up unleashing all of that on them, which to be honest they usually can't handle, but then their smitten or lusty or whatever the fuck you want to call it and then I can't get rid of their asses.  Or its halfway decent but my aggressiveness scares them off.  Punk asses.

But, that's besides the point.  The point is Brownie called me again, after about a year.  And while I'm not horny, ok so I'm not that horny.  Actually forget I said that part at all.  Anyway, I have a lot of free time on my hands, and he has a pool.  And the weathers nice.  And fuck a dress - sweats and a bikini ya feel me.  But I'll be damned if I drag my ass both ways on the LI fucking RR again....

A Peek at My Playlist...

some of the stuff that I'm currently listening to...

I Will Not Apologize - The Roots ft. Porn & Dice Raw, Rising Down (am I the only one that hears Talib on the chorus? for all of my people who understand and truly recognize, some won't get it and for that I won't apologize...)

Lost Desire - The Roots ft. Malik B., & Talib Kweli , Rising Down (BUY THIS ALBUM!!!! I'm exhausted but I'll never ever forfeit, yall just bullshit while I knock a nigger off quick - We on some casualties of war shit, what you stand for kid? We in the city where they definitely lost it-and that ultra smooth outro)

I Like - Guy  (The things you do to meeeeeee, it brings out exctaaaaaaassseee, fucking classic)

The Show - The Roots ft. Common & Dice Raw, Rising Down (did I say BUY THIS ALBUM? I can't stop, I won't stop, I will not, I will rock...)

Touch My Body - Mariah Carey, E=MC2 (cause I'm really wanting someone to touch my body who knows what the fuck their doing, cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous, I will hunt you down!)

Press Play - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (soooo fucking smooth)

Let It Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (you should buy this album too, but then again I'm partial to Snoop)

Take Your Time (Do It Right) - The S.O.S. Band (do I really need a fucking reason for this one?)

SD Is Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (I don't know if I would have named the song that but it gets me hyped)

Just A Touch of Love - Slave (a little bit, 6 minute and 31 seconds of funk and I love when they say a little bit, a little bit)

The Way That I Love You - Ashanti (I repeat, I AM NOT A FAN OF ASHANTI, but I really like this song...)

Sexy Can I - Ray J ft. Yung Berg (I really have no excuse for this one...)

Going On - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I always end up dancing around when this shit comes on)

All Night Long - Mary Jane Girls (hey boy, would you meet me on the roof tonight, I got a surprise for you...)

Soldier - Erykah Badu, New Amerykah (I really haven't gotten too much into this album but I'm digging this track)

A Little Bit Better - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I don't this this album is as good as their last, but its not bad either...)

White Lines - Grandmaster Flash, Melle Mel & The Furious Five (no explanation needed)

Teen Spirit - Nirvana (this is probably one of the most played songs in my ipod, blame private school though I don't think I pick this up from Bubba.  Alvin Ailey ADT actually sampled this song for one of their pieces.)

High Hopes - Frank Sinatra (what?!? it's Sinatra!)

My Moon My Man - Feist, The Reminder (blame Verizon, they had this song all up in one of their commercials and it got stuck in my head, I actually like Feist...)

Naima - John Coltrane (I've always loved this song...)

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk, Discovery (I always embarrass the shit out of Cousin T when we go out and some Daft Punk comes on...)

Lovefool - The Cardigans (Saaaay that you love me!!!)

A Night In Tunisia - Art Blakey, A Night in Tunisia ( I was raised on jazz but I specifically love horns - trumpets, saxophones, coronets, tubas, trombones...)

Trouble says Stand The Fuck Up!

I'm sure you all know about the acquittal of the cops that shot Sean Bell.  If you don't, take your fucking head out of your ass and read a couple of fucking newspapers you asshat!  Seriously, more than one.  Pick up a Newsweek from time to time.  Anyway, on Monday people were asked to wear black in Sean Bell's honor.  I've said this once and I'll say it again, I don't see how wearing black shows any kind of support.  Especially in a city like New York where people routinely wear black all the time anyway.  It gets really hard to tell whose showing support and who just didn't feel like matching colors that morning.  I can steadily rely on the fact that my sister wears black on most Monday's and at least 2 other days out of the week.  That is if she's not sporting all black all week long.  But that's not the point, the point is what I WILL be doing to protest the death of a young black man in a hail of 50 NYPD bullets.  

On Saturday May 3 I will not be spending any money.  No quick trips to the corner bodega, no half priced or better bargains, no ebay, no gas, no IronMan, no ATM trips, not a bloody dime damn it.  I received a text message about the economic embargo on NYC and was asked to pass it along to all people of color in NYC.  But I think I can do a little better than that. I'm asking that all my blog folk pass along the message to all their blog folk to not spend a dime on Saturday.  It's a little bit of inconvenience that will have alot of impact.  Shit, things are so expensive nowadays, you'd probably be doing yourself a favor.  And if you are a business owner and you can do it, keep your doors closed on Saturday.

Honestly, I don't think that most people will do it.  But I'm putting it out there and hoping that you all will prove me wrong...

Love and Hate

• I love watching my god daughter grow up, remembering the first time I saw her, the day after she was born, causing a fuss in the incubator room
• I hate the fact that she failed her fucking social studies test.  Come on kid, it's Social fucking Studies!  I know she can read so what the fuck?!?
• I love that my mom still remembers things that I used to love as a kid and will bring them home to surprise me
• I hate the fact that most of the time, the things she remembers are things that I made myself sick on and no longer eat
• I love my incredibly silly and equally talented brother in law - I swear Hautechick, if you two break up, I'm going with his ass
• I hate the pressure of having to bring home and equally wonderful man of my own
• I love that I have "met" so many wonderful people through my blog - PrettyBlack, LadyShay, Daners, Afro, Anners, Jennifer, The Swagalicious One (Damn! Man puts up a pic of hisself and single female bloggers start to flocking huh?  Must be that swagger man) and everyone else
• I hate that some of you are so fucking far away.  Damn, bitches could really cause some fucking trouble (*tee fucking hee!) if we were within driving distance!
• I love that Shay can smell lavender in FL and I'm smelling gardenia's in NY
• I hate that bitches are getting some and I'm not!  Ok, so not really but I was going with the theme here.
• I love that a bad bitch like me can sleep til 11:30 AND STILL buy a fucking Coach bag when ever the fuck she wants it!  (wanna be a bad bitch? ask me how - I should get that shit made into a t-shirt)
• I hate that I wasn't taking better care of myself while I was working.  There was no got damn reason for me to be that skinny and that stressed out.  For real
• I love that I can feel insecure as fuck some days but I still act like my shit smells like roses
• I hate that I feel insecure at all
• I love that I can cry at the drop of a dime.  
• I hate that dumb chits think that cause there might be tears in my eyes, I won't hit them
• I love how soft the underside of Duke's snout is
• I hate that my Pooper is getting old 
• I love my paradoxes - girly tomboy, conservatively liberal, casually glamorous, well mannered potty mouth, sweetheart bitch of an underachieving success.
• I hate that I haven't found my match yet
• I love that I haven't settled for less than the right man
• I hate that I've never fallen in love yet

Cupcakes and Babies All Night Long!*

*Lady Shay said that to me.  She and PrettyBlack say the damndest things!  I'm still waiting for the right time to use the red velvet line...

• I thought of a time when straight men say cock instead of dick - cockblocking
• PB, not to get into your Tupac vs. Notorious BIG debate, but I just realized that part of the reason why I love Biggie is cause of the way he could tell a story in a rhyme.  I admire the same skill in Slick Rick and Nas
• Personally, I think the greatest rapper alive is Snoop Dogg.  longevity, adaptability, success, and a sick flow
• I did not buy the last two Jay-Z albums, in fact I dont even have bootleg copies
• I am not a fan of Ashanti, I repeat - I am not a fan of Ashanti BUT I can't get enough of that single she's got out now, The Way That I Love You
• I love my dentist - seriously.  I recommend him to anyone that I can.  I'm pretty sure that I've told you all this before but I'm not sure that I told you that Mommy has started seeing my dentist as well.  The first time that I went in after she had been there, the whole office gushed about what a nice lady my mom was.  Then I go in to see Dr. R and he's like, "You and your mom have the exact same jaw structure.  It's amazing!"  The strangest things excite people
• and speaking of teeth, Gutz (Cousin T & SuperSlags play sister) brought her man to MonkeyGirl's recital.  He's aight I guess but dude laughed at something and I got to see all inside his mouth.  It was scary to say the least.  I'm not a fan of people who show you their tonsels when they laugh but did I really need to know that he has a wicked cavity on the inside of one of his front teeth?!?  I think the fuck not
• I think I forgot to mention that one of my interviews was with a super hottie.  I know that they say that imagining your audience naked is a good way to overcome fear of speaking in public.  Well it did help me to relax but all sort of dirty wicked naughty hot thoughts were running through my head.  Good thing I'm one hell of a multi tasker.  About 6'2", nice broad shoulders, thin waist, and dressed.  I swear I heard a "ding!" when he flashed the pearly whites.  Something about pretty brown skin and nice white teeth.  I'm guessing he was Indian or Bangladeshi.  Whatever the fuck he was, it sure made a pretty pretty picture.
• I think I mentioned that I went to a house party with Cousin T. I'm never really quite sure what to make of house parties.  I was pretty sure that this one was gonna turn into one of those ones where there are friends, family, food, drinks, and a card game or two.  The fact that the host mother was there was an indicator.  But she didn't stay long and then the pigeons arrived.  Now when I say pigeon, I'm talking about the chicks that you can find in any city coast to coast.  There about as common in NYC as pigeons.  Sometimes the come in different colors, some may have a slightly different thing going on for them, they might even be domesticated, but they're still just flying rats.  Dirty, common, rude, loud, obnoxious, occasionally useful, sometimes diseased and every fucking where.  
  
• speaking of house party pigeons, I was wearing my Skinny Bitch t-shirt.  The writing on the shirt looks like twigs so I paired it with some skinny Seven jeans (For All Mankind) and some Minnetonka pocahantas boots (tall flat lace up suede boots with a suede fringe at the top.)  This chick comes up to me all drunk, talkinbout "I know right! They all call me skinny bitch at my job, and I'm like FuckYeahIAm!  Right?!?  Them bitches are just jealous they can't look like us!"  Uh, ewwwwww!  First of all, not to be all T-Rexy and shit but fuck it, she wasn't really all that skinny.  Second of all, I think I already said ewwww!  The shirt said Skinny Bitch, not Sloppy Drunk Bitch.
• and since I'm already talking about the party, PYT was there (damn, it took me a minute to remember what I've been calling the damn boy since I haven't been calling the damn boy) and I acted very immaturely.  I ignored his ass all night, that is I tried to.  His boy, who I'm cool with tried to give me shit about it.  PYT was cool for a minute, but thats all he lasted, a minute.  Ok, so maybe it was more like 7...

Dancin for Dollars

I've been kinda worried lately.  Not that I wouldn't find a job, but that my not having a job might make Mommy feel like she has to pick up more of the slack.  I've been sending out resumes, but alot of employers ask what my yearly salary was with XBossMan and then I wouldn't hear from them again.  I met with a couple of placement agency but they were not panning out.  It seems to me that they lure you in with promises of $80,000 plus bonus jobs that never materialize.  Meanwhile they're trying to convince you to interview for jobs that pay a little more than half of that and to lie and say that your last salary was less than it was.  Wouldn't want to discourage the cheapskates now would we?

Then there were the fucking test.  Do you really believe that I've spent the last 7 years working as a personal/executive assistant and I don't know how to use Word or Excel?  It's fucking insulting.  What's even more insulting is that the fucker didn't tell me that you can't use shortcuts during the test, in fact they take off points for using shortcuts, so I got a 90 on a test that I should have gotten 100 on.  Oh, and how about the asshat counselor that wanted me to contact the companies that I worked for 8 and 9 years ago and ask them to confirm the exact dates of my employment.  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  

So I was trying to avoid any employment agency listings.  But one intrigued me.  And I was half way sold when she got back to me and told me that there was no need for me to do any skill testing.  But she had just had a baby and was not working out of the office, would I be willing to meet with her assistant?  Sure, I've always been intrigued by women with male assistants.  The meeting went well, very well.  But I still kept applying to jobs, cause Mommy didn't raise an idiot.  

In my online travels, I came across a couple of jobs that really interested me.  Two weeks ago, one was practically screaming my name.  I mean sooooo right up my ally with some perks that I could reallllllly enjoy.  So I submit my resume, I think it was a Saturday evening or Sunday morning.  I get up early on Monday to head to Tangers with Cousin T (see post below) and Mommy sticks her head out of her apartment sees me and says, "Oh, I thought you were going on an interview."

About 3 hours after that, I'm standing in the middle of the Nike Factory Store and my cell rings, its the HR department for that amazing job that I applied for.  Would I be able to come in on Thursday for an interview?  3 hours after that, my new placement agent calls my cell and ask if I would be interested in a phone interview for a job at a sturdy company.  I say its a sturdy company because there would definitely be job security and a good salary.  The thing is, I'm not really interested in the industry and I would be the second assistant, answering to the first assistant.  I really dont have a problem answering to someone else, but I do have a problem with most women.  I'm not gonna prevaricate, I usually don't like them and they usually don't like me.  I have never been hired by a woman.  Wait thats a lie, when I was 14 I was hired by a woman.  But job security!  So I said yes to the phone interview.

I wasn't sure how it went, its kinda hard to gauge reactions when you can't see someones face, but I didn't think I tanked it.  But I must be very hard on myself, cause my agent called me a short time later to say that the the HR lady loved me and wanted to know if I could come in the next day to meet in person.  So that's how I ended up with two interviews last Thursday, which was also the day it was 87 degrees here in NYC.  And then yesterday I got called in for a second interview at the job that I found on my own.  So things are looking up, but forgive me if I disappear.  Hopefully it means I'm dancin for dollars!

Tangers Outlet

So two weeks ago was gorgeous weather and last week was Spring Break for NYC Public Schools.  Which meant that Cousin T was off of work. YAY!  That meant from the following Friday til this past Saturday, we were hanging out.  We went to a house part two Friday's ago where we got politely drunk and then not so politely made fun of people.  I got to wear my brand new Skinny Bitch t-shirt.  I love that shirt.  And I think I might have said something about wanting to go to Tangers Outlets in Riverhead NY.  There are Tangers all over the country and the one in Riverhead is probably my favorite outlet center in the tri state area.  So Sunday night T calls me and asks if I want to head out there with her and her Mom on Monday morning.  Two words - HELL YEAH!

Ok, so you might be thinking, Bitch don't have a job, what the hell is she doing shopping?  But to be honest, I really didn't spend that much.  Ok so I really shouldn't have gone into the Coach outlet store.  And maybe I didn't really need those navy blue UGGS.  But they were both sooooo cheap that I couldn't leave them and in the past week I managed to wear both of them twice.  The UGGS are the superlow booties and they have been perfect for this reverse spring weather we're having here in NYC.  Really two weeks ago, in the 70s and 80s.  Last week was in the 70s for most of the week then it hit 87 on Thursday.  This week, rainy and in the 60s if were lucky.  And the Coach bag - do I really need to explain about how I feel about Coach?!  (and it was originally over 300 and I got it for about 150.)  I spent about $12 in Old Navy Outlet ( two tank tops, and a v neck sweater - one of the tanks says Drink Until He's Cute) $26 in the Puma Store (a cute pair of brown and pink linen Roma's) about $20 on outfits for NewBabyGirl (I swear I got about 5 outfits!) and about $15 in the William Sonoma outlet on mixing bowls and a spoonula (like a spatula but you can scoop things!)  I found out that both Cousin T and her Mom are obsessed with kitchen gadgets - which is cool cause I am too.

My favorite things by far, were the things that I didn't pay for.  First, was the time I spent with Cousin T and her Mom.  Despite the fact that she's been married to my cousin for most of my life, and has lived around the corner from me for about 4 years, I really haven't spent that much time with Cousin T's Mom.  We had a great time!  And because I gave Cousin T free cupcakes, she bought me a cupcake carrier from Tupperware.  And its turquoise, which is one of my favorite colors!  I love it!  It inspired me so much that I made chocolate cupcakes with fresh amaretto whipped cream and strawberries.  I actually made a mini bundt cake for Cousin T.  Since Hautechick thought my lemon cupcakes were dry, she only got a mini cupcake (which is like one bite) while the Artist got a a jumbo cupcake with cannoli cream (I was experimenting with Ricotta cheese)

Dance MonkeyGirl Dance!

I think I owe you guys about two weeks worth of stories.  The week before last, the weather was so nice that I spent as much time as possible outside.  I spent alot of time being Mommy's garden bitch.  But I also went to the Spring recitals at MonkeyGirls school.  She goes to a school that has programs for both the performing and graphic arts and I think thats great.  I also think that its great that they do not let the children preform if their grades are not up to par.  What I don't think is cool is that there were soooo many children in the audience last time I was there (poor grades.)  What I don't like is that they teach them how to preform, but they don't teach them anything about public speaking.  You get these amazing dancers and singers who had the opportunity to preform at DisneyWorld , graceful as shit til its time for them to tell you about their trip.  Um, ah, em, ummm.  That shit was working my last nerve.

What I also don't like is that had the performance been last week, instead of the week before, MonkeyGirl would have not been able to perform.  Little chit failed her Social Studies test.  I had brought her a new swimsuit but shes not getting shit til she gets her act together.

Also that week was Spring Break for public school kids in Connecticut so Cousin T's lil Cuz C (LCC) was in town.  She's the same age as Monkeygirl and has to be my second favorite 13 year old girl.  She's got 3 brothers, one older and two younger, and I've always loved her for her girly tomboy ways.  Now that she's thirteen, she's also gorgeous, not that she wasn't beautiful before but its become very apparent that her and MonkeyGirl aren't lil girls anymore.  Makes me feel old as shit and hella protective.

So you can imagine my reaction when some lil shits were sitting behind LCC at the performance and were clearly talking shit.  LCC being 13, decided to sit behind us, rather than with us.  She was steadily ignoring that shit, like a junior Bad Bitch, but I was about to jump outta my skin at those lil hating asses.  Cousin T must have read my mind cause she got up and went and sat with LCC with a well heard, "Let me go sit with LCC before I have to knock out someone's child."

More Post Latah...

This is just a reminder to me cause its too fucking nice outside, I wanna go play.  So the posts I had planned to do will have to wait.  Enjoy my notes until then..

• Me Cousin T and her Mommy going to Tangers Outlet in Riverhead (ask me about my new Coach bag that I didn't need but couldn't resist...)
• MonkeyGirls Dance performance and the little bitches mean mugging on my second favorite 13 year old girl (Cousin C) and why she's one of my favorite 13 year olds
• Women with close male friends (Cousin T & J) 
• the state of my job search and how I just might stop looking for a job and start looking for a sugar daddy
• house party with Cousin T and my new Skinny Bitch T-Shirt - "Is the skinny bitch alright?!"
• adventures in target and other retailers (why the hell do people always want to TALK to me!?!  Damn my cuteness!)
• Introducing BluesMan - the closest thing I have to a stepdad, even if he and Mommy aren't together anymore
• the stupidity of tagless panties aka why I had to buy all new underwear (damn you GapBody!)

So stay tuned for more Troublicious fun!  Oh and I did a guest blogger thing over on the Skivvy but a bitch (*Aaaaahautechickhooooo! ) hasn't paid me, and insulted me so I'm not really promoting that shit.  And I was trying to find a job before I came out there PB, so a bitch wouldn't be broke and semi-depressed!  Texas sounds good though!  Just remember LadyShay, no hugging PB!  (and got I hope you got some sand in your ass for me too ShayShay la Funk)

Dear Plasma de fuckwit,

likeable my ass!  you obviously didn't read shit.  I'm a little cocky mouthy broad with a shit load of opinions if you really care to know.  I don't give a fuck about being likeable.  Add that shit to your blogroll and smoke it

Hugs and kisses,

Trouble

How I think

PrettyBlack did a post about Things She's Learnt So Far, and it inspired me.  Here's some shit I think

• Compliments are beautiful things.  Everyone loves to be complimented and sometimes a sincere compliment can go a long way.  And there ain't shit wrong with giving yourself a compliment or agree with a compliment that someone has given you.
• You can be cocky and gracious.  When your agreeing to that compliment, make sure you say thank you cause there is no bitch bad enough to be rude all the damn time.
• Respect your elders, but don't take no shit from them either.  I have this one Aunt that will take the last dollar out your pocket if you let her.  It's not that she needs it, by any means.  It's just that she CAN and WILL do it if you let her.  For some reason she's gotten it into her head that it's her right as an elder.  She even did it to me when I was a kid.  Actually she did it to all of the cousins when we were kids.  I'll never forget the time she beat me with a slipper because I called her on it when I was 10...
• Some dude LOVE a psycho chick.  They don't want a broad who acts normal.  If you don't call them 18 times a day, they think you don't really care about them.  If your not willing to give up everything and everyone for them, they don't think your committed.  If you don't scream and yell at them for some dumb insignificant shit that they did (probably to try and get you to act like a psycho), then you couldn't possibly care about them as much as TheNextChick.  
• Conversely, some chicks LOVE a psycho dude.  If he's not insanely jealous, then he must not care.  If he's not cursing you out or putting his hands on you, then how are you supposed to know that he wants to be with you?  If he's not shady as hell and suspect as fuck, then you don't want shit to do with him.  And heaven forbid he have a job instead of a hustle!
• There is nothing wrong with loving animals and eating meat.  NOTHING!  I love Duke, but if you think I'm gonna stop eating red meat or wearing leather, your fucking cracked.  Humans have been living with and eating and wearing animals since the fucking dawn of time.  The problem is in the wastefulness not the consumption.  The Artist's Dad hunts, but he uses just about every part of the deers that he kills.  Ever had deer jerky?  Antler buttons anyone?  He made the Artist the baddest deerskin jacket.  It's very rustic goes metro
• I FULLY believe in the right to bear arms.  I understand that guns aren't for everyone, but if shit goes down...
• Learning computer programming is cool and shit, but I think that more minorities need to learn skilled trades.  I'm talking carpentry, masonry, and other unionized construction trades.  And lest not forget about other hands on skills like culinary arts, gemology, pattern making/garment production and others.  
• I want to be cremated.  Some of you might think it's morbid for a 30 year old to think about things like what they want done with their remains, but tomorrow is not promised.  And the idea of burying my body just does not appeal to me.  AT ALL.  I've discussed this and my other wishes with Mommy and I know what she would like me to do for her.
• If you are old enough to get your nails done regularly (I'm talking to all you teenage girls with tips or eyelash extensions or whatever have you) then you are old enough to maintain yourself ALL around.  I can not STAND to see these young chicks out here sporting blinged out nail tips with earwax dripping out of their ears.  Or young dudes with $200 sneakers on and a fresh fade with same dirty ears and even worse, they apparently have never thought to take a washcloth to the back of their necks.  Come on people, how are you teaching these kids how to half take care of themselves?!  I mean I remember being a teenager and just knowing that some wackadocious outfit I was wearing was the shit.  I was headstrong and didn't listen to shit anyone tried to tell me about style.  I might have looked crazy as hell on several different occasions, but I was always clean.  Couldn't anyone say that I smelled or was dirty.  The same can't be said for a disappointingly large number of youth that I have come across as of late.
• And speaking of children, I will hit someones child if they step bad to me or mine.  Dead ass.  If some little 13 year old girls jumped my god daughter and I was there to witness, please believe that I will be throwing said little as far as I can.  And should said little girls think to swing on me, I will be swinging back with 25 years of fighting dirty behind me. Parents please raise your children with manners and self confidence and the thought that your children might run into me someday.  I'm not gonna try and kill them, but I will put them in their place if they think to jump bad.  (there is a recent real story behind this - don't worry I'll spill and I didn't have to hit anyone's child.)
• Karma is a man stealing, dog killing, best friend turning, food spitting, car scratching, std riddled, yeasty pantied, $2 whore. beware that bitch

The Where I Was...

So last week was ab-so-lute-ly gorgeous in NYC.  I'm talking perfect late spring type weather.  (If you're not from NYC, than that means upper 70s and sunny, slightly cool at night.)  So I spent alot of time out of doors.  I spent about two days giving Duke a shape up.  Of course, a week later and he looks like he could use another trim.  Then I spent an afternoon with Mommy at our local Lowe's Home Improvement.  I found a exotic houseplant whose common name is Lipstick Rasta so of course I had to get it.  Not to mention that its tendrils look like my hair when I put it in curls.  I paid for Mommy's lil Lowe's adventure and she thanked me for her Mother's Day gift. 

For the past couple of years, I haven't remembered when Mother's Day is.  So instead of missing it and being a jerk, I always try and buy Mommy something in early April just to be safe.  As it turns out, thats also the time that Mommy starts to plan out her garden for the summer, so I usually end up getting her plants or garden related items.  Now when ever I buy her any thing of that sort during the month of April, she adds it to the Mother's Day gift list.  She kind of gets over.

So then the next day we spent in the garden together, planting all the shit she got.  I'm not allowed to plant things with out her permission and can only plant things in the places that she designates.  She's a really strict gardener and shamelessly uses me for cheap labor.  On the up side, my ass and thighs are gonna be right for the summer.  All that damned bending, squatting, and lifting is doing a body good!

The whole time, Duke is laying in the grass doing his best impression of an urban lion.  I wish I could say that old age has mellowed him, but every time someone too rowdy got too close to the gate, he would take off like a bat out of hell and scare the crap out of them.  He finally seems to have tuckered himself out, and here comes this little boy from up the block.  I'm hidden behind one of Mommy's ginormous evergreen bushes, and I hear him say to Mommy, "Excuse me miss, where's your dog?"  Mommy points to Duke, splayed out in the grass, and right on cue, he yawns huge at the kid and rolls his eyes.  I love that dog!

And of course after all that time outside, my hair was dirty.   Didn't smell of anything, but I had been sweating and I can't stand nasty dreads.  Since I was at it I put the curls back in.  That shit took forevah, but they look amazing, if I must say so myself.  Then I made lemon cupcakes with raspberry buttercream icing.  I have to admit that I ate most of them myself, but I did give two to Cousin T, Mommy ate probably one less than I did, and I gave one to Hautechick and one to the Artist.  Everyone loved them, except for Hautechick, the asshole.  I'm on the phone talking to her about the Tupperware that Cousin T brought me (its a cupcake carrier!) and she says, "Why would Cousin T buy something for you?  Oh and I meant to tell you your cupcakes were dry."  I said, "What?!" to give the insensitive chit a chance to rephrase and she says, "your cupcakes were dry"  I hung up on her ass and she has the nerve to call me back and then leave a message repeating that she thought my cupcakes were dry, "since you didn't let me finish."

Dogs are barking

• Hello WorldWideWeb, it's me Trouble!
• so I think I mentioned that Superslag wanted me to bake some Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday.  I quoted her a price, a cheap price I might add- I gave her a discount on my labor as a gift, and she started hemming and hawing just a little bit but said that she wanted the cupcakes.  Then I don't hear from her for about 4 days and she sends me a text message last Friday, talkinbout -If you made the cupcakes, I'll pay you for them when I can but if you didn't make them yet, can we cut down the number you make?  She originally wanted 2 orders, so I said fine, just let me know when you want them and I'll tell you when I need the money by.  I know her well enough that there was no way in hell I was going to bake the cupcakes without having the money in hand.  So it's Wednesday and I get a call from Teeth (formerly CoHo - Cousin T's other sister - if you need a reminder, she used to have no teeth in her mouth and now she's got these big blindingly white joints and I'm not sure she can close her mouth fully) and she says that she's gonna pay for the cupcakes.  She stops by my house the next day to drop off the money and she says some shit about how SuperSlag was complaining that she wasn't going to have any cake or cupcakes for her birthday so thats when Teeth decided to call me.  Saywhatnow!  That's why I waited, cause she would have had me make the shits and never said a word that she didn't have the money for them.  Teeth tried to throw some shade my way insinuating that I wouldn't be able to make the cupcakes as promised, "Are you SURE you're going to be able to make them?"  I came back with the deadpan, "Why wouldn't I be able to make them?" and that shut her up.  But that brings me to the next bullet in the post...
• So I get up on Friday, and head to the StupidMarket to get ingredients.  This is the second time I'm making them, so I'm pretty confident in my skills and figure I can experiment a little more this time.  I also figure it should be no problem doubling the recipe.  I get home, setting up to start and here comes Mommy.  "So, are you going to do one batch and then set up for the second?"  "No, I was just going to double the recipe and do it all in one shot."  "Oh, well if you THAT confident."  Suddenly I'm not!  I swear, mothers are put on this Earth in part to teach us humility.  I was a little shook, but I continued on with the game plan.  15 minutes later, I had a gorgeous batter and was ready to start cupping.  25 minutes later and I had about half the cupcakes I needed ready to go in to the oven.  25 minutes after that I had the whole order ready and put them in to bake, but I still had a nice amount of batter left.  So I started filling cups and ended up with a nice little snack for the weekend.  After I took all the cupcakes out of the oven I let them cool and ate lunch with Mommy, who stole the first cupcake bite (I found these little mini cupcake cups, which are perfect when you have just a lil batter left.)  After lunch I used my pastry bag to ice them bitches.  They were ready to go at 5.  If I could increase my speed cupping, it wouldn't be so bad.
• now, its like 7, Duke and I are out in the backyard, enjoying the gorgeous spring day and my phone starts singing Chocolate Rain.  It's Teeth, she wants to know where I am.  At home why?  Oh, you didn't finish the cupcakes?  They've been ready since 5, why?  Oh, cause I'm at SuperSlags and I was wondering where you were.  ERRRRRRRRRK!  wait a minute, this bitch told me yesterday that she would stop by my house and help me bring the cupcakes to SuperSlags.  Now, I'm stuck getting damn near 40 cupcakes over to her house.  Granted it's only 4 blocks away, but still.  So I tell her I have to take a shower and I'll be there when I can.  Thank God for Mommy!  Out of the blue, she comes up with this huge plastic platter that will fit all the cupcakes.  She actually got it out of the garage, she was using it for plants.  But she washed it for me and I covered it with tin foil and strolled my ass on down the hill.
• If I was ever serious about selling my cupcakes, all I would have to do is walk around on a nice day with a huge tinfoil covered platter.  It was dark out when I went and I still had about 4 people ask me what was on the platter on my way to SuperSlags. And I think only one of them was hitting on me.
• Cousin T was actually going to come get me when she heard that Teeth left me in the lurch, but I told her not to worry about it.  I hate that she always has to pick up the slack for her sisters so I try not to burden her with the shit the fuck up with.  It helps that I limit my interaction with her sisters.  Plus she had some conditioner in her hair and would have had to come out with a plastic cap on. 
• I get there and everybody is floored by the big platter.  A couple of people also spoke up that I had to walk over there with the platter on my own.  Baba (my cousin, Superslag, Teeth, and Cousin T's dad) is all about the cupcakes.  "Everybody eat so we can have cupcakes!"  And I'm starting to feel nervous cause there are alot more people then there were when MonkeyGirl had her birthday party, and alot of them are very opinionated - to say the least.  And then we're singing and everybody gets a cupcake and it gets kinda quiet then Baba says "I think these are better than last time!"  And I can relax and finally taste one and damn! if I didn't do the damn thing all over again!
• sooooo, remember WackThug, SuperSlag's baby daddy?  wait, thats an understatement, he's the dude that she accused me of sleeping with (her cousin and close friend despite all her bullshit) threatened me over then went on to have a baby by.  well she kicked him out.  Seems her playsister and company caught him out with the next chick and SuperSlag said enough, at least for now.  She kinda made sure that I knew he was gone but I can't say that I'm surprised or that it changes anything between us.  Your chicks before dick, especially when your family.  As if I would ever want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with her.  In my mind that says something about a  dude when he chooses a woman like that, and it ain't something good.  Sure, she's my family, thats why I could overlook alot of her bullshit, but it doesn't mean I was blind to it.  Fuck, I got the closest look at it sometimes...
• and I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could, said I had to go feed Duke, which was true.  SuperSlag asked me if I was coming back after I fed it and I said, "Probably not" and was out with Cousin T and my old buddy Butter (we used to be cool but all I'll say is you can't travel with everybody - that was years ago though)
• my fucking feet are killing me!  I gotta invest in one of those kitchen floor mats that take the strain off of your feet

April Showers

This past Sunday was the first Brooklyn Flea Market.  Going to the flea market with my Mom and Hautey as a kid rates high as one of my favorite things to do as a child.  I even remember going with my Dad and buying pickles from the pickle man.  Dude would be out there (we mostly went to the one at Aquaduct Racetrack, but there were a few others) with like 12 huge barrels filled with different types of pickles.  Daddy used to let me choose my own, but he always let me taste his.  Then there was the sausage and peppers truck, and the zeppole man.  Oh, and the lady with the cheesecakes.  And the italian ices and candied apples.  And occasionally I could talk someone into letting me get cotton candy.  Needless to say, food played a major part in my flea market experiences and thusly (ha! I said thusly!) I really liked going.

So maybe two weeks ago, Mommy's reading the paper and she comes across an article about the new Flea Market thats coming to Brooklyn to be held on the track field at Bishop Laughlin Memorial High School.  Mommy told me that all of the spaces for the first flea market had already been filled with some pretty fancy vendors including that truck that makes belgian waffles.  The whole shebang was put together by  Brownstoners so I figured it wouldn't be anything like the pickle and sweat sock extravaganza's of my youth.  So Mommy called Hautey and we all decided to go together.  Jeanie was chilling with her girls!

The day started off wonderfully, Mommy made Buttermilk Waffles (from scratch cause you know I had to get that shit from somewhere) on her old fashion waffle iron.  You know the kind thats really iron or some other metal, and heavy enough to put a serious dent in someones skull.  The kind you put directly on the burner.  Damn those things were good!  Duke even got one.  Then we hopped in a cab, picked up Hautey and were on our way!

Now, after it all being said and done, theres something to be said for the pickle and sweat sock experience.  What good is a flea market if you have to empty out your savings account to pay for the stuff you like?  I mean the lady with the Marrameko fabric was great.  And so was the lady with the homemade ricotta cheese - I think I just read about her in New York Magazine, Hautey got some and is making me really jealous that I didn't buy some.  And I saw some really cool doors - but the thing about the doors is that some contractor probably ripped them off of some sweet old womans house calling himself doing her a favor and getting her a brand new (ie cheap) door and hauling the old messes away.  But what that sweet old woman doesn't know is, he's gonna strip them, clean them and sell them at a flea market for $4,500 (or was it $5400?).  Then I saw some really nice Danish Modern furniture that I think I might have seen on ebay for half the price.  Oh, and lets not forget the stalls and stalls and stalls of so called "unique" baby clothes.  Cause lord forbid we dress our hipster children in the Gap or some other chain store or brand name!  We want our children to be individuals!  So they all wear the same damned white onesie with a screen print of some old school headphones on it.  Or a microphone.  Or a skateboard.  Or an urban skyline.  Or a stylized monkey - wait, that one was hella cute actually.  But my point is the were all the phucking same you morons!  And I haven't brought for babies lately, but I'm petty sure the onsies are less expensive at the Gap.  Sheet you really wanna be unique buy some white onsies and screenprint them bitches yourself!  Some stiff cardboard, an exacto knife and a little fabric paint and BAM! one of a kind baby onsie.  It's not rocket science.

On the upside, there was no fighting or bickering or name calling.  Even Mommy behaved.  And we walked home so we were all pretty pooped come evening.  But I'm still kinda pissed I didn't get a pickle.