A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood...

As a little kid, I was only allowed to watch a couple of things on tv. Anything from Jim Henson (Fraggle Rock, The Muppet Show, and especially Sesame Street), anything cultural (I know that somewhere in my family's stuff there is a Beta Max tape of Alvin Ailey performing Firebird with Judith Jameson dancing the lead), Mister Rogers, Electric Company, basically anything that came on Channel 13. So from time to time, you will catch me quoting Bert and Ernie (does anyone else remember Ernie and the Magic Cookie? now that was an album!), or Big Bird or Fozzy, or Miss Piggy...

Anywho, did anyone beside myself and Hautechick notice the bounty of beautiful black men that were outside yesterday? I mean it was a virtual cornucopia of goodies out there ladies. I keep saying that I need to start carrying a digital camera with me, but I have the feeling that would probably lead to trouble (*tic)

So, full on eye candy I made my way home and lo and behold an empty C train. Wonderful, right? Wrong! I noticed that when I was on the platform this dude was staring at me. Now, I'm not completely superficial, so it wasn't that he looked like a short bus rider. Special folk have needs too right? It was the fact that he was staring at me like I would imagine men stare at the women who work in those XXX rated booths on 42nd Street (at least that's where those booths used to be, who knows where they are now). I had to look down and make sure that I still had on the white pants and blue and white stripped puff sleeved button down that I left the house in. Sure enough I was not wearing my freakum dress, so I figured it was a deficiency on his part.

So now we are on the empty C train and you would think that the wierdo would sit across from me so he could continue to stare. No he wants to sit in my lap. Just him and me sitting on the entire bench and he keeps scooting closer. Of course I keep scooting away and then another guy and a woman come to sit on the bench. The woman was trying to sit in between us and the guy sat on the other side of me, at the end of the bench. So of course, he scoots over so that he is sitting right next to me (thighs touching and everything which is totally unnecessary since like I said THE TRAIN WAS EMPTY. Not that I like touching strangers even when the train is crowded. There is nothing worse to me than somebody rubbing their sticky sweaty arm on my nice dry one). And of course she's looking at me like "Control your man." And I'm looking at her like "Sorry to have to do it to you!" as I scoot my narrow ass down so that I'm sitting next to the other dude and she doesn't have a choice but to sit next to Dr. Strangelove. Now of course other dude is looking at me like "Why the hell is this crazy broad scooting down here, when the got damned train is empty?" And politely got the hell away from my ass as the next stop. And the older black woman sitting across from me is looking like she is about to bust a gut trying not to laugh at me.

I'm only about 110 pounds soaking wet, so for some reason people (and by people I mean FAT people) always seem to think that they can squeeze in next to me. On a couple of occasions when people ask me if I would mind if the squeezed in, I have said, "Yes, actually I do mind. Exactly where is it that you think you will fit?" And those that don't ask and just think that I will move when their enormous asses start descending need to think again. You will get the unique experience that I call "Operation Bony Ass Elbow in Your Fat Gut!" Or the people who think that perching on the end of the seat isn't a pain in the ass to the people sitting on either side of them. Seriously, if you so desperately need a seat, wait for an empty fucking train you morons! And just because you've been on your feet all day is not a reason for me to feel sorry for you and give up my seat or my comfort. How the hell do you know that I wasn't on my feet all day? And don't get me started on the older folks. I'm not talking about sweet old men and women who don't say anything but so deserve a seat. (These are the people that I stand up for, you know the ones that go "No no I'm only going a few stops". And I always make sure to shame whatever dude is sitting close by but didn't give up their seats) I'm talking about those hard ass living folks that look like their in the 70s but are really only about 50. A few wrinkles do not earn you my respect.

Oh and to the sour pussed West Indian lady that gets off at my stop and likes to step in front of the whole entire door to keep anyone from getting off before her, even though it takes her like 10 minutes to get up the stairs: Keep your old ass on your side of the door and out of my way or next time I will do more than bump into you. I am not above tripping an evil ol' heifer!

(* by the by I didn't know that heifer is actually a young cow, usually over 1 year, that has not given birth - but I still think it applies)