Richmond

A couple of weeks ago Four asked me to go to a wedding with him. So I'm currently in Richmond, VA sweating my ass off for a couple of reasons. First reason, it's hot as the hinges of hell down here. Second reason, it's the first time that I have gone out of town with a man. Third reason, it's a wedding and for some reason all of my friends think that its a big step in our relationship that he invited me to a wedding. Fourth reason, Chick-fil-A next door to a 5 Guys - I'm in fattening fast food heaven!I could probably continue the list of my anxieties into infinity but it seems pointless.

I actually spent most of yesterday alone because Four was coming from a consulting job so we took different planes into town. It was actually good cause it gave me time to calm my nerves. He's back so moe later!

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship.  We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day.  This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro.  Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was.  He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while.  He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance.  One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out!  Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to.  On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along?  Most definitely.  I put alot of thought into my outfit.  Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag.  Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female.  So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt.  Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go.  Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me.  I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.  

Four gives great hugs.  I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch.  But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it!  But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner.  We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there.  Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing.  But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side.  We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance."  That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?"  But no the second thing is not true.  I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.)  So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four.  I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling.  Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted.  Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice.  And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go.  We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great.  We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either.  He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that.  He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off.  Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date.  I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like?  So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door.  For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs.  It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss.  So what do I do?  I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him.  You'd be wrong.  Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me.  You'd still be wrong.  You know what my smooth ass does?  I mush him!

Whatever doesn't kill me...

This past year has really been a test for me in all aspects of my life.  Career, education, personal relationships, self esteem - it all went to shit.  But I'm thankful for all the crappy things that I went through.  The second lay-off proved to be a blessing in disguise, although truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasted alot of times thinking hateful things at that woman. (sidebar - what kind of idiot hires back someone who quit less than a year before to go follow their dreams?!? but at this point I laugh at her stupidity and wish the two of them all that they deserve) And that just sent off a spiral of realizations.

I spent all of my energy and time working and I neglected myself to the point where I wondered if I would be able to pick up the pieces.  Stopped going to school to finish my degree because I was "needed" at work.  And all for what?  Nothing that had any real value to me as an individual.  Buying the house was about the only thing that was worthwhile from that whole career woman endeavor.  I sacrificed alot of relationships in order to be there for a man that was paying my bills (BossMan) but did nothing else for me.  I realized alot about myself last September.  First and foremost was that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are alot more people out there in worse situations than I was in.

Second thing that I realized was that I really didn't like the work that I had been doing.  Sure, being a personal/executive assistant was easy for me, especially since I've always been able to keep smiling no matter what the circumstances, but it wasn't anything that I was passionate about.  I also realized that I missed my drive, my passion, my reason de etre.  I missed being creative and relatively carefree.  I missed waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and I was determined to get that back in my life.

Then I realized that I have a tendency to over think things.  There was a time when the people who know me would describe me as adventurous or spontaneous.  I was famous for leaping without looking but somehow always making it work.  Not so true anymore.  I wondered when I became such a worry wort and somehow I managed to start worrying about that!

I took a look back at my life and saw that I've been working full time since I was 19 and decided it was time for a break.  Especially when I realized that I have never been on unemployment in my life.  Six months was the longest time that I had ever been out of work and I'm not sure that counts since I was still being paid.  So I decided to take some time off.  Time off from work, time off from worry, time off from the things that stole my joy.

So I went back to school in January, and maybe it was the leap without looking part of me that made me think I should take 5 classes (one writing intensive) my first semester back in about 6 or 7 years.  Well guess what?  I kicked ass!  Turned out a 29 page research paper that I still can't believe that I pulled off and so far I've got 2 A's and 2 A-'s (still waiting for that fifth grade.)  Two more classes and an internship (that I actually already did) and I'm done with my BA.  Decided to go for my masters in Urban Planning or Affairs (haven't quite decided which one) and I'm thinking maybe about teaching - got an offer to assistant teach Urban Studies at the high school I graduated from - no pay, but I think I will really enjoy doing it.

I've reconnected with alot of people (thanks facebook) and put myself out there and made alot of new friends.  Speaking of reconnecting, I'm actually seeing someone now who makes me extremely happy - someone that I've known for years.  Had we reconnected last year this time, I'm pretty sure that I would have screwed it up, but so far so great.  He really makes me feel incredibly special and sexy and I'm pretty sure that I make him feel the same way.  But we are taking it slow because regardless of what happens between us, I don't want to lose him again.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to.  Reevaluating, readjusting, relearning and most importantly living.  What the fuck have you guys been up to!?!?!

Kisses bitches!

Yours truly, Trouble

Somethings

So I reallly try hard not to hate on GP, so when I found myself disliking Sarah Palin, I had to explore my reasoning.  So I did a little research.  Now, I want to start off by saying a couple of things.  I'm not a democrat.  That right, Trouble is a proud Independent.  I actually voted for Ralph Nader in the last election.  (my reasoning, not that I need to justify my decisions, was that since I couldn't get behind either of the candidates on the major party tickets, I would try and lend my vote to getting the green party a voice in the next election.  Didn't work and were still stuck in a pseudo democracy, but it's not for lack of trying on my part.)  While I voted for Hilary Clinton to become a senator in New York, I never considered her a viable candidate for President.  (for me she had her chance when Bill was in office and for that matter so did he.  let's try something new since the old shit is obviously not working.)  I do feel that as a country, our moral character is atrocious, but I don't think that religion is the answer or has a place in government.  (and yes I cannot help but hold the mother accountable for the actions of the daughter.  that however has absolutely nothing to do with politics.)  

Now, on to what I don't like about the Republican vice presidential nominee.  Ok, fine the average American does take more than 4 years to finish college, and most of us I'm sure have gone to more than one college.  But that just it,  the AVERAGE American.  I don't think that anything about our President in Waiting (cause lets be honest dude is reallly old and his health is not the best.  in fact John McCain is something like 23 years older than the state of Alaska) should be average.  We're talking about the so called leaders of the free world.  They should be fan-fucking-tastic in every damn way.  Exceptional even.  Not former weather girls or whatever she was.  Yeah we had presidents who were actors, but actors have to actually memorize line.  Television reporters read from teleprompters.  I'm not knocking television reporters, there are some exceptional ones, but she wasn't one of those either now was she?

And I know this is totally irrational and somewhat petty, but fuck it I'm entitled to my opinion, I hate her style.  It's tacky.  The "oh I'm so busy and unconcerned with my looks but make sure my bangs look good" hairstyle drives me insane.  I was so fucking happy to see a picture of her with her hair down it was ridiculous.  And I know that she's worn glasses since she was a little kid, but I still feel like she wears them so that people will take her seriously.  Besides that I hate them.  Whats the point of a rimless lens only to have that big metal side bar.  The dude who makes them was like, oh thats nice that she made my glasses popular, but don't think I'm backing her or anything.  (not a direct quote, but he really did say that - check the associated press if you like.)  And then there's this picture of her sitting in what they say is her office (there's a whole debate going about her taste in decorating, but some people say thats not her office)  in what have got to be the ugliest pair of red wedge flip flops.  That really bothers me, I mean flip flops and Alaska just don't go together in my mind.  But beyond that, you telling me Haviana's won't deliver to the Governor of Alaska?  Come the fuck on, you can do better.

And that exactly the point.  I'm no where near what you would call a McCain fan, but he could do soooo much better.  It's like Jason Bourne said, it's like a bad fucking Disney movie.  Actually it's more like one of those knock off Disney-type movies.  I bet old Mike Eisner rejected 50 stories similar to this.  And worse,  I'm pretty sure the rest of the fucking world are continuing to laugh at the stooopid fucking Americans (hey, completely random but you know Bucket is a great replacement for saying Fuck It and just as much fun!)  

Let's take a minute to talk about First Dude.  So not cool.  We are supposed to believe that Palin is this independent career driven woman that lets nothing stop her, and yet her husband always with her to the point that he's billing the state of Alaska for his time?  Just how much influence is he going to have?  The press has had a field day talking about the other spouses, even went so far as to call Michelle unAmerican but not so much info out there about Todd.  I've heard that he was/may still be part of a group that would like for Alaska to secede from the United States, but I'm not sure if thats true.  Regardless, I would like to know more.

I'm really just kind of hoping she goes the way of Geraldine Ferraro, I can't even remember whose running mate she was supposed to be.

Fashion for Change

Oh. My. Gawd!  I just absolutely must have/will wither without the following items.  Seriously.

• Marc Jacob's Obama '08 Button Tote Bag - $75
• Rag & Bone's Change is Awesome Tote Bag - $75 (yes I need two tote bags!)
• Tracy Reese's Obama '08 Black Ladies Long Sleeve T - $70
• Nanette Lepore's Hope Anchor With Pin Ladies T - $65 (OMFG I lurv her!)

There are also t-shirts by cutie patootie Pharrell Williams, Juicy Couture (Dude, Where's The Hope?),  Alexander Wang, Zac Posen, Narciso Rodriguez, Vera Wang, Maria Cornejo (i really like hers too), Russell Simmons, Tory Burch (which would look absolutely adorable with some cuffed jeans and a pair of her ballet flats) and more people who I either don't feel like typing, don't know or don't care for.

A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

The Rat

So I'm at Nostrand Avenue train station, which is just about as bad as Utica for sighting rats.  I'm walking toward the back of the Express platform because even though I need the local, I know that downstairs is like, I can't even come up with something its like cause its like nothing else you've ever seen.  Rats every fucking where.  And bold as shit too, don't think that stomping your foot is going to scare them off.  So, I'm walking towards the back of the train and I see dude sitting there and I'm thinking that I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting on the stairs with as many rats as there are at Nostrand.  And just as I think that I see a rat by the edge of the platform.  I'm still kinda far, Nostrand Ave is a long ass station, but it looks like the rat is closer to me than the man is.  So I keep walking and as is my way, my mind starts to wonder.  Where the fuck it goes, I haven't the foggiest, so if you come across it, just make sure it doesn't cause too much damage.  (I was going to say trouble, but you were expecting that weren't you?)

I had my iPod with me so I'm sure I was singing along to something.  All of a sudden I see the man jump up about 5 feet in the air and I see the rat running away.  What.  The. Fuck.  Right?  I mean did I really just see that.  Did I really just see that rat sneak up on the dude and try to crawl up his shorts?!?  Yes.  The.  Fuck.  I.  Did.  And nearly passed the fuck out for him.  I mean the leap in the air, in retrospect, was hilarious.  But I couldn't even laugh because I was so fucking disgusted.  So dude says to me, "You didn't just see that!  You can not tell anyone one that you saw me scream like a girl."  And I'm all private school snarky ass black chick with the, "Seriously are you kidding me?!?  It was a fucking rat in your pants!   I sooooo saw that and I'm soo writing about it on my blog!"

The Whatnot

If you were wondering where I've been, I was severely depressed after LadyShay came to New York, turned me on to the ways of Sapphic love and then abandoned me.  After which I briefly stalked Taimak from the Last Dragon, which lead me to discover the death of Julius Carry which further deepened my depression.  The situation was further exacerbated (whoa, I spelled that right on the first try- and I'm about to use it correctly!) when I discovered that two of the most disgusting, unattractive people I know are getting married (If a woman who has no problem spreading her thighs on the beach so that she can pick at her numerous razor bumps and I guy who has so many cavities that he doesn't even have to open his mouth for you to see them can find love, why the fuck can't I?  Probably cause my ass is way too picky for some of these half assed dudes...) The depression abruptly lifted upon discovering the deliciousness that is Peaches (a restaurant) and smothering my blues in copious amounts of Chicken Fried Chicken from the Comfort Diner, Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries from 5 Guys (I am obsessed with 5 Guys - The Artist calls them crackburgers), spoiling my Mom with a Mojito soaked lunch at Cabana, discovering the funnocity that is Wii, washing an incredibly big dog who hates water and throwing myself into my work.  You would think that I'd have gained some weight, but you'd be wrong, tummy's still 100 good sit ups away from a 6 pack.  Ahh it is wonderful to be naturally thin. (and don't worry that food was supplemented with organic heart healthy oatmeal for breakfast and plenty of fruits and vegetables!)  

Smooches Hooches!

You Know What's Good?

• Adele's album 19
• Creme Puffs from Beard Pappa
• The Treats Truck
• the softness of my sister's afro
• gorgeous brown babies
• me in one of my favorite outfits (I have about 20)
• well groomed little girls in pretty simple dresses
• that gorgeous chocolate man that I work with that called me Lady Trouble when he introduced himself to me - swoon fucking worthy
• the fact that my job has absolutely no problem with coworkers getting it on
• my Momma's limeade 
• that Paul Frank Julius hoody with the puppets on the sleeves 
• love
• that moment right before orgasm when your breathe catches and the world seems to stop
• sweaty sated bodies intertwined
• watching Katee and Will dance the Pas de Deux choreographed by Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden again, even with the flight flub on the turn the first time it was still so much better than good
• me on top

SuperSlagalicious!

That's not to be confused with the Swagalicious one

One day, I'm on my way to work and the trains were all kind of fucked up. Luckily I end up practically chest to chest with this dreaded wonder that was about 6'4".  Unfortunately I was too close to look at his face without him knowing full well that I was looking at his face, so I'll just have to imagine that he was cute.  15 minutes and 1 whole stop later (despite what you may think about NYC, that is definitely not the norm) I feel a tap on my shoulder.  I manage to wiggle around and who should it be but my infamous cousin SuperSlag.  I really want to be snarky after her whole "I will do whatever I have to so that I don't ever have to take the train again" spiel about 5 years ago.  But in reality I'm kind of proud that she returned that ugly ass Jag rather than have it repossessed - like her other cars.  (ooops!  I guess I just can't contain the snark)

So she gets off at her stop and I continue on my journey.  Get off to transfer trains and there is literally a sea of people heading away from the platform that I'm heading to.  Nobody bothers to mention to the people heading up the platform that the trains aren't running until I run into Keek - one of SuperSlags bestest since like the early 80s.  Now I will say this about SuperSlag, I really can't knock most of her friends.  I'm not talking about the people that she brings around.  I'm talking about people that she's been hanging out with for like evah.   Like me actually or even Cousin T.  Her other bestest, E is also cool as hell.  Anyway, Keek tells me what's going on with the trains (somebody passed the fuck out on the train and service was suspended) and she's heading the same way as me so we head on uptown together using another train (and another fucking transfer damn it!)

I tell her its crazy that I ran into her cause I just saw SuperSlag on the train, and she hits me with a very suspicious "Really."  I ignore the interesting tone and continue on with, "Yeah two people I never see on the train and I run into both of you within 10 minutes of one another!"  What can I say, I can be chipper as fuck and play ignorant like the best of them.  I didn't know what had happened, but obviously something was up.  Keeks goes on to tell happy sweet Tiki (she's known me since I was a kid, and I really am a sweetheart to people I like.  Problem is I don't like most people.) that she's about to take SuperSlag to court for the $2000 she loaned her back in the beginning of the year.  Turns out when SuperSlag needed to find a new apartment it was Keek's uncle that let her move into one of the houses that he owns.  Turns out that after WackThug left SuperSlag, Keeks was the one to bring her food when she found out from her cousin that lives downstairs that SuperSlag hadn't been out of the apartment in about a week.  Turns out that when SuperSlag couldn't pay her rent a couple of months later, it was Keeks that loaned it to her - something that no one in the family knew.  (I can honestly say that at one point or another, just about all of her family members have lent her money to pay rent ect. and not gotten a penny of it back, myself and Mommy included.)  Turns out that Keeks even gave her a couple of months to pay it back.

And you know what SuperSlag does?  She stops answering the phone when Keeks calls and then she stops answering the phone when E calls too.  She's avoiding her bestest like the plague.  So she's getting sued.  And you just might get the chance to watch it on Judge Judy!

Rock me sexy jesus...

...never heard the song, but everytime I hear the title I always giggle.  

Sooo, TheJob is spanking my ass.  And since I love a good spank, I adore TheJob.  The challenge, the people, the candy.  I got it though an amazing temporary agency that I would love to recommend to people in the NYC area, but I gotta see a copy of your resume first, cause I'm not sending them duds, ya feel me.  That's also why I'm not posting the name of the agency on my blog.  Anyway, I'm working hard, using a good 80% of my brain, which is a huge gain over the maybe 2% I was using at the old place.  It's not a cake walk, but then again I would probably hate it if it was.  Because of that whole actually using my brain thing, I might not be as on it as I once was way back when, but I will continue to post.  

And I promise that sometime this weekend I will catch back up on my blog reading...

Whew!

Ok, 4 post in one day.  I think that should be enough to get you through the week.  But I got one more story.  Ok, 2 more stories that I think you'll enjoy...

• So its hot as the hinges of hell in New York right now.  Has been for the last 3 weeks or so.  And humid as shit!  So I woke up on Saturday and took Duke outside in the backyard and decided that he looked hot and needed a haircut.  Now I should point out that I've given Duke a haircut a couple of times and it generally comes out looking good.  Not so this time.  I don't know if it was because I was hot (I mean I was sweating buckets out there!)  or because Duke was hot (he kept fidgeting) or because Mommy jinxed me ("Wow, it really looks like you know what your doing!"  that was about 5 minutes before I took entirely too much off of his back left leg.  Then he wouldn't give me his back right leg so that I could at least even it out!)  Needless to say, my poor Pooper looks a mess.  So bad that everytime I see him I say "Awwww, I'm sorry!"  At least he's a lot cooler now.  I, on the other hand, gave myself heat stroke out there cutting all that fucking hair off.  I was thisclose to passing the fuck out.
• After the heat stroke/bad doggy haircut debacle, I decided that I was going to take it easy on Sunday.  Go get a mani/pedi and then go pick up dinner so that Mommy wouldn't have to cook.  I was going to say Mommy or I, but who am I kidding, I'm allergic to the stove in the summer.  So I get the mani/pedi (no thank you, designs are fine for some people, but fuck no I don't want polka dots on my toes!) and then stop at the ATM and hop on the train at Kingston/Throop to go get some food.  I walk towards the back of the platform, but not too far cause I don't want the rats to get me.  I'm waiting, I'm waiting.  Everything copacetic until the train comes cause it brings a big ass rat with it!  The rat in on the platform running from the train and heading right the fuck for me!  I can admit I screamed a la Mariah, but I bet any of your asses would have done the same damned thing if you saw a NYC subway rat charging up the platform at your ass!  So I'm screaming and running away from the rat and the people waiting in the middle of the train platform and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, UNTIL they see the rat then those mutherfuckers start hitting high notes too.  So the train stops and the people getting off the train are looking at the people on the platform like we all lost our minds.  AND then, they see the rat and a couple of them seriously looked like they were contemplating hopping right the fuck back on the train.  That is until it looked like that was what the rat was going to do too...

Oh shit, I just remembered that I had a CWAAZZZY story to tell you about SuperSlag - somebody remind me...

The Boys...

...Hi Swag!  Hi Torrence! 

I can't help it Lady Shay!  I have always loved males.  Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me.  So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males.  In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male.  When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy.  I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl.  By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block.  Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet.  Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys.  And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend.  I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have.  I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one.  Not to replace what I have mind you.  

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys.  Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys.  Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.)  Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls. 

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me.  Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl.  Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me.  Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day.  Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride.  Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass.  Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Brownie

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend.  I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run.  I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday.  (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.)  Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside.  (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.)  Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep.  (Well, it was!)  Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down.  But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.  

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time.  It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time.  I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done.  And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying.  I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me.  You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me.  Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell!  Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie.  Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T.  (which sounds like something I would say.)  And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him.  "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me!  I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Buggy

Despite my tom-boyish tendencies as a child, there was always one thing that could make me turn into a shrieking girly mess, bugs.  I hate them, all of them.  Butterflies are pretty to look at, but let one of those mutherfuckers land on me, and I will hit a high note like Mariah.  I don't care if its harmless, or pretty, I don't want it to touch me. 

So naturally bugs flock to me in hives.  I don't have ants in my apartment, or even roaches.  I get fucking centipedes, one of the most horrid bugs in my opinion.  Not only are they multi-legged but they are also kinda slimy and thus EXTREMELY GROSS!  One night I left a glass of limeade by my bed in a big red plastic cup (what I think of as a party cup.)   I wake up in the middle of the night, grab the cup and got a little something extra with my sip.  No, it wasn't tequila, IT WAS A FUCKING CENTIPEDE IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!  But I didn't realize it at first, thought it might have been a bit of pulp.  Good thing I can't stand pulp.  Bad thing I spit it out in my hand and turned on the light to see what it was.  (I can admit now that if anyone else had been in the apartment with me when this happened, they probably would have laughed their ass off at my antics, but seriously it was a bug in my mouth!)  Lots of listerine, lots of tooth brushing, lots of willies....

Then the other night, I get out of bed to go potty and I step on something kind of squishy.  I'm really hoping that Duke spit a piece of food out on the floor.  Of course not.  I killed the summabitch, but I still stepped on the damn thing with my bare foot.  Needless to say my right foot was scrubbed til it was pink like a white babies bottom, and just as soft.

Boo!

Yes I know it's been awhile.  And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

• Almost got back with PYT
• Got back with Brownie
• Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
• Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
• hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
• hung out with Bubba a couple of times
• saw Grant Hill!  (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine.  No disrespect Tamia)
• went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
• found a temp agency that actually got results.  as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them.  as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell.  as in bitch got two offers...
• oh, did I mention I got a job?
• got a kick ass job
• got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position 
• did some serious shopping on a budget
• ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning.  Congratulations on the baby boy!
• went to a couple of parties
• i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember.  hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
• made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday.  It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over. 
• got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body.  I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing.  I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you.  And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.  
• told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
• saw all kinds of short pant atrocities!  I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things.  I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.  
• saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!!  it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly.  I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso.  But, my gawd, her torso.  And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack.  Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
• bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
• I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course!  itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs.  sorry!  I'm a flake like that.  You should forgive me cause I'm cute.  And did I mention I got a job?  You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately.  kisses, bitches!
• I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
• decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic.  Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob.  I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did.  I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart.  Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh.  So, no talk about my job.  Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss.  Seriously, love.  But not like that.  Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love.  A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence.  Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me.  and HI SWAG!

Lucy & Ricky Retardo...

... the title has nothing to do with the post, but thats what my play cuz and her man are known as.

Hello people!  I'm taking a little break from blogging, on my grind!  I will be back soon.

Kisses bitches,

Trouble 

(& hi Swag!)

Grrrrrrrr, partie duex*

*no I don't speak french, Mac Dashboard translated it for me (Non, je ne parle pas francais, Mac Dashboard traduit lui pour moi!)

So I went on the interview at the international corporation today.  Nice office, super tight security as is found in most NYC office buildings these days.  Let me start off by saying that when I was talking to the TempAgent, she kept saying to me how they had placed the woman that I would be meeting with sometime ago.  And although she (the TempAgent) had only met with my interviewer two or three times, she could just tell that we were going to get along.  I took this to mean that I was meeting with a black woman, and I was correct.

Can I just state for those non-black people out there that might not know, that just because two women share a racial designation and a similar occupation, does not mean that they are automatically get along.  Case in point, my fucking interview today.  Homegirl didn't like me from the minute she saw me in my Calvin Klein linen blend herringbone suit and Max Studio pumps.  Actually I should list those in opposite order since when I turned around to meet her, she was working her way up from my bad ass round toe pumps.  I'm sure some of you out there reading this are probably thinking I'm a conceited lil bitch whose just a tad full of herself, and honestly you'd be mostly right.  I'm also secure enough with my own shit that if I see another woman with some nice sandals (the lady in the nail salon last week) or a great dress (that sister on the C train) I will give you a compliment.  So I know when someone is looking at me like, "Ooooo those shoes are nice!" and when someone is looking at me like, "Look at this uppity bitch!"  But I am a professional, professional what I don't know, so I smiled my brightest and friendliest and greeted her with nothing less than grace (with a tad of humility thrown in to make her feel better about herself.)

We get down to the interview and errrrrrrrrrrrrkkk! wait a minute, TempAgent told me I'd be supporting 9 executives but Interviewer is telling me it's actually about 12.  And the position is for about 6 months instead of the 3 TempAgent implied.  I already know that they DO NOT want someone who is going to be interviewing during lunch.  So I guess asking for an hour off to go to an interview is out as well huh? Let me ask you this, what the hell am I supposed to do 7 months down the line if they decide not to hire me on full time?  Do I explain on my next set of interviews that I took a job at half my normal pay when they ask me what I've been doing for the last six months?  And if they do hire me, do you really expect me to believe that they are going to automatically double my salary upon hire when I've been more than happy to do the work for less for the last 6 months?  Somehow I don't think so...

 And why the hell can't this damn woman look me in the eye!  Not a fucking good sign.  Is there something hanging out of my nose?  Is my eyeliner smeared across my face or some shit?  I KNOW there's nothing between my teeth - I didn't eat anything, I was a little nervous.  The fact that this woman is looking everywhere but in my eyes is distracting the fuck out of me and I'm not answering her questions with my usually savvy or panache.  My wit is abandoning me and my nerves are starting to take over.   I'm second guessing my decision to wear my suit.  I mean after all Interviewer is wearing some slacks with an open knit sweater and tank underneath (next time she should opt for either a neutral shade or a matching one, cause the white tank under the navy blue sweater was what I would call corporate.)  Then she's telling me that she wants me to meet with her supervisor and an older white woman enters the office.  Interviewer exits and my next interview begins.

Complete opposite experience.  She's looking me in the eye.  She's smiling at my answers, shit, she's actually listening to my answers.  I've gotten her to laugh.  What's the difference?  It surely isn't me.  I'm acting the exact same way with the Supervisor that I was with the Interviewer.  Maybe it's because Supervisor has only been there for 6 months herself so she's got no reason not to like me.  Maybe it was all in my imagination....

Grrrrrrrrrr

I reallllllly am starting to be very skeptical about employment agencies.  The latest one that I've hooked up with is not giving me a confident feeling to put it mildly.  It started off pretty well.  I was especially excited because the Treat's Truck was close to their offices.  If you're from NYC and like desserts, you really need to check out the Treat's Truck website and get a cookie or some shit.  Lady is like my fucking hero!  She's got a tricked out old fashion ice cream truck named Sugar, wears a kitschy lil uniform, and makes delicious treats.  What's not to love?  I once got a caramel creme sandwich cookie and gave it to a dude I used to work with.  He looked at it all kinds of funny cause it wasn't fancy looking at all, in fact, they kind of look like sand paper.  But then he took a bite, and that was all it took to get him hooked.  Their motto is "Not too fancy, always delicious!" Anyway, enough about the Treat's Truck for now...

I was also excited about The Agency because it's a certified women owned enterprise, which I thought was cool.  So I get there and the young receptionist asks me to fill out an application.  I was in a snit about it at first, but the application actually asked alot of good questions - things that you couldn't find out by reading my resume.  And she also gave me this sheet with tips for a good interview.  For the most part I agreed with all of the tips, but one kind of bothered me.  It said that you should always wear a suit to interviews.  It went on to say that by a suit, they meant two pieces of the same color purchased together, clean and well fitting.  Now first thing that bothered me about this was that I was sitting there in a black button down shirt, black pencil skirt, (black sheer pantyhose) and round toe black pumps.  Second thing that bothered me about this was that in all of the interviews that I've been on so far, only the men that I interviewed with (3) had on suits, and one was extremely ill fitted, and one didn't even bother with his jacket.  None of the women I met with had on anything even close to a suit.  

The funny thing about it was that I had just bought two new suits and had them tailored so they fit properly.  (Shopping note: If you buy anything from Syms, they have tailors in the dressing rooms and the fee is rather cheap for the work they do.  Turn around was pretty quick too.)  I would have been a little pissy if I walked in there in my new Calvin Klein herringbone suit only to find this maybe 21 year old receptionist in her motorcycle boots and short skirt.  And there there was the other candidate in the reception area in his older brother's suit.  At least thats what it looked like to me.  But I didn't wear a suit and I still looked professional.  And some days a working woman can't go wrong with a nice professional yet feminine dress.  

Anyway back to The Agency.  The interviews went well, and they didn't ask me to test.  I mean really, who works somewhere for 7 years, with references provided, and doesn't know how to proficiently use Word and Excel?  I think it's a little insulting when they ask me to test my skills.  Especially when they tell me that I can't use all of the nifty shortcuts that someone who has used Word or Excel for over 10 years has picked up.  And then when I left the interview and stopped by the Treat's Truck, she was sold out, but she gave me a free cookie!  I seriously have a thing for that woman now.

A couple of days pass and I hear from the permanent placement counselor that I met with.  She tells me about a job that sounds pretty interesting but just got listed, it going to be a while before she hears back from them.  Next day, the temporary placement counselor that I met with calls me.  She has a long term temp job working at a well known firm, replacing someone on maternity leave.  She tells me that they tend to keep people that they like and it sounds like an interesting thing to do for a little while.  (how long in general is maternity leave anyway?) Then she tells me the pay per hour and I say send my resume.  I get off the phone and pull out the calculator and wait a second, it's like half my last salary.  Seeing as I'm still getting paid from The Last Job for a little while longer, I technically could take a pay cut IF it was something amazing that I really wanted to do.  But I'm tired of sitting at home so I figure I'll talk about it with the Temp Counselor when I hear back from her.

When I do, and bring up my concerns, chicky starts whining.  "Well we really like for our candidates to tell us no before we send their resumes and you're putting me in a really uncomfortable situation!" she screeches at me.  Hold on, I simply pointed out to her that the pay was a large step down from what I use to make and I asked her if it would end up hurting me in the long run.  For instance, I said, if they decided to hire me full time, would they expect me to receive less that my last sizable annual salary because I have already done so?  "Oh! Well, um, no!  I mean they would in most cases look at what your last full time salary was. And if you're really worried about the decrease, I can up the pay by $2 an hour."  She really never should have told me that.  Because now I think I can get more money out of her.  Not to mention, I know someone that does temporary placement and if I'm going to give someone my commission, I would much rather it be her.  And because I've known her for so long, I know that she probably won't try to fuck me on the deal, at least with out some dinner and a good lube....

Strange ting gwan

Hautechick is famous for telling me how she saw this guy and he would be just perfect for me!  She never really knows the guys, usually she sees them in the street or on the train and I always end up saying to her, "It's not like you're going to run into dude when I'm with you."  So her tactics have changed.  Recently she's been coming to me with guys names.  She and the Artist are renovating their house, so she called up some contractor tells him her name and the guys says, "Oh, you must be Omar's wife."  Actually she's not but dude has the same last name as her hubbie.  So she says to me, "That would be soooo cool if you married Omar and we had the same initials again!"  How or where I'm supposed to meet this guy, I'll never know.  Sheeet we don't even know what dude looks like.

A couple of weeks past and she says to me, "Hey remember Omar?"  like we really knew dude or some shit.  Well turns out she's was standing in line at the post office behind a guy who she thought was even more perfect for me than the possibly imaginary Omar.  And she knew his government.  Of course my snarky ass says, "Well thats nice that you know his name, but where the fuck do you suppose I'm going to meet him?!"  Weird ass sister comes back with "Google him!"  I'm starting to think that either my sister has stalker tendencies that I knew nothing about, or she really has no faith that I'll be able to find the man of my dreams.  

So, skip forward a couple of days, I'm over at Hautechicks for a visit and decide I'm gonna make a pizza for dinner and want some fresh mushrooms.  Hautechick and the Artist don't have anything to dinner so we all take a trip to Foodtown (one of the local stoopidmarkets).  The line was ridiculous, so I'm standing on line with Hautechick while the Artist (who has the longest legs of the three of us) ran around getting the rest of the stuff that we needed.  Hautechick's running her mouth and I'm only half listening when I spy with my little eye a gorgeous specimen of man candy.  Tall, thin, gorgeous locks I would luv to play in, and I can't take my eyes off of him.  I hear Hautechick gasp then she says, "Oh my Gawd, thats RN! I told you, you would like him!"  It would have been perfect, if it hadn't been for the older woman that was sure not his momma that was with him....

Huge Pain in The Ass

Seriously!  I'm feeling kinda crappy, more on that latah, so I haven't been posting.  Plus mother's day was a huge production - more on that latah also.  But I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive but unemployed and frustrated!  I also wanted to vent about this enormous pain in the ass that has been plaguing me.  I've always carried my stress in my back - knots, spasms, etc - but this pain that I've got is driving me crazy!  It's like a  huge ass cramp! Like I'm clenching my right butt cheek and forgot how to unclench!  I can't sit down and I keep wanting to rub my ass! Or like I've got a leg cramp that migrated north....

The Answers....

1. True - I'm good as long as I don't see the needle
2. True - but in my defense, she never knew I did her man, she suspected but its not like she could ask me straight out.  Well she could have but I think I already established her ass was weak anyway.  Seriously, if thats your homegirl and I'm sleeping with her man, let me know on some real shit not on some "Ooooo let's jump her ass!"  cause its not like I knew.
3. Hell Naw that shit is false
4. Truly
5. True!  I love NYC cause you never know who you'll run into!
6. True - I really really really don't like eggs
7. True - for some strange reason (probably cause the fish know I can't eat them) I always catch a shit load of fish, but someone has to bait the hook and retrieve the fish for me - even touching them makes my throat itchy.
8. False - at least not to my knowledge, but I have been in the room when other people had sex - not by choice, they thought I was sleeping and I couldn't exactly get up and walk out of the room!
9. False - I have dated someone that was 15 years older than I was.  The youngest person that I've dated was 8 years younger than me.
10. Sadly true - I wasn't aware of it when we first started seeing each other, he said they were separated, but not separated enough for my ass.  They still lived in the same house with their two kids....
11. True, but I'm not telling and I doubt you guys could guess who it is....

I think Swag was the only one who got them all right.  Don't know what the questions were?  Go Here