6.02.2009

Whatever doesn't kill me...

This past year has really been a test for me in all aspects of my life.  Career, education, personal relationships, self esteem - it all went to shit.  But I'm thankful for all the crappy things that I went through.  The second lay-off proved to be a blessing in disguise, although truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasted alot of times thinking hateful things at that woman. (sidebar - what kind of idiot hires back someone who quit less than a year before to go follow their dreams?!? but at this point I laugh at her stupidity and wish the two of them all that they deserve) And that just sent off a spiral of realizations.

I spent all of my energy and time working and I neglected myself to the point where I wondered if I would be able to pick up the pieces.  Stopped going to school to finish my degree because I was "needed" at work.  And all for what?  Nothing that had any real value to me as an individual.  Buying the house was about the only thing that was worthwhile from that whole career woman endeavor.  I sacrificed alot of relationships in order to be there for a man that was paying my bills (BossMan) but did nothing else for me.  I realized alot about myself last September.  First and foremost was that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are alot more people out there in worse situations than I was in.

Second thing that I realized was that I really didn't like the work that I had been doing.  Sure, being a personal/executive assistant was easy for me, especially since I've always been able to keep smiling no matter what the circumstances, but it wasn't anything that I was passionate about.  I also realized that I missed my drive, my passion, my reason de etre.  I missed being creative and relatively carefree.  I missed waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and I was determined to get that back in my life.

Then I realized that I have a tendency to over think things.  There was a time when the people who know me would describe me as adventurous or spontaneous.  I was famous for leaping without looking but somehow always making it work.  Not so true anymore.  I wondered when I became such a worry wort and somehow I managed to start worrying about that!

I took a look back at my life and saw that I've been working full time since I was 19 and decided it was time for a break.  Especially when I realized that I have never been on unemployment in my life.  Six months was the longest time that I had ever been out of work and I'm not sure that counts since I was still being paid.  So I decided to take some time off.  Time off from work, time off from worry, time off from the things that stole my joy.

So I went back to school in January, and maybe it was the leap without looking part of me that made me think I should take 5 classes (one writing intensive) my first semester back in about 6 or 7 years.  Well guess what?  I kicked ass!  Turned out a 29 page research paper that I still can't believe that I pulled off and so far I've got 2 A's and 2 A-'s (still waiting for that fifth grade.)  Two more classes and an internship (that I actually already did) and I'm done with my BA.  Decided to go for my masters in Urban Planning or Affairs (haven't quite decided which one) and I'm thinking maybe about teaching - got an offer to assistant teach Urban Studies at the high school I graduated from - no pay, but I think I will really enjoy doing it.

I've reconnected with alot of people (thanks facebook) and put myself out there and made alot of new friends.  Speaking of reconnecting, I'm actually seeing someone now who makes me extremely happy - someone that I've known for years.  Had we reconnected last year this time, I'm pretty sure that I would have screwed it up, but so far so great.  He really makes me feel incredibly special and sexy and I'm pretty sure that I make him feel the same way.  But we are taking it slow because regardless of what happens between us, I don't want to lose him again.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to.  Reevaluating, readjusting, relearning and most importantly living.  What the fuck have you guys been up to!?!?!

Kisses bitches!
Yours truly, Trouble

2 comments:

jamie (aka afro) said...

well look who's back in the blogging world!
i added your site to my feed awhile back and when i looked yesterday i said "there's a post from trouble"?!

Congrats on the grades, you're really doing it!
and im glad you've found out what you want to do with your degree. that's where i am right now, at the stage of 'what do i want to really do once i get out of school'?

hope you and your guy work out! summer love is the best..

keep us posted!

LadyShay said...

Hell Yeah, The Bitch is Back!!

Please??