Whew!

Ok, 4 post in one day.  I think that should be enough to get you through the week.  But I got one more story.  Ok, 2 more stories that I think you'll enjoy...

• So its hot as the hinges of hell in New York right now.  Has been for the last 3 weeks or so.  And humid as shit!  So I woke up on Saturday and took Duke outside in the backyard and decided that he looked hot and needed a haircut.  Now I should point out that I've given Duke a haircut a couple of times and it generally comes out looking good.  Not so this time.  I don't know if it was because I was hot (I mean I was sweating buckets out there!)  or because Duke was hot (he kept fidgeting) or because Mommy jinxed me ("Wow, it really looks like you know what your doing!"  that was about 5 minutes before I took entirely too much off of his back left leg.  Then he wouldn't give me his back right leg so that I could at least even it out!)  Needless to say, my poor Pooper looks a mess.  So bad that everytime I see him I say "Awwww, I'm sorry!"  At least he's a lot cooler now.  I, on the other hand, gave myself heat stroke out there cutting all that fucking hair off.  I was thisclose to passing the fuck out.
• After the heat stroke/bad doggy haircut debacle, I decided that I was going to take it easy on Sunday.  Go get a mani/pedi and then go pick up dinner so that Mommy wouldn't have to cook.  I was going to say Mommy or I, but who am I kidding, I'm allergic to the stove in the summer.  So I get the mani/pedi (no thank you, designs are fine for some people, but fuck no I don't want polka dots on my toes!) and then stop at the ATM and hop on the train at Kingston/Throop to go get some food.  I walk towards the back of the platform, but not too far cause I don't want the rats to get me.  I'm waiting, I'm waiting.  Everything copacetic until the train comes cause it brings a big ass rat with it!  The rat in on the platform running from the train and heading right the fuck for me!  I can admit I screamed a la Mariah, but I bet any of your asses would have done the same damned thing if you saw a NYC subway rat charging up the platform at your ass!  So I'm screaming and running away from the rat and the people waiting in the middle of the train platform and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, UNTIL they see the rat then those mutherfuckers start hitting high notes too.  So the train stops and the people getting off the train are looking at the people on the platform like we all lost our minds.  AND then, they see the rat and a couple of them seriously looked like they were contemplating hopping right the fuck back on the train.  That is until it looked like that was what the rat was going to do too...

Oh shit, I just remembered that I had a CWAAZZZY story to tell you about SuperSlag - somebody remind me...

The Boys...

...Hi Swag!  Hi Torrence! 

I can't help it Lady Shay!  I have always loved males.  Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me.  So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males.  In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male.  When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy.  I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl.  By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block.  Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet.  Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys.  And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend.  I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have.  I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one.  Not to replace what I have mind you.  

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys.  Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys.  Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.)  Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls. 

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me.  Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl.  Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me.  Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day.  Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride.  Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass.  Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Brownie

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend.  I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run.  I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday.  (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.)  Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside.  (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.)  Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep.  (Well, it was!)  Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down.  But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.  

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time.  It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time.  I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done.  And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying.  I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me.  You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me.  Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell!  Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie.  Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T.  (which sounds like something I would say.)  And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him.  "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me!  I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Buggy

Despite my tom-boyish tendencies as a child, there was always one thing that could make me turn into a shrieking girly mess, bugs.  I hate them, all of them.  Butterflies are pretty to look at, but let one of those mutherfuckers land on me, and I will hit a high note like Mariah.  I don't care if its harmless, or pretty, I don't want it to touch me. 

So naturally bugs flock to me in hives.  I don't have ants in my apartment, or even roaches.  I get fucking centipedes, one of the most horrid bugs in my opinion.  Not only are they multi-legged but they are also kinda slimy and thus EXTREMELY GROSS!  One night I left a glass of limeade by my bed in a big red plastic cup (what I think of as a party cup.)   I wake up in the middle of the night, grab the cup and got a little something extra with my sip.  No, it wasn't tequila, IT WAS A FUCKING CENTIPEDE IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!  But I didn't realize it at first, thought it might have been a bit of pulp.  Good thing I can't stand pulp.  Bad thing I spit it out in my hand and turned on the light to see what it was.  (I can admit now that if anyone else had been in the apartment with me when this happened, they probably would have laughed their ass off at my antics, but seriously it was a bug in my mouth!)  Lots of listerine, lots of tooth brushing, lots of willies....

Then the other night, I get out of bed to go potty and I step on something kind of squishy.  I'm really hoping that Duke spit a piece of food out on the floor.  Of course not.  I killed the summabitch, but I still stepped on the damn thing with my bare foot.  Needless to say my right foot was scrubbed til it was pink like a white babies bottom, and just as soft.

Boo!

Yes I know it's been awhile.  And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

• Almost got back with PYT
• Got back with Brownie
• Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
• Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
• hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
• hung out with Bubba a couple of times
• saw Grant Hill!  (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine.  No disrespect Tamia)
• went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
• found a temp agency that actually got results.  as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them.  as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell.  as in bitch got two offers...
• oh, did I mention I got a job?
• got a kick ass job
• got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position 
• did some serious shopping on a budget
• ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning.  Congratulations on the baby boy!
• went to a couple of parties
• i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember.  hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
• made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday.  It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over. 
• got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body.  I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing.  I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you.  And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.  
• told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
• saw all kinds of short pant atrocities!  I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things.  I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.  
• saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!!  it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly.  I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso.  But, my gawd, her torso.  And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack.  Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
• bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
• I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course!  itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs.  sorry!  I'm a flake like that.  You should forgive me cause I'm cute.  And did I mention I got a job?  You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately.  kisses, bitches!
• I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
• decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic.  Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob.  I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did.  I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart.  Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh.  So, no talk about my job.  Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss.  Seriously, love.  But not like that.  Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love.  A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence.  Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me.  and HI SWAG!