Lil Heifer...

So me and Cousin T pull up at SuperSlag's house for MonkeyGirl's birthday dinner and here is lil miss thing standing there looking like a junior me.  I have on black skinny jeans, she has on black skinny jeans.  I have on some Coach high top sneakers, and she's got on the low top version.  I say, "Hey Monk, do we have on the same sneakers?"  And this lil shits gonna say, "Uh uh, mine are Coach!"  with full attitude.  I swear I fell the fuck out and then informed the lil heifer that mine were Coach too!

Oh can I just say I put my whole mutherfucking foot in them red velvet cupcakes!  Cousin T's dad (my actual cousin) used to make THE best carrot cake until his diabetes got out of control.  He never gave the recipe to anyone, not even his daughters.  But he's giving it to me after tasting my cupcakes.  And its a good damn thing he got the diabetes under control cause he ate like 3 of them joints.  Even Mommy, the red velvet hater, ate two and was trying to steal more before I left the house with them.

Oh and I'm working on my homework PrettyBlack!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEYGIRL!

on this joyous day, in 1995, my god daughter was born.  A whole 4 pounds of eyerolling, hair grabbing, hollering, side eyein bundle of joy and rebellion.  Only baby in the incubator room lifting her head up and I think trying to get out of that damned plastic box.  Gosh I love that kid.  You see, she was born my senior year in high school and at the school I attended, seniors were pretty much finished with classes by the end of March.  (The rest of the year was spent preparing for the senior play and doing community service.)  So I spent alot of time with her, I watched her just about every day until I left for college.  And when I was away, my Mom used to get her and bring her up to see me.  They would usually come up on the weekend and I will never forget the time they were there for one of my volleyball games.  She charmed just about everyone in the stands by the time the match was over.  My coach had to cut the post game meeting short because MonkeyGirl would not be denied!  And she was absolutely adorable with her too small self walking and talking when no one would expect her to.  We were once at the library in the children's room at Grand Army Plaza (it a huge library in Brooklyn that in this amazing building - actually alot of the libraries in Brooklyn are architectural gems) and this maybe 8 month old baby waddles by.  MonkeyGirl was about 2 at the time, and still small for her age, she's gonna look at me and say, "Babies can't walk!"  The kids Mom looks at Monkey at says, "well they aren't supposed to talk either, but look at you!"

She's almost as tall as me now, in fact she can fit most of my clothes and some of my shoes.  We're even built alot alike.  Shes a dancer where I was an athlete, so she's not a musclely as I was at that age.  Lucky her.  The summer before my sophomore year, my varsity basketball team went to an Invitational Basketball Camp.  I spent 2 weeks doing nothing but playing basketball and running basketball related drills.  Two days after I got home, I had to go to a wedding.  It was the first time that I had worn anything besides workout gear since being home.  I put on my girly pink dress, took one look in the mirror and burst into tears!  "I look like a boy!"  It was terrible, I looked like a body building reject.  Mommy still made me go to the wedding though.  What's one of my post without a crazy tangent!  I know alot of you were expecting it and I sooo hate to disappoint!  You should see my biceps after I've actually been working out consistently...

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled post, I am so glad to have that no longer little girl in my life.  So I'm making her Red Velvet Cupcakes for her party tomorrow!  I might even whip out Mommy's decorating tools and get my icing flower on!

AND as a bonus tangent I present to you my theory about birthdays.  When I was a kid and someone asked me how old I was I would say something like, "well traditionally I'm 10 years old, but actually I've been alive for 11 years."  It used to piss Hautechick off for some reason.  But its true!  When some one celebrates a birthday, they are actually celebrating the completion of that year, so when you turn 30 (like I did last November) you are actually beginning your 31st year of life.  I used to wonder about why age was counted this way.  I also wonder if it has anything to do with high infant mortality rates that used to exist before medical practices were standardized.  AND since this post was in honor of my 13 year old god daughter, I didnt even curse!

The Skin I'm In

• lots and lots of water, I drink that is.  Plus the MAC doesn't hurt a bit
• speaking of makeup, the handle on my makeup train case broke this morning and I'm really sad about it, I think I'm going to take it to the shoemaker since its leather and see if he can fix it.
• remember I used to do those post on things that every woman needs?  well I just thought of another one, a really good old school shoe maker.  They can take the calf of your boots in, or if they are really good make them a little bigger.  Stretch your too tight leather shoes (or do it yourself with some wooden shoe trees and some rubbing alcohol) fix the run down heel on your favorite shoes, replace a worn down sole, fix the leather strap on a makeup case, at least I hope so
• i actually had a really bad case of the chickenpox when I was in the 4th grade.  So bad that I missed the last month and a half of school.  I still have the dots all over including one on my right cheek and a couple on my nose.  They just dont show up in pictures for some reason.  Then again people usually think they're birthmarks...
• speaking of the chickenpox, did I ever mention that I have a half brother?  He's a real shit.  Anyway when I got the chickenpox, he was in the Marines and he came to see me when he was home on leave.  that would have been strange considering that we spent hardly any time together when I was a kid, but our dad had just passed away the year before, so he was trying to pretend that he's not an asshat.  Anywho, guess who gave the fucktard the chickenpox and guess who ended up in military quarantine for 2 months?
• and continuing on the theme of my shitwit brother, have I ever mentioned that I'm an aunt?  dont think so.  well anyway come to find out I'm an aunt again.  How did I find out?  My buppy cousin gets an email birth announcement from Shitwits (I really like that one, and it really fits my brother) wife, Shitwitta (shes an ass too), so she forwards it to my Mom, who checks her email like maybe 4 times a month (and that does not mean once a week) who mentions it to me last week.  The kid, a boy, was born on Valentines day.
• my home phone went out this weekend, actually all three lines in the house were acting wonky, so Mommy called Verizon and they said they would be here on Monday morning.  wait I should correct that, the first dumbass broad that answered the phone told Mommy that it must be a problem with one of our phones.  I said that was bullshit and told Mommy to call them back (after she made me check all the jacks - good thing the designers of this house were asses and there are only three of them, one on each floor) and THEN they said they would come on Monday.  And what a day Monday was...
• I'm knocked the fuck out, and I kinda hear Mommy's line ringing on Monday morning, but I rolled over and what do you know, it stops.  then my cell phone rings, it the verizon guy and he's outside.  oops!  So I throw on some sweat pants and a hoodie and answer the door.  Hello!  I was for a minute regretting my choice of attire when I realized that the sweats are kinda low rise and show off my flat belly very nicely and actually make me look like I have hips!  it didn't turn into anything but flirting, but that was my choice.  he called me once after he left to make sure that everything was ok, then he stopped by a little later to "make sure."
• so the verizon guy leaves and Mommy comes home and says, "huh, i thought that they were going to come and read the meter today." and right on cue the door bell rings.  I'm right there, so even though this is something that Mommy usually does, I answer the door.  First off, by this time Duke is pretty sick and tired of getting locked up everytime someone comes to the door, so he sticks his snooze in the door and follows me out into the vestibule.  Good thing I hadn't yet answered the front door.  So after a brief yet frenzied battle with the hairy beast I answer the door.  Dog hair everywhere and a tall young cutie here to read the meter!  Sheesh!  That boy better be happy Mommy was home cause I was seriously thinking about jumping the young man right there in the basement.
• My god daughter is going to be 13 on Thursday!  She wants a Sidekick and/or to go to Dave and Busters with a crew.  I'm all for the Sidekick - shes a good kid and she doesn't have a cell phone, but me and Cousin T had a long ass talk about the Dave and Busters thingamajig.
• I was in Filene's Basement shopping for MonkeyGirl's birthday and I saw the most adorable Ralph Lauren baby girl clothes.  I really was debating with myself if I should buy something for NewBabyGirl, SuperSlag's newest kid, but I decided against it.  She'll take it as were cool again and as always expect more.  It tears me up that I can't buy something for the kid without her Mom trying to hit me up for more.

Where's My Fuckin Cookie LadyShay?!?

Why is it when LadyShay says "Fuck you!" to me, I feel luved?

I actually took some pics when I finished doing my hair, but I look kinda pissed off and aggravated so I'm not posting them.  There's one of me with curly locks, and one with straight. Sort of a before wash and after.  Anyway, heres some snarky broad in all of her locked glory.  Don't you just love my enormous bamboo hoops?  I'm sooo old school...

Girly...

yes I'm still wasting time and that's my black diamond ring on the left above the shoe (picture doesn't do it justice)

Sesostris

• I was watching Engineering an Empire : Egypt and now I can't get the name Sesostris out of my head or Snefru for that matter
• ella ella ella eh!
• Last weekend I went to my godson's (MonkeyBoy) basketball game with Cousin T.  We showed up in time for his second game (the first was at some ungawdly hour in the morning) and the other team hasn't shown up, so it was a forfeit.  
  

1. Superslag was there with NewBabyGirl and WackThug showed up.  We're watching the kids shoot around for a while and there's this little boy who is pretty damned good.  Doesn't hurt that he's taller than most of the other kids, but his Jordan's are barely tied.  So I say, "That kid would be awesome if someone took the time to tie his sneakers."  And Cousin T starts choking and everyone else (SuperSlag and WackThug) get quiet.  Cousin T told me later the kid was WackThug's son...
2. MonkeyBoy makes the same stink face as that his mother (SuperSlag) used to make when she was upset about something as a child
3. Cousin T and I went to see her Mommy in the hospital after we left the non-game.  She was doing much better (trying to get us to bring her some real food!) and is actually home now.  I promised her that I would make her some incense...

• Memory foam Sock Monkey Slippers (from Target) are apparently "gangsta."
• can I just say "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ah, much better
• I had the worst cereal I have ever eaten this morning.  It tasted buttery and sweet and sour, it was in a word disgusting.
• So I usually do my locks myself.  Its a long and arduous task, but I'm always happy with the results when I'm done.  The worse thing that happens when I do it, is that I think my curls are too tight, or something else trivial.  The same can't be said for when someone else does it.  

1. There was the African Hair Braiding place where I used to have to wash it first (if I wanted it really clean) and bring all of my own supplies.  And forget asking them to style them.  And I usually would have to tell the woman not to use so much product in my hair.
2. Then there was the professional loctician.  She was right near my house, and not too expensive.  Sistah can really do hair, but she has no customer service skills or personality at all as far as I can tell.  I went twice.  Both times it was just me and her in the shop and she said about 20 words to me.  The first time, I kept trying to ask questions, one word answers.  I'm not asking for your life story, but if we have to sit here together for 2 and a half hours, the least you could do is turn on some fucking music or talk to me!    The second time I wore my ipod and brought a book.  Yeah my hair looked nice, but I always left there feeling uncomfortable, like she really didn't want my business.
   
3. So now I found a new place.  I know I'm just being completely and utterly lazy, since I'm home all day it's not like I couldn't do it myself.  But I kind of want to get out of the house.  So I walked over there the other morning, and they weren't open.  I think that's a sign that I should get off of my ass and do it myself.  No curls this time though, they take too fucking long to do.
4. Speaking of hair, but almost completely unrelated (like something in this post was related) you know I really can't cornrow.  Lately Mommy has been making me practice on her, talkinbout what if I have little girls.  But PYT has braids and asked me if I could do his hair, I was like, "Uh..."

• I was going to say that I was verrrry goood last month in terms of not shopping.  But thats not entirely true, so I was going to amend it to say that I didn't buy any clothes last month.  But thats not true either...

1. I got my rose gold and black diamond ring.  To say I love it would be an understatement.  I also have to learn to stop staring at it like an idjeet, but I'm fascinated that something sooo black could be sooo sparkly
2. And I got a pair of high top Coach sneakers that I could not resist.  The look like Chucks (which I also love) and they are all black but they fold over to a leopard print (real genuine illegal leopard - sorry, the Artist used to say this to me all the time)
3. I got the Coach Chucks when I was looking for a pair of black pumps.  Which I realized that I didn't have when I was cleaning out my closet.  I got a fairly standard pair from MaxStudio with a rounded toe, but they have really great toe cleavage.  
4. And I got a dress, hammered silk off the shoulder BCBG.  But I'm not sure if its for me or for my goddaughter (MonkeyGirl.)  She has a formal event coming up next month and I saw the dress and kind of thought of her, even though I already gave her a dress.  But I was also thinking of me a little, since we wear the same size.  Can I just take a moment to say that I'm really kind of pissed and proud of that!?!  I mean what the fuck the kid used to fit on my lap, her whole freaking body used to fit on my lap!  And now the kid can borrow my clothes AND shoes! So anyway, the dress came (I got it from my favorite BCBG seller on ebay) and welll, I tried it on.  I really have no where to wear it, but it looks great, and I'm kind of hoping that she won't like it.  that is a really fucked up thought
5. I also got some lingerie from Victoria's Secret, they're having a clearance sale.  I haven't worn any of it yet though

• Speaking of the Artist, he is the worst joke teller ever!  But he always manages to make you laugh, just not at the joke he's telling.  So, he calls me up and is like "Hey Troubsy, what do you call cheese, that's not your cheese?" and he's cracking up while he's asking me.  I can hear Hautechick in the background saying, "Nooooo Artsy!" and I'm like, "I don't know Artso (*ahahahaha I dont know Artso! that rhymes) stolen cheese?"  And he's all, "Nnooooooooooo! (giggle giggle guffaw guffaw) Nacho cheese!" and then falls into a fit of hysterics.  Hautechick picks up the phone and says "He told that sooo wrong!  He was supposed to say, what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you!  He's soo silly."  (she said it in that gushy "aww I love him" kind of way)
• This post is just a lame attempt by me to put off doing my hair as long as possible.  Thank you for playing along!  If you don't hear from me in awhile, no, I'm not being my usual flaking self.  I'm probably just tangled up in my hair.  Wish me luck, maybe I'll take a picture when I'm done

Vice

• today I did post on sex, violence, and politics.  i guess you could say I'm feeling horny, angry, and argumentative.  you could say it, but you might get cut.
• Did anyone hear about the fatal crane collapse that happened last weekend in NYC?  I mean besides the people that live in the metro area.  It is sometimes an amazing thing to watch those cranes put up skyscrapers, especially in NYC where space is always at a premium.  But it is also terrifying.  They are these amazingly tall structures that look so delicate.  My heart goes out to the families of the 7 people that lost their lives...
• sheesh and I dark and moody today or what?!  I think its the rain, cause it couldn't be that whole no job to go to thing.  Good thing a bitch is still getting paid.  A check for doing nothing will lift your spirits like nothing else will!
• there was an FDNY ambulance and a police car in front of my house today for awhile.  I saw them helping a woman into the ambulance and then the cops talked to her for a while.  am I smart or paranoid to want to go outside and take pictures of the sidewalk around my house just in case?
• I really dont think that really high class call girls would advertise their services on websites where any dick tom and harry who had a good night at the craps table and little sense can acquire their services.  I'm just saying
• I think that it is toooooo huge a coincidence that our guvnuh is forced to step down for a sex scandal right before the ever problematic NY State budget is due.
• I remember what it was like to be 22.  to think that being with your friends and partying was the most important things in the world.  i also recall that I didn't really date 22 years olds even when I was 22.  Back then I was a lolita instead of a baby cougar...
• when I was 19, I decided to leave the college that I was going to in CT in order to take a full time job back home in NYC.  So when I was in my early 20's I had already been working for awhile, had my own little bit of money, and was cocky as shit.  I also used to smoke and met a number of men when they asked me if I was too young to be smoking.  I dated alot of 30 year olds during that point in my life.  A LOT and I'm pretty sure that there was a 40 year old in there somewhere briefly
• before I left that school in CT, I managed to make my way through a crew of guys.  I don't think that most of them even knew that I had dealt with the others despite the fact that there weren't too many people of color on campus.  I actually didn't sleep with all of them, but I was courted, coddled or spoiled by each and every one of them.
• People tell me that I look innocent, and I used to take great advantage of that.  I think thats a major reason why I was able to get away with pulling that last stunt pretty much unscathed.  The scathed part was that I didn't figure out that the dude that was acting like my brother, was the one that was the most interested in me.  Of course he was the one I was least interested in and he started talking shit about me.  It only took about two sentences for people to figure out that he was just jealous of the dude I was seeing (not one of the crew.)  Note to guys: never finish slamming a girl by saying, "You should have been with me!"  
• The other scathed part was the fight I almost had with this chick over the one dude in the crew that could have been considered my man, sort of.  He was sleeping with her too, which was cool because while I didn't want to know who, he did tell me that he was seeing someone else on campus.  She unfortunately wasn't as realistic with the situation as I was.  She was also older than me and to say marriage minded would be an understatement.  Anyway, one night at a semi formal party, she and a friend walked up on me while I was dancing with another guy (part of the advantage of being a tom boy and a seductress is that people never know if the dude is a friend or a luvah - this one was currently a friend but was a past luvah) he was a (something I can't say cause it will give away more than I want) but saw the set up and warned me.  She managed to get a swing in, but then again so did I.  Let's just say, I was a little more accurate.  I lost a $5 necklace and had a scratch on my neck, she had some bruising.
• Got damned confused as fuck seagulls!  Cawing out my window like I give a fuck.  Bitch this is CENTRAL Brooklyn, take your ass back to the sea and leave me alone damn it.  Fucking bird goes off, wakes up Duke, then he starts barking cause he don't know what the fuck that is. It's happened twice this afternoon. Sheeet....

The Prostitute and the Politician

A case could be made for either being the world's oldest profession.  On the one hand, you have the men and women who seek to govern others, to rule in a sense over the masses.  And on the other, you have the men and women who seek to please, to pleasure and submit to the masses.  Or in some cases to pleasure and submit to the elite.  As much as we've seen Elliot Spitzer or H. Carl McCall(to those not from NYC, both are local politicians) on tv, we see the residents of the Bunny Ranch and others making a quick buck off of sex.  

Personally, I've never bought nor paid for sex.  But to be perfectly honest, I really can't knock the hustle of someone who can get paid $5,000 for an hour of their time.  Of course it is much more than an hour of time that they are giving up in exchange.  But with some control and intelligence, I can see how someone could use being a prostitute to become something more.  Hell, shorty in the news right now, wasn't very smart at all and already the offers are pouring in.  Then there was the former call girl who wrote that book.  I read it and to be honest it was so dry that I can't even remember the name of the book or the author.  Nor do I care to take the time and look them up.  But the point is, she managed to not only get out, get married, and get a book deal, but to also be completely honest about what she did without anyone turning their nose down (too much) at her past.

A bad politician, one who lets secrets slip, who goes after people who are supposed to be his betters, who comes off as a self righteous prick, who goes against the grain, who offers up motions and ideas that no one wants anything to do with, who can't balance an enormous budget.  Well there's really no redeeming the politician now is there?  No one ever says, "Oh, poor little politician, s/he was just young and naive and got taken advantage of. They just used her/him like a pawn!"  No one ever feels sorry for the ex politician like they would for the ex prostitute. 

black is the new president bitch...

sorry for the commercial, bitch asses got me for that one.  it'd be my fucking luck that it will play that fucking Beyawnce commercial.  fucking free advertisement bullshit.  but I used hulu rather than utube, cause it allows you to edit clip that you would like to embed.  It's open to the public and even has movie classics like "Dude Where's My Car"  

Here's Tracy Morgan on Barack Obama and Hilarity Clinton.  tee fucking hee!

Perception

When I first started this blog, you'd be hard pressed to find a picture of me.  There was a reason for that.  You see, when people first see me, snarky is usually the last thing that the think.  For one thing, I'm pretty tiny.  Despite being almost 5'7", the most that I have ever weighed is 125 lbs and that was when I was working out 4 to 5 days a week.  Add to that, what Hautechick calls my cow eyes (big brown eyes with pretty long lashes) and the fact that I could pass for someone 10 years younger and I'm not what you would call intimidating.  As a result, weak willed bitches always want to test me.

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone out with Cousin T, shit will pop off, and some dumb chit thinks I'm the one to be tested.  There was the time we went to a party with her sisters (CoHo, SuperSlag, and Bobby) and it was raining.  I should insert here, that I have a thing for walking umbrellas, I have to stop myself from buying more.  So needless to say, you won't catch me carrying around some generic black umbrella if I can help it.  I check my umbrella going in, but on the way out its a total mess.  All of the tags have fallen off of the wet umbrellas.  But I know my shit, and I made sure to speak to the dude that was checking them, so he hands me my shit right off and I'm out the door waiting for the rest of the crew.

Here comes Cousin T, cause her shit is always purple, but before she gets to me heres some random chicks in my face.  Two of them are gonna walk up to me and start talking about how they think I stole their umbrella.  "Yeah I'm pretty sure thats my shit she's holding."  "Yea, that looks like the one you had."  Me, I'm standing there with my eyebrow cocked, waiting for it.  Cousin T is standing behind them, waiting for it too.  One of them reaches out and makes to grab my umbrella.  It wasn't raining at this point so I use it to smack her hand away, "this is not your umbrella, walk away." real calm real quiet like, which should have been her first clue.  "I think it is mine, let me see it."  "Now, if you had walked up to me and asked to see it in the first place, I might have let you.  But you want to try and grab shit and I hate rude people.  Get the fuck out of my face bitch."  Now she's going off about how I disrespected her and Cousin T has been joined by the rest of the people with me, so they are pretty much surrounded by some chicks that are in some cases ALOT bigger than me.  All of a sudden, they want to be nice.  "My bad, I thought it was mine."  Little chick standing by herself they wanna pick on. Little chick surrounded by some burly big backed bitches and the want to back off.

It's the story of my life.  Some low self esteem bitch thinks she can feel better about herself by picking on the skinny chick.  What they don't know is that the skinny chick is kinda quick with the wit and the fist.  And I'm not above fighting dirty if the person is bigger than me.  Which pretty much means I fight dirty all the time since I can't ever remember being in a fight with someone who was my size or smaller.  I can honestly say that I NEVER in my life started a fight, but I've finished quite a few.  I've had my share of busted lips and scratches, but they've all healed.  But I don't think that I would be able to live with myself it I knew that I let other people intimidate or bully me.  That's just not the type of person that I am...

and for the record, I don't back down whether I'm surrounded by burly big backed bitches or by my lonely!   

All we do is play in the sheets...

If you haven't figured it out by now, I really like sex.  I'm not obsessed by any stretch of the imagination - I've gone over a year without having sex on more than one occasion.  But I do really really really like sex.  With the right person, its a phenomenal experience.  Sheeeet, with the wrong person it can be a phenomenal experience!

I can't say that I have a favorite position or style, they all appeal to me.  The control given when he lets me ride on top.  Knowing that his eyes are on me, his hands on my hips.  Or when he rises to meet me, lip to lip breathe mingling.  The power of a forceful thrust.  The skill of a slow silken glide.  Pulling my locks or tenderly stroking skin.  And oh how I crave my next little death.  To shatter and know that his arms are the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart.  The surrender and the conquest.  It all appeals to me.

But I am sooo much more that what it between my legs.  And no man should ever think that a little slap and tickle is going to be enough to keep me slapping and tickling.  I cannot even begin to fathom why a man would think that a woman would be ok with him saying, "Hey baby, I'm going to this party on Saturday (wait for it) and I was wondering if I could stop by your place on my way home?"  Um, let me think about it. Uh, FUCK NO!  No, it wasn't PYT that said that to me, that's how Brownie got moldy.

While I am spoiled to a certain extent, I don't expect a man to bankrupt himself in order to please me.  For example, there was the dude that was unemployed that insisted on taking me out to very expensive dinners on his Amex card.  It put a bad taste in my mouth.  I took him out to a nice dinner, my treat, and ended it.  On the opposite end was the dude that insisted on only taking me to diners.  I actually love diners, but not the straight up disgusting places that he tried to get me to eat.  

Or how about the dudes that are afraid of a little blood?  I'm not asking you to eat me out on a bloody Monday or anything even closely related, but is it necessary to disappear like I've got the plague?  It's a little blood, bitch, it's not gonna kill me and it sure as fuck isn't going to kill you.  And that, "Well your mouth still works" bullshit just ain't cool.  I'm already fucking emotional and you want to be an ass?!  Real quick way to ensure that you never get a favor while I'm on the rag.

That brings me to PYT.  I can't figure the man out for shit.  He stands me up.  He'll always call and apologize the next day.  But it is what is.  Twice, then I stopped calling, stopped texting actually.  I just let it go.  But he didn't.  He called, then he texted and he comes over and plays Monopoly with me (and gets his ass kicked) knowing he's not gonna get any.  No pressure to impress him with my brain.  Just chilled and got his ass kicked.  He even actually enjoyed my smart ass mouth.  Then you know what he does...

Tagged...

Ok, so hopefully I'm fully back on my grind.  That sinus shit is a bitch!  I used to get really bad sinus infections every spring, but not so much since I had my wisdom teeth pulled.  Anyway, I'm feeling better so its time to take care of some bidness...

The first link has to be about family - Sleep Talkers - a strange family quirk

The second link has to be about friends - Slick! -my homeboy who I really need to call

The third link has to be about myself - In a Little Cabin - started about my insomnia ended up about the Levian Cult Camp I went to (re: levian - I was in the Dominican Republic with my sisty, we were on this beach and this Dominican guy comes up to us and tries to pick us up.  "Oh! You are sisters, good!  I hoped you were not levians, levians are no fun!"  at least not to beach hustlers)

The fourth link has to be about something I love - Mr. Pooper of course!

And the fifth link cried all the way wee wee home!  He's a bit of a punk ass...

(I'm copping out on the tagging thing cause you guys mostly already did this!)

Sickly...

So I started feeling kinda funky on Sunday, a slight tickle in my throat.  By Monday it was a full blown sore throat.  I started taking Yarrow, which I think helped to stop it from turning into the flu, but I was congested and had a headache all week.  I got a call on Tuesday for an interview and scheduled it for today, Friday, hoping I would be up to top speed.  Of fucking course, today would be the day that I lost my fucking voice!  Not all day mind you, just the 4 hours that it took me to get to the city, do the interview and get home.  I made a point to let them know that I am not usually so softly spoken.  Anyway, I missed you all bunches and I'll make sure to check all my peoples blogs on tomorrow.  And despite being an invalid (or maybe because) I said and heard alot of interesting things this week.  Here's a couple to keep all 14 of you entertained...

Trouble to Mommy:  So did Nana (my gramma) make pork chops for you before she was Jewish? 

(I was going to explain this in the tagged post, then I read the rules!  So, my Nana was married three times.  Her last husband was Jewish, not an Israelite a black Jew, and she converted.  My Uncle was actually raised Jewish but he converted to Islam when he got locked up. (that makes me giggle! and it should not be funny, but I can't help it!)  Before that she was also attended a Catholic church and an AME -African Methodist Episcopal.)

Trouble to Hautechick:  Hey, can you ask the Artist if I can come over and use his colored pencils, I got some new coloring books 

(yes I'm dead serious, but they are adult coloring books, one is Mystical Mandalas, one is Erte designs, and the other is decorative tiles)

Mommy to Trouble on my latest purchase a rose gold and black diamond ring:  Ooooooo, it looks too small for you and look at that it fits on my pinky, you should give it to me for my birthday! 

(admittedly she'll be 60 this year, but her birthday isn't until September and I'd like to point out that she told me not to buy it.  (Maybe cause I dont have a job?) I did get it back though, its gorgeous! I think I found my new favorite stone, and black is supposed to absorb the negative energy around you...)

PYT to Trouble (we were kinda on the outs but not really more on that later): You soo don't sound like you grew up in Bed- Stuy, say totally or dude or something....

Trouble to PYT: You're lucky your cute or you would've gotten popped in the mouth for that shit

PYT to Trouble (he was getting his ass kicked at Monopoly handing me two singles):  I always pay the strippers with ones. 

(it sounds fucked up but it was funny when he said it and even funnier when I said the following...)

Trouble to PYT (paying him his rent, I dropped the singles on the floor and said):  Yesssss darling now pick them up slow for Mama

And can I just say if I haven't said it before that I love Snoop Dogg!  Ego Trippin  did not disappoint but I'm renaming "SD is Out" to Oooo Weee.  Thing I can't stop saying "Stacks in my jeans, Phantom up in my garage.  My pockets look like ReRun your pockets look like Rog"

Some Shit

No, no more poop tales.

• from time to time, Hautechick and I will end up in hysterical laughter when talking to one another on the phone.  Most recently, she said something about how I always got along with the Artist and that I need to find her a brother in law that she gets along with too.  That lead me to saying that, no, actually I didn't always get along with the Artist, he used to get on my last nerve.  It was Hautechicks fault, she used to tell him all of these embarrassing stories about me, usually things that I did as a child, and he would tease me.   I hated it.  So Hautechick asked me what happened that got him to stop teasing me.  And for a second I couldn't remember.  Then it hit me, it was the time I was hanging out with the two of them (Hautechick, Mommy, and I all still lived together then) and we were inebriated, to say the least, and the Artist went upstairs to use the bathroom and passed out.  He hit the floor so hard that we heard it downstairs.  My mom ended up calling Hautey to come check on him and she found him on the floor with his pants (and underwear) around his ankles.  Just typing about it makes me incredibly giggly.  
• So I think it was yesterday that I got this email announcing $8 fares on a certain airline.  Then today on the news I hear that same airline has been under investigation by the FAA for flying planes that have not been inspected.  
• My god daughter, Monkey Girl, had another recital tonight.  I love that child but can I just say shit, damn, motherfucking 3 hour program, including a got damned dance piece that I saw last time, a whole bunch of teachers on stage so called modeling, and Monkey Girl was only in the last 5 minutes of the damned thing!  I swear...
• Speaking of the recital, I heard about it from Monkey Girl's step family, Step Grandma called me and asked me to get her a leotard and for my help in finding a dress for a formal event coming up in April.  But thats not the point.  The point is, I walk in start looking around for familiar faces and who should wave and quietly call my name, SuperSlag.  Don't choke someone out one time and they think yall cool again.  Buuuut, she had the baby with her and oh does she know how I am a sucker for baby girls.  Actually, its the clothes shopping that I love.  I swear Monkey Girl was dressed to the nines when she was a wee one, and the new one reminds me alot of her.  She's so tiny.  So I sat, behind not next to her, I still don't trust her with my back.  Her and WackThug (baby daddy) actually drove me home.  
• Cousin T's Mom is in the hospital, I'm gonna send her some flowers tomorrow.  She's in my thoughts...
• I had a discussion with Mommy about me moving out of state.  But that lasted just until she told me that I couldn't take Duke with me.  Any time something needs to be cleaned because of him, he's my dog, which is 98% of the time.  Of course he would become her dog on this issue.
• This is kinda wussy but, I can't leave Duke.  He's getting old, I dont know how much time I have left with him, and I'd really be mad at myself if I missed out on it
• My mom has one of those KitchenAid Stand Mixers (how gorgeous is this dark purple one?) my dad brought it for her as a gift.  That means its really old (if you haven't been following along, my dad died when I was 8) and kind of precious to her.  That mixer has made plenty of delectable treats so I've always loved it, but I've also always shied away from using it.  That has soooo changed.  One of my favorite things to make is pizza with homemade dough.  That mixer cut my prep time down by so much and made everything sooo easy.  I've fallen in love with it.  I usually only make pizza about 4 times a year, cause the dough is such a bitch to make.  I made it twice in the last two weeks.  The one with wine soaked mushrooms was reallllly gewd.
• Someone set off a small explosive at the Military Recruiting Station in Times Square early this morning.  Its the third incident in which a man on a bike has set off a small explosive device in the early hours of the morning in NYC  since 1998 (I think it was 98)  No one was hurt.
• I made a bouquet of balloon tulips for Monkey Girl...

A Business Decision

I went back and forth with myself on whether or not to write this post.  But if there is one thing that I am, its honest.  And if there is one thing that I learned since I started blogging, its that sometimes getting it out is very therapeutic.  So here it goes, I was laid off.

Actually happened back in December, and BossMan very (insert tongue in cheek) generously is still paying my salary.  I came back from vacation, determined to make the best of my job.  And for two whole days I was popping!  Then BossMan called me into his office and asked me to close the door.  The first thing out of my mouth was, "Am I in trouble?"  I was smiling when I said it, but I had a very bad feeling.  The next few minutes, to be honest, were a blur.  Mainly because BossMan was rambling.  He said something about administrative cost, and budget restructuring, and finding a place for me if I wanted, and continuing to pay me for awhile.  "Wait a minute, I don't understand what you're telling me.  I'm fired?"  There was some hemming and hawing and some thats not how I would put its and some I really care about what happens to you and some I'm sure that you will excel wherever you decided to gos, but what it boiled down to was yes, I was fired.  Laid off, what the fuck ever you want to call it, it blows.

I mean at first I was hurt.  He offered to let me leave then, but if I'm honest, I'm also proud, so I told him I would finish the week.  I realize now that offer was for his comfort, not mine.  He has never spent so much time out of the office as he did that week.  He should feel uncomfortable, fucker.  Executive decision to devote more funds to d's and a's and less to administrative staff my ass.  I mean sure I was making about as much as CrapCakes and Bambi combined, but I also put up with his bullshit for 7 fucking years and am not mentally and socially retarded.  What it really boils down to is that I was the only person making very nice money that was not related to him.  Combine that with the fact that they were going to implement profit sharing and time based bonuses and vacations and I would have been making very nice money indeed.  Add to it, that Madame BigShot was pushing for my removal and it makes a very bitter recipe for humble pie.

As you can see, the hurt quickly turned to anger, then morphed into a kind of "fuck it I'll be better off" mentality.  This was in part due to the fact, that I haven't had to work since he's still paying my salary.  It gives me time to find the right job, not the just the job that will pay the bills.  Alot of my friends and family can't believe that he is still paying me, but I'm to the point where I know I deserved it.  I don't wish him ill, but I certainly won't be keeping in touch like he hoped.  I can use CFO as a reference if I need to.  He was very upset to find out that BossMan let me go.  I think it was in good part because he had nothing to do with the decision and he hates to be left out of company matters.  Rightfully so, since his dad and him are also major investors.  

So I'm home, spending time with my god daughter and the rest of my family.  Cleaning and renovating my apartment - still cant find a got damned sofa that I like though.  Playing with Duke.  Cooking.  I still plan on heading out to California, just not as soon as I had hoped.  If I dont get on it soon, my god mother has threatened to come and get me.  Even though I've been home for 2 1/2 months, she insists that I need a break.

And hey, if any one is in the market for an overpriced, highly intelligent, self motivated, snarky, bad ass Executive/Personal Assistant, keep your girl in mind! (I see you Puffy - you know you want me.  You'll just have to take my word that I'm cute, cause I'll be damned if I submit a picture like this is some sorta internet dating service instead of a got damned job application.  What the fuck were you thinking?!?)

Idiot Box

Here's a list of random, sometimes crappy stuff that I watch on tv regularly. Now take into consideration that I have never in my life had cable, and The Muppet Show is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Just a twinge above Sesame Street, I got a real thing for Big Bird...

• Bones - for some reason I love this show. If you've never seen it, it comes on fox, but you can watch it online at fox.com or at hulu.com (more on hulu later) Its about a ferensic anthropologist who works with an FBI agent (Angel, you know David what's his name from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which by the by you can also watch on hulu) to solve murders. Its kinda grim but theres some humor and I like all of the characters. And its based on the life of Kathy Reichs. The anthropologist on the show - Temperance Brennan (can't remember the chicks real name and dont feel like looking it up) is insanely smart, a social misfit, and kicks ass from time to time
• Extreme Makeover Home Edition - I really can't put my finger on why, but I really like this show. Maybe because I love real estate, or I think the idea is a noble one, but in any case it usually makes me cry or at least sniffle. The show actually got sued a while back. Because of the rehabilitation of the properties, the owners property taxes went up and they wanted the show to cover the increase.
• I didn't watch it, but Mommy and Other Mother both watched A Raisin in the Sun and thought that Puffy must have paid someone to get that part. I don't know, maybe he financed the production. But speaking of plays, Mommy (if I'm not mistaken) is currently at the matinee preview performance of Cat on A Hot Tin Roof with James Earl Jones, Phylicia Rashad, Terrance Howard and Anika Noni Rose (you know the other woman in the Dreamgirls remake - which I never bothered to see)
• The Pussycat Dolls Presents Girlicious - its soooo very vapid and terrible, that its enjoyable. I think there are only about 2 or 3 girls on the show that can actually sing, but then again I always thought the same thing about the Pussycat Dolls.  I'm not even going to lie and act like I didn't watch the one the had one last season too.  Very fucked up what they did to Asia after she won...
• Girlfriends - although it hasn't been the same since the departure of Toni, its been pretty good lately. I was, however highly dissapointed with the last episode I saw in which Joan goes to visit her fiancee's public school. What a deragatory picture of a inner city school they painted! My cousin (Cousin T) has taught at one of the lowest performing schools in NYC, and while shit went down, it was never like that bullshit. Maybe I'm overreacting and shit is really that terrible out in CA. PB, did you see that episode?
• A-Team, Fantasy Island and Air Hawk on hulu.com. Its a really great site that lets you watch episodes and clips from multiple networks as well as some shows that are no longer on the air like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You have to be invited to be a member or do like I did and sign up to be a beta tester at hulu.com. Bravo kinda squelched on the deal cause they took their content off of Itunes and claimed they were going to put it on hulu but all they have on their is clips last time I looked, no full episodes. In the clips of Project Runway, they don't even show you what the finished designs look like.
• CSI - the original one. Actually haven't caught too many this season, but last season with the miniature killer was kick ass. Loved that it turned out to be a woman. NY and Miami versions are alright too, but they really don't compare to the original.
• Law & Order SVU - I used to love the original but I guess Jerry Orbach was holding the whole thing together cause after his death, I really didn't enjoy it anymore. I watch the reruns whenever I'm at my sisters house (she has cable.) I used to like Homicide: Life On the Street when Munch was on it and I like him on SVU. Plus everyone else, specially Olivia and Elliot. And the new guy is fun to look at
• World News Tonight with Charles Gibson - mainly cause he calls himself Charlie.  I find the news depressing most of the time and think alot of news anchors are phony.  Overly sad on the bad stories and frighteningly cheery on the good ones.  Charlie Gibson seems genuine to me, I appreciate his delivery and never feel like he is forcing his opinion (or someone else's) down my throat.  I tend to like the news team on ABC the best out of all the local networks, especially when they put Marvell Scott in a tight fitting t-shirt (and he's a MD!)

Speaking of poop...

When I was a sophmore in high school, Hautechick was a freshman in college. Since she spent high school locked up at an all girls boarding school, she decided to go to college in NYC and live at home to save some dough. I wanted to kill her for that decision. The main reason was because of our bathroom situation. Three women (well I was a young woman at the time) and one freaking bathroom. Mommy and I had pretty much worked out how to not inconvenience each other when here comes Ms. Stink Booty.

Here would be my typical morning routine in high school; Wake up and wait for Mommy to finish in the bathroom, use the toilet, brush my teeth, start the shower (it was an old house, took awhile for the water to get hot), and as soon as I put both feet in the tub, there would be a knock on the door. "Troub let me in, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The first couple of times I felt sorry for her and let her in. Each and everytime, I wouldn't be able to smell anything for the next 2 hours! I have no idea what the hell she was eating in those days, but boy did my nose sure suffer. Soo, I took to not letting her in. That worked a couple of times, then she decided to get Mommy involved, "Mommy! Trouble won't let me in the bathroom and I reallllllly have to go!" Of course I had to let her in, but usually by this time I would be done with my shower (I think I got it down to about 5 minutes to soap up and rinse off) and just lotion up in my room.

It wasn't until my junior year that I decided to get revenge. I would sneak downstairs to Hautechick's room while Mommy was in the shower. Then I would either sneak into her closet and steal her clothes/shoes/sneakers/bags/etc. or if I knew she got in really late the night before I would just ask her. When she would mumble something back (I told you, I come from a a family of sleep talkers. Just the other night Mommy asked me out of nowhere, "Does it have a finished basement?" She must have been dreaming about her vacation home.) I would take that as a yes and boogie. The clothes were cool and all, but they still didn't make up for all of the singed nose hairs.

Til this day, whenever Hautechick comes over, she always wants to use my bathroom. Doesn't matter that Mommy's apartment has one and a half baths, she still wants to use mine. And if I tell her no, Mommy says, "Oh stop being mean and let your sister use your bathroom!" (I notice that Duke always vacates the premises whenever she gets to pooping)

Endnote: This is kinda gross, but the reason this post popped into my head is cause Hautechick recently told me that she tried that new pro biotic yogurt. You know the one that as Tina Fey put it, makes you poop. Wellll, she sooo did not need to try that. On top of being highly highly regular, she's also a little lactose intolerant. All I have to say is that I feel really sorry that her husband and her co-workers had to go through that genius experiment with her. To them I gift some frankincense, myrrh, and some of that air displacing stuff...

SuperSlag Update

I actually spent about 2 hours with my worthless cousin yesterday. Cousin T was there to make sure she didn't say something she might regret, and that I didn't choke the shit out of her on gp. I also finally got to meet her new daughter. She's looks a lot like her older sister did when she was that age. But she's having problems pooping. Usually I dont talk about baby poop but I'm putting it out there cause child is not at all happy.

Seems that the formula that she's on (I'm all for breast feeding!) has a lot of iron in it. Plus something else that she takes has a lot of iron in it, so shes all backed up. Someone (ghetto) suggested that she put some soap up the baby's butt, but that just seems wrong to me on sooo many levels. I mean, soap kinda burns doesn't it? There's got to be something a little more natural and less burny than soapy for the little monkey, right? So any suggestions on how to get a backed up baby to poop?

The reason that SuperSlag and I were together was to go to her sons basketball game. He was supposed to have 2 games yesterday, one at 12 and another at 2. We get there at 2 and SS dont know where the game is going to be at. We finally get in touch with SuperSlags ex and he tells us the games, both of them, are already over. Way to keep track asshat! I mean I know you have the baby and all, but you can't write the information down on a calender or someshit? What the fuck. And stop letting people put soap up your babies butt! Sheesh!

Curses!

I seem to be cursed with people who think that it is okay to pop back into my life after 4, 5 or 6 years of abscence.

There is the former co-worker. We haven't worked together since 1998, but when I first moved into the house, she used to live around the corner. I would see her from time to time with her daughter. We even exchanged numbers becuase there was a question that she wanted to ask me about CDCs (Community Development Corporations.) She calls to ask me the question, then when I call her back to give her the answer, no response. (I should point out that I am not one of those people who will leave the information on a voicemail, either you speak to me or no go.) Skip ahead 5 years and why is this woman calling my mothers line looking for me (I'm not listed.) We haven't spoken in 5 years and you think its cool to call my Mom and ask her to give you my number? Like that was really going to happen.

The old, "Oh, we're old friends, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you gave me her number" ploy might work somewhere else, but not with the Mother of Snark. "Weelllll, her number hasn't changed in over 7 years so if you had it once, you still have it. I don't feel comfortable giving out her number, but if you'd like to leave yours, I'll gladly pass it along." Not to mention chick lives in North Carolina now. I really dont see the point in spending money on long distance to speak to someone that I haven't thought about in 4 years. Specially not after the last time we spoke.

I think I may have mentioned the former high school buddy that moved to South Africa during college. I sent her emails, no response. Hell I even ran into people that saw her while she was in NYC visiting. You didn't want to see me then, why the fuck are you calling me now?!? It been at least 10 years, what the hell could we possibly have to say to one another?

My godparents are the major fuck ups. (Not to be confused with my God Mother in Cali) They decided to move to Atlanta when I was a junior in High School. Got maybe one letter and have seen them maybe once since then. These people have the nerve to call my Mom to let her know how dissappointed they are that I didn't keep in touch. What the fuck! You were the adults in the situation, why was it my responsibility to keep in touch? And why wait fucking 12 years to bring that shit up. Fuck off. No seriously, I know one of you was my dad's best friend, but I'm pretty sure he would tell you to fuck off too!