The Bald Pussy

I'm not speaking in code, or calling anybody a name, I'm really gonna do a post about bald pussies and why I'm not a fan.  Not that I'm a fan of pussy or anything, strictly dickly thank you!  

But it seems to be the "in" thing for women to do.  I think it was Eva Longoria who said something about how a brazilian wax makes her feel sexy.  Uh, what the fuck is so sexy about having a pussy that looks like it belongs on a 5 year old girl?!  Before puberty hit, I couldn't wait til I had some hair down there cause I figured that meant that I was grown.  Now you want me to rip my badge of womanhood out by the roots!?!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Don't get me wrong, I don't condone a wild bush.  When I was at the Levian Cult Camp, I had this counselor whose bush used to stick out the sides of her bathing suit.  All puffy and shit, and I used to think, why doesn't she cut that shit down.  I'm all for trimming and maintaining.  But why the fuck do I have to be bald?

Last March I was on my way to Cancun for a week so I went for a wax.  I usually shave because you can do it whenever but in the winter my skin gets really sensitive so I figured that the wax would last me longer with less irritation.  I didn't ask for a brazilian, yet chick was gonna take everything off.  "What are you doing?!?  Not bald, shit, I'm a grown woman and would like all my parts to look like it thank you!"  "You dont want clean?"  "yes clean, no bald - leave me a strip at least!"

Why do people assume that hairless is cleaner? Its actually not. The hair is there to prevent things from getting into the cooch.  Its a defense, and I'm all about the defense!  So you take off all the hair and all those little things that might have gotten stuck in your pubes are now in your cooch!  Gross yet true.  (Ladies please properly clean your cooches, thank you!)

Bald pussy also makes me think of changing diapers.  Which makes me think of shit, which is definitely not sexy.  

I've heard guys say shit like, "I'm not going down on a woman unless she's bald down there."  Meanwhile they have no problem trying to stick their hairy balls down a woman throat.  Reciprocity momo!  I'm not asking you to shave your base and balls for me.  Shit, a little pubic hair in the mouth never killed anyone as far as I know.

So in conclusion I say, ladies, keep your hair, but keep it neat.  And to the fellas I say, do you really wanna look at a pussy that could belong to a 5 year old girl?! (if you do you need to seek some serious help)

Why the Heck Not?

notice I didn't say H - E - double hockey sticks in the title? Thats cause I feel back saying the alternate name for the underworld when I'm about to "sing" this song to you guys. I actually contemplated singing this one to you guys, its one of the few semi-religious songs I remember from the Levian Cult Camp. Eh, what the hell!

The Lord Said to Noah
Theres gonna be a floody floody
Lord said to Noah
theres gonna be a floody floody
Get them children
out of the muddy muddy
Children of the lord!

Chorus
So rise
and shine
and give God the glory glory
rise and shine
and give God the glory glory
rise and shine and
give God the glory glory
Children of the Lord

Sooooo Noah
he built them
he built them an arky arky
Noah
he built them
he built them an arky arky
Made it out of
Hickory barky barky
Children of the Lord

Everybody!
Chorus

The animals
they came on
they came on by twosies twosies
the animals
they came on
they came on by twosies twosies
(this is my favorite part!)
Elephants and kangaroosies roosies (HA!)
Children of the Lord

Chorus!

It rained
and poured
for forty daysies daysies
rained and poured
for forty daysies daysies
drove them amnals (easier to sing if you say amnals - and cuter!)
nearly crazy crazy
Children of the Lord!

I suppose theres more, but I used to be to busy gigglin over kangaroosies and amnals by this point to be paying attention!

In a while crocodiles...

LoOnY

BossMan is sending me home cause I just started laughing uncontrollably. You'd think he'd be used to my outburst by now. But anywho, the reason for the outburst was that I remembered part of another song that I learned at Levian Cult Camp, and boy is it a doozy!

We had a chicken
that laid no eggs
we had a chicken
that laid no eggs
and I said, "Honey,
it isn't funny,
to have a chicken
that lays no eggs."

One day that rooster
came into our yard
and caught that chicken
right off her guard
We're having eggs now
just like we used to
ever since that rooster
came into our yard

we had a cow
that gave no milk
we had a cow
that gave no milk
and I said, "Honey,
it isn't funny
to have a cow
that gives no milk."

one day that rooster
came into our yard
and caught that cow
right off her guard
we're having egg creams
just like we used to
ever since that rooster
came into our yard

we had a dog
that had no pups
we had a dog
that had no pups
and I said "Honey,
it isn't funny
to have a dog
that has no pups."

One day that rooster
came into our yard
and caught that dog
right off her guard
we're having pooched (HAHAHAHAHA!) eggs
just like we used to
ever since that rooster came into our yard!

I think there were other verses, but thats all I remember for now.

See ya later al-li-gor-ator! (tee hee)

Just a Boy and a Girl

Here's another song I learned at the Lesbian Cultist Training Grounds. Funny enough it actually has a boy in it
Did I mention I'm loads of fun at kids parties?


Just a boy and a girl in a little canoe
with the moon shining all around
she plied her paddle so
you couldn't even hear a sound
and they talked and they talked til the moon grew thin
She said you better kiss me or get out and swim

Oh! What cha gonna do in that little canoe
with the moon shining all a
girls paddlin all a
boys swimming all around!

In A Little Cabin...

Last night was weird. I did two post, which I almost never do on the weekend, then I went downstairs at around midnight with every intention of going to sleep. No such luck. It was around 2 am when I decided that my toenails were too long and I had to cut them. It was 3 am when I realized, I needed to change my sheets. It was 4:30 when I realized that I cant go to sleep in my clean sheets unless I'm clean too, so I took a shower. I'm doing my best impressions of Alicia, and Chrisette, and Amy. I'm practicing booty poppin in the mirror (I once saw this video with a stripper who could pop each of her ass cheeks individually. How does one discover that they can do such a thing? Practice apparently cause I can pop the left one - I'm still working on the right side) and I realize that I've got to go to work in the morning. So I put on my favorite sleep shirt and get in the bed, put on some slow music, burn a stick of Sweet Dreams and I'm wide a-fucking wake. So I turn off the music and start singing.

Singing has always been a bit of a security blanket for me. When I was little I used to walk around singing little songs that I made up. Hautey on occasion could be convinced to collaborate and together we penned the hits "He Didn't Even Say Goodbye" (for our craptastic older half brother" and "Boobydon" (for our Daddy!) When I was 9, Mommy decided to send Hautey and I to sleep away camp for the first time. I hated it! HATED IT! First off, there were no boys, and even 9 year old Trouble knew nothing good could come of a place with no boys. Then there was the fact that it was all girls. Plus the separated me from Hautey and my cousins who were also there that year. AND they used to make us get up at the ass crack of Dawn to tramp through the woods and pray. Like 4 times a week. They called it a Lutheran Girls Camp, I called it a training ground for cultist lesbians. I hated it!

My first day I got into a fight with the only other brown girl in the cabin. She was mixed and thought it would be fun to point out to the other people in the cabin that I didn't wash my hair everyday. I told her I didn't have to and that my hair was different from hers, and that I was sure that there were people in her family who didn't wash their hair everyday either. She apparently didn't like the reminder that I wasn't the only brown one and poured shampoo on my head. Lucky for her ass, Mommy had cornrowed my hair so it wasn't so bad, but she was trying to embarrass me so I proceed to beat the crap outta her with that shampoo bottle. Funny enough the other girls in the cabin came to my defense, so I didn't get in trouble. But when they told Hautey that I had gotten into a fight she came running across the camp and fell down a hill (wish I could have seen it, from what I hear it was hilarious except for the fact that she kinda hurt herself!)

Excuse me for a moment while I chuckle at the image of my gangly 12 year old sister rolling down a hill.


So they only thing that made camp bearable was the songs I learned. One of which helped put me to sleep at 6 am this morning. It's like the BINGO song, as you sing it over you take out a line til there are none left.

In a little cabin in the woods
little man by the window stood
saw a rabbit hopping by
knocking at my door
"Help me! Help me! Help!"
he said
"fore the hunter shoots me dead!"
Come little rabbit
come inside
safely to abide!