The Make Up

So Four let me be mad for like a day. Then he called me and asked if we could get together and discuss what was going on. I have to give him this, the man is smart and he really pays attention to me. I've never been the type of woman to yell and scream at a man that I'm seeing but Four made sure that wasn't even an option. In fact he made sure that I was going to be as happy as possible before we got down to brass tacks. What did he do? He picked me up and took me to Five Guys! Yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach! How could I be really pissed when I knew he was taking me to my favorite burger joint. So even though we started the conversation in the car on the way there, I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

We got through it calmly, with a frank and open conversation about what was really the heart of the matter. I felt as if he really didn't want to go and showed it by trying to cut it so close with getting there, He felt that I just completely shut him down and gave up on him. This is especially poignant because the previous week I had told him how I usually dump guys after three months rather than invest more time with them. He thought that was what I was doing to him since it was about three months since we have been dating. Funny thing is, that have never even crossed my mind. I actually think that I might be falling in love, but since that would be something that I have never done before I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

Four broke up with a long time girlfriend at the end of last year and it really sent him for a loop. I personally think the woman was an idiot with self esteem issues but to be honest I am extremely greatful to the dummy. I mean without her fucking up, I wouldn't be with him now, and if it hadn't ended as badly as it did, then I dont think Four would even have considered dating me. It's not that he wouldn't have been attracted to me cause lets face it, I'm a hottie. But I am not anything like the typical woman that he dates. Despite gaining about 20 pounds (in all the right places!) since January, I'm still alot slimmer than the women that he has dated in the past. As he put it, he usually goes for the big body model and that is definitely not me. Also I have never had a problem admitting when I'm wrong - Four calls it my auto correct feature. Then there is the fact that we joke around alot more than either one of us have ever done with a partner. It is not unusual for me to call him a jerk at least once during a conversation and vice versa. We constantly make fun of each other and ourselves and laughter is a big part of our relationship.

All this has kinda helped me to realized what I've been missing in my relationships in the past. Four travels alot for work and his latest assignment is a 6 month stint in Philly. He started last week and brought me with him. I have to admit that it gave me a taste of what a housewife would feel like, sending him off to work in the morning, greeting him in some naughty lingerie when he got back. But it also kind of spoiled me, I miss falling asleeep and waking up next to him. I think I've got it bad...

Back in Brooklyn

So I didn't get a chance to finish the Richmond story while I was actually there, because Four was with me for the rest of the trip. I got back into Brooklyn on Monday, sleepy as shit due to a 6 am flight after 2 hours of sleep. By time I was getting into my nap on the plane we were landing! I had a great time! Even Four nearly passing out after the hot tub was fun! I told him not to drink too much wine before we got in!

I discovered alot on this trip. Chick-fil-a, target selling wine (and fireworks!), scattered hash browns from Waffle House, strong ass drinks in the clubs, and thats just the food and drink related stuff. I also found out that I could go away with a man and not want to kill him. And that living in NYC has spoiled me - I've had my drivers licence for over 10 years and I've driven maybe 10 times since then. That changed in VA. First I had to pick up the rental car before Four arrived. Then I took a trip to Target and Chick-fil-a, then I had to pick up Four from the airport. I also drove on Sunday since Four has a bad back and was all drugged up when it started bothering him.

For the most part, I really like his friends. They are all well educated, highly hilarious individuals. Get them together and its great jokes, and amazing conversation. And the men are almost all 6 feet tall or better, I felt like a midget in my flats! After the rehearsal dinner, we headed out to a club and it was hilarious for several reasons. It was interesting to watch the women in the club react to the guys we were with. And it was funny watching their reactions when the realized that just about all of them had hit the club with a woman by their side! Oh the hate, not that I can be mad at them. Then there was the dude that sweated out his whole suit. You would have thought that he would take his jacket off once he started dancing and sweating but you would be wrong. At the end of the night, he even danced his way out of the club. There was also a cover band that did an r&b version of Mrs. Officer. It reminded me of the wedding singer from The Hangover. I think I giggled through their whole set. I also found it interesting that the men there were alot older than the women, at least they looked older.

The wedding was beautiful. Black love is a gorgeous thing! The bride and groom make a beautiful couple. And the wedding cake was fantastic! We headed out to a club after the wedding but let me skip back to the part where I said that I like all of his friends for the most part. There was one chick there that I was really contemplating punching in the throat! I might have mentioned that Four and I went to the same high school and that he was two years behind me. Well this chick also went to our high school and was a year behind Four. So after the wedding Four introduces me to her and ask if I remember her from school, which I didn't. I stopped paying attention to the underclassmen that were behind Four. Didn't really know them and didn't really care to. My senior year, when she would have been a freshman, I was more concerned with getting out of there without having to kill someone.

But the school was very small, I think there was something like 87 kids in the whole school the year I graduated. And while I wasn't too concerned with making new friends my senior year, I was also captain of three sports teams, in the chorus and jazz band, in at least two plays, and on student government. So when Four asked me if I knew her, I couldnt say that I did at the time. He introduces me as his date and then says loud enough for her to hear, that we all went to the same high school. We get to the reception and Four is off talking to some of his friends, and I'm standing by our table with a couple that I met down there (by the way, I loved these two. Shes, let call her L, incredibly snarky!) and this chick is going to say to me, "so who do you know, the bride or the groom?" L shoots me a look and I'm thinking is this chick trying to make me feel like an outsider, because its clear that everyone knows each other, either because they went to school together, or because they are coupled up with people who went to school together. I tell her that I'm here with Jason and she hits me with an "Oh". You know they kind I'm talking about, thats laced with disdain. About 5 minutes later L ask me what the hell is that chicks problem and I truly cannot tell. I should also mention that it was about 5 minutes into the reception and she was already smelling like someone dumped 2 gallons of liquor on her head. The chick was down there with her husband, who has met a number of the crew before but is still a bit of an outsider like me. She left poor dude alone at the table for most of the evening and lord only knows where she went.

At the end of the night, after L and I made numerous jokes at her expense (I may not have a relaxer in my hair, but I know enough about them to say that she was about 6 weeks past needing a touch up - you trying to tell me that she's never heard of a flat iron?!) her and her poor husband are leaving and she's going to come up to me and say, "it was nice meeting you." And I say, we aren't just meeting, we went to the same high school and she comes back with a "yeah, but I don't remember you." Really bitch, for some reason I doubt that highly. While I may not remember too many underclassmen that I didn't have personal relationships with, I sure as hell remember all of the people who were ahead of me in school. I spoke at graduation, which all the underclassmen attended. I was one of the leads in the senior play, which again all the underclassmen attended. I was all over that school and you dont remember me? I'm just gonna say I doubt it and leave it at that.

Anyway back to me and Four. We discovered that we both have a sick sense of humor, which we already kind of knew but it was further demonstrated being around so many sharp witted people. We also discovered that he likes to play in my locks, although hes usually not even aware that he's doing it. We discovered that we really like sleeping next to one another, he's a great spooner. And when I got back, we discovered that we really missed sleeping next to one another. He's out of town on business and called me this morning around 8 just to hear my voice. We are turning into a very sappy couple.

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now.  I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship.  We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me.  We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day.  This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro.  Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was.  He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while.  He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance.  One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out!  Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to.  On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along?  Most definitely.  I put alot of thought into my outfit.  Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag.  Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female.  So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt.  Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go.  Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me.  I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.  

Four gives great hugs.  I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch.  But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it!  But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner.  We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there.  Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing.  But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side.  We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance."  That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?"  But no the second thing is not true.  I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.)  So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four.  I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling.  Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted.  Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice.  And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go.  We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great.  We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either.  He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that.  He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off.  Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date.  I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like?  So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door.  For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs.  It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss.  So what do I do?  I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him.  You'd be wrong.  Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me.  You'd still be wrong.  You know what my smooth ass does?  I mush him!

Somethings

So I reallly try hard not to hate on GP, so when I found myself disliking Sarah Palin, I had to explore my reasoning.  So I did a little research.  Now, I want to start off by saying a couple of things.  I'm not a democrat.  That right, Trouble is a proud Independent.  I actually voted for Ralph Nader in the last election.  (my reasoning, not that I need to justify my decisions, was that since I couldn't get behind either of the candidates on the major party tickets, I would try and lend my vote to getting the green party a voice in the next election.  Didn't work and were still stuck in a pseudo democracy, but it's not for lack of trying on my part.)  While I voted for Hilary Clinton to become a senator in New York, I never considered her a viable candidate for President.  (for me she had her chance when Bill was in office and for that matter so did he.  let's try something new since the old shit is obviously not working.)  I do feel that as a country, our moral character is atrocious, but I don't think that religion is the answer or has a place in government.  (and yes I cannot help but hold the mother accountable for the actions of the daughter.  that however has absolutely nothing to do with politics.)  

Now, on to what I don't like about the Republican vice presidential nominee.  Ok, fine the average American does take more than 4 years to finish college, and most of us I'm sure have gone to more than one college.  But that just it,  the AVERAGE American.  I don't think that anything about our President in Waiting (cause lets be honest dude is reallly old and his health is not the best.  in fact John McCain is something like 23 years older than the state of Alaska) should be average.  We're talking about the so called leaders of the free world.  They should be fan-fucking-tastic in every damn way.  Exceptional even.  Not former weather girls or whatever she was.  Yeah we had presidents who were actors, but actors have to actually memorize line.  Television reporters read from teleprompters.  I'm not knocking television reporters, there are some exceptional ones, but she wasn't one of those either now was she?

And I know this is totally irrational and somewhat petty, but fuck it I'm entitled to my opinion, I hate her style.  It's tacky.  The "oh I'm so busy and unconcerned with my looks but make sure my bangs look good" hairstyle drives me insane.  I was so fucking happy to see a picture of her with her hair down it was ridiculous.  And I know that she's worn glasses since she was a little kid, but I still feel like she wears them so that people will take her seriously.  Besides that I hate them.  Whats the point of a rimless lens only to have that big metal side bar.  The dude who makes them was like, oh thats nice that she made my glasses popular, but don't think I'm backing her or anything.  (not a direct quote, but he really did say that - check the associated press if you like.)  And then there's this picture of her sitting in what they say is her office (there's a whole debate going about her taste in decorating, but some people say thats not her office)  in what have got to be the ugliest pair of red wedge flip flops.  That really bothers me, I mean flip flops and Alaska just don't go together in my mind.  But beyond that, you telling me Haviana's won't deliver to the Governor of Alaska?  Come the fuck on, you can do better.

And that exactly the point.  I'm no where near what you would call a McCain fan, but he could do soooo much better.  It's like Jason Bourne said, it's like a bad fucking Disney movie.  Actually it's more like one of those knock off Disney-type movies.  I bet old Mike Eisner rejected 50 stories similar to this.  And worse,  I'm pretty sure the rest of the fucking world are continuing to laugh at the stooopid fucking Americans (hey, completely random but you know Bucket is a great replacement for saying Fuck It and just as much fun!)  

Let's take a minute to talk about First Dude.  So not cool.  We are supposed to believe that Palin is this independent career driven woman that lets nothing stop her, and yet her husband always with her to the point that he's billing the state of Alaska for his time?  Just how much influence is he going to have?  The press has had a field day talking about the other spouses, even went so far as to call Michelle unAmerican but not so much info out there about Todd.  I've heard that he was/may still be part of a group that would like for Alaska to secede from the United States, but I'm not sure if thats true.  Regardless, I would like to know more.

I'm really just kind of hoping she goes the way of Geraldine Ferraro, I can't even remember whose running mate she was supposed to be.

A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

The Rat

So I'm at Nostrand Avenue train station, which is just about as bad as Utica for sighting rats.  I'm walking toward the back of the Express platform because even though I need the local, I know that downstairs is like, I can't even come up with something its like cause its like nothing else you've ever seen.  Rats every fucking where.  And bold as shit too, don't think that stomping your foot is going to scare them off.  So, I'm walking towards the back of the train and I see dude sitting there and I'm thinking that I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting on the stairs with as many rats as there are at Nostrand.  And just as I think that I see a rat by the edge of the platform.  I'm still kinda far, Nostrand Ave is a long ass station, but it looks like the rat is closer to me than the man is.  So I keep walking and as is my way, my mind starts to wonder.  Where the fuck it goes, I haven't the foggiest, so if you come across it, just make sure it doesn't cause too much damage.  (I was going to say trouble, but you were expecting that weren't you?)

I had my iPod with me so I'm sure I was singing along to something.  All of a sudden I see the man jump up about 5 feet in the air and I see the rat running away.  What.  The. Fuck.  Right?  I mean did I really just see that.  Did I really just see that rat sneak up on the dude and try to crawl up his shorts?!?  Yes.  The.  Fuck.  I.  Did.  And nearly passed the fuck out for him.  I mean the leap in the air, in retrospect, was hilarious.  But I couldn't even laugh because I was so fucking disgusted.  So dude says to me, "You didn't just see that!  You can not tell anyone one that you saw me scream like a girl."  And I'm all private school snarky ass black chick with the, "Seriously are you kidding me?!?  It was a fucking rat in your pants!   I sooooo saw that and I'm soo writing about it on my blog!"

The Whatnot

If you were wondering where I've been, I was severely depressed after LadyShay came to New York, turned me on to the ways of Sapphic love and then abandoned me.  After which I briefly stalked Taimak from the Last Dragon, which lead me to discover the death of Julius Carry which further deepened my depression.  The situation was further exacerbated (whoa, I spelled that right on the first try- and I'm about to use it correctly!) when I discovered that two of the most disgusting, unattractive people I know are getting married (If a woman who has no problem spreading her thighs on the beach so that she can pick at her numerous razor bumps and I guy who has so many cavities that he doesn't even have to open his mouth for you to see them can find love, why the fuck can't I?  Probably cause my ass is way too picky for some of these half assed dudes...) The depression abruptly lifted upon discovering the deliciousness that is Peaches (a restaurant) and smothering my blues in copious amounts of Chicken Fried Chicken from the Comfort Diner, Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries from 5 Guys (I am obsessed with 5 Guys - The Artist calls them crackburgers), spoiling my Mom with a Mojito soaked lunch at Cabana, discovering the funnocity that is Wii, washing an incredibly big dog who hates water and throwing myself into my work.  You would think that I'd have gained some weight, but you'd be wrong, tummy's still 100 good sit ups away from a 6 pack.  Ahh it is wonderful to be naturally thin. (and don't worry that food was supplemented with organic heart healthy oatmeal for breakfast and plenty of fruits and vegetables!)  

Smooches Hooches!

Rock me sexy jesus...

...never heard the song, but everytime I hear the title I always giggle.  

Sooo, TheJob is spanking my ass.  And since I love a good spank, I adore TheJob.  The challenge, the people, the candy.  I got it though an amazing temporary agency that I would love to recommend to people in the NYC area, but I gotta see a copy of your resume first, cause I'm not sending them duds, ya feel me.  That's also why I'm not posting the name of the agency on my blog.  Anyway, I'm working hard, using a good 80% of my brain, which is a huge gain over the maybe 2% I was using at the old place.  It's not a cake walk, but then again I would probably hate it if it was.  Because of that whole actually using my brain thing, I might not be as on it as I once was way back when, but I will continue to post.  

And I promise that sometime this weekend I will catch back up on my blog reading...

The Boys...

...Hi Swag!  Hi Torrence! 

I can't help it Lady Shay!  I have always loved males.  Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me.  So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males.  In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male.  When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy.  I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl.  By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block.  Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet.  Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys.  And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend.  I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have.  I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one.  Not to replace what I have mind you.  

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys.  Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys.  Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.)  Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls. 

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me.  Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl.  Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me.  Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day.  Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride.  Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass.  Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Brownie

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend.  I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run.  I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday.  (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.)  Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside.  (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.)  Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep.  (Well, it was!)  Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down.  But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.  

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time.  It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time.  I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done.  And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying.  I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me.  You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me.  Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell!  Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie.  Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T.  (which sounds like something I would say.)  And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him.  "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me!  I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Boo!

Yes I know it's been awhile.  And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

• Almost got back with PYT
• Got back with Brownie
• Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
• Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
• hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
• hung out with Bubba a couple of times
• saw Grant Hill!  (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine.  No disrespect Tamia)
• went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
• found a temp agency that actually got results.  as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them.  as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell.  as in bitch got two offers...
• oh, did I mention I got a job?
• got a kick ass job
• got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position 
• did some serious shopping on a budget
• ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning.  Congratulations on the baby boy!
• went to a couple of parties
• i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college.  shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember.  hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
• made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday.  It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over. 
• got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body.  I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing.  I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you.  And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.  
• told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
• saw all kinds of short pant atrocities!  I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things.  I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.  
• saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!!  it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly.  I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso.  But, my gawd, her torso.  And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack.  Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
• bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
• I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course!  itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs.  sorry!  I'm a flake like that.  You should forgive me cause I'm cute.  And did I mention I got a job?  You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately.  kisses, bitches!
• I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
• decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic.  Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob.  I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did.  I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart.  Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh.  So, no talk about my job.  Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss.  Seriously, love.  But not like that.  Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love.  A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence.  Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me.  and HI SWAG!

Grrrrrrrr, partie duex*

*no I don't speak french, Mac Dashboard translated it for me (Non, je ne parle pas francais, Mac Dashboard traduit lui pour moi!)

So I went on the interview at the international corporation today.  Nice office, super tight security as is found in most NYC office buildings these days.  Let me start off by saying that when I was talking to the TempAgent, she kept saying to me how they had placed the woman that I would be meeting with sometime ago.  And although she (the TempAgent) had only met with my interviewer two or three times, she could just tell that we were going to get along.  I took this to mean that I was meeting with a black woman, and I was correct.

Can I just state for those non-black people out there that might not know, that just because two women share a racial designation and a similar occupation, does not mean that they are automatically get along.  Case in point, my fucking interview today.  Homegirl didn't like me from the minute she saw me in my Calvin Klein linen blend herringbone suit and Max Studio pumps.  Actually I should list those in opposite order since when I turned around to meet her, she was working her way up from my bad ass round toe pumps.  I'm sure some of you out there reading this are probably thinking I'm a conceited lil bitch whose just a tad full of herself, and honestly you'd be mostly right.  I'm also secure enough with my own shit that if I see another woman with some nice sandals (the lady in the nail salon last week) or a great dress (that sister on the C train) I will give you a compliment.  So I know when someone is looking at me like, "Ooooo those shoes are nice!" and when someone is looking at me like, "Look at this uppity bitch!"  But I am a professional, professional what I don't know, so I smiled my brightest and friendliest and greeted her with nothing less than grace (with a tad of humility thrown in to make her feel better about herself.)

We get down to the interview and errrrrrrrrrrrrkkk! wait a minute, TempAgent told me I'd be supporting 9 executives but Interviewer is telling me it's actually about 12.  And the position is for about 6 months instead of the 3 TempAgent implied.  I already know that they DO NOT want someone who is going to be interviewing during lunch.  So I guess asking for an hour off to go to an interview is out as well huh? Let me ask you this, what the hell am I supposed to do 7 months down the line if they decide not to hire me on full time?  Do I explain on my next set of interviews that I took a job at half my normal pay when they ask me what I've been doing for the last six months?  And if they do hire me, do you really expect me to believe that they are going to automatically double my salary upon hire when I've been more than happy to do the work for less for the last 6 months?  Somehow I don't think so...

 And why the hell can't this damn woman look me in the eye!  Not a fucking good sign.  Is there something hanging out of my nose?  Is my eyeliner smeared across my face or some shit?  I KNOW there's nothing between my teeth - I didn't eat anything, I was a little nervous.  The fact that this woman is looking everywhere but in my eyes is distracting the fuck out of me and I'm not answering her questions with my usually savvy or panache.  My wit is abandoning me and my nerves are starting to take over.   I'm second guessing my decision to wear my suit.  I mean after all Interviewer is wearing some slacks with an open knit sweater and tank underneath (next time she should opt for either a neutral shade or a matching one, cause the white tank under the navy blue sweater was what I would call corporate.)  Then she's telling me that she wants me to meet with her supervisor and an older white woman enters the office.  Interviewer exits and my next interview begins.

Complete opposite experience.  She's looking me in the eye.  She's smiling at my answers, shit, she's actually listening to my answers.  I've gotten her to laugh.  What's the difference?  It surely isn't me.  I'm acting the exact same way with the Supervisor that I was with the Interviewer.  Maybe it's because Supervisor has only been there for 6 months herself so she's got no reason not to like me.  Maybe it was all in my imagination....

Grrrrrrrrrr

I reallllllly am starting to be very skeptical about employment agencies.  The latest one that I've hooked up with is not giving me a confident feeling to put it mildly.  It started off pretty well.  I was especially excited because the Treat's Truck was close to their offices.  If you're from NYC and like desserts, you really need to check out the Treat's Truck website and get a cookie or some shit.  Lady is like my fucking hero!  She's got a tricked out old fashion ice cream truck named Sugar, wears a kitschy lil uniform, and makes delicious treats.  What's not to love?  I once got a caramel creme sandwich cookie and gave it to a dude I used to work with.  He looked at it all kinds of funny cause it wasn't fancy looking at all, in fact, they kind of look like sand paper.  But then he took a bite, and that was all it took to get him hooked.  Their motto is "Not too fancy, always delicious!" Anyway, enough about the Treat's Truck for now...

I was also excited about The Agency because it's a certified women owned enterprise, which I thought was cool.  So I get there and the young receptionist asks me to fill out an application.  I was in a snit about it at first, but the application actually asked alot of good questions - things that you couldn't find out by reading my resume.  And she also gave me this sheet with tips for a good interview.  For the most part I agreed with all of the tips, but one kind of bothered me.  It said that you should always wear a suit to interviews.  It went on to say that by a suit, they meant two pieces of the same color purchased together, clean and well fitting.  Now first thing that bothered me about this was that I was sitting there in a black button down shirt, black pencil skirt, (black sheer pantyhose) and round toe black pumps.  Second thing that bothered me about this was that in all of the interviews that I've been on so far, only the men that I interviewed with (3) had on suits, and one was extremely ill fitted, and one didn't even bother with his jacket.  None of the women I met with had on anything even close to a suit.  

The funny thing about it was that I had just bought two new suits and had them tailored so they fit properly.  (Shopping note: If you buy anything from Syms, they have tailors in the dressing rooms and the fee is rather cheap for the work they do.  Turn around was pretty quick too.)  I would have been a little pissy if I walked in there in my new Calvin Klein herringbone suit only to find this maybe 21 year old receptionist in her motorcycle boots and short skirt.  And there there was the other candidate in the reception area in his older brother's suit.  At least thats what it looked like to me.  But I didn't wear a suit and I still looked professional.  And some days a working woman can't go wrong with a nice professional yet feminine dress.  

Anyway back to The Agency.  The interviews went well, and they didn't ask me to test.  I mean really, who works somewhere for 7 years, with references provided, and doesn't know how to proficiently use Word and Excel?  I think it's a little insulting when they ask me to test my skills.  Especially when they tell me that I can't use all of the nifty shortcuts that someone who has used Word or Excel for over 10 years has picked up.  And then when I left the interview and stopped by the Treat's Truck, she was sold out, but she gave me a free cookie!  I seriously have a thing for that woman now.

A couple of days pass and I hear from the permanent placement counselor that I met with.  She tells me about a job that sounds pretty interesting but just got listed, it going to be a while before she hears back from them.  Next day, the temporary placement counselor that I met with calls me.  She has a long term temp job working at a well known firm, replacing someone on maternity leave.  She tells me that they tend to keep people that they like and it sounds like an interesting thing to do for a little while.  (how long in general is maternity leave anyway?) Then she tells me the pay per hour and I say send my resume.  I get off the phone and pull out the calculator and wait a second, it's like half my last salary.  Seeing as I'm still getting paid from The Last Job for a little while longer, I technically could take a pay cut IF it was something amazing that I really wanted to do.  But I'm tired of sitting at home so I figure I'll talk about it with the Temp Counselor when I hear back from her.

When I do, and bring up my concerns, chicky starts whining.  "Well we really like for our candidates to tell us no before we send their resumes and you're putting me in a really uncomfortable situation!" she screeches at me.  Hold on, I simply pointed out to her that the pay was a large step down from what I use to make and I asked her if it would end up hurting me in the long run.  For instance, I said, if they decided to hire me full time, would they expect me to receive less that my last sizable annual salary because I have already done so?  "Oh! Well, um, no!  I mean they would in most cases look at what your last full time salary was. And if you're really worried about the decrease, I can up the pay by $2 an hour."  She really never should have told me that.  Because now I think I can get more money out of her.  Not to mention, I know someone that does temporary placement and if I'm going to give someone my commission, I would much rather it be her.  And because I've known her for so long, I know that she probably won't try to fuck me on the deal, at least with out some dinner and a good lube....

Trouble says Stand The Fuck Up!

I'm sure you all know about the acquittal of the cops that shot Sean Bell.  If you don't, take your fucking head out of your ass and read a couple of fucking newspapers you asshat!  Seriously, more than one.  Pick up a Newsweek from time to time.  Anyway, on Monday people were asked to wear black in Sean Bell's honor.  I've said this once and I'll say it again, I don't see how wearing black shows any kind of support.  Especially in a city like New York where people routinely wear black all the time anyway.  It gets really hard to tell whose showing support and who just didn't feel like matching colors that morning.  I can steadily rely on the fact that my sister wears black on most Monday's and at least 2 other days out of the week.  That is if she's not sporting all black all week long.  But that's not the point, the point is what I WILL be doing to protest the death of a young black man in a hail of 50 NYPD bullets.  

On Saturday May 3 I will not be spending any money.  No quick trips to the corner bodega, no half priced or better bargains, no ebay, no gas, no IronMan, no ATM trips, not a bloody dime damn it.  I received a text message about the economic embargo on NYC and was asked to pass it along to all people of color in NYC.  But I think I can do a little better than that. I'm asking that all my blog folk pass along the message to all their blog folk to not spend a dime on Saturday.  It's a little bit of inconvenience that will have alot of impact.  Shit, things are so expensive nowadays, you'd probably be doing yourself a favor.  And if you are a business owner and you can do it, keep your doors closed on Saturday.

Honestly, I don't think that most people will do it.  But I'm putting it out there and hoping that you all will prove me wrong...

Cupcakes and Babies All Night Long!*

*Lady Shay said that to me.  She and PrettyBlack say the damndest things!  I'm still waiting for the right time to use the red velvet line...

• I thought of a time when straight men say cock instead of dick - cockblocking
• PB, not to get into your Tupac vs. Notorious BIG debate, but I just realized that part of the reason why I love Biggie is cause of the way he could tell a story in a rhyme.  I admire the same skill in Slick Rick and Nas
• Personally, I think the greatest rapper alive is Snoop Dogg.  longevity, adaptability, success, and a sick flow
• I did not buy the last two Jay-Z albums, in fact I dont even have bootleg copies
• I am not a fan of Ashanti, I repeat - I am not a fan of Ashanti BUT I can't get enough of that single she's got out now, The Way That I Love You
• I love my dentist - seriously.  I recommend him to anyone that I can.  I'm pretty sure that I've told you all this before but I'm not sure that I told you that Mommy has started seeing my dentist as well.  The first time that I went in after she had been there, the whole office gushed about what a nice lady my mom was.  Then I go in to see Dr. R and he's like, "You and your mom have the exact same jaw structure.  It's amazing!"  The strangest things excite people
• and speaking of teeth, Gutz (Cousin T & SuperSlags play sister) brought her man to MonkeyGirl's recital.  He's aight I guess but dude laughed at something and I got to see all inside his mouth.  It was scary to say the least.  I'm not a fan of people who show you their tonsels when they laugh but did I really need to know that he has a wicked cavity on the inside of one of his front teeth?!?  I think the fuck not
• I think I forgot to mention that one of my interviews was with a super hottie.  I know that they say that imagining your audience naked is a good way to overcome fear of speaking in public.  Well it did help me to relax but all sort of dirty wicked naughty hot thoughts were running through my head.  Good thing I'm one hell of a multi tasker.  About 6'2", nice broad shoulders, thin waist, and dressed.  I swear I heard a "ding!" when he flashed the pearly whites.  Something about pretty brown skin and nice white teeth.  I'm guessing he was Indian or Bangladeshi.  Whatever the fuck he was, it sure made a pretty pretty picture.
• I think I mentioned that I went to a house party with Cousin T. I'm never really quite sure what to make of house parties.  I was pretty sure that this one was gonna turn into one of those ones where there are friends, family, food, drinks, and a card game or two.  The fact that the host mother was there was an indicator.  But she didn't stay long and then the pigeons arrived.  Now when I say pigeon, I'm talking about the chicks that you can find in any city coast to coast.  There about as common in NYC as pigeons.  Sometimes the come in different colors, some may have a slightly different thing going on for them, they might even be domesticated, but they're still just flying rats.  Dirty, common, rude, loud, obnoxious, occasionally useful, sometimes diseased and every fucking where.  
  
• speaking of house party pigeons, I was wearing my Skinny Bitch t-shirt.  The writing on the shirt looks like twigs so I paired it with some skinny Seven jeans (For All Mankind) and some Minnetonka pocahantas boots (tall flat lace up suede boots with a suede fringe at the top.)  This chick comes up to me all drunk, talkinbout "I know right! They all call me skinny bitch at my job, and I'm like FuckYeahIAm!  Right?!?  Them bitches are just jealous they can't look like us!"  Uh, ewwwwww!  First of all, not to be all T-Rexy and shit but fuck it, she wasn't really all that skinny.  Second of all, I think I already said ewwww!  The shirt said Skinny Bitch, not Sloppy Drunk Bitch.
• and since I'm already talking about the party, PYT was there (damn, it took me a minute to remember what I've been calling the damn boy since I haven't been calling the damn boy) and I acted very immaturely.  I ignored his ass all night, that is I tried to.  His boy, who I'm cool with tried to give me shit about it.  PYT was cool for a minute, but thats all he lasted, a minute.  Ok, so maybe it was more like 7...

Dancin for Dollars

I've been kinda worried lately.  Not that I wouldn't find a job, but that my not having a job might make Mommy feel like she has to pick up more of the slack.  I've been sending out resumes, but alot of employers ask what my yearly salary was with XBossMan and then I wouldn't hear from them again.  I met with a couple of placement agency but they were not panning out.  It seems to me that they lure you in with promises of $80,000 plus bonus jobs that never materialize.  Meanwhile they're trying to convince you to interview for jobs that pay a little more than half of that and to lie and say that your last salary was less than it was.  Wouldn't want to discourage the cheapskates now would we?

Then there were the fucking test.  Do you really believe that I've spent the last 7 years working as a personal/executive assistant and I don't know how to use Word or Excel?  It's fucking insulting.  What's even more insulting is that the fucker didn't tell me that you can't use shortcuts during the test, in fact they take off points for using shortcuts, so I got a 90 on a test that I should have gotten 100 on.  Oh, and how about the asshat counselor that wanted me to contact the companies that I worked for 8 and 9 years ago and ask them to confirm the exact dates of my employment.  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!  

So I was trying to avoid any employment agency listings.  But one intrigued me.  And I was half way sold when she got back to me and told me that there was no need for me to do any skill testing.  But she had just had a baby and was not working out of the office, would I be willing to meet with her assistant?  Sure, I've always been intrigued by women with male assistants.  The meeting went well, very well.  But I still kept applying to jobs, cause Mommy didn't raise an idiot.  

In my online travels, I came across a couple of jobs that really interested me.  Two weeks ago, one was practically screaming my name.  I mean sooooo right up my ally with some perks that I could reallllllly enjoy.  So I submit my resume, I think it was a Saturday evening or Sunday morning.  I get up early on Monday to head to Tangers with Cousin T (see post below) and Mommy sticks her head out of her apartment sees me and says, "Oh, I thought you were going on an interview."

About 3 hours after that, I'm standing in the middle of the Nike Factory Store and my cell rings, its the HR department for that amazing job that I applied for.  Would I be able to come in on Thursday for an interview?  3 hours after that, my new placement agent calls my cell and ask if I would be interested in a phone interview for a job at a sturdy company.  I say its a sturdy company because there would definitely be job security and a good salary.  The thing is, I'm not really interested in the industry and I would be the second assistant, answering to the first assistant.  I really dont have a problem answering to someone else, but I do have a problem with most women.  I'm not gonna prevaricate, I usually don't like them and they usually don't like me.  I have never been hired by a woman.  Wait thats a lie, when I was 14 I was hired by a woman.  But job security!  So I said yes to the phone interview.

I wasn't sure how it went, its kinda hard to gauge reactions when you can't see someones face, but I didn't think I tanked it.  But I must be very hard on myself, cause my agent called me a short time later to say that the the HR lady loved me and wanted to know if I could come in the next day to meet in person.  So that's how I ended up with two interviews last Thursday, which was also the day it was 87 degrees here in NYC.  And then yesterday I got called in for a second interview at the job that I found on my own.  So things are looking up, but forgive me if I disappear.  Hopefully it means I'm dancin for dollars!

Tangers Outlet

So two weeks ago was gorgeous weather and last week was Spring Break for NYC Public Schools.  Which meant that Cousin T was off of work. YAY!  That meant from the following Friday til this past Saturday, we were hanging out.  We went to a house part two Friday's ago where we got politely drunk and then not so politely made fun of people.  I got to wear my brand new Skinny Bitch t-shirt.  I love that shirt.  And I think I might have said something about wanting to go to Tangers Outlets in Riverhead NY.  There are Tangers all over the country and the one in Riverhead is probably my favorite outlet center in the tri state area.  So Sunday night T calls me and asks if I want to head out there with her and her Mom on Monday morning.  Two words - HELL YEAH!

Ok, so you might be thinking, Bitch don't have a job, what the hell is she doing shopping?  But to be honest, I really didn't spend that much.  Ok so I really shouldn't have gone into the Coach outlet store.  And maybe I didn't really need those navy blue UGGS.  But they were both sooooo cheap that I couldn't leave them and in the past week I managed to wear both of them twice.  The UGGS are the superlow booties and they have been perfect for this reverse spring weather we're having here in NYC.  Really two weeks ago, in the 70s and 80s.  Last week was in the 70s for most of the week then it hit 87 on Thursday.  This week, rainy and in the 60s if were lucky.  And the Coach bag - do I really need to explain about how I feel about Coach?!  (and it was originally over 300 and I got it for about 150.)  I spent about $12 in Old Navy Outlet ( two tank tops, and a v neck sweater - one of the tanks says Drink Until He's Cute) $26 in the Puma Store (a cute pair of brown and pink linen Roma's) about $20 on outfits for NewBabyGirl (I swear I got about 5 outfits!) and about $15 in the William Sonoma outlet on mixing bowls and a spoonula (like a spatula but you can scoop things!)  I found out that both Cousin T and her Mom are obsessed with kitchen gadgets - which is cool cause I am too.

My favorite things by far, were the things that I didn't pay for.  First, was the time I spent with Cousin T and her Mom.  Despite the fact that she's been married to my cousin for most of my life, and has lived around the corner from me for about 4 years, I really haven't spent that much time with Cousin T's Mom.  We had a great time!  And because I gave Cousin T free cupcakes, she bought me a cupcake carrier from Tupperware.  And its turquoise, which is one of my favorite colors!  I love it!  It inspired me so much that I made chocolate cupcakes with fresh amaretto whipped cream and strawberries.  I actually made a mini bundt cake for Cousin T.  Since Hautechick thought my lemon cupcakes were dry, she only got a mini cupcake (which is like one bite) while the Artist got a a jumbo cupcake with cannoli cream (I was experimenting with Ricotta cheese)

How I think

PrettyBlack did a post about Things She's Learnt So Far, and it inspired me.  Here's some shit I think

• Compliments are beautiful things.  Everyone loves to be complimented and sometimes a sincere compliment can go a long way.  And there ain't shit wrong with giving yourself a compliment or agree with a compliment that someone has given you.
• You can be cocky and gracious.  When your agreeing to that compliment, make sure you say thank you cause there is no bitch bad enough to be rude all the damn time.
• Respect your elders, but don't take no shit from them either.  I have this one Aunt that will take the last dollar out your pocket if you let her.  It's not that she needs it, by any means.  It's just that she CAN and WILL do it if you let her.  For some reason she's gotten it into her head that it's her right as an elder.  She even did it to me when I was a kid.  Actually she did it to all of the cousins when we were kids.  I'll never forget the time she beat me with a slipper because I called her on it when I was 10...
• Some dude LOVE a psycho chick.  They don't want a broad who acts normal.  If you don't call them 18 times a day, they think you don't really care about them.  If your not willing to give up everything and everyone for them, they don't think your committed.  If you don't scream and yell at them for some dumb insignificant shit that they did (probably to try and get you to act like a psycho), then you couldn't possibly care about them as much as TheNextChick.  
• Conversely, some chicks LOVE a psycho dude.  If he's not insanely jealous, then he must not care.  If he's not cursing you out or putting his hands on you, then how are you supposed to know that he wants to be with you?  If he's not shady as hell and suspect as fuck, then you don't want shit to do with him.  And heaven forbid he have a job instead of a hustle!
• There is nothing wrong with loving animals and eating meat.  NOTHING!  I love Duke, but if you think I'm gonna stop eating red meat or wearing leather, your fucking cracked.  Humans have been living with and eating and wearing animals since the fucking dawn of time.  The problem is in the wastefulness not the consumption.  The Artist's Dad hunts, but he uses just about every part of the deers that he kills.  Ever had deer jerky?  Antler buttons anyone?  He made the Artist the baddest deerskin jacket.  It's very rustic goes metro
• I FULLY believe in the right to bear arms.  I understand that guns aren't for everyone, but if shit goes down...
• Learning computer programming is cool and shit, but I think that more minorities need to learn skilled trades.  I'm talking carpentry, masonry, and other unionized construction trades.  And lest not forget about other hands on skills like culinary arts, gemology, pattern making/garment production and others.  
• I want to be cremated.  Some of you might think it's morbid for a 30 year old to think about things like what they want done with their remains, but tomorrow is not promised.  And the idea of burying my body just does not appeal to me.  AT ALL.  I've discussed this and my other wishes with Mommy and I know what she would like me to do for her.
• If you are old enough to get your nails done regularly (I'm talking to all you teenage girls with tips or eyelash extensions or whatever have you) then you are old enough to maintain yourself ALL around.  I can not STAND to see these young chicks out here sporting blinged out nail tips with earwax dripping out of their ears.  Or young dudes with $200 sneakers on and a fresh fade with same dirty ears and even worse, they apparently have never thought to take a washcloth to the back of their necks.  Come on people, how are you teaching these kids how to half take care of themselves?!  I mean I remember being a teenager and just knowing that some wackadocious outfit I was wearing was the shit.  I was headstrong and didn't listen to shit anyone tried to tell me about style.  I might have looked crazy as hell on several different occasions, but I was always clean.  Couldn't anyone say that I smelled or was dirty.  The same can't be said for a disappointingly large number of youth that I have come across as of late.
• And speaking of children, I will hit someones child if they step bad to me or mine.  Dead ass.  If some little 13 year old girls jumped my god daughter and I was there to witness, please believe that I will be throwing said little as far as I can.  And should said little girls think to swing on me, I will be swinging back with 25 years of fighting dirty behind me. Parents please raise your children with manners and self confidence and the thought that your children might run into me someday.  I'm not gonna try and kill them, but I will put them in their place if they think to jump bad.  (there is a recent real story behind this - don't worry I'll spill and I didn't have to hit anyone's child.)
• Karma is a man stealing, dog killing, best friend turning, food spitting, car scratching, std riddled, yeasty pantied, $2 whore. beware that bitch

Dogs are barking

• Hello WorldWideWeb, it's me Trouble!
• so I think I mentioned that Superslag wanted me to bake some Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday.  I quoted her a price, a cheap price I might add- I gave her a discount on my labor as a gift, and she started hemming and hawing just a little bit but said that she wanted the cupcakes.  Then I don't hear from her for about 4 days and she sends me a text message last Friday, talkinbout -If you made the cupcakes, I'll pay you for them when I can but if you didn't make them yet, can we cut down the number you make?  She originally wanted 2 orders, so I said fine, just let me know when you want them and I'll tell you when I need the money by.  I know her well enough that there was no way in hell I was going to bake the cupcakes without having the money in hand.  So it's Wednesday and I get a call from Teeth (formerly CoHo - Cousin T's other sister - if you need a reminder, she used to have no teeth in her mouth and now she's got these big blindingly white joints and I'm not sure she can close her mouth fully) and she says that she's gonna pay for the cupcakes.  She stops by my house the next day to drop off the money and she says some shit about how SuperSlag was complaining that she wasn't going to have any cake or cupcakes for her birthday so thats when Teeth decided to call me.  Saywhatnow!  That's why I waited, cause she would have had me make the shits and never said a word that she didn't have the money for them.  Teeth tried to throw some shade my way insinuating that I wouldn't be able to make the cupcakes as promised, "Are you SURE you're going to be able to make them?"  I came back with the deadpan, "Why wouldn't I be able to make them?" and that shut her up.  But that brings me to the next bullet in the post...
• So I get up on Friday, and head to the StupidMarket to get ingredients.  This is the second time I'm making them, so I'm pretty confident in my skills and figure I can experiment a little more this time.  I also figure it should be no problem doubling the recipe.  I get home, setting up to start and here comes Mommy.  "So, are you going to do one batch and then set up for the second?"  "No, I was just going to double the recipe and do it all in one shot."  "Oh, well if you THAT confident."  Suddenly I'm not!  I swear, mothers are put on this Earth in part to teach us humility.  I was a little shook, but I continued on with the game plan.  15 minutes later, I had a gorgeous batter and was ready to start cupping.  25 minutes later and I had about half the cupcakes I needed ready to go in to the oven.  25 minutes after that I had the whole order ready and put them in to bake, but I still had a nice amount of batter left.  So I started filling cups and ended up with a nice little snack for the weekend.  After I took all the cupcakes out of the oven I let them cool and ate lunch with Mommy, who stole the first cupcake bite (I found these little mini cupcake cups, which are perfect when you have just a lil batter left.)  After lunch I used my pastry bag to ice them bitches.  They were ready to go at 5.  If I could increase my speed cupping, it wouldn't be so bad.
• now, its like 7, Duke and I are out in the backyard, enjoying the gorgeous spring day and my phone starts singing Chocolate Rain.  It's Teeth, she wants to know where I am.  At home why?  Oh, you didn't finish the cupcakes?  They've been ready since 5, why?  Oh, cause I'm at SuperSlags and I was wondering where you were.  ERRRRRRRRRK!  wait a minute, this bitch told me yesterday that she would stop by my house and help me bring the cupcakes to SuperSlags.  Now, I'm stuck getting damn near 40 cupcakes over to her house.  Granted it's only 4 blocks away, but still.  So I tell her I have to take a shower and I'll be there when I can.  Thank God for Mommy!  Out of the blue, she comes up with this huge plastic platter that will fit all the cupcakes.  She actually got it out of the garage, she was using it for plants.  But she washed it for me and I covered it with tin foil and strolled my ass on down the hill.
• If I was ever serious about selling my cupcakes, all I would have to do is walk around on a nice day with a huge tinfoil covered platter.  It was dark out when I went and I still had about 4 people ask me what was on the platter on my way to SuperSlags. And I think only one of them was hitting on me.
• Cousin T was actually going to come get me when she heard that Teeth left me in the lurch, but I told her not to worry about it.  I hate that she always has to pick up the slack for her sisters so I try not to burden her with the shit the fuck up with.  It helps that I limit my interaction with her sisters.  Plus she had some conditioner in her hair and would have had to come out with a plastic cap on. 
• I get there and everybody is floored by the big platter.  A couple of people also spoke up that I had to walk over there with the platter on my own.  Baba (my cousin, Superslag, Teeth, and Cousin T's dad) is all about the cupcakes.  "Everybody eat so we can have cupcakes!"  And I'm starting to feel nervous cause there are alot more people then there were when MonkeyGirl had her birthday party, and alot of them are very opinionated - to say the least.  And then we're singing and everybody gets a cupcake and it gets kinda quiet then Baba says "I think these are better than last time!"  And I can relax and finally taste one and damn! if I didn't do the damn thing all over again!
• sooooo, remember WackThug, SuperSlag's baby daddy?  wait, thats an understatement, he's the dude that she accused me of sleeping with (her cousin and close friend despite all her bullshit) threatened me over then went on to have a baby by.  well she kicked him out.  Seems her playsister and company caught him out with the next chick and SuperSlag said enough, at least for now.  She kinda made sure that I knew he was gone but I can't say that I'm surprised or that it changes anything between us.  Your chicks before dick, especially when your family.  As if I would ever want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with her.  In my mind that says something about a  dude when he chooses a woman like that, and it ain't something good.  Sure, she's my family, thats why I could overlook alot of her bullshit, but it doesn't mean I was blind to it.  Fuck, I got the closest look at it sometimes...
• and I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could, said I had to go feed Duke, which was true.  SuperSlag asked me if I was coming back after I fed it and I said, "Probably not" and was out with Cousin T and my old buddy Butter (we used to be cool but all I'll say is you can't travel with everybody - that was years ago though)
• my fucking feet are killing me!  I gotta invest in one of those kitchen floor mats that take the strain off of your feet

The Skin I'm In

• lots and lots of water, I drink that is.  Plus the MAC doesn't hurt a bit
• speaking of makeup, the handle on my makeup train case broke this morning and I'm really sad about it, I think I'm going to take it to the shoemaker since its leather and see if he can fix it.
• remember I used to do those post on things that every woman needs?  well I just thought of another one, a really good old school shoe maker.  They can take the calf of your boots in, or if they are really good make them a little bigger.  Stretch your too tight leather shoes (or do it yourself with some wooden shoe trees and some rubbing alcohol) fix the run down heel on your favorite shoes, replace a worn down sole, fix the leather strap on a makeup case, at least I hope so
• i actually had a really bad case of the chickenpox when I was in the 4th grade.  So bad that I missed the last month and a half of school.  I still have the dots all over including one on my right cheek and a couple on my nose.  They just dont show up in pictures for some reason.  Then again people usually think they're birthmarks...
• speaking of the chickenpox, did I ever mention that I have a half brother?  He's a real shit.  Anyway when I got the chickenpox, he was in the Marines and he came to see me when he was home on leave.  that would have been strange considering that we spent hardly any time together when I was a kid, but our dad had just passed away the year before, so he was trying to pretend that he's not an asshat.  Anywho, guess who gave the fucktard the chickenpox and guess who ended up in military quarantine for 2 months?
• and continuing on the theme of my shitwit brother, have I ever mentioned that I'm an aunt?  dont think so.  well anyway come to find out I'm an aunt again.  How did I find out?  My buppy cousin gets an email birth announcement from Shitwits (I really like that one, and it really fits my brother) wife, Shitwitta (shes an ass too), so she forwards it to my Mom, who checks her email like maybe 4 times a month (and that does not mean once a week) who mentions it to me last week.  The kid, a boy, was born on Valentines day.
• my home phone went out this weekend, actually all three lines in the house were acting wonky, so Mommy called Verizon and they said they would be here on Monday morning.  wait I should correct that, the first dumbass broad that answered the phone told Mommy that it must be a problem with one of our phones.  I said that was bullshit and told Mommy to call them back (after she made me check all the jacks - good thing the designers of this house were asses and there are only three of them, one on each floor) and THEN they said they would come on Monday.  And what a day Monday was...
• I'm knocked the fuck out, and I kinda hear Mommy's line ringing on Monday morning, but I rolled over and what do you know, it stops.  then my cell phone rings, it the verizon guy and he's outside.  oops!  So I throw on some sweat pants and a hoodie and answer the door.  Hello!  I was for a minute regretting my choice of attire when I realized that the sweats are kinda low rise and show off my flat belly very nicely and actually make me look like I have hips!  it didn't turn into anything but flirting, but that was my choice.  he called me once after he left to make sure that everything was ok, then he stopped by a little later to "make sure."
• so the verizon guy leaves and Mommy comes home and says, "huh, i thought that they were going to come and read the meter today." and right on cue the door bell rings.  I'm right there, so even though this is something that Mommy usually does, I answer the door.  First off, by this time Duke is pretty sick and tired of getting locked up everytime someone comes to the door, so he sticks his snooze in the door and follows me out into the vestibule.  Good thing I hadn't yet answered the front door.  So after a brief yet frenzied battle with the hairy beast I answer the door.  Dog hair everywhere and a tall young cutie here to read the meter!  Sheesh!  That boy better be happy Mommy was home cause I was seriously thinking about jumping the young man right there in the basement.
• My god daughter is going to be 13 on Thursday!  She wants a Sidekick and/or to go to Dave and Busters with a crew.  I'm all for the Sidekick - shes a good kid and she doesn't have a cell phone, but me and Cousin T had a long ass talk about the Dave and Busters thingamajig.
• I was in Filene's Basement shopping for MonkeyGirl's birthday and I saw the most adorable Ralph Lauren baby girl clothes.  I really was debating with myself if I should buy something for NewBabyGirl, SuperSlag's newest kid, but I decided against it.  She'll take it as were cool again and as always expect more.  It tears me up that I can't buy something for the kid without her Mom trying to hit me up for more.

Vice

• today I did post on sex, violence, and politics.  i guess you could say I'm feeling horny, angry, and argumentative.  you could say it, but you might get cut.
• Did anyone hear about the fatal crane collapse that happened last weekend in NYC?  I mean besides the people that live in the metro area.  It is sometimes an amazing thing to watch those cranes put up skyscrapers, especially in NYC where space is always at a premium.  But it is also terrifying.  They are these amazingly tall structures that look so delicate.  My heart goes out to the families of the 7 people that lost their lives...
• sheesh and I dark and moody today or what?!  I think its the rain, cause it couldn't be that whole no job to go to thing.  Good thing a bitch is still getting paid.  A check for doing nothing will lift your spirits like nothing else will!
• there was an FDNY ambulance and a police car in front of my house today for awhile.  I saw them helping a woman into the ambulance and then the cops talked to her for a while.  am I smart or paranoid to want to go outside and take pictures of the sidewalk around my house just in case?
• I really dont think that really high class call girls would advertise their services on websites where any dick tom and harry who had a good night at the craps table and little sense can acquire their services.  I'm just saying
• I think that it is toooooo huge a coincidence that our guvnuh is forced to step down for a sex scandal right before the ever problematic NY State budget is due.
• I remember what it was like to be 22.  to think that being with your friends and partying was the most important things in the world.  i also recall that I didn't really date 22 years olds even when I was 22.  Back then I was a lolita instead of a baby cougar...
• when I was 19, I decided to leave the college that I was going to in CT in order to take a full time job back home in NYC.  So when I was in my early 20's I had already been working for awhile, had my own little bit of money, and was cocky as shit.  I also used to smoke and met a number of men when they asked me if I was too young to be smoking.  I dated alot of 30 year olds during that point in my life.  A LOT and I'm pretty sure that there was a 40 year old in there somewhere briefly
• before I left that school in CT, I managed to make my way through a crew of guys.  I don't think that most of them even knew that I had dealt with the others despite the fact that there weren't too many people of color on campus.  I actually didn't sleep with all of them, but I was courted, coddled or spoiled by each and every one of them.
• People tell me that I look innocent, and I used to take great advantage of that.  I think thats a major reason why I was able to get away with pulling that last stunt pretty much unscathed.  The scathed part was that I didn't figure out that the dude that was acting like my brother, was the one that was the most interested in me.  Of course he was the one I was least interested in and he started talking shit about me.  It only took about two sentences for people to figure out that he was just jealous of the dude I was seeing (not one of the crew.)  Note to guys: never finish slamming a girl by saying, "You should have been with me!"  
• The other scathed part was the fight I almost had with this chick over the one dude in the crew that could have been considered my man, sort of.  He was sleeping with her too, which was cool because while I didn't want to know who, he did tell me that he was seeing someone else on campus.  She unfortunately wasn't as realistic with the situation as I was.  She was also older than me and to say marriage minded would be an understatement.  Anyway, one night at a semi formal party, she and a friend walked up on me while I was dancing with another guy (part of the advantage of being a tom boy and a seductress is that people never know if the dude is a friend or a luvah - this one was currently a friend but was a past luvah) he was a (something I can't say cause it will give away more than I want) but saw the set up and warned me.  She managed to get a swing in, but then again so did I.  Let's just say, I was a little more accurate.  I lost a $5 necklace and had a scratch on my neck, she had some bruising.
• Got damned confused as fuck seagulls!  Cawing out my window like I give a fuck.  Bitch this is CENTRAL Brooklyn, take your ass back to the sea and leave me alone damn it.  Fucking bird goes off, wakes up Duke, then he starts barking cause he don't know what the fuck that is. It's happened twice this afternoon. Sheeet....

The Prostitute and the Politician

A case could be made for either being the world's oldest profession.  On the one hand, you have the men and women who seek to govern others, to rule in a sense over the masses.  And on the other, you have the men and women who seek to please, to pleasure and submit to the masses.  Or in some cases to pleasure and submit to the elite.  As much as we've seen Elliot Spitzer or H. Carl McCall(to those not from NYC, both are local politicians) on tv, we see the residents of the Bunny Ranch and others making a quick buck off of sex.  

Personally, I've never bought nor paid for sex.  But to be perfectly honest, I really can't knock the hustle of someone who can get paid $5,000 for an hour of their time.  Of course it is much more than an hour of time that they are giving up in exchange.  But with some control and intelligence, I can see how someone could use being a prostitute to become something more.  Hell, shorty in the news right now, wasn't very smart at all and already the offers are pouring in.  Then there was the former call girl who wrote that book.  I read it and to be honest it was so dry that I can't even remember the name of the book or the author.  Nor do I care to take the time and look them up.  But the point is, she managed to not only get out, get married, and get a book deal, but to also be completely honest about what she did without anyone turning their nose down (too much) at her past.

A bad politician, one who lets secrets slip, who goes after people who are supposed to be his betters, who comes off as a self righteous prick, who goes against the grain, who offers up motions and ideas that no one wants anything to do with, who can't balance an enormous budget.  Well there's really no redeeming the politician now is there?  No one ever says, "Oh, poor little politician, s/he was just young and naive and got taken advantage of. They just used her/him like a pawn!"  No one ever feels sorry for the ex politician like they would for the ex prostitute.