The Brush Off

I like my space when it comes to men.  If you're looking for a woman who will call you 4 and 5 times a day, I'm not the one for you.  Sheeet, if you're looking for a woman who will call you everyday, I still might be the one for you.  I've yet to meet the man that inspires that kind of behavior.  Just the same, if you call ME 5 times a day, you're going to quickly get on my nerves.  Specially if you really don't have anything to say...

So things with Big Mr. Bad have been going downhill for a minute.  It started with him giving me an itemized description of his bills the same evening that he found out that I got my paycheck.  (Like I give a fuck what some dude I met 3 weeks ago has to pay for his cell phone!?!)  It continued when he called to ask me out last Tuesday.  Sounds like that would be a good thing, but it wasn't.  You see, when we first started "talking", I told Big Mr. Bad that my pet peeve with men is that they start thinking that the sex is enough to keep me and stop taking me out.  "Oh no, that will never happen with me!  I love to go out."  Uh, huh.  Cause we've actually only been on one date so far.

So he calls me at around 6:30 pm.  The cell phone is downstairs and I'm upstairs, so I don't hear it.  I go downstairs at around 7:30 and my phone is ringing, its Hautechick.  I get off the phone with her and see that Big Mr. Bad has called me 5 times.  I'm about to check the message when he calls again.  (sidenote - I had food poisoning last weekend (DAMN YOU RED LOBSTER!) and Big Mr Bad knew I still wasn't feeling well)  "Hey, where have you been?!" (is that a slight attitude I detect?) "My uncle got some last minute tickets to a comedy show tonight.  Can you be ready in 20 minutes?"  Uh, "No."

What part of I've been throwing up all weekend and haven't eaten solid food do you not understand?  No.  And 20 minutes?!?  Some notice that is.  Granted he had tried to reach me earlier, but the voicemail revealed that he didn't mention anything about tickets or a comedy show, just asked me to call him back.

Then comes The Call.  You know, the lets beat around the bush and not really say anything but I think you might not like that much anymore and I wanna ask you what I'm doing wrong but I'm a chickenshit call.  The hemming and hawing is not at all masculine.  When I say, "Is there something on your mind?" thats your cue to tell me what the fuck is on your mind!  So when he didn't say anything other than, "I've got alot on my mind I guess and I can't sleep."  I said something along the lines of "Well listening to you breathe is putting me to sleep, so I'll talk to you tomorrow."  I didn't expect him to call me at 7 fucking 45 in the morning. (for those that missed it, I sorta kinda don't have to work for awhile and I basically sleep til noon) Naturally I ignored that shit.

He called back at about 1, I just missed it and returned the call.  "Hey, I just got busy, I'll call you back in about 5 minutes."  Oh-kay!  Except, he didn't call me back for about 4 hours and by that time I was basically through.  He's done that a couple of times.  Tell me he'll call me back in 5 minutes when he really means 5 hours.  Just say later idiot and it wouldn't piss me off.  But it does.  Piss me off that is.  He leaves a message, "Hey, give me a call when you get this."  I went about my business that night and went to sleep.  The next morning, its deja vu all over again.  7 fucking 45 in the morning and this fool is calling me.  No message.  Now he's really starting to get on my nerves.  Long story a little shorter, I spent Thursday afternoon getting massages with Ripeshit aka Hautechick (see Lil Sister Blues below) and was pretty much out of the house and running around with either her or my Mom from Thursday at 1:30 til midnight Saturday morning.  In that span of time, Big Mr. Bad called me a total of 24 times.  (only 3 voicemails)  

That really put me off, so I answered the phone when he called on Saturday evening.  (I didn't count the 9 times he called me on Saturday in the previous total.)  "Do you realize how many times you've called me in the last 2 days?"  "Alot"  "yeah, what the hell is up with that?"  "I was worried about you."  "You never left a message to that affect."  "Well, no..." "It was my sisters birthday, not that I owe you an explanation, especially when I told you we had some stuff planned earlier in the week." "Oh! I forgot, I'm sorry"  "Yeah we'll its not cool with me, that shits not cool at all.  I think you need to take a step back." "Uh..." "I'll Call You, if I change how I feel.  Ok?"  "Uh"  "Ok!?!" "Ok..." Click.

Coockaberry

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Merry merry merry merry life had he

(that's how I learned it but its supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he)

Laugh, Kookaburra, Laugh

Kookaburra gay your life must be.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Eating all the gumdrops he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop, Kookaburra

Leave some there for me.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Counting all the monkeys that he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop Kookaburra,

That's no monkey, that's me

Kookaburra had two little girls

Sweet as sugar

and smiles like pearls

Laugh, Koookaburra laugh Kookaburra

Gay your life must be...

This song always makes me a lil weepy, cause my Daddy taught it to me and Hautechick when we were little.  I always thought that he made it up, but its actually an Australian Children's Song.  I also always thought that it was Cookaberry, hence the title of this post.  And I always thought that Cookaberry was my Daddy.  My lyrics are a little different than the original.  The second line is supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he.  But that didn't make sense to lil girls from Bed-Stuy.  Why would anyone want to be king of the rose bush in the front yard?  That thing used to always stick me.  And the last verse I made up when I was 8, after Daddy passed away...

Arrrrgh!

• some of you may have noticed that I've been posting at strange times, like say 4 in the morning.  yeah about that, I haven't been into the office in about 4 weeks or so.  Still getting paid, just not going in.  Don't really feel like explaining further cause its kinda complicated and pisses me off to a certain extent.  Don't worry everything is A-OK!
• I'm trying to redo my fucking resume.  I haven't updated that shit in 7 years and they stuff that I've been doing for the last seven years is enough to fill a 20 page report.  Can't I just say, "I've done it all, do it well, and look fucking fabulous doing it!  Hire my ass and pay me lots of money so that I can buy a TypHo estate on Anguilla!"
• I'm having trouble (*tee hee) remembering what day it is, and the fucking crazy ass time stamp on The TypHo Network is not helping in the least!

Quickly...

cause it is Christmas and Hautechick and The Artist are making like a 7 course meal (I helped make the desserts individual lemon cakes with fresh made lemon whipped cream and fresh raspberries, and/or individual chocolate cakes with fresh made coco whipped cream and raspberries - all the cakes are star shaped!) so I gotta go soon but I wanted to tell you all where the hell I've been.  Holidays are crazy and shit!

- Coco of the brown teeth is no longer Coco of the brown teeth!  My cousin got her shit together and got herself a brand new set of chompers!  Go coco!  They look good.  And just in case you thought I might have lost my snark for the holidays, I would just like to add:  Now get a better weave and we might be in business, that shit was terrible!

- Mommy and I were headed out shopping and we took the Jackie Robinson Expressway.  Since alot of you are not from Brooklyn or Queens and even if you are alot of people avoid that shit let me tell you a little about the Jackie Rob.  It used to be known as the Interborough, running from Brooklyn to Queens.  A lot of people avoid it because its a two lane (in each direction) expressway with very little shoulder, concrete barriers in between the east and west bound lanes and surrounding the expressway.  Its a tight fit that makes a lot of people uncomfortable.  Then you throw in the twisty turny part that runs through one of the largest cemeteries in NYC and you get even less people that want to take it.  Mommy's last driving lesson (while she was preggo with me) was on the Interborough so she's a pro at it, and I happen to know that its a hell of a rush on the back of a motorcycle.  I've driven it a few times myself with no problem, but then again I've been a passenger when other people have taken it and feared for my life.

So anyway, we were headed out to Long Island, which usually takes about 30 minutes if traffic is clear.  It wasn't clear.  You usually don't find too many larger SUVs or trucks on the Jackie Rob/Interborough (sorry I grew up calling it the Interborough so I still tend to call it that, what can I say, I'm sooo old school) but occasionally see one or two.  Boy did we see one!  A tractor trailer in fact (dumbass) decided to brave the Jackie Rob.  He was doing fine til that twisty turny part I mentioned.  Mommy and I didn't see it but when we passed the truck it looked like the whole trailer had just crumpled.  I'm guessing he hit the concrete barrier on the side of the road.  And even though I always get pissed when people slow down by an accident, I took a picture or two.  I couldn't help myself!  

If you're wondering how the cops got past all the traffic to get to the accident, the answer is they went down the middle of the road!  All of the cars on either side pulled onto the 1/4 of a shoulder that exist on the Jackie Rob and he just eased on down.  Kinda cool, not to mention it was one of those new Dodge Chargers that NYPD got. 

That wasn't quickly at all, was it?

Look What I Found Daners!

Ok, so I think the Captain Jack Sparrow doll should go to Anners, but I found this one for you!

By the by, the Captain Jack doll talks, it'd be cooler if he said dirty things...

Young Buck

So I figured out what the Young Bucks name is, but he will be known (for however briefly) on Snarky as Young Buck. As I will it, so mote it be!  ( I would apologize for the last sentence, but you guys should be used to my irreverence by now)  Anyway, we talked a couple of times and he makes me laugh so thats a plus.  BUTT (thats a really big butt - who knows what movie thats from?) I feel a way cause Hautey and the Artist called me a baby cougar cause he's younger than me.  I'm afraid to ask exactly how much younger he is.  ANNNND cause we were speaking the other night and got cut off.  He called me back, we spoke a little longer and then got cut off again.  When I tried to call him off, I got the out of service message and haven't been able to get through since.  So its not looking good for the Young Buck.  

And Brownie is looking for me, but I have yet to answer the phone...

I hate old ladies...

...not all of them.  But the ones who think that having some wrinkles and grey hair entitles them to speak to people any old way.  Sorry old bitch, my respect is earned, but you knew that didn't you?

So last night should have been a wonderful evening, I took Mommy to go see ALVIN AILEY!!!!  and you know how I feel about Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. (NYC residents - if you were unable to get tickets to this years City Center performances, they will performing at BAM in June)  Plus it was a night of all new works, including Firebird, which was first.  In this staging, the lead role of the firebird was danced by a male, Clifton Brown.  And oh boy did his ass and thighs make me forget where the hell I was!  Then the other firebird comes out, and boy was he ever the perfect compliment to Mr. Browns light and lovely looks.  Jamar Roberts (I think) is a luscious piece of chocolaty man candy, yes indeed.  We also saw Unfold, which while short was phenomenal!  I think that was my favorite piece of the night.  It was danced my Linda Celeste Sims (who is one of the more recognizable faces of Ailey, she appears in a number of their promotional materials and is really quite beautiful, then she starts dancing and it becomes impossible to take your eyes off of her) and Clifton Brown, Mr. Firebird.

There were two other pieces, The Groove to Nobody's Business and Saddle Up, both were being preformed for the first time this year.  They weren't bad, but I think I prefer the older choreography.  They seems to beheading more towards a modern dance flavor and I'm hesitant to like it since one of the things that I find so mesmerizing about AAADT is their ballet skills.  The leg extensions, the beautifully pointed toe, all of that seemed lacking in The Groove.  Saddle Up was better, but Mommy didn't get it.  Part of the reason that I like Saddle Up is that they used the music of Yo Yo Ma and I dig him.

Now about the old ladies.  If you've ever been to the theater, you know that if you arrive late, they usually make you wait and watch on a closed circuit tv until intermission.  Well thats what happened to the 6 old ladies that were sitting next to and behind me.  And of course I would get stuck sitting next to and in front of the most annoying old biddies in the bunch.  The one next to me, comes in and sits down and decides that I'm in her seat.  I know its not because not only do I know what seats I bought (I looked at the seating chart with the ticket agent when I got them) but we were also seated by an usher, and I'm pretty sure she would know.  Also I heard one of the other women say, "we have the three on the end in both of these rows."  So when she looks at me and says, "You're in my seat!  I'm not going to ask you to move, yet"  I looked at her like, bitch you better not ask me to do shit but excuse your rude attitude!  So the next piece starts and the one behind me, who of course has the most annoying voice you ever heard, decided now is the time to complain about having to wait outside during the first piece.    And my seat mate decides to continue talking about how I'm in her seat. 

Luckily it was a short piece and they shut the fuck up when just about everyone in the section around them cleared their throats as a subtle hint to "SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU OLD BAG!"  Oh how I wanted to say that last night.  So its a brief pause in the show and the old bitch next to me finally realizes that I'm not 19 like she first assumed, and she changes her tone.  "I'm pretty sure that she's in my seat and I can't see anything from here, but I don't want to cause any trouble."  So now she's gonna play the poor old woman card.  Sorry bitch not buying it, and neither for that matter is Mommy.  

"What the hell is she going on about now.  Like it wasn't bad enough that they were talking all during the beginning of the piece.  If you were in her seat, don't you think the usher would have asked you to move already?  Sheesh!"  "It's alright Mommy, I know what seats I bought and since she doesn't feel its necessary to address me directly, she can kiss my ass."  I dont think that I need to mention that these women were sitting right next to us so they undoubtedly heard everything Mommy and I said, just like we heard everything that they said.  All of a sudden old bitch wants to check her ticket and lo and behold, she is in the right seat.  Which of course she doesn't want to sit in anymore, she ended up going upstairs to the cheap seats by herself.  Honestly, I think she was annoying the snot out of her friends too, cause no one offered to go with her. 

Lord, please don't let me grow up to be a bitter old woman.   Please!

Sorry!

Thanks for the kick in the ass Anners!  A lot happened this week..

*  I developed a new sleeping pattern where I fall asleep at 11:30 wake up at 1, fall asleep, wake up at 3, fall asleep and wake up at 6 at which point I either pee and fall back asleep or stare at the ceiling until its time to get up

*I went out with Bubba which was great.  But while I was waiting for him, I was hit on by a delivery guy and a homeless man, at the same time.  The homeless man was standing across from me in front of the restaurant that I was meeting Bubba at.  This woman walks up to look at the menu and the homeless guy gives her the side eye and says (I shit you not!) "Why you gotta be standing all close to me and shit!  Don't you see I'm crazy!  Stupid bitch" at which point I crack the fuck up.  Wrong thing to do, cause now the delivery guy who was sitting in the truck I was standing in front of decides to strike up a conversation, "You waiting for me to take you out to eat?"  Where are we going McDonalds?  So I'm politely ignoring him, which causes me to catch the homeless guys eye, "I had this lady, and she used to always ask me, how come you last so long, and I'd tell her, you just hold on baby, daddy's bout to come, and I'm gonna fill you up..."  Yeah rock and a hard place.  Luckily Bubba arrived not soon after and wanted to know why I had tears streaming down my face and couldn't catch my breath.

*I met Hautechick for what was supposed to be lunch, but we ended up in Club Monaco shopping for an outfit for the Artist.  Which made me realize that part of the reason that I miss having a man is cause I miss buying him clothes.  It was alot of fun helping Hautey dress the Artist though.  And I told her he would like a bow tie, she said no, then told him about my idea, and of course he loved it!

*I may be going to either Trinidad, Barbados, or Italy.  Not sure...

*I got lost in a mega Barnes and Nobles.  Usually I love the bookstore, but I couldn't find anything in this one, it was too big.  And there were people lying all over the floor.  Ok, I'm totally cool with people using the Barnes and Nobles as a library as long as they don't fuck up the books or LAY IN FRONT OF THE BOOKS!! Sure you may not want to buy something, but don't stop other people from buying stuff.   And they didn't have all of the new books out like they usually do.  So I ended up coming home and ordering the books I wanted from the b&n website.  I did get this baking handbook that has a recipe for bagels and english muffins.  I was going to bake a cake, but Mommy beat me to it.  Boy is it good - eating some now!

*I'm supposed to go to a party on Saturday...

*I gained 8 pounds!  Go TRex!  Mommy says I look alot better, that I was starting to look old ("You looked 25 instead of 21" which is crazy since I'm 30) and the extra weight is carried well.  Yeah, Trouble got her ass back

Thank You Afro!

For sticking up for me against the harpies!  

Anners and Daners Are Big Stinky Brontosauruses!

Am I Wrong...

...for getting happy when I heard that Bubba isn't getting married? Cause I dont feel guilty, just really really happy for him. Shit he doesn't sound to broken up about it. He just got back from Paris and we are going to lunch next week. He doesn't know yet, but he's treating and I'm getting pissy drunk!

...for being intrigued by the fact that Hautey went to a titty bar in Las Vegas last night. She's strictly dickly but she's an Aquarius.

Huh

Apparently I'm a member of Team Celine, so if any of you are interested in Celine Dion tickets, holla at your girl! You know I got that hotness! Owwww

And I think "Don't Forget to Hide A Pickle In The Solstice Tree" has got to be one of the best titles that I've come up with, if I might say so myself. I think thats going to be the name of my novel...

And TRexy is still making me giggle like a loon.

I had to take the train with high school kids this morning and for some reason that always makes me nervous. By the by Afro, I was right, that was my train!

Wish me luck, the NY Mega Millions Jackpot is now 96 million dollars! That's 96 million dollars! Ah ha ha ha! (sorry still channeling the Count) I promise to buy you all something (or at least come and visit you all) if I win. Hmmm, I'm thinking TypHo estates in Canada, Hawaii, Turkey, Barbados, Seychelles, Belize or Ecuador, Thailand, Italy, and New Zealand.

For some reason this morning I said to Persian Royalty, "I need tea and sympathy!" he cracked up and told me thats the name of a restaurant. And don't worry I don't really need the sympathy, I'm in an exceptionally good mood! Which is hella strange considering...

Apparently I have some new alter egos

Say hello to DumbRexy and TRexy.  They may be popping up from time to time to cause Trouble!  (that cracks me up, I said cause Trouble!)

And thank Anners, she brought out the catty mean non eater in me.

Don't Forget to Hide a Pickle in the Solstice Tree!

* you show me where in the Bible is says that JC was born on December 25th and I'll start calling it Christmas. Some Pope back in the 4th Century choose December 25th, which was already an established holiday among Pagans. (by the by Pagan comes from the word paganus which means rustic, and refers to people that adhere to a Pre-Christian religion - mostly nature based or polytheistic. Oh shit look at the Dumb Rexy knowing shit! owwwwww!) That shit is Winter Solstice or Brumalia if you want to go waaaaay back. Christmas didn't even become a federal holiday in the USA until 1870.

When you're setting up your Solstice tree this year, don't forget to hide a pickle! Its a German tradition. And whom ever finds it on Solstice Eve, gets a special gift! Just some random winter knowledge that I picked up working in a Holiday Ornament store in high school. We used to sell glass pickles. I also know from working there that the man who used to play the Lone Ranger is delusional (dude you were on tv before I was even born, of course I didn't know who you were! Shit even the older folk didn't know who the hell you were, even AFTER you said your name, which I still dont recall) Rosie is hell on assistants and something of a meanie (we sold these ruby slipper ornaments that were covered in glitter and kept sending her assistant back to exchange them cause she didn't like the way the glitter was placed. I should point out that she picked them out herself but blamed the assistant) And Gregory Hines was exceptionally nice, a true gentleman and entertainer! RIP Mr. Hines...

How Cold Is It?

Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra! Cold enough to freeze the balls off of a brass monkey! (Buzz taught me that one!) It's fucking cold! And it snowed again last night.

I'll be back I'm going to buy tickets to Alvin Ailey! Firebird here I come! I don't know if I mentioned this but the lead dancer for Firebird is a man! I remember watching Judith Jamison dance the lead part as a kid, and am soooo excited to see it from another perspective.

If anyone out there knows any dancers, here is the audition schedule for The Ailey's School. Auditions are being held all around the country.

Totally random: I've realized that I can now say "20 years ago I was..."