Snarky Black Chicks

Teenage Boys

2009-08-06T13:29:00.003-04:00

So Four asked me to do him a favor since he's in Philly this week. A good friend of his, and a guy who went to high school with both of us (and I actually likes as a person even back then) runs a basketball camp for teenage boys one week each summer. It's actually not just a basketball camp because they also teach the boys leadership and life skills. They talked to them about how they can turn something they love (basketball) into something that can help them advance their lives. So I really had no problem saying that I would help out. And boy am I glad that I am for several reasons.

First, there is no better balm for a 31 year old woman's ego than to be the only female in a camp full of 30 boys and about 15 college educated men. Especially if she knows a thing or two about basketball which of course I do! The second reason is kind of related to the first. Since I'm the only woman, I naturally get alot of attention from the guys. But because GoodGuy and Four are such good friends they usually talk fairly often and I suspect GoodGuy must have mentioned something about that to Four because he has been calling to check on me at least three times a day. Once in the morning when he wakes up. Once while I'm at the camp to make sure things are going ok. And then there is our usual 2 hour conversation at night when I get home. Four has always been attentive but me being surrounded by males for 5 hours a day has taken it to another level.

Then there is the fact that it is rewarding as all hell. I highly recommend that everyone find a way to volunteer in their community in some way shape or form. There is no greater reward than making a difference in someone elses life. I haven't actually played ball in years so I dont think there is too much that I can offer the boys in the way of that, but I have yelled at alot of them about speaking up, introducing themselves with some pride, pulling their damn pants/shorts up, etc. I always leave tired but refreshed if that makes any sense. Yesterday I spent a good 45 minutes of my nightly convo with Four talking about various boys in the program and the potential that I see. I'm pretty sure that there are a couple of future stars in the program and one kid who is definitely going places - his personality and level of maturity is amazing, not to mention he's adorable and has a pretty good game.

So thank you Four for asking me to help, because I've really been enjoying myself!

The Make Up

2009-08-06T13:07:00.002-04:00

So Four let me be mad for like a day. Then he called me and asked if we could get together and discuss what was going on. I have to give him this, the man is smart and he really pays attention to me. I've never been the type of woman to yell and scream at a man that I'm seeing but Four made sure that wasn't even an option. In fact he made sure that I was going to be as happy as possible before we got down to brass tacks. What did he do? He picked me up and took me to Five Guys! Yes, the way to my heart is through my stomach! How could I be really pissed when I knew he was taking me to my favorite burger joint. So even though we started the conversation in the car on the way there, I still had a bit of a smile on my face.

We got through it calmly, with a frank and open conversation about what was really the heart of the matter. I felt as if he really didn't want to go and showed it by trying to cut it so close with getting there, He felt that I just completely shut him down and gave up on him. This is especially poignant because the previous week I had told him how I usually dump guys after three months rather than invest more time with them. He thought that was what I was doing to him since it was about three months since we have been dating. Funny thing is, that have never even crossed my mind. I actually think that I might be falling in love, but since that would be something that I have never done before I'm not sure if I can trust my feelings.

Four broke up with a long time girlfriend at the end of last year and it really sent him for a loop. I personally think the woman was an idiot with self esteem issues but to be honest I am extremely greatful to the dummy. I mean without her fucking up, I wouldn't be with him now, and if it hadn't ended as badly as it did, then I dont think Four would even have considered dating me. It's not that he wouldn't have been attracted to me cause lets face it, I'm a hottie. But I am not anything like the typical woman that he dates. Despite gaining about 20 pounds (in all the right places!) since January, I'm still alot slimmer than the women that he has dated in the past. As he put it, he usually goes for the big body model and that is definitely not me. Also I have never had a problem admitting when I'm wrong - Four calls it my auto correct feature. Then there is the fact that we joke around alot more than either one of us have ever done with a partner. It is not unusual for me to call him a jerk at least once during a conversation and vice versa. We constantly make fun of each other and ourselves and laughter is a big part of our relationship.

All this has kinda helped me to realized what I've been missing in my relationships in the past. Four travels alot for work and his latest assignment is a 6 month stint in Philly. He started last week and brought me with him. I have to admit that it gave me a taste of what a housewife would feel like, sending him off to work in the morning, greeting him in some naughty lingerie when he got back. But it also kind of spoiled me, I miss falling asleeep and waking up next to him. I think I've got it bad...

The First Fight

2009-07-26T10:26:00.002-04:00

It was inevitable. I knew it was coming, but I'm still not sure how to handle my disappointment.

I invited Four to Gutz' wedding about a month ago - the wedding itself was held yesterday. I told him that it was to be a ghetoriffic affair, bride all tatted up, groom with cornrows and tatts as well, held in a place (not a church) right in the middle of the hood. I also said that some of my favorite people would be there and I would like for him to meet them. My gorgeous lil cuz (who's 21 and at least 6 feet tall so I should really stop calling him my lil cuz!), my god daughter, Cousin T, my aunts - so I was happy to be going. And at the least I expected it to be entertaining.

The disagreement started a month ago when I showed him the first dress I had planned on wearing. He didn't like it, which was fine but a bit of a let down. I love to shop, so I found another dress - it was $20 and adorable so that kind of took the sting out of him not liking the first dress. But then he said that this dress was too short. It covered my ass and nothing was hanging out, it wasn't skin tight, so I figured he would get over it. Now for the next escalation.

Four assistant coaches some 13+ boys in a basketball league. I asked him if he was sure that he could make it or if he had a game the day of the wedding. He tells me that yes they have a game but that he should be able to make it and if anything that he would just meet me at the wedding. Ooooookay! I'm thinking that he has a game at 11 or 12 and that he'll be down at 1, head home to take a shower and still be just able to make it to the wedding at 3:30. Then last week, he tells me how the head coach cancelled practice on Thursday and Friday so that he could go to a friends rehearsal dinner and wedding. I'm hoping that he will take the cue and say that he can't make it to the game on Saturday so that he can be my date. No such luck

To make matters worse, my cousin who is the photographer asks me for my help since he is the one giving Gutz away. I'm excited for the opportunity since I recently started getting back into photography, something that I haven't done since I was a sophomore in college. I tell Four thinking he'll be excited since I am, and his reaction is "So you're going to be leaving me alone with a bunch of people I don't know!?" I'm calm, cool and collected even though I'm more than disappointed in his reaction. I don't point out that that is exactly what he did to me when we went to the wedding in VA. I don't point out that in VA, he didn't have a specific function that kept him from being with me, he was just off talking to his friends. Instead I tell him that I will make sure that he is seated with Lil Cuz since they have alot to talk about and my Lil Cuz is the best! He still doesn't look convinced and I'm starting to get nervous about how this wedding is going to play out.

The day of the wedding, I wake up early to take care of some stuff and around noon I send him a text message to see what he's up to. I'm expecting him to tell me that he's in the middle of a game and instead he waits about 10 minutes before texting me back and telling me that he doesn't start coaching until 1. WTF!!!! If he had been in Brooklyn, where the wedding is, or even in Queens, where he lives, I wouldn't have been concerned. But he's not, he's in Harlem and I can see no possible way for him to make it to the wedding. So I say as much, I send him a text that said "So your not going to make it to the wedding..." He waits an additional 20 minutes, til about 1:30 and then he calls me. He tells me that he has his clothes with him. Getting madder because even though I told him it was a ghetto wedding, I still expect him to take a shower before getting dressed. He tells me that the game has been forfeited and that his boys won. Getting even madder because the way I see it that means that he REALLY didn't need to be there. He tells me that he's about to leave and he can make it to the wedding. Getting really mad because I feel like he should have been in the car already making his way to Brooklyn. So I tell him not to bother, that I can go to the wedding by myself, he doesn't have to come with me.

I'm mad and I'm the first one to admit that most people do not act rationally when they are upset. But it's the way I feel. Sure he could have made it to the wedding and I really didn't expect it to start on time (actually didn't start until after 4) but I was feeling like he didn't really take it seriously. Like his priority was the boys basketball team, not going to a wedding with me. I'm thinking about how I spent 4 days in VA to go to a wedding with him. How I paid for my plane ticket. How I spent one of those days mostly alone because he couldn't fly down til Friday night and I came in on Thursday night. How he left me alone at the table while he went and entertained his best friends girl. How he would walk off and have conversations with people and leave me alone at the table and how I would have been madder about it had I not gotten along so well with one of the women at the table. And I don't want to deal with him. So when he sends me a text 20 minutes later that he's on his way to Brooklyn and am I sure that I don't want him to come, I say "no thanks!"

And when I get there and he's sending me text messages about how badly I behaved, I indulged in a text fight for awhile, then realized that I was having a good time at the wedding and told him I didn't want to deal with him now because I was enjoying myself. I was even more pissed off that he would feel the need to lash out at my reaction DURING the fucking wedding. Felt like he was trying to make sure that I didn't have fun. I also got pissed when he told me that he felt that I reacted badly. I didn't curse him out, or scream, or anything of the sort. I just calmly told him that I didn't want him to come with me. When he texted to tell me that my reaction and choice not to have him come was not cool- I told him that I would rather be at the wedding alone than have him with me and be pissed off the whole time because of unresolved issues. Sure the issue is still unresolved but because he wasn't sitting next to me I was able to put it aside and actually enjoy myself.

I know that I made the right decision telling him not to come with me but I know that today is a new day and eventually I'm going to have to deal with my anger at him...

Back in Brooklyn

2009-07-01T09:44:00.003-04:00

So I didn't get a chance to finish the Richmond story while I was actually there, because Four was with me for the rest of the trip. I got back into Brooklyn on Monday, sleepy as shit due to a 6 am flight after 2 hours of sleep. By time I was getting into my nap on the plane we were landing! I had a great time! Even Four nearly passing out after the hot tub was fun! I told him not to drink too much wine before we got in!

I discovered alot on this trip. Chick-fil-a, target selling wine (and fireworks!), scattered hash browns from Waffle House, strong ass drinks in the clubs, and thats just the food and drink related stuff. I also found out that I could go away with a man and not want to kill him. And that living in NYC has spoiled me - I've had my drivers licence for over 10 years and I've driven maybe 10 times since then. That changed in VA. First I had to pick up the rental car before Four arrived. Then I took a trip to Target and Chick-fil-a, then I had to pick up Four from the airport. I also drove on Sunday since Four has a bad back and was all drugged up when it started bothering him.

For the most part, I really like his friends. They are all well educated, highly hilarious individuals. Get them together and its great jokes, and amazing conversation. And the men are almost all 6 feet tall or better, I felt like a midget in my flats! After the rehearsal dinner, we headed out to a club and it was hilarious for several reasons. It was interesting to watch the women in the club react to the guys we were with. And it was funny watching their reactions when the realized that just about all of them had hit the club with a woman by their side! Oh the hate, not that I can be mad at them. Then there was the dude that sweated out his whole suit. You would have thought that he would take his jacket off once he started dancing and sweating but you would be wrong. At the end of the night, he even danced his way out of the club. There was also a cover band that did an r&b version of Mrs. Officer. It reminded me of the wedding singer from The Hangover. I think I giggled through their whole set. I also found it interesting that the men there were alot older than the women, at least they looked older.

The wedding was beautiful. Black love is a gorgeous thing! The bride and groom make a beautiful couple. And the wedding cake was fantastic! We headed out to a club after the wedding but let me skip back to the part where I said that I like all of his friends for the most part. There was one chick there that I was really contemplating punching in the throat! I might have mentioned that Four and I went to the same high school and that he was two years behind me. Well this chick also went to our high school and was a year behind Four. So after the wedding Four introduces me to her and ask if I remember her from school, which I didn't. I stopped paying attention to the underclassmen that were behind Four. Didn't really know them and didn't really care to. My senior year, when she would have been a freshman, I was more concerned with getting out of there without having to kill someone.

But the school was very small, I think there was something like 87 kids in the whole school the year I graduated. And while I wasn't too concerned with making new friends my senior year, I was also captain of three sports teams, in the chorus and jazz band, in at least two plays, and on student government. So when Four asked me if I knew her, I couldnt say that I did at the time. He introduces me as his date and then says loud enough for her to hear, that we all went to the same high school. We get to the reception and Four is off talking to some of his friends, and I'm standing by our table with a couple that I met down there (by the way, I loved these two. Shes, let call her L, incredibly snarky!) and this chick is going to say to me, "so who do you know, the bride or the groom?" L shoots me a look and I'm thinking is this chick trying to make me feel like an outsider, because its clear that everyone knows each other, either because they went to school together, or because they are coupled up with people who went to school together. I tell her that I'm here with Jason and she hits me with an "Oh". You know they kind I'm talking about, thats laced with disdain. About 5 minutes later L ask me what the hell is that chicks problem and I truly cannot tell. I should also mention that it was about 5 minutes into the reception and she was already smelling like someone dumped 2 gallons of liquor on her head. The chick was down there with her husband, who has met a number of the crew before but is still a bit of an outsider like me. She left poor dude alone at the table for most of the evening and lord only knows where she went.

At the end of the night, after L and I made numerous jokes at her expense (I may not have a relaxer in my hair, but I know enough about them to say that she was about 6 weeks past needing a touch up - you trying to tell me that she's never heard of a flat iron?!) her and her poor husband are leaving and she's going to come up to me and say, "it was nice meeting you." And I say, we aren't just meeting, we went to the same high school and she comes back with a "yeah, but I don't remember you." Really bitch, for some reason I doubt that highly. While I may not remember too many underclassmen that I didn't have personal relationships with, I sure as hell remember all of the people who were ahead of me in school. I spoke at graduation, which all the underclassmen attended. I was one of the leads in the senior play, which again all the underclassmen attended. I was all over that school and you dont remember me? I'm just gonna say I doubt it and leave it at that.

Anyway back to me and Four. We discovered that we both have a sick sense of humor, which we already kind of knew but it was further demonstrated being around so many sharp witted people. We also discovered that he likes to play in my locks, although hes usually not even aware that he's doing it. We discovered that we really like sleeping next to one another, he's a great spooner. And when I got back, we discovered that we really missed sleeping next to one another. He's out of town on business and called me this morning around 8 just to hear my voice. We are turning into a very sappy couple.

Richmond

2009-06-27T13:34:00.002-04:00

A couple of weeks ago Four asked me to go to a wedding with him. So I'm currently in Richmond, VA sweating my ass off for a couple of reasons. First reason, it's hot as the hinges of hell down here. Second reason, it's the first time that I have gone out of town with a man. Third reason, it's a wedding and for some reason all of my friends think that its a big step in our relationship that he invited me to a wedding. Fourth reason, Chick-fil-A next door to a 5 Guys - I'm in fattening fast food heaven!I could probably continue the list of my anxieties into infinity but it seems pointless.

I actually spent most of yesterday alone because Four was coming from a consulting job so we took different planes into town. It was actually good cause it gave me time to calm my nerves. He's back so moe later!

Lions, Tigers and Bears

2009-06-11T12:51:00.004-04:00

Jazmine Sullivan's song is really speaking to me right now. I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm in a truly mature adult relationship. We've actually known each other since high school, and as is my way, Four is younger than me. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but he was always one of my favorite people back in the day. This was despite the fact that he used to love to hug me when he was sweaty (from playing basketball) and was always poking holes in my afro. Back in high school we had a brother sister relationship, and for a minute when we found each other again, thats how it was. He invited me to his birthday party and I while I noticed that he was looking a little yummy, I kind of chalked it up to the fact that I had been celibate for a good while. He made a point of introducing me to his boys, and by doing so, I got alot of dirty looks from some of the females in attendance. One in particular looked like she was ready to scratch my eyes out! Cousin T was with me, and we had a great time.

Then about a two months ago, I was in the house bored and decided to see what he was up to. On his way back to Brooklyn about to head to his boy's party, did I want to tag along? Most definitely. I put alot of thought into my outfit. Not because I wanted to look good for Four but because I didn't want to get the side eye from any of the chicks that he might want to bag. Bubba (my best white boy) and I have arrived at parties together and I know from those experiences how tight women can get when they see a boy they want to bag arrive with a female. So I wore some tight jeans that make my new booty (I've gained about 15 pounds since September) look great and a low cut dolman sleeve shirt. Did my makeup a little more subtle than I usually do for a party and was ret to go. Four texts me that he's outside and when I open my front door, he's standing in front of his MDX waiting for me. I realize now that I've lowered my standard considerably in the past, because this was the first time in a long time that a man was actually waiting to open the car door for me.

Four gives great hugs. I know I've never been that big, but I always see myself as a big burly bitch. But hugging his 6'4" frame made a bitch feel dainty and ladylike and damn it if I didn't like it! But I'm still thinking that we're just friends and that he's looking at me as a big sister not a potential partner. We hit the party and one of his good friends from high school (who I always thought was a sweetie) was there. Four and I are joking about all the tall men in the party and he's telling me that I should go do my thing. But for some reason I thought it wouldn't be cool and I stayed by his side. We sit down and sure enough he takes the "she's with me stance." That's when I started wondering, "is this a date or am I just out of practice being around male friends?" But no the second thing is not true. I recently hung out with my gorgeous god-brother with no problem. (You might be thinking that of course I wouldn't hit on my god-brother, but we hadn't seen each other from the time we were about 9 until about 2 years ago and we are in no way related by blood.) So what was going on with me?

We leave the party and I'm still deep in thought about what the hell is going on between me and Four. I'm not paying attention and two boys start a tussling. Four grabs me by the waist and pulls me in close to him and honestly I just about melted. Something about being in his arms just felt soooo nice. And I picked up that he liked me being there when the boys stopped the bullshit and he still didn't let me go. We went out to eat after and just like in high school the conversation was great. We definitely can wax poetically about more now than we did in high school, but I remember that we were never at a loss for words when we were together back then either. He could always make me laugh with his strange sense of humor and acerbic wit and I've found that nothing has changed about that. He also has the most uncanny ability to say the most outrageous things to me without me getting offended or pissed off. Actually they usually just make me laugh.

So he drives me home and the whole way there I'm wondering if I'm the only one who thought that this really felt like a date. I'm wondering if I kiss him will he pull back, let me because he doesn't want to offend me (and besides what man doesn't like kissing a hot woman!?) or will he be thinking the same thing that I am - wondering what those lips will feel like? So we get to my house and he gets out to open my door. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead I got another one of those hugs. It was a great hug, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to a kiss. So what do I do? I bet your thinking that I reached up and planted one on him. You'd be wrong. Or maybe that I asked him straight out to kiss me. You'd still be wrong. You know what my smooth ass does? I mush him!

Whatever doesn't kill me...

2009-06-02T00:40:00.003-04:00

This past year has really been a test for me in all aspects of my life. Career, education, personal relationships, self esteem - it all went to shit. But I'm thankful for all the crappy things that I went through. The second lay-off proved to be a blessing in disguise, although truth be told it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasted alot of times thinking hateful things at that woman. (sidebar - what kind of idiot hires back someone who quit less than a year before to go follow their dreams?!? but at this point I laugh at her stupidity and wish the two of them all that they deserve) And that just sent off a spiral of realizations.

I spent all of my energy and time working and I neglected myself to the point where I wondered if I would be able to pick up the pieces. Stopped going to school to finish my degree because I was "needed" at work. And all for what? Nothing that had any real value to me as an individual. Buying the house was about the only thing that was worthwhile from that whole career woman endeavor. I sacrificed alot of relationships in order to be there for a man that was paying my bills (BossMan) but did nothing else for me. I realized alot about myself last September. First and foremost was that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself - there are alot more people out there in worse situations than I was in.

Second thing that I realized was that I really didn't like the work that I had been doing. Sure, being a personal/executive assistant was easy for me, especially since I've always been able to keep smiling no matter what the circumstances, but it wasn't anything that I was passionate about. I also realized that I missed my drive, my passion, my reason de etre. I missed being creative and relatively carefree. I missed waking up in the morning with a smile on my face and I was determined to get that back in my life.

Then I realized that I have a tendency to over think things. There was a time when the people who know me would describe me as adventurous or spontaneous. I was famous for leaping without looking but somehow always making it work. Not so true anymore. I wondered when I became such a worry wort and somehow I managed to start worrying about that!

I took a look back at my life and saw that I've been working full time since I was 19 and decided it was time for a break. Especially when I realized that I have never been on unemployment in my life. Six months was the longest time that I had ever been out of work and I'm not sure that counts since I was still being paid. So I decided to take some time off. Time off from work, time off from worry, time off from the things that stole my joy.

So I went back to school in January, and maybe it was the leap without looking part of me that made me think I should take 5 classes (one writing intensive) my first semester back in about 6 or 7 years. Well guess what? I kicked ass! Turned out a 29 page research paper that I still can't believe that I pulled off and so far I've got 2 A's and 2 A-'s (still waiting for that fifth grade.) Two more classes and an internship (that I actually already did) and I'm done with my BA. Decided to go for my masters in Urban Planning or Affairs (haven't quite decided which one) and I'm thinking maybe about teaching - got an offer to assistant teach Urban Studies at the high school I graduated from - no pay, but I think I will really enjoy doing it.

I've reconnected with alot of people (thanks facebook) and put myself out there and made alot of new friends. Speaking of reconnecting, I'm actually seeing someone now who makes me extremely happy - someone that I've known for years. Had we reconnected last year this time, I'm pretty sure that I would have screwed it up, but so far so great. He really makes me feel incredibly special and sexy and I'm pretty sure that I make him feel the same way. But we are taking it slow because regardless of what happens between us, I don't want to lose him again.

So that's where I've been and what I've been up to. Reevaluating, readjusting, relearning and most importantly living. What the fuck have you guys been up to!?!?!

Kisses bitches!

Yours truly, Trouble

Somethings

2008-09-18T20:37:00.008-04:00

So I reallly try hard not to hate on GP, so when I found myself disliking Sarah Palin, I had to explore my reasoning. So I did a little research. Now, I want to start off by saying a couple of things. I'm not a democrat. That right, Trouble is a proud Independent. I actually voted for Ralph Nader in the last election. (my reasoning, not that I need to justify my decisions, was that since I couldn't get behind either of the candidates on the major party tickets, I would try and lend my vote to getting the green party a voice in the next election. Didn't work and were still stuck in a pseudo democracy, but it's not for lack of trying on my part.) While I voted for Hilary Clinton to become a senator in New York, I never considered her a viable candidate for President. (for me she had her chance when Bill was in office and for that matter so did he. let's try something new since the old shit is obviously not working.) I do feel that as a country, our moral character is atrocious, but I don't think that religion is the answer or has a place in government. (and yes I cannot help but hold the mother accountable for the actions of the daughter. that however has absolutely nothing to do with politics.)

Now, on to what I don't like about the Republican vice presidential nominee. Ok, fine the average American does take more than 4 years to finish college, and most of us I'm sure have gone to more than one college. But that just it, the AVERAGE American. I don't think that anything about our President in Waiting (cause lets be honest dude is reallly old and his health is not the best. in fact John McCain is something like 23 years older than the state of Alaska) should be average. We're talking about the so called leaders of the free world. They should be fan-fucking-tastic in every damn way. Exceptional even. Not former weather girls or whatever she was. Yeah we had presidents who were actors, but actors have to actually memorize line. Television reporters read from teleprompters. I'm not knocking television reporters, there are some exceptional ones, but she wasn't one of those either now was she?

And I know this is totally irrational and somewhat petty, but fuck it I'm entitled to my opinion, I hate her style. It's tacky. The "oh I'm so busy and unconcerned with my looks but make sure my bangs look good" hairstyle drives me insane. I was so fucking happy to see a picture of her with her hair down it was ridiculous. And I know that she's worn glasses since she was a little kid, but I still feel like she wears them so that people will take her seriously. Besides that I hate them. Whats the point of a rimless lens only to have that big metal side bar. The dude who makes them was like, oh thats nice that she made my glasses popular, but don't think I'm backing her or anything. (not a direct quote, but he really did say that - check the associated press if you like.) And then there's this picture of her sitting in what they say is her office (there's a whole debate going about her taste in decorating, but some people say thats not her office) in what have got to be the ugliest pair of red wedge flip flops. That really bothers me, I mean flip flops and Alaska just don't go together in my mind. But beyond that, you telling me Haviana's won't deliver to the Governor of Alaska? Come the fuck on, you can do better.

And that exactly the point. I'm no where near what you would call a McCain fan, but he could do soooo much better. It's like Jason Bourne said, it's like a bad fucking Disney movie. Actually it's more like one of those knock off Disney-type movies. I bet old Mike Eisner rejected 50 stories similar to this. And worse, I'm pretty sure the rest of the fucking world are continuing to laugh at the stooopid fucking Americans (hey, completely random but you know Bucket is a great replacement for saying Fuck It and just as much fun!)

Let's take a minute to talk about First Dude. So not cool. We are supposed to believe that Palin is this independent career driven woman that lets nothing stop her, and yet her husband always with her to the point that he's billing the state of Alaska for his time? Just how much influence is he going to have? The press has had a field day talking about the other spouses, even went so far as to call Michelle unAmerican but not so much info out there about Todd. I've heard that he was/may still be part of a group that would like for Alaska to secede from the United States, but I'm not sure if thats true. Regardless, I would like to know more.

I'm really just kind of hoping she goes the way of Geraldine Ferraro, I can't even remember whose running mate she was supposed to be.

Fashion for Change

2008-09-18T20:37:00.007-04:00

Oh. My. Gawd! I just absolutely must have/will wither without the following items. Seriously.

Marc Jacob's Obama '08 Button Tote Bag - $75
Rag & Bone's Change is Awesome Tote Bag - $75 (yes I need two tote bags!)
Tracy Reese's Obama '08 Black Ladies Long Sleeve T - $70
Nanette Lepore's Hope Anchor With Pin Ladies T - $65 (OMFG I lurv her!)

There are also t-shirts by cutie patootie Pharrell Williams, Juicy Couture (Dude, Where's The Hope?), Alexander Wang, Zac Posen, Narciso Rodriguez, Vera Wang, Maria Cornejo (i really like hers too), Russell Simmons, Tory Burch (which would look absolutely adorable with some cuffed jeans and a pair of her ballet flats) and more people who I either don't feel like typing, don't know or don't care for.

A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

2008-09-08T21:31:00.004-04:00

The Rat

So I'm at Nostrand Avenue train station, which is just about as bad as Utica for sighting rats. I'm walking toward the back of the Express platform because even though I need the local, I know that downstairs is like, I can't even come up with something its like cause its like nothing else you've ever seen. Rats every fucking where. And bold as shit too, don't think that stomping your foot is going to scare them off. So, I'm walking towards the back of the train and I see dude sitting there and I'm thinking that I sure as fuck wouldn't be sitting on the stairs with as many rats as there are at Nostrand. And just as I think that I see a rat by the edge of the platform. I'm still kinda far, Nostrand Ave is a long ass station, but it looks like the rat is closer to me than the man is. So I keep walking and as is my way, my mind starts to wonder. Where the fuck it goes, I haven't the foggiest, so if you come across it, just make sure it doesn't cause too much damage. (I was going to say trouble, but you were expecting that weren't you?)

I had my iPod with me so I'm sure I was singing along to something. All of a sudden I see the man jump up about 5 feet in the air and I see the rat running away. What. The. Fuck. Right? I mean did I really just see that. Did I really just see that rat sneak up on the dude and try to crawl up his shorts?!? Yes. The. Fuck. I. Did. And nearly passed the fuck out for him. I mean the leap in the air, in retrospect, was hilarious. But I couldn't even laugh because I was so fucking disgusted. So dude says to me, "You didn't just see that! You can not tell anyone one that you saw me scream like a girl." And I'm all private school snarky ass black chick with the, "Seriously are you kidding me?!? It was a fucking rat in your pants! I sooooo saw that and I'm soo writing about it on my blog!"

The Whatnot

If you were wondering where I've been, I was severely depressed after LadyShay came to New York, turned me on to the ways of Sapphic love and then abandoned me. After which I briefly stalked Taimak from the Last Dragon, which lead me to discover the death of Julius Carry which further deepened my depression. The situation was further exacerbated (whoa, I spelled that right on the first try- and I'm about to use it correctly!) when I discovered that two of the most disgusting, unattractive people I know are getting married (If a woman who has no problem spreading her thighs on the beach so that she can pick at her numerous razor bumps and I guy who has so many cavities that he doesn't even have to open his mouth for you to see them can find love, why the fuck can't I? Probably cause my ass is way too picky for some of these half assed dudes...) The depression abruptly lifted upon discovering the deliciousness that is Peaches (a restaurant) and smothering my blues in copious amounts of Chicken Fried Chicken from the Comfort Diner, Bacon Cheeseburgers and fries from 5 Guys (I am obsessed with 5 Guys - The Artist calls them crackburgers), spoiling my Mom with a Mojito soaked lunch at Cabana, discovering the funnocity that is Wii, washing an incredibly big dog who hates water and throwing myself into my work. You would think that I'd have gained some weight, but you'd be wrong, tummy's still 100 good sit ups away from a 6 pack. Ahh it is wonderful to be naturally thin. (and don't worry that food was supplemented with organic heart healthy oatmeal for breakfast and plenty of fruits and vegetables!)

Smooches Hooches!

You Know What's Good?

2008-08-08T20:41:00.004-04:00

Adele's album 19
Creme Puffs from Beard Pappa
The Treats Truck
the softness of my sister's afro
gorgeous brown babies
me in one of my favorite outfits (I have about 20)
well groomed little girls in pretty simple dresses
that gorgeous chocolate man that I work with that called me Lady Trouble when he introduced himself to me - swoon fucking worthy
the fact that my job has absolutely no problem with coworkers getting it on
my Momma's limeade
that Paul Frank Julius hoody with the puppets on the sleeves
love
that moment right before orgasm when your breathe catches and the world seems to stop
sweaty sated bodies intertwined
watching Katee and Will dance the Pas de Deux choreographed by Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden again, even with the flight flub on the turn the first time it was still so much better than good
me on top

SuperSlagalicious!

2008-08-08T20:09:00.002-04:00

That's not to be confused with the Swagalicious one

One day, I'm on my way to work and the trains were all kind of fucked up. Luckily I end up practically chest to chest with this dreaded wonder that was about 6'4". Unfortunately I was too close to look at his face without him knowing full well that I was looking at his face, so I'll just have to imagine that he was cute. 15 minutes and 1 whole stop later (despite what you may think about NYC, that is definitely not the norm) I feel a tap on my shoulder. I manage to wiggle around and who should it be but my infamous cousin SuperSlag. I really want to be snarky after her whole "I will do whatever I have to so that I don't ever have to take the train again" spiel about 5 years ago. But in reality I'm kind of proud that she returned that ugly ass Jag rather than have it repossessed - like her other cars. (ooops! I guess I just can't contain the snark)

So she gets off at her stop and I continue on my journey. Get off to transfer trains and there is literally a sea of people heading away from the platform that I'm heading to. Nobody bothers to mention to the people heading up the platform that the trains aren't running until I run into Keek - one of SuperSlags bestest since like the early 80s. Now I will say this about SuperSlag, I really can't knock most of her friends. I'm not talking about the people that she brings around. I'm talking about people that she's been hanging out with for like evah. Like me actually or even Cousin T. Her other bestest, E is also cool as hell. Anyway, Keek tells me what's going on with the trains (somebody passed the fuck out on the train and service was suspended) and she's heading the same way as me so we head on uptown together using another train (and another fucking transfer damn it!)

I tell her its crazy that I ran into her cause I just saw SuperSlag on the train, and she hits me with a very suspicious "Really." I ignore the interesting tone and continue on with, "Yeah two people I never see on the train and I run into both of you within 10 minutes of one another!" What can I say, I can be chipper as fuck and play ignorant like the best of them. I didn't know what had happened, but obviously something was up. Keeks goes on to tell happy sweet Tiki (she's known me since I was a kid, and I really am a sweetheart to people I like. Problem is I don't like most people.) that she's about to take SuperSlag to court for the $2000 she loaned her back in the beginning of the year. Turns out when SuperSlag needed to find a new apartment it was Keek's uncle that let her move into one of the houses that he owns. Turns out that after WackThug left SuperSlag, Keeks was the one to bring her food when she found out from her cousin that lives downstairs that SuperSlag hadn't been out of the apartment in about a week. Turns out that when SuperSlag couldn't pay her rent a couple of months later, it was Keeks that loaned it to her - something that no one in the family knew. (I can honestly say that at one point or another, just about all of her family members have lent her money to pay rent ect. and not gotten a penny of it back, myself and Mommy included.) Turns out that Keeks even gave her a couple of months to pay it back.

And you know what SuperSlag does? She stops answering the phone when Keeks calls and then she stops answering the phone when E calls too. She's avoiding her bestest like the plague. So she's getting sued. And you just might get the chance to watch it on Judge Judy!

Rock me sexy jesus...

2008-08-08T20:00:00.002-04:00

...never heard the song, but everytime I hear the title I always giggle.

Sooo, TheJob is spanking my ass. And since I love a good spank, I adore TheJob. The challenge, the people, the candy. I got it though an amazing temporary agency that I would love to recommend to people in the NYC area, but I gotta see a copy of your resume first, cause I'm not sending them duds, ya feel me. That's also why I'm not posting the name of the agency on my blog. Anyway, I'm working hard, using a good 80% of my brain, which is a huge gain over the maybe 2% I was using at the old place. It's not a cake walk, but then again I would probably hate it if it was. Because of that whole actually using my brain thing, I might not be as on it as I once was way back when, but I will continue to post.

And I promise that sometime this weekend I will catch back up on my blog reading...

Whew!

2008-07-21T20:52:00.005-04:00

Ok, 4 post in one day. I think that should be enough to get you through the week. But I got one more story. Ok, 2 more stories that I think you'll enjoy...

So its hot as the hinges of hell in New York right now. Has been for the last 3 weeks or so. And humid as shit! So I woke up on Saturday and took Duke outside in the backyard and decided that he looked hot and needed a haircut. Now I should point out that I've given Duke a haircut a couple of times and it generally comes out looking good. Not so this time. I don't know if it was because I was hot (I mean I was sweating buckets out there!) or because Duke was hot (he kept fidgeting) or because Mommy jinxed me ("Wow, it really looks like you know what your doing!" that was about 5 minutes before I took entirely too much off of his back left leg. Then he wouldn't give me his back right leg so that I could at least even it out!) Needless to say, my poor Pooper looks a mess. So bad that everytime I see him I say "Awwww, I'm sorry!" At least he's a lot cooler now. I, on the other hand, gave myself heat stroke out there cutting all that fucking hair off. I was thisclose to passing the fuck out.
After the heat stroke/bad doggy haircut debacle, I decided that I was going to take it easy on Sunday. Go get a mani/pedi and then go pick up dinner so that Mommy wouldn't have to cook. I was going to say Mommy or I, but who am I kidding, I'm allergic to the stove in the summer. So I get the mani/pedi (no thank you, designs are fine for some people, but fuck no I don't want polka dots on my toes!) and then stop at the ATM and hop on the train at Kingston/Throop to go get some food. I walk towards the back of the platform, but not too far cause I don't want the rats to get me. I'm waiting, I'm waiting. Everything copacetic until the train comes cause it brings a big ass rat with it! The rat in on the platform running from the train and heading right the fuck for me! I can admit I screamed a la Mariah, but I bet any of your asses would have done the same damned thing if you saw a NYC subway rat charging up the platform at your ass! So I'm screaming and running away from the rat and the people waiting in the middle of the train platform and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, UNTIL they see the rat then those mutherfuckers start hitting high notes too. So the train stops and the people getting off the train are looking at the people on the platform like we all lost our minds. AND then, they see the rat and a couple of them seriously looked like they were contemplating hopping right the fuck back on the train. That is until it looked like that was what the rat was going to do too...

Oh shit, I just remembered that I had a CWAAZZZY story to tell you about SuperSlag - somebody remind me...

The Boys...

2008-07-21T20:27:00.002-04:00

...Hi Swag! Hi Torrence!

I can't help it Lady Shay! I have always loved males. Ever since I was a little girl, boys have fascinated me. So much so, that the majority of my best friends have been males. In fact, all of my friends that are not related to me (by friend I mean people that I have known for more than 10 years) are male. When my sister and cousins wouldn't let me play with no, no problem, I just went and played with the boys.

That probably wouldn't have been a problem if I actually looked like a tomboy. I've always loved clothes, so even when I was playing with the boy, there was no mistaking that I was a girl. By the time I was 12 I had touched just about every adolescent penis on the block. Don't take that to mean I was loose, at least I wasn't loose yet. Alot of those touches resulted in a lot of pain for some unlucky little boys. And the only boy that ever tried to touch me back, is still trying to get his left nut to descend. I was just insanely curious and a penis was something that I didn't have. I'm not ashamed to say that they fascinate me and I want one. Not to replace what I have mind you.

It wasn't until I was 13 that I realized that girls aren't really very nice to girls that hang out with boys. Specially if they like said boys and can't understand why said boy would hang out with flat chested long legged girls that mostly hang out with boys. Specially when its well known she doesn't put out (yet.) Specially when she's definitely not a lesbian, shit, shes got absolutely no need for snot nose girls.

Then as I got older, and I actually was putting out, my boys still had me. Telling me when ever one of their little chicks would pop shit about me, usually right in front of the girl. Punching dudes in the face cause they tried to play me. Taking me to the supermarket in the middle of the night or the package store in the middle of the day. Coming to get me when they know I don't have a ride. Always being gentlemen even when they ain't getting no ass. Never making fun of the fact that sometimes I eat more than they do.

So forgive me if I gush over the boys, they've always been quite special to me.

(BUT BOY DO I LURV ME SOME LADY SHAY! I think its the boobs, I don't have those either...)

and Hi Afro! - even though I consider you one of the girls, in a good way

Brownie

2008-07-21T20:06:00.003-04:00

So I tried to call it quits with Brownie this weekend. I guess my reasons are kind of silly, but it really doesn't take much for me to cut and run. I once broke up with a guy because he got mad when I forgot his birthday. (And nicely had that fool turned around so that it was his fault that I was dumping him.) Then there was the guy who asked me to put Duke outside. (In his defense, he was mildly allergic, but Duke lives here, you sir do not.) Back in college, I once kicked a boy out of my room with the excuse that his breathing was disturbing my sleep. (Well, it was!) Needless to say, I'm not the chick that is trying to tie a brother down. But at the same time, I feel as though if I've been seeing someone for over 3 years, I should be getting a little more out of the deal then some mostly good dick.

I'm trivializing of course, Brownie and I have had some great conversations and we bounce ideas off one another all the time. It's just that he lives so far from me, that when we do see each other, it's usually about how much sex we can have in the alloted time. I'm guilty of falling prey to my hormones just as much as he is, but I always end up feeling a little cheated when its all said and done. And I said as much to him, and he came back at me with a, "Well you know I want you, babygirl, that goes without saying. I can admit that I get a little carried away when I see you, (it's that little thing I do when he's behind me) but you should know that its always been more than sex at least for me. You gotta give me some credit here, I always come after you..."

Which is true, he may wait a couple of months, but he doesn't give up on me. Lord knows I can be frustrating as hell! Most of you will have caught that I said, "I tried to call it quits" not I broke up Brownie. Thats because we talked and it seems that he doesn't think I take him seriously, and he feels like whenever he wants to take me out, I always say that I'm doing something with either my sister or Cousin T. (which sounds like something I would say.) And that he knows and understands that I have my own life, and that he would ever try and take that away from me, but that he wishes that I would try and make a little more time for him. "I want you to call me not just when you want to see me, or when I ask you to call me back, but because you just want to talk to me..."

It was all kinda sweet and shit, but can I honestly say that it also kinda scared the crap outta me! I got my Nike Rifts by the bed just in case I need to get my FloJo on...

Buggy

2008-07-21T19:51:00.003-04:00

Despite my tom-boyish tendencies as a child, there was always one thing that could make me turn into a shrieking girly mess, bugs. I hate them, all of them. Butterflies are pretty to look at, but let one of those mutherfuckers land on me, and I will hit a high note like Mariah. I don't care if its harmless, or pretty, I don't want it to touch me.

So naturally bugs flock to me in hives. I don't have ants in my apartment, or even roaches. I get fucking centipedes, one of the most horrid bugs in my opinion. Not only are they multi-legged but they are also kinda slimy and thus EXTREMELY GROSS! One night I left a glass of limeade by my bed in a big red plastic cup (what I think of as a party cup.) I wake up in the middle of the night, grab the cup and got a little something extra with my sip. No, it wasn't tequila, IT WAS A FUCKING CENTIPEDE IN MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!! But I didn't realize it at first, thought it might have been a bit of pulp. Good thing I can't stand pulp. Bad thing I spit it out in my hand and turned on the light to see what it was. (I can admit now that if anyone else had been in the apartment with me when this happened, they probably would have laughed their ass off at my antics, but seriously it was a bug in my mouth!) Lots of listerine, lots of tooth brushing, lots of willies....

Then the other night, I get out of bed to go potty and I step on something kind of squishy. I'm really hoping that Duke spit a piece of food out on the floor. Of course not. I killed the summabitch, but I still stepped on the damn thing with my bare foot. Needless to say my right foot was scrubbed til it was pink like a white babies bottom, and just as soft.

Boo!

2008-07-15T22:00:00.004-04:00

Yes I know it's been awhile. And a lot has happened in the land of Trouble...

Almost got back with PYT
Got back with Brownie
Went to Martha's Vineyard with Cousin T and The Gang
Got the plague from Gutz (she's Bobbie when she ain't giving me contagious viruses)
hung out with J.O. (he's Cousin T's best friend)
hung out with Bubba a couple of times
saw Grant Hill! (oh my Gawd! can I just say that I have had a crush on that man since he played for Duke and if that didn't make me feel old, the 10 year old twin boys I was with at the time had no idea who he was - the man is still fine. No disrespect Tamia)
went on my annual trip to the movies (I am REALLY not a fan of sitting in the cold cold dark with a bunch of strangers surrounded by surfaces whose cleanliness are entirely too questionable for my liking. I saw Hancock - felt like it was missing a half hour, but entertaining for the most part.)
found a temp agency that actually got results. as in sent me on more than one interview within the first week of me interviewing with them. as in ALL of the jobs that they sent me on were in my salary range AND interesting as hell. as in bitch got two offers...
oh, did I mention I got a job?
got a kick ass job
got an exciting wonderful challenging engaging lucrative position
did some serious shopping on a budget
ran into Giraffe from the OldJob on the train one morning. Congratulations on the baby boy!
went to a couple of parties
i think i might have run into a boy that i used to love when I was a freshman and sophomore in college. shit, he loved me too, a least a couple of nights. well anyway, dude was a lot paler and not as cute as i remember. hence, the i think i might have, instead of a oh, i ran into.
made some spec-fucking-tacular red velvet cupcakes for MonkeyBoy's 9th Birthday. It was at Dave & Busters and half the staff was lingering to see if they could get a left over.
got really fed up with Brownie's bullshit and came to the conclusion that some dudes just don't change and I am in no way shape or form interested in trying to change any damn body. I'm not one of those women who is going to tell you what I think you should or should not be doing. I expect to be dealing with a grown ass man who knows what the fuck is right and what the fuck is going to make me suspect that some shit just ain't right with you. And if I come to the said conclusion, that some shit just ain't right with you, I am not going to waste any more of my time.
told Brownie to have a nice life - wait that's on my to do list...
saw all kinds of short pant atrocities! I'm talking ass hanging out the bottom AND the top, thighs that should have been far from hungry devouring inseams like they were baby carrots in a room full of dieting women, all kinds of colored printed and patterned underwear underneath white of all things. I gotta say ladies, some of you are really trying to give short pants a baaaaad name.
saw one of the WORST TATTOOS EVER!! it was so bad and horrific that I dont even think I can describe it properly. I was on the beach, and there was a woman in a bikini with flames tattooed around her torso. But, my gawd, her torso. And I think the tattooist might have been on crack, or having a seizure, or a heart attack. Or that might just have been the impression that her cottage cheese gut and stretch marks gave his work...
bowled a 146! (in Wii bowling but I think it should count, that's my best score evah!)
I have not been online for more than downloading music/movies/porn (all legally of course! itunes is my false idol.) so I haven't been reading your blogs. sorry! I'm a flake like that. You should forgive me cause I'm cute. And did I mention I got a job? You should be proud of me. I promise to heaps loads and loads of (unwanted) attention on you immediately. kisses, bitches!
I missed you all terribly! even that sassy bitch I've been stalking...
decided to change the blog a little, nothing drastic. Just realized that a lot of my old content was focused on the OldJob. I will never say that I didn't enjoy being there at one point, but I am so grateful/thankful/blessed that things worked out the way they did. I wouldn't be where I am today without them and for that the OldJob will always hold a special place in my heart. Sadly, it also still leaves a bit of a sour taste in my mouth and I am determined to start fresh. So, no talk about my job. Not even a hint, except to say it's great and I love my new boss. Seriously, love. But not like that. Anyway, I started this blog with funny stories about taking the train, and my luck or lack there of in love. A snarky black woman takes on the world with a bit of humor, a hell of a lot of sass, and a shit load of curiosity.

*Please note that the above list is NOT in order of occurrence. Names have been changed to protect me from the dumbasses out there, what can I say they outnumber me. and HI SWAG!

Lucy & Ricky Retardo...

2008-06-05T16:17:00.003-04:00

... the title has nothing to do with the post, but thats what my play cuz and her man are known as.

Hello people! I'm taking a little break from blogging, on my grind! I will be back soon.

Kisses bitches,

Trouble

(& hi Swag!)

Grrrrrrrr, partie duex*

2008-05-21T19:22:00.002-04:00

*no I don't speak french, Mac Dashboard translated it for me (Non, je ne parle pas francais, Mac Dashboard traduit lui pour moi!)

So I went on the interview at the international corporation today. Nice office, super tight security as is found in most NYC office buildings these days. Let me start off by saying that when I was talking to the TempAgent, she kept saying to me how they had placed the woman that I would be meeting with sometime ago. And although she (the TempAgent) had only met with my interviewer two or three times, she could just tell that we were going to get along. I took this to mean that I was meeting with a black woman, and I was correct.

Can I just state for those non-black people out there that might not know, that just because two women share a racial designation and a similar occupation, does not mean that they are automatically get along. Case in point, my fucking interview today. Homegirl didn't like me from the minute she saw me in my Calvin Klein linen blend herringbone suit and Max Studio pumps. Actually I should list those in opposite order since when I turned around to meet her, she was working her way up from my bad ass round toe pumps. I'm sure some of you out there reading this are probably thinking I'm a conceited lil bitch whose just a tad full of herself, and honestly you'd be mostly right. I'm also secure enough with my own shit that if I see another woman with some nice sandals (the lady in the nail salon last week) or a great dress (that sister on the C train) I will give you a compliment. So I know when someone is looking at me like, "Ooooo those shoes are nice!" and when someone is looking at me like, "Look at this uppity bitch!" But I am a professional, professional what I don't know, so I smiled my brightest and friendliest and greeted her with nothing less than grace (with a tad of humility thrown in to make her feel better about herself.)

We get down to the interview and errrrrrrrrrrrrkkk! wait a minute, TempAgent told me I'd be supporting 9 executives but Interviewer is telling me it's actually about 12. And the position is for about 6 months instead of the 3 TempAgent implied. I already know that they DO NOT want someone who is going to be interviewing during lunch. So I guess asking for an hour off to go to an interview is out as well huh? Let me ask you this, what the hell am I supposed to do 7 months down the line if they decide not to hire me on full time? Do I explain on my next set of interviews that I took a job at half my normal pay when they ask me what I've been doing for the last six months? And if they do hire me, do you really expect me to believe that they are going to automatically double my salary upon hire when I've been more than happy to do the work for less for the last 6 months? Somehow I don't think so...

And why the hell can't this damn woman look me in the eye! Not a fucking good sign. Is there something hanging out of my nose? Is my eyeliner smeared across my face or some shit? I KNOW there's nothing between my teeth - I didn't eat anything, I was a little nervous. The fact that this woman is looking everywhere but in my eyes is distracting the fuck out of me and I'm not answering her questions with my usually savvy or panache. My wit is abandoning me and my nerves are starting to take over. I'm second guessing my decision to wear my suit. I mean after all Interviewer is wearing some slacks with an open knit sweater and tank underneath (next time she should opt for either a neutral shade or a matching one, cause the white tank under the navy blue sweater was what I would call corporate.) Then she's telling me that she wants me to meet with her supervisor and an older white woman enters the office. Interviewer exits and my next interview begins.

Complete opposite experience. She's looking me in the eye. She's smiling at my answers, shit, she's actually listening to my answers. I've gotten her to laugh. What's the difference? It surely isn't me. I'm acting the exact same way with the Supervisor that I was with the Interviewer. Maybe it's because Supervisor has only been there for 6 months herself so she's got no reason not to like me. Maybe it was all in my imagination....

Grrrrrrrrrr

2008-05-19T17:00:00.003-04:00

I reallllllly am starting to be very skeptical about employment agencies. The latest one that I've hooked up with is not giving me a confident feeling to put it mildly. It started off pretty well. I was especially excited because the Treat's Truck was close to their offices. If you're from NYC and like desserts, you really need to check out the Treat's Truck website and get a cookie or some shit. Lady is like my fucking hero! She's got a tricked out old fashion ice cream truck named Sugar, wears a kitschy lil uniform, and makes delicious treats. What's not to love? I once got a caramel creme sandwich cookie and gave it to a dude I used to work with. He looked at it all kinds of funny cause it wasn't fancy looking at all, in fact, they kind of look like sand paper. But then he took a bite, and that was all it took to get him hooked. Their motto is "Not too fancy, always delicious!" Anyway, enough about the Treat's Truck for now...

I was also excited about The Agency because it's a certified women owned enterprise, which I thought was cool. So I get there and the young receptionist asks me to fill out an application. I was in a snit about it at first, but the application actually asked alot of good questions - things that you couldn't find out by reading my resume. And she also gave me this sheet with tips for a good interview. For the most part I agreed with all of the tips, but one kind of bothered me. It said that you should always wear a suit to interviews. It went on to say that by a suit, they meant two pieces of the same color purchased together, clean and well fitting. Now first thing that bothered me about this was that I was sitting there in a black button down shirt, black pencil skirt, (black sheer pantyhose) and round toe black pumps. Second thing that bothered me about this was that in all of the interviews that I've been on so far, only the men that I interviewed with (3) had on suits, and one was extremely ill fitted, and one didn't even bother with his jacket. None of the women I met with had on anything even close to a suit.

The funny thing about it was that I had just bought two new suits and had them tailored so they fit properly. (Shopping note: If you buy anything from Syms, they have tailors in the dressing rooms and the fee is rather cheap for the work they do. Turn around was pretty quick too.) I would have been a little pissy if I walked in there in my new Calvin Klein herringbone suit only to find this maybe 21 year old receptionist in her motorcycle boots and short skirt. And there there was the other candidate in the reception area in his older brother's suit. At least thats what it looked like to me. But I didn't wear a suit and I still looked professional. And some days a working woman can't go wrong with a nice professional yet feminine dress.

Anyway back to The Agency. The interviews went well, and they didn't ask me to test. I mean really, who works somewhere for 7 years, with references provided, and doesn't know how to proficiently use Word and Excel? I think it's a little insulting when they ask me to test my skills. Especially when they tell me that I can't use all of the nifty shortcuts that someone who has used Word or Excel for over 10 years has picked up. And then when I left the interview and stopped by the Treat's Truck, she was sold out, but she gave me a free cookie! I seriously have a thing for that woman now.

A couple of days pass and I hear from the permanent placement counselor that I met with. She tells me about a job that sounds pretty interesting but just got listed, it going to be a while before she hears back from them. Next day, the temporary placement counselor that I met with calls me. She has a long term temp job working at a well known firm, replacing someone on maternity leave. She tells me that they tend to keep people that they like and it sounds like an interesting thing to do for a little while. (how long in general is maternity leave anyway?) Then she tells me the pay per hour and I say send my resume. I get off the phone and pull out the calculator and wait a second, it's like half my last salary. Seeing as I'm still getting paid from The Last Job for a little while longer, I technically could take a pay cut IF it was something amazing that I really wanted to do. But I'm tired of sitting at home so I figure I'll talk about it with the Temp Counselor when I hear back from her.

When I do, and bring up my concerns, chicky starts whining. "Well we really like for our candidates to tell us no before we send their resumes and you're putting me in a really uncomfortable situation!" she screeches at me. Hold on, I simply pointed out to her that the pay was a large step down from what I use to make and I asked her if it would end up hurting me in the long run. For instance, I said, if they decided to hire me full time, would they expect me to receive less that my last sizable annual salary because I have already done so? "Oh! Well, um, no! I mean they would in most cases look at what your last full time salary was. And if you're really worried about the decrease, I can up the pay by $2 an hour." She really never should have told me that. Because now I think I can get more money out of her. Not to mention, I know someone that does temporary placement and if I'm going to give someone my commission, I would much rather it be her. And because I've known her for so long, I know that she probably won't try to fuck me on the deal, at least with out some dinner and a good lube....

Strange ting gwan

2008-05-15T13:33:00.003-04:00

Hautechick is famous for telling me how she saw this guy and he would be just perfect for me! She never really knows the guys, usually she sees them in the street or on the train and I always end up saying to her, "It's not like you're going to run into dude when I'm with you." So her tactics have changed. Recently she's been coming to me with guys names. She and the Artist are renovating their house, so she called up some contractor tells him her name and the guys says, "Oh, you must be Omar's wife." Actually she's not but dude has the same last name as her hubbie. So she says to me, "That would be soooo cool if you married Omar and we had the same initials again!" How or where I'm supposed to meet this guy, I'll never know. Sheeet we don't even know what dude looks like.

A couple of weeks past and she says to me, "Hey remember Omar?" like we really knew dude or some shit. Well turns out she's was standing in line at the post office behind a guy who she thought was even more perfect for me than the possibly imaginary Omar. And she knew his government. Of course my snarky ass says, "Well thats nice that you know his name, but where the fuck do you suppose I'm going to meet him?!" Weird ass sister comes back with "Google him!" I'm starting to think that either my sister has stalker tendencies that I knew nothing about, or she really has no faith that I'll be able to find the man of my dreams.

So, skip forward a couple of days, I'm over at Hautechicks for a visit and decide I'm gonna make a pizza for dinner and want some fresh mushrooms. Hautechick and the Artist don't have anything to dinner so we all take a trip to Foodtown (one of the local stoopidmarkets). The line was ridiculous, so I'm standing on line with Hautechick while the Artist (who has the longest legs of the three of us) ran around getting the rest of the stuff that we needed. Hautechick's running her mouth and I'm only half listening when I spy with my little eye a gorgeous specimen of man candy. Tall, thin, gorgeous locks I would luv to play in, and I can't take my eyes off of him. I hear Hautechick gasp then she says, "Oh my Gawd, thats RN! I told you, you would like him!" It would have been perfect, if it hadn't been for the older woman that was sure not his momma that was with him....

Huge Pain in The Ass

2008-05-15T13:09:00.002-04:00

Seriously! I'm feeling kinda crappy, more on that latah, so I haven't been posting. Plus mother's day was a huge production - more on that latah also. But I just wanted to let you all know that I'm still alive but unemployed and frustrated! I also wanted to vent about this enormous pain in the ass that has been plaguing me. I've always carried my stress in my back - knots, spasms, etc - but this pain that I've got is driving me crazy! It's like a huge ass cramp! Like I'm clenching my right butt cheek and forgot how to unclench! I can't sit down and I keep wanting to rub my ass! Or like I've got a leg cramp that migrated north....

The Answers....

2008-05-07T19:11:00.003-04:00

True - I'm good as long as I don't see the needle
True - but in my defense, she never knew I did her man, she suspected but its not like she could ask me straight out. Well she could have but I think I already established her ass was weak anyway. Seriously, if thats your homegirl and I'm sleeping with her man, let me know on some real shit not on some "Ooooo let's jump her ass!" cause its not like I knew.
Hell Naw that shit is false
Truly
True! I love NYC cause you never know who you'll run into!
True - I really really really don't like eggs
True - for some strange reason (probably cause the fish know I can't eat them) I always catch a shit load of fish, but someone has to bait the hook and retrieve the fish for me - even touching them makes my throat itchy.
False - at least not to my knowledge, but I have been in the room when other people had sex - not by choice, they thought I was sleeping and I couldn't exactly get up and walk out of the room!
False - I have dated someone that was 15 years older than I was. The youngest person that I've dated was 8 years younger than me.
Sadly true - I wasn't aware of it when we first started seeing each other, he said they were separated, but not separated enough for my ass. They still lived in the same house with their two kids....
True, but I'm not telling and I doubt you guys could guess who it is....

I think Swag was the only one who got them all right. Don't know what the questions were? Go Here

Haven't Done One of These in Awhile

2008-05-06T18:52:00.002-04:00

I was on craigslist, looking for jobs when I came across this ad...

Sexy, Open minded, Latina, Middle Eastern or Black
Secretary
Sucessful businessman in search of a hot, open minded personal assistant
for a brand new home office your daily attire will be panties and socks, or
pantyhose, or panties and a tank top...etc. you must be a bit submissive, and
open minded. Latina, middle eastern or black preffered...white girls welcome to
apply. 18-40...hours are flexible...pay is high. send pic and phone number for
details and to set up your personal interview. pretty feet, nice round tits and
a tight ass are definite pluses!
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with
services or other commercial interests
Compensation: 1500 per week
PostingID: 670403933

That's like $78,000 a year if anybody's interested....

Check It...

2008-05-06T13:14:00.003-04:00

maybe some of you have noticed that when you click on my profile, it shows that I have more than one blog. welll, I finally decided to post some of my creative writing on Trouble Ink. I haven't written in awhile, and as most of you know I have a serious problem with commitments of any kind, so alot of the poetry and short stories that you will find on Trouble Ink will be incomplete or works in progress. There is only one rule for the new blog - Feel free to criticize or compliment, but if you copy - I'm coming after your ass!

True or False

2008-05-06T01:54:00.003-04:00

Blog reader participation time! below find some statements about yours truly. its up to you to determine whether they are true or false....

even though I absolutely hate needles, I've been inked twice and plan on getting another tattoo.
once when I was away at college, I was seeing this guy, not too seriously. I showed up at a small get together with two other guys -friends, and found a whole bunch of my guy's friends including one chick that I thought I was cool with. I wanted to make sure that they all knew I was just cool with dudes, not banging, so I approached her and explained, thinking I was coolest with her. She not only tells dude I showed up drunk with two guys (Everybody was drunk!) but she also tells his other chick (the one that thought they were serious) and tried to set me up to get jumped. Unfortunately for them, suburban chicks ain't got shit on Bed Stuy when it comes to a good old beat down. Saw that shit coming a mile a way. I was feeling a might vengeful after that so (and here's the true or false part) I slept with chick-who-ratted-me-out's man as payback for her running her mouth and starting the whole mess.
I've been eaten out by another woman
I can play the trumpet and own an electric guitar and amplifier
The other week, I was in Katz's Delicatessen (best fucking pastrami in the whole fucking city! also the place where Meg Ryan faked an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally) late night and I turn around after ordering my $16 sandwich (you can make two out of it and it is soooooo fucking worth it) and (here's the true or false part) there was Danny fucking DeVito!
I haven't eaten an egg - scrambled, fried, poached, over easy, deviled or otherwise - since I was 7 years old
even though I'm allergic to fish, I'm often found fishing and I once got a fish hook embedded in my middle finger
I've had sex while other people watched
I've dated someone who was 23 years older than I was
I've dated a married man
I have a blog crush

Make your guesses, and I'll provide the answers on Wednesday...

Back to Black

2008-05-06T01:26:00.002-04:00

or Brownie as the case may be.

It was around this time last year that he first got back in touch with me. It had been about a year and a half since we had spoken that time. And I was single, and had fired enough brain cells to forget why I had stopped seeing him in the first place, so we hooked back up. I said to myself (and a couple of you said it too I believe) that there would be no harm in spending some time with him. And there really wasn't. But there really wasn't any gain either...

Honestly, I'm probably the last chick that you have to worry about pressuring a dude for a commitment. So it wasn't that I was expecting a ring or anything even close to that. Shit, I wasn't even looking for a toothbrush in his bathroom. All the fuck I wanted is to feel like I wasn't wasting my time.

What do I mean by wasting my time? Hmm, let's see. If you invite me out to eat and spend the night at your house, and I'm wearing the hell out of a gorgeous white sundress and some sexy ass platform sandals and you're wearing basketball shorts, socks and sandals, I think you're wasting my time. If you call and tell me about this comedy show that your going to this weekend and was wondering if you could stop by on your way home from the show, I think you're wasting my time. (Really dude, why even tell me about the show? If it's just about ass, why not just wait til you're on your way to the show and then call and see what I'm doing later?) If I have to take a two fucking trains (LIRR no less) and spend an hour and 20 minutes just to get out to your house and you tell me that your not going to be able to drive me home (last time he saw my ass by the way) then I think you're wasting my time.

So, why was I chilling with Hautechick and the Artist when my phones starts trilling, "we always said goodbye with words, I died a hundred times, you go back to her and I go back to..."

Appropriate, no? Wellll, would be if I'd actually said goodbye. I really just stopped returning his phone calls or answering them if I was by the phone. I just can't understand why he would call me again. Ok, so I do have a little inkling as to what might have made him take the chance, but the sex wasn't that good. At least not on my end. You know, I really really really really miss having my mind blown. I keep saying that I'll abstain for awhile, absence and fondness and all that jazz. But all that ends up happening is that I have all of this unused sexual heat and longing that build and build and build until I can't take it any more and I do someone (usually stoopid) and I end up unleashing all of that on them, which to be honest they usually can't handle, but then their smitten or lusty or whatever the fuck you want to call it and then I can't get rid of their asses. Or its halfway decent but my aggressiveness scares them off. Punk asses.

But, that's besides the point. The point is Brownie called me again, after about a year. And while I'm not horny, ok so I'm not that horny. Actually forget I said that part at all. Anyway, I have a lot of free time on my hands, and he has a pool. And the weathers nice. And fuck a dress - sweats and a bikini ya feel me. But I'll be damned if I drag my ass both ways on the LI fucking RR again....

A Peek at My Playlist...

2008-05-01T17:12:00.002-04:00

some of the stuff that I'm currently listening to...

I Will Not Apologize - The Roots ft. Porn & Dice Raw, Rising Down (am I the only one that hears Talib on the chorus? for all of my people who understand and truly recognize, some won't get it and for that I won't apologize...)

Lost Desire - The Roots ft. Malik B., & Talib Kweli , Rising Down (BUY THIS ALBUM!!!! I'm exhausted but I'll never ever forfeit, yall just bullshit while I knock a nigger off quick - We on some casualties of war shit, what you stand for kid? We in the city where they definitely lost it-and that ultra smooth outro)

I Like - Guy (The things you do to meeeeeee, it brings out exctaaaaaaassseee, fucking classic)

The Show - The Roots ft. Common & Dice Raw, Rising Down (did I say BUY THIS ALBUM? I can't stop, I won't stop, I will not, I will rock...)

Touch My Body - Mariah Carey, E=MC2 (cause I'm really wanting someone to touch my body who knows what the fuck their doing, cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous, I will hunt you down!)

Press Play - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (soooo fucking smooth)

Let It Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (you should buy this album too, but then again I'm partial to Snoop)

Take Your Time (Do It Right) - The S.O.S. Band (do I really need a fucking reason for this one?)

SD Is Out - Snoop Dogg, Ego Trippin (I don't know if I would have named the song that but it gets me hyped)

Just A Touch of Love - Slave (a little bit, 6 minute and 31 seconds of funk and I love when they say a little bit, a little bit)

The Way That I Love You - Ashanti (I repeat, I AM NOT A FAN OF ASHANTI, but I really like this song...)

Sexy Can I - Ray J ft. Yung Berg (I really have no excuse for this one...)

Going On - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I always end up dancing around when this shit comes on)

All Night Long - Mary Jane Girls (hey boy, would you meet me on the roof tonight, I got a surprise for you...)

Soldier - Erykah Badu, New Amerykah (I really haven't gotten too much into this album but I'm digging this track)

A Little Bit Better - Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple (I don't this this album is as good as their last, but its not bad either...)

White Lines - Grandmaster Flash, Melle Mel & The Furious Five (no explanation needed)

Teen Spirit - Nirvana (this is probably one of the most played songs in my ipod, blame private school though I don't think I pick this up from Bubba. Alvin Ailey ADT actually sampled this song for one of their pieces.)

High Hopes - Frank Sinatra (what?!? it's Sinatra!)

My Moon My Man - Feist, The Reminder (blame Verizon, they had this song all up in one of their commercials and it got stuck in my head, I actually like Feist...)

Naima - John Coltrane (I've always loved this song...)

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk, Discovery (I always embarrass the shit out of Cousin T when we go out and some Daft Punk comes on...)

Lovefool - The Cardigans (Saaaay that you love me!!!)

A Night In Tunisia - Art Blakey, A Night in Tunisia ( I was raised on jazz but I specifically love horns - trumpets, saxophones, coronets, tubas, trombones...)

Trouble says Stand The Fuck Up!

2008-05-01T16:26:00.004-04:00

I'm sure you all know about the acquittal of the cops that shot Sean Bell. If you don't, take your fucking head out of your ass and read a couple of fucking newspapers you asshat! Seriously, more than one. Pick up a Newsweek from time to time. Anyway, on Monday people were asked to wear black in Sean Bell's honor. I've said this once and I'll say it again, I don't see how wearing black shows any kind of support. Especially in a city like New York where people routinely wear black all the time anyway. It gets really hard to tell whose showing support and who just didn't feel like matching colors that morning. I can steadily rely on the fact that my sister wears black on most Monday's and at least 2 other days out of the week. That is if she's not sporting all black all week long. But that's not the point, the point is what I WILL be doing to protest the death of a young black man in a hail of 50 NYPD bullets.

On Saturday May 3 I will not be spending any money. No quick trips to the corner bodega, no half priced or better bargains, no ebay, no gas, no IronMan, no ATM trips, not a bloody dime damn it. I received a text message about the economic embargo on NYC and was asked to pass it along to all people of color in NYC. But I think I can do a little better than that. I'm asking that all my blog folk pass along the message to all their blog folk to not spend a dime on Saturday. It's a little bit of inconvenience that will have alot of impact. Shit, things are so expensive nowadays, you'd probably be doing yourself a favor. And if you are a business owner and you can do it, keep your doors closed on Saturday.

Honestly, I don't think that most people will do it. But I'm putting it out there and hoping that you all will prove me wrong...

Love and Hate

2008-04-30T19:43:00.004-04:00

I love watching my god daughter grow up, remembering the first time I saw her, the day after she was born, causing a fuss in the incubator room
I hate the fact that she failed her fucking social studies test. Come on kid, it's Social fucking Studies! I know she can read so what the fuck?!?
I love that my mom still remembers things that I used to love as a kid and will bring them home to surprise me
I hate the fact that most of the time, the things she remembers are things that I made myself sick on and no longer eat
I love my incredibly silly and equally talented brother in law - I swear Hautechick, if you two break up, I'm going with his ass
I hate the pressure of having to bring home and equally wonderful man of my own
I love that I have "met" so many wonderful people through my blog - PrettyBlack, LadyShay, Daners, Afro, Anners, Jennifer, The Swagalicious One (Damn! Man puts up a pic of hisself and single female bloggers start to flocking huh? Must be that swagger man) and everyone else
I hate that some of you are so fucking far away. Damn, bitches could really cause some fucking trouble (*tee fucking hee!) if we were within driving distance!
I love that Shay can smell lavender in FL and I'm smelling gardenia's in NY
I hate that bitches are getting some and I'm not! Ok, so not really but I was going with the theme here.
I love that a bad bitch like me can sleep til 11:30 AND STILL buy a fucking Coach bag when ever the fuck she wants it! (wanna be a bad bitch? ask me how - I should get that shit made into a t-shirt)
I hate that I wasn't taking better care of myself while I was working. There was no got damn reason for me to be that skinny and that stressed out. For real
I love that I can feel insecure as fuck some days but I still act like my shit smells like roses
I hate that I feel insecure at all
I love that I can cry at the drop of a dime.
I hate that dumb chits think that cause there might be tears in my eyes, I won't hit them
I love how soft the underside of Duke's snout is
I hate that my Pooper is getting old
I love my paradoxes - girly tomboy, conservatively liberal, casually glamorous, well mannered potty mouth, sweetheart bitch of an underachieving success.
I hate that I haven't found my match yet
I love that I haven't settled for less than the right man
I hate that I've never fallen in love yet

Cupcakes and Babies All Night Long!*

2008-04-29T19:30:00.003-04:00

*Lady Shay said that to me. She and PrettyBlack say the damndest things! I'm still waiting for the right time to use the red velvet line...

I thought of a time when straight men say cock instead of dick - cockblocking
PB, not to get into your Tupac vs. Notorious BIG debate, but I just realized that part of the reason why I love Biggie is cause of the way he could tell a story in a rhyme. I admire the same skill in Slick Rick and Nas
Personally, I think the greatest rapper alive is Snoop Dogg. longevity, adaptability, success, and a sick flow
I did not buy the last two Jay-Z albums, in fact I dont even have bootleg copies
I am not a fan of Ashanti, I repeat - I am not a fan of Ashanti BUT I can't get enough of that single she's got out now, The Way That I Love You
I love my dentist - seriously. I recommend him to anyone that I can. I'm pretty sure that I've told you all this before but I'm not sure that I told you that Mommy has started seeing my dentist as well. The first time that I went in after she had been there, the whole office gushed about what a nice lady my mom was. Then I go in to see Dr. R and he's like, "You and your mom have the exact same jaw structure. It's amazing!" The strangest things excite people
and speaking of teeth, Gutz (Cousin T & SuperSlags play sister) brought her man to MonkeyGirl's recital. He's aight I guess but dude laughed at something and I got to see all inside his mouth. It was scary to say the least. I'm not a fan of people who show you their tonsels when they laugh but did I really need to know that he has a wicked cavity on the inside of one of his front teeth?!? I think the fuck not
I think I forgot to mention that one of my interviews was with a super hottie. I know that they say that imagining your audience naked is a good way to overcome fear of speaking in public. Well it did help me to relax but all sort of dirty wicked naughty hot thoughts were running through my head. Good thing I'm one hell of a multi tasker. About 6'2", nice broad shoulders, thin waist, and dressed. I swear I heard a "ding!" when he flashed the pearly whites. Something about pretty brown skin and nice white teeth. I'm guessing he was Indian or Bangladeshi. Whatever the fuck he was, it sure made a pretty pretty picture.
I think I mentioned that I went to a house party with Cousin T. I'm never really quite sure what to make of house parties. I was pretty sure that this one was gonna turn into one of those ones where there are friends, family, food, drinks, and a card game or two. The fact that the host mother was there was an indicator. But she didn't stay long and then the pigeons arrived. Now when I say pigeon, I'm talking about the chicks that you can find in any city coast to coast. There about as common in NYC as pigeons. Sometimes the come in different colors, some may have a slightly different thing going on for them, they might even be domesticated, but they're still just flying rats. Dirty, common, rude, loud, obnoxious, occasionally useful, sometimes diseased and every fucking where.
speaking of house party pigeons, I was wearing my Skinny Bitch t-shirt. The writing on the shirt looks like twigs so I paired it with some skinny Seven jeans (For All Mankind) and some Minnetonka pocahantas boots (tall flat lace up suede boots with a suede fringe at the top.) This chick comes up to me all drunk, talkinbout "I know right! They all call me skinny bitch at my job, and I'm like FuckYeahIAm! Right?!? Them bitches are just jealous they can't look like us!" Uh, ewwwwww! First of all, not to be all T-Rexy and shit but fuck it, she wasn't really all that skinny. Second of all, I think I already said ewwww! The shirt said Skinny Bitch, not Sloppy Drunk Bitch.
and since I'm already talking about the party, PYT was there (damn, it took me a minute to remember what I've been calling the damn boy since I haven't been calling the damn boy) and I acted very immaturely. I ignored his ass all night, that is I tried to. His boy, who I'm cool with tried to give me shit about it. PYT was cool for a minute, but thats all he lasted, a minute. Ok, so maybe it was more like 7...

Dancin for Dollars

2008-04-29T18:05:00.002-04:00

I've been kinda worried lately. Not that I wouldn't find a job, but that my not having a job might make Mommy feel like she has to pick up more of the slack. I've been sending out resumes, but alot of employers ask what my yearly salary was with XBossMan and then I wouldn't hear from them again. I met with a couple of placement agency but they were not panning out. It seems to me that they lure you in with promises of $80,000 plus bonus jobs that never materialize. Meanwhile they're trying to convince you to interview for jobs that pay a little more than half of that and to lie and say that your last salary was less than it was. Wouldn't want to discourage the cheapskates now would we?

Then there were the fucking test. Do you really believe that I've spent the last 7 years working as a personal/executive assistant and I don't know how to use Word or Excel? It's fucking insulting. What's even more insulting is that the fucker didn't tell me that you can't use shortcuts during the test, in fact they take off points for using shortcuts, so I got a 90 on a test that I should have gotten 100 on. Oh, and how about the asshat counselor that wanted me to contact the companies that I worked for 8 and 9 years ago and ask them to confirm the exact dates of my employment. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

So I was trying to avoid any employment agency listings. But one intrigued me. And I was half way sold when she got back to me and told me that there was no need for me to do any skill testing. But she had just had a baby and was not working out of the office, would I be willing to meet with her assistant? Sure, I've always been intrigued by women with male assistants. The meeting went well, very well. But I still kept applying to jobs, cause Mommy didn't raise an idiot.

In my online travels, I came across a couple of jobs that really interested me. Two weeks ago, one was practically screaming my name. I mean sooooo right up my ally with some perks that I could reallllllly enjoy. So I submit my resume, I think it was a Saturday evening or Sunday morning. I get up early on Monday to head to Tangers with Cousin T (see post below) and Mommy sticks her head out of her apartment sees me and says, "Oh, I thought you were going on an interview."

About 3 hours after that, I'm standing in the middle of the Nike Factory Store and my cell rings, its the HR department for that amazing job that I applied for. Would I be able to come in on Thursday for an interview? 3 hours after that, my new placement agent calls my cell and ask if I would be interested in a phone interview for a job at a sturdy company. I say its a sturdy company because there would definitely be job security and a good salary. The thing is, I'm not really interested in the industry and I would be the second assistant, answering to the first assistant. I really dont have a problem answering to someone else, but I do have a problem with most women. I'm not gonna prevaricate, I usually don't like them and they usually don't like me. I have never been hired by a woman. Wait thats a lie, when I was 14 I was hired by a woman. But job security! So I said yes to the phone interview.

I wasn't sure how it went, its kinda hard to gauge reactions when you can't see someones face, but I didn't think I tanked it. But I must be very hard on myself, cause my agent called me a short time later to say that the the HR lady loved me and wanted to know if I could come in the next day to meet in person. So that's how I ended up with two interviews last Thursday, which was also the day it was 87 degrees here in NYC. And then yesterday I got called in for a second interview at the job that I found on my own. So things are looking up, but forgive me if I disappear. Hopefully it means I'm dancin for dollars!

Tangers Outlet

2008-04-29T17:41:00.002-04:00

So two weeks ago was gorgeous weather and last week was Spring Break for NYC Public Schools. Which meant that Cousin T was off of work. YAY! That meant from the following Friday til this past Saturday, we were hanging out. We went to a house part two Friday's ago where we got politely drunk and then not so politely made fun of people. I got to wear my brand new Skinny Bitch t-shirt. I love that shirt. And I think I might have said something about wanting to go to Tangers Outlets in Riverhead NY. There are Tangers all over the country and the one in Riverhead is probably my favorite outlet center in the tri state area. So Sunday night T calls me and asks if I want to head out there with her and her Mom on Monday morning. Two words - HELL YEAH!

Ok, so you might be thinking, Bitch don't have a job, what the hell is she doing shopping? But to be honest, I really didn't spend that much. Ok so I really shouldn't have gone into the Coach outlet store. And maybe I didn't really need those navy blue UGGS. But they were both sooooo cheap that I couldn't leave them and in the past week I managed to wear both of them twice. The UGGS are the superlow booties and they have been perfect for this reverse spring weather we're having here in NYC. Really two weeks ago, in the 70s and 80s. Last week was in the 70s for most of the week then it hit 87 on Thursday. This week, rainy and in the 60s if were lucky. And the Coach bag - do I really need to explain about how I feel about Coach?! (and it was originally over 300 and I got it for about 150.) I spent about $12 in Old Navy Outlet ( two tank tops, and a v neck sweater - one of the tanks says Drink Until He's Cute) $26 in the Puma Store (a cute pair of brown and pink linen Roma's) about $20 on outfits for NewBabyGirl (I swear I got about 5 outfits!) and about $15 in the William Sonoma outlet on mixing bowls and a spoonula (like a spatula but you can scoop things!) I found out that both Cousin T and her Mom are obsessed with kitchen gadgets - which is cool cause I am too.

My favorite things by far, were the things that I didn't pay for. First, was the time I spent with Cousin T and her Mom. Despite the fact that she's been married to my cousin for most of my life, and has lived around the corner from me for about 4 years, I really haven't spent that much time with Cousin T's Mom. We had a great time! And because I gave Cousin T free cupcakes, she bought me a cupcake carrier from Tupperware. And its turquoise, which is one of my favorite colors! I love it! It inspired me so much that I made chocolate cupcakes with fresh amaretto whipped cream and strawberries. I actually made a mini bundt cake for Cousin T. Since Hautechick thought my lemon cupcakes were dry, she only got a mini cupcake (which is like one bite) while the Artist got a a jumbo cupcake with cannoli cream (I was experimenting with Ricotta cheese)

Dance MonkeyGirl Dance!

2008-04-29T17:28:00.002-04:00

I think I owe you guys about two weeks worth of stories. The week before last, the weather was so nice that I spent as much time as possible outside. I spent alot of time being Mommy's garden bitch. But I also went to the Spring recitals at MonkeyGirls school. She goes to a school that has programs for both the performing and graphic arts and I think thats great. I also think that its great that they do not let the children preform if their grades are not up to par. What I don't think is cool is that there were soooo many children in the audience last time I was there (poor grades.) What I don't like is that they teach them how to preform, but they don't teach them anything about public speaking. You get these amazing dancers and singers who had the opportunity to preform at DisneyWorld , graceful as shit til its time for them to tell you about their trip. Um, ah, em, ummm. That shit was working my last nerve.

What I also don't like is that had the performance been last week, instead of the week before, MonkeyGirl would have not been able to perform. Little chit failed her Social Studies test. I had brought her a new swimsuit but shes not getting shit til she gets her act together.

Also that week was Spring Break for public school kids in Connecticut so Cousin T's lil Cuz C (LCC) was in town. She's the same age as Monkeygirl and has to be my second favorite 13 year old girl. She's got 3 brothers, one older and two younger, and I've always loved her for her girly tomboy ways. Now that she's thirteen, she's also gorgeous, not that she wasn't beautiful before but its become very apparent that her and MonkeyGirl aren't lil girls anymore. Makes me feel old as shit and hella protective.

So you can imagine my reaction when some lil shits were sitting behind LCC at the performance and were clearly talking shit. LCC being 13, decided to sit behind us, rather than with us. She was steadily ignoring that shit, like a junior Bad Bitch, but I was about to jump outta my skin at those lil hating asses. Cousin T must have read my mind cause she got up and went and sat with LCC with a well heard, "Let me go sit with LCC before I have to knock out someone's child."

Dear Plasma de fuckwit,

2008-04-22T16:38:00.003-04:00

likeable my ass! you obviously didn't read shit. I'm a little cocky mouthy broad with a shit load of opinions if you really care to know. I don't give a fuck about being likeable. Add that shit to your blogroll and smoke it

Hugs and kisses,

Trouble

How I think

2008-04-22T15:37:00.003-04:00

PrettyBlack did a post about Things She's Learnt So Far, and it inspired me. Here's some shit I think

Compliments are beautiful things. Everyone loves to be complimented and sometimes a sincere compliment can go a long way. And there ain't shit wrong with giving yourself a compliment or agree with a compliment that someone has given you.
You can be cocky and gracious. When your agreeing to that compliment, make sure you say thank you cause there is no bitch bad enough to be rude all the damn time.
Respect your elders, but don't take no shit from them either. I have this one Aunt that will take the last dollar out your pocket if you let her. It's not that she needs it, by any means. It's just that she CAN and WILL do it if you let her. For some reason she's gotten it into her head that it's her right as an elder. She even did it to me when I was a kid. Actually she did it to all of the cousins when we were kids. I'll never forget the time she beat me with a slipper because I called her on it when I was 10...
Some dude LOVE a psycho chick. They don't want a broad who acts normal. If you don't call them 18 times a day, they think you don't really care about them. If your not willing to give up everything and everyone for them, they don't think your committed. If you don't scream and yell at them for some dumb insignificant shit that they did (probably to try and get you to act like a psycho), then you couldn't possibly care about them as much as TheNextChick.
Conversely, some chicks LOVE a psycho dude. If he's not insanely jealous, then he must not care. If he's not cursing you out or putting his hands on you, then how are you supposed to know that he wants to be with you? If he's not shady as hell and suspect as fuck, then you don't want shit to do with him. And heaven forbid he have a job instead of a hustle!
There is nothing wrong with loving animals and eating meat. NOTHING! I love Duke, but if you think I'm gonna stop eating red meat or wearing leather, your fucking cracked. Humans have been living with and eating and wearing animals since the fucking dawn of time. The problem is in the wastefulness not the consumption. The Artist's Dad hunts, but he uses just about every part of the deers that he kills. Ever had deer jerky? Antler buttons anyone? He made the Artist the baddest deerskin jacket. It's very rustic goes metro
I FULLY believe in the right to bear arms. I understand that guns aren't for everyone, but if shit goes down...
Learning computer programming is cool and shit, but I think that more minorities need to learn skilled trades. I'm talking carpentry, masonry, and other unionized construction trades. And lest not forget about other hands on skills like culinary arts, gemology, pattern making/garment production and others.
I want to be cremated. Some of you might think it's morbid for a 30 year old to think about things like what they want done with their remains, but tomorrow is not promised. And the idea of burying my body just does not appeal to me. AT ALL. I've discussed this and my other wishes with Mommy and I know what she would like me to do for her.
If you are old enough to get your nails done regularly (I'm talking to all you teenage girls with tips or eyelash extensions or whatever have you) then you are old enough to maintain yourself ALL around. I can not STAND to see these young chicks out here sporting blinged out nail tips with earwax dripping out of their ears. Or young dudes with $200 sneakers on and a fresh fade with same dirty ears and even worse, they apparently have never thought to take a washcloth to the back of their necks. Come on people, how are you teaching these kids how to half take care of themselves?! I mean I remember being a teenager and just knowing that some wackadocious outfit I was wearing was the shit. I was headstrong and didn't listen to shit anyone tried to tell me about style. I might have looked crazy as hell on several different occasions, but I was always clean. Couldn't anyone say that I smelled or was dirty. The same can't be said for a disappointingly large number of youth that I have come across as of late.
And speaking of children, I will hit someones child if they step bad to me or mine. Dead ass. If some little 13 year old girls jumped my god daughter and I was there to witness, please believe that I will be throwing said little as far as I can. And should said little girls think to swing on me, I will be swinging back with 25 years of fighting dirty behind me. Parents please raise your children with manners and self confidence and the thought that your children might run into me someday. I'm not gonna try and kill them, but I will put them in their place if they think to jump bad. (there is a recent real story behind this - don't worry I'll spill and I didn't have to hit anyone's child.)
Karma is a man stealing, dog killing, best friend turning, food spitting, car scratching, std riddled, yeasty pantied, $2 whore. beware that bitch

The Where I Was...

2008-04-22T15:10:00.004-04:00

So last week was ab-so-lute-ly gorgeous in NYC. I'm talking perfect late spring type weather. (If you're not from NYC, than that means upper 70s and sunny, slightly cool at night.) So I spent alot of time out of doors. I spent about two days giving Duke a shape up. Of course, a week later and he looks like he could use another trim. Then I spent an afternoon with Mommy at our local Lowe's Home Improvement. I found a exotic houseplant whose common name is Lipstick Rasta so of course I had to get it. Not to mention that its tendrils look like my hair when I put it in curls. I paid for Mommy's lil Lowe's adventure and she thanked me for her Mother's Day gift.

For the past couple of years, I haven't remembered when Mother's Day is. So instead of missing it and being a jerk, I always try and buy Mommy something in early April just to be safe. As it turns out, thats also the time that Mommy starts to plan out her garden for the summer, so I usually end up getting her plants or garden related items. Now when ever I buy her any thing of that sort during the month of April, she adds it to the Mother's Day gift list. She kind of gets over.

So then the next day we spent in the garden together, planting all the shit she got. I'm not allowed to plant things with out her permission and can only plant things in the places that she designates. She's a really strict gardener and shamelessly uses me for cheap labor. On the up side, my ass and thighs are gonna be right for the summer. All that damned bending, squatting, and lifting is doing a body good!

The whole time, Duke is laying in the grass doing his best impression of an urban lion. I wish I could say that old age has mellowed him, but every time someone too rowdy got too close to the gate, he would take off like a bat out of hell and scare the crap out of them. He finally seems to have tuckered himself out, and here comes this little boy from up the block. I'm hidden behind one of Mommy's ginormous evergreen bushes, and I hear him say to Mommy, "Excuse me miss, where's your dog?" Mommy points to Duke, splayed out in the grass, and right on cue, he yawns huge at the kid and rolls his eyes. I love that dog!

And of course after all that time outside, my hair was dirty. Didn't smell of anything, but I had been sweating and I can't stand nasty dreads. Since I was at it I put the curls back in. That shit took forevah, but they look amazing, if I must say so myself. Then I made lemon cupcakes with raspberry buttercream icing. I have to admit that I ate most of them myself, but I did give two to Cousin T, Mommy ate probably one less than I did, and I gave one to Hautechick and one to the Artist. Everyone loved them, except for Hautechick, the asshole. I'm on the phone talking to her about the Tupperware that Cousin T brought me (its a cupcake carrier!) and she says, "Why would Cousin T buy something for you? Oh and I meant to tell you your cupcakes were dry." I said, "What?!" to give the insensitive chit a chance to rephrase and she says, "your cupcakes were dry" I hung up on her ass and she has the nerve to call me back and then leave a message repeating that she thought my cupcakes were dry, "since you didn't let me finish."

Dogs are barking

2008-04-12T13:12:00.003-04:00

Hello WorldWideWeb, it's me Trouble!
so I think I mentioned that Superslag wanted me to bake some Red Velvet Cupcakes for her birthday. I quoted her a price, a cheap price I might add- I gave her a discount on my labor as a gift, and she started hemming and hawing just a little bit but said that she wanted the cupcakes. Then I don't hear from her for about 4 days and she sends me a text message last Friday, talkinbout -If you made the cupcakes, I'll pay you for them when I can but if you didn't make them yet, can we cut down the number you make? She originally wanted 2 orders, so I said fine, just let me know when you want them and I'll tell you when I need the money by. I know her well enough that there was no way in hell I was going to bake the cupcakes without having the money in hand. So it's Wednesday and I get a call from Teeth (formerly CoHo - Cousin T's other sister - if you need a reminder, she used to have no teeth in her mouth and now she's got these big blindingly white joints and I'm not sure she can close her mouth fully) and she says that she's gonna pay for the cupcakes. She stops by my house the next day to drop off the money and she says some shit about how SuperSlag was complaining that she wasn't going to have any cake or cupcakes for her birthday so thats when Teeth decided to call me. Saywhatnow! That's why I waited, cause she would have had me make the shits and never said a word that she didn't have the money for them. Teeth tried to throw some shade my way insinuating that I wouldn't be able to make the cupcakes as promised, "Are you SURE you're going to be able to make them?" I came back with the deadpan, "Why wouldn't I be able to make them?" and that shut her up. But that brings me to the next bullet in the post...
So I get up on Friday, and head to the StupidMarket to get ingredients. This is the second time I'm making them, so I'm pretty confident in my skills and figure I can experiment a little more this time. I also figure it should be no problem doubling the recipe. I get home, setting up to start and here comes Mommy. "So, are you going to do one batch and then set up for the second?" "No, I was just going to double the recipe and do it all in one shot." "Oh, well if you THAT confident." Suddenly I'm not! I swear, mothers are put on this Earth in part to teach us humility. I was a little shook, but I continued on with the game plan. 15 minutes later, I had a gorgeous batter and was ready to start cupping. 25 minutes later and I had about half the cupcakes I needed ready to go in to the oven. 25 minutes after that I had the whole order ready and put them in to bake, but I still had a nice amount of batter left. So I started filling cups and ended up with a nice little snack for the weekend. After I took all the cupcakes out of the oven I let them cool and ate lunch with Mommy, who stole the first cupcake bite (I found these little mini cupcake cups, which are perfect when you have just a lil batter left.) After lunch I used my pastry bag to ice them bitches. They were ready to go at 5. If I could increase my speed cupping, it wouldn't be so bad.
now, its like 7, Duke and I are out in the backyard, enjoying the gorgeous spring day and my phone starts singing Chocolate Rain. It's Teeth, she wants to know where I am. At home why? Oh, you didn't finish the cupcakes? They've been ready since 5, why? Oh, cause I'm at SuperSlags and I was wondering where you were. ERRRRRRRRRK! wait a minute, this bitch told me yesterday that she would stop by my house and help me bring the cupcakes to SuperSlags. Now, I'm stuck getting damn near 40 cupcakes over to her house. Granted it's only 4 blocks away, but still. So I tell her I have to take a shower and I'll be there when I can. Thank God for Mommy! Out of the blue, she comes up with this huge plastic platter that will fit all the cupcakes. She actually got it out of the garage, she was using it for plants. But she washed it for me and I covered it with tin foil and strolled my ass on down the hill.
If I was ever serious about selling my cupcakes, all I would have to do is walk around on a nice day with a huge tinfoil covered platter. It was dark out when I went and I still had about 4 people ask me what was on the platter on my way to SuperSlags. And I think only one of them was hitting on me.
Cousin T was actually going to come get me when she heard that Teeth left me in the lurch, but I told her not to worry about it. I hate that she always has to pick up the slack for her sisters so I try not to burden her with the shit the fuck up with. It helps that I limit my interaction with her sisters. Plus she had some conditioner in her hair and would have had to come out with a plastic cap on.
I get there and everybody is floored by the big platter. A couple of people also spoke up that I had to walk over there with the platter on my own. Baba (my cousin, Superslag, Teeth, and Cousin T's dad) is all about the cupcakes. "Everybody eat so we can have cupcakes!" And I'm starting to feel nervous cause there are alot more people then there were when MonkeyGirl had her birthday party, and alot of them are very opinionated - to say the least. And then we're singing and everybody gets a cupcake and it gets kinda quiet then Baba says "I think these are better than last time!" And I can relax and finally taste one and damn! if I didn't do the damn thing all over again!
sooooo, remember WackThug, SuperSlag's baby daddy? wait, thats an understatement, he's the dude that she accused me of sleeping with (her cousin and close friend despite all her bullshit) threatened me over then went on to have a baby by. well she kicked him out. Seems her playsister and company caught him out with the next chick and SuperSlag said enough, at least for now. She kinda made sure that I knew he was gone but I can't say that I'm surprised or that it changes anything between us. Your chicks before dick, especially when your family. As if I would ever want to sleep with someone who was sleeping with her. In my mind that says something about a dude when he chooses a woman like that, and it ain't something good. Sure, she's my family, thats why I could overlook alot of her bullshit, but it doesn't mean I was blind to it. Fuck, I got the closest look at it sometimes...
and I got the fuck out of there as soon as I could, said I had to go feed Duke, which was true. SuperSlag asked me if I was coming back after I fed it and I said, "Probably not" and was out with Cousin T and my old buddy Butter (we used to be cool but all I'll say is you can't travel with everybody - that was years ago though)
my fucking feet are killing me! I gotta invest in one of those kitchen floor mats that take the strain off of your feet

April Showers

2008-04-07T19:32:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday was the first Brooklyn Flea Market. Going to the flea market with my Mom and Hautey as a kid rates high as one of my favorite things to do as a child. I even remember going with my Dad and buying pickles from the pickle man. Dude would be out there (we mostly went to the one at Aquaduct Racetrack, but there were a few others) with like 12 huge barrels filled with different types of pickles. Daddy used to let me choose my own, but he always let me taste his. Then there was the sausage and peppers truck, and the zeppole man. Oh, and the lady with the cheesecakes. And the italian ices and candied apples. And occasionally I could talk someone into letting me get cotton candy. Needless to say, food played a major part in my flea market experiences and thusly (ha! I said thusly!) I really liked going.

So maybe two weeks ago, Mommy's reading the paper and she comes across an article about the new Flea Market thats coming to Brooklyn to be held on the track field at Bishop Laughlin Memorial High School. Mommy told me that all of the spaces for the first flea market had already been filled with some pretty fancy vendors including that truck that makes belgian waffles. The whole shebang was put together by Brownstoners so I figured it wouldn't be anything like the pickle and sweat sock extravaganza's of my youth. So Mommy called Hautey and we all decided to go together. Jeanie was chilling with her girls!

The day started off wonderfully, Mommy made Buttermilk Waffles (from scratch cause you know I had to get that shit from somewhere) on her old fashion waffle iron. You know the kind thats really iron or some other metal, and heavy enough to put a serious dent in someones skull. The kind you put directly on the burner. Damn those things were good! Duke even got one. Then we hopped in a cab, picked up Hautey and were on our way!

Now, after it all being said and done, theres something to be said for the pickle and sweat sock experience. What good is a flea market if you have to empty out your savings account to pay for the stuff you like? I mean the lady with the Marrameko fabric was great. And so was the lady with the homemade ricotta cheese - I think I just read about her in New York Magazine, Hautey got some and is making me really jealous that I didn't buy some. And I saw some really cool doors - but the thing about the doors is that some contractor probably ripped them off of some sweet old womans house calling himself doing her a favor and getting her a brand new (ie cheap) door and hauling the old messes away. But what that sweet old woman doesn't know is, he's gonna strip them, clean them and sell them at a flea market for $4,500 (or was it $5400?). Then I saw some really nice Danish Modern furniture that I think I might have seen on ebay for half the price. Oh, and lets not forget the stalls and stalls and stalls of so called "unique" baby clothes. Cause lord forbid we dress our hipster children in the Gap or some other chain store or brand name! We want our children to be individuals! So they all wear the same damned white onesie with a screen print of some old school headphones on it. Or a microphone. Or a skateboard. Or an urban skyline. Or a stylized monkey - wait, that one was hella cute actually. But my point is the were all the phucking same you morons! And I haven't brought for babies lately, but I'm petty sure the onsies are less expensive at the Gap. Sheet you really wanna be unique buy some white onsies and screenprint them bitches yourself! Some stiff cardboard, an exacto knife and a little fabric paint and BAM! one of a kind baby onsie. It's not rocket science.

On the upside, there was no fighting or bickering or name calling. Even Mommy behaved. And we walked home so we were all pretty pooped come evening. But I'm still kinda pissed I didn't get a pickle.

Half Baked

2008-04-03T17:26:00.002-04:00

I really tried to do my homework this weekend but a couple of things slipped through. Damn you PYT and your flaky ass! Thats why I ate your cupcake you momo!
WARNING LADY SHAY!!! although if we are still synched, that might have been a little late. I was early
I spent about an hour and a half on the phone with my sister the other day. By the end of the conversation I couldn't breathe, my throat hurt something awful, and tears were streaming down my face. She reminded me of how I used to put bandaids on myself at night when I was little. No reason, I just liked bandaids. One day my Mom found all of the bandaid wrappers under my bed and freaked out a little. She asked me why I was putting on bandaids, did I hurt myself? and I replied (at least according to Hautechick) "No, I just like bandaids." I still have a thing for bandaids
I also used to stick stuff up my nose, which is strange cause I can't even do nasal spray now
So Cousin T calls me yesterday with a rather strange request. Superslag (her sister) sent her a text message that morning asking her if she could contact me on her behalf. It seems that she would like for me to make 33 red velvet cupcakes for her birthday next week. She tells Cousin T that she would have called me herself, but she doesn't have my number anymore. Then she says that she will pay me for all of the supplies. Uh, bitch I know you think your slick, but I'd have to be a real idiot to fall for that one! I made the cupcakes for your daughter because I LOVE HER, you I just barely started to be able to stand for more than 5 minutes. I should calculate the cost of supplies, the cost of using the gas to cook those bitches, AND an hourly rate for my time. I started to charge her a buck each but that is cheap as hell and while I might do that for someone I like, her not so much.
Speaking of baking and Superslag, I will never forget the time that someone paid her to make them a birthday cake, $20, and this chick makes a box cake and says some shit like, "Do you know how much a box of cake mix cost?!" Actually I don't, my Mom taught me to bake from scratch and since in my opinion it only takes a little bit more time, and taste 1000 times better, I stick with scratch.
More interviews. I'm about to send XBossMan a letter of recommendation for him to sign. I drafted all of his correspondence in the past and I figure this way I at least know the basis of what the lil shit is going to say in the letter, and I dont have to deal with him everytime I want a recommendation
Gnarls Barkley in NYC!!!!!
Is it me or is this season of Top Model excruciatingly boring, the majority of the girls are not attractive or intelligent or interesting in the least. I cant stand the African chick or the drag queen. I liked the chick that got kicked off for a hot minute, but even she turned into an ass

Lil Heifer...

2008-03-28T23:50:00.003-04:00

So me and Cousin T pull up at SuperSlag's house for MonkeyGirl's birthday dinner and here is lil miss thing standing there looking like a junior me. I have on black skinny jeans, she has on black skinny jeans. I have on some Coach high top sneakers, and she's got on the low top version. I say, "Hey Monk, do we have on the same sneakers?" And this lil shits gonna say, "Uh uh, mine are Coach!" with full attitude. I swear I fell the fuck out and then informed the lil heifer that mine were Coach too!

Oh can I just say I put my whole mutherfucking foot in them red velvet cupcakes! Cousin T's dad (my actual cousin) used to make THE best carrot cake until his diabetes got out of control. He never gave the recipe to anyone, not even his daughters. But he's giving it to me after tasting my cupcakes. And its a good damn thing he got the diabetes under control cause he ate like 3 of them joints. Even Mommy, the red velvet hater, ate two and was trying to steal more before I left the house with them.

Oh and I'm working on my homework PrettyBlack!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEYGIRL!

2008-03-27T23:31:00.007-04:00

on this joyous day, in 1995, my god daughter was born. A whole 4 pounds of eyerolling, hair grabbing, hollering, side eyein bundle of joy and rebellion. Only baby in the incubator room lifting her head up and I think trying to get out of that damned plastic box. Gosh I love that kid. You see, she was born my senior year in high school and at the school I attended, seniors were pretty much finished with classes by the end of March. (The rest of the year was spent preparing for the senior play and doing community service.) So I spent alot of time with her, I watched her just about every day until I left for college. And when I was away, my Mom used to get her and bring her up to see me. They would usually come up on the weekend and I will never forget the time they were there for one of my volleyball games. She charmed just about everyone in the stands by the time the match was over. My coach had to cut the post game meeting short because MonkeyGirl would not be denied! And she was absolutely adorable with her too small self walking and talking when no one would expect her to. We were once at the library in the children's room at Grand Army Plaza (it a huge library in Brooklyn that in this amazing building - actually alot of the libraries in Brooklyn are architectural gems) and this maybe 8 month old baby waddles by. MonkeyGirl was about 2 at the time, and still small for her age, she's gonna look at me and say, "Babies can't walk!" The kids Mom looks at Monkey at says, "well they aren't supposed to talk either, but look at you!"

She's almost as tall as me now, in fact she can fit most of my clothes and some of my shoes. We're even built alot alike. Shes a dancer where I was an athlete, so she's not a musclely as I was at that age. Lucky her. The summer before my sophomore year, my varsity basketball team went to an Invitational Basketball Camp. I spent 2 weeks doing nothing but playing basketball and running basketball related drills. Two days after I got home, I had to go to a wedding. It was the first time that I had worn anything besides workout gear since being home. I put on my girly pink dress, took one look in the mirror and burst into tears! "I look like a boy!" It was terrible, I looked like a body building reject. Mommy still made me go to the wedding though. What's one of my post without a crazy tangent! I know alot of you were expecting it and I sooo hate to disappoint! You should see my biceps after I've actually been working out consistently...

Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled post, I am so glad to have that no longer little girl in my life. So I'm making her Red Velvet Cupcakes for her party tomorrow! I might even whip out Mommy's decorating tools and get my icing flower on!

AND as a bonus tangent I present to you my theory about birthdays. When I was a kid and someone asked me how old I was I would say something like, "well traditionally I'm 10 years old, but actually I've been alive for 11 years." It used to piss Hautechick off for some reason. But its true! When some one celebrates a birthday, they are actually celebrating the completion of that year, so when you turn 30 (like I did last November) you are actually beginning your 31st year of life. I used to wonder about why age was counted this way. I also wonder if it has anything to do with high infant mortality rates that used to exist before medical practices were standardized. AND since this post was in honor of my 13 year old god daughter, I didnt even curse!

The Skin I'm In

2008-03-25T23:49:00.002-04:00

lots and lots of water, I drink that is. Plus the MAC doesn't hurt a bit
speaking of makeup, the handle on my makeup train case broke this morning and I'm really sad about it, I think I'm going to take it to the shoemaker since its leather and see if he can fix it.
remember I used to do those post on things that every woman needs? well I just thought of another one, a really good old school shoe maker. They can take the calf of your boots in, or if they are really good make them a little bigger. Stretch your too tight leather shoes (or do it yourself with some wooden shoe trees and some rubbing alcohol) fix the run down heel on your favorite shoes, replace a worn down sole, fix the leather strap on a makeup case, at least I hope so
i actually had a really bad case of the chickenpox when I was in the 4th grade. So bad that I missed the last month and a half of school. I still have the dots all over including one on my right cheek and a couple on my nose. They just dont show up in pictures for some reason. Then again people usually think they're birthmarks...
speaking of the chickenpox, did I ever mention that I have a half brother? He's a real shit. Anyway when I got the chickenpox, he was in the Marines and he came to see me when he was home on leave. that would have been strange considering that we spent hardly any time together when I was a kid, but our dad had just passed away the year before, so he was trying to pretend that he's not an asshat. Anywho, guess who gave the fucktard the chickenpox and guess who ended up in military quarantine for 2 months?
and continuing on the theme of my shitwit brother, have I ever mentioned that I'm an aunt? dont think so. well anyway come to find out I'm an aunt again. How did I find out? My buppy cousin gets an email birth announcement from Shitwits (I really like that one, and it really fits my brother) wife, Shitwitta (shes an ass too), so she forwards it to my Mom, who checks her email like maybe 4 times a month (and that does not mean once a week) who mentions it to me last week. The kid, a boy, was born on Valentines day.
my home phone went out this weekend, actually all three lines in the house were acting wonky, so Mommy called Verizon and they said they would be here on Monday morning. wait I should correct that, the first dumbass broad that answered the phone told Mommy that it must be a problem with one of our phones. I said that was bullshit and told Mommy to call them back (after she made me check all the jacks - good thing the designers of this house were asses and there are only three of them, one on each floor) and THEN they said they would come on Monday. And what a day Monday was...
I'm knocked the fuck out, and I kinda hear Mommy's line ringing on Monday morning, but I rolled over and what do you know, it stops. then my cell phone rings, it the verizon guy and he's outside. oops! So I throw on some sweat pants and a hoodie and answer the door. Hello! I was for a minute regretting my choice of attire when I realized that the sweats are kinda low rise and show off my flat belly very nicely and actually make me look like I have hips! it didn't turn into anything but flirting, but that was my choice. he called me once after he left to make sure that everything was ok, then he stopped by a little later to "make sure."
so the verizon guy leaves and Mommy comes home and says, "huh, i thought that they were going to come and read the meter today." and right on cue the door bell rings. I'm right there, so even though this is something that Mommy usually does, I answer the door. First off, by this time Duke is pretty sick and tired of getting locked up everytime someone comes to the door, so he sticks his snooze in the door and follows me out into the vestibule. Good thing I hadn't yet answered the front door. So after a brief yet frenzied battle with the hairy beast I answer the door. Dog hair everywhere and a tall young cutie here to read the meter! Sheesh! That boy better be happy Mommy was home cause I was seriously thinking about jumping the young man right there in the basement.
My god daughter is going to be 13 on Thursday! She wants a Sidekick and/or to go to Dave and Busters with a crew. I'm all for the Sidekick - shes a good kid and she doesn't have a cell phone, but me and Cousin T had a long ass talk about the Dave and Busters thingamajig.
I was in Filene's Basement shopping for MonkeyGirl's birthday and I saw the most adorable Ralph Lauren baby girl clothes. I really was debating with myself if I should buy something for NewBabyGirl, SuperSlag's newest kid, but I decided against it. She'll take it as were cool again and as always expect more. It tears me up that I can't buy something for the kid without her Mom trying to hit me up for more.

Where's My Fuckin Cookie LadyShay?!?

2008-03-24T20:13:00.006-04:00

Why is it when LadyShay says "Fuck you!" to me, I feel luved?

I actually took some pics when I finished doing my hair, but I look kinda pissed off and aggravated so I'm not posting them. There's one of me with curly locks, and one with straight. Sort of a before wash and after. Anyway, heres some snarky broad in all of her locked glory. Don't you just love my enormous bamboo hoops? I'm sooo old school...

Girly...

2008-03-21T15:16:00.001-04:00

yes I'm still wasting time and that's my black diamond ring on the left above the shoe (picture doesn't do it justice)

Sesostris

2008-03-21T14:02:00.006-04:00

I was watching Engineering an Empire : Egypt and now I can't get the name Sesostris out of my head or Snefru for that matter
ella ella ella eh!
Last weekend I went to my godson's (MonkeyBoy) basketball game with Cousin T. We showed up in time for his second game (the first was at some ungawdly hour in the morning) and the other team hasn't shown up, so it was a forfeit.

Superslag was there with NewBabyGirl and WackThug showed up. We're watching the kids shoot around for a while and there's this little boy who is pretty damned good. Doesn't hurt that he's taller than most of the other kids, but his Jordan's are barely tied. So I say, "That kid would be awesome if someone took the time to tie his sneakers." And Cousin T starts choking and everyone else (SuperSlag and WackThug) get quiet. Cousin T told me later the kid was WackThug's son...
MonkeyBoy makes the same stink face as that his mother (SuperSlag) used to make when she was upset about something as a child
Cousin T and I went to see her Mommy in the hospital after we left the non-game. She was doing much better (trying to get us to bring her some real food!) and is actually home now. I promised her that I would make her some incense...

Memory foam Sock Monkey Slippers (from Target) are apparently "gangsta."
can I just say "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" ah, much better
I had the worst cereal I have ever eaten this morning. It tasted buttery and sweet and sour, it was in a word disgusting.
So I usually do my locks myself. Its a long and arduous task, but I'm always happy with the results when I'm done. The worse thing that happens when I do it, is that I think my curls are too tight, or something else trivial. The same can't be said for when someone else does it.

There was the African Hair Braiding place where I used to have to wash it first (if I wanted it really clean) and bring all of my own supplies. And forget asking them to style them. And I usually would have to tell the woman not to use so much product in my hair.
Then there was the professional loctician. She was right near my house, and not too expensive. Sistah can really do hair, but she has no customer service skills or personality at all as far as I can tell. I went twice. Both times it was just me and her in the shop and she said about 20 words to me. The first time, I kept trying to ask questions, one word answers. I'm not asking for your life story, but if we have to sit here together for 2 and a half hours, the least you could do is turn on some fucking music or talk to me! The second time I wore my ipod and brought a book. Yeah my hair looked nice, but I always left there feeling uncomfortable, like she really didn't want my business.
So now I found a new place. I know I'm just being completely and utterly lazy, since I'm home all day it's not like I couldn't do it myself. But I kind of want to get out of the house. So I walked over there the other morning, and they weren't open. I think that's a sign that I should get off of my ass and do it myself. No curls this time though, they take too fucking long to do.
Speaking of hair, but almost completely unrelated (like something in this post was related) you know I really can't cornrow. Lately Mommy has been making me practice on her, talkinbout what if I have little girls. But PYT has braids and asked me if I could do his hair, I was like, "Uh..."

I was going to say that I was verrrry goood last month in terms of not shopping. But thats not entirely true, so I was going to amend it to say that I didn't buy any clothes last month. But thats not true either...

I got my rose gold and black diamond ring. To say I love it would be an understatement. I also have to learn to stop staring at it like an idjeet, but I'm fascinated that something sooo black could be sooo sparkly
And I got a pair of high top Coach sneakers that I could not resist. The look like Chucks (which I also love) and they are all black but they fold over to a leopard print (real genuine illegal leopard - sorry, the Artist used to say this to me all the time)
I got the Coach Chucks when I was looking for a pair of black pumps. Which I realized that I didn't have when I was cleaning out my closet. I got a fairly standard pair from MaxStudio with a rounded toe, but they have really great toe cleavage.
And I got a dress, hammered silk off the shoulder BCBG. But I'm not sure if its for me or for my goddaughter (MonkeyGirl.) She has a formal event coming up next month and I saw the dress and kind of thought of her, even though I already gave her a dress. But I was also thinking of me a little, since we wear the same size. Can I just take a moment to say that I'm really kind of pissed and proud of that!?! I mean what the fuck the kid used to fit on my lap, her whole freaking body used to fit on my lap! And now the kid can borrow my clothes AND shoes! So anyway, the dress came (I got it from my favorite BCBG seller on ebay) and welll, I tried it on. I really have no where to wear it, but it looks great, and I'm kind of hoping that she won't like it. that is a really fucked up thought
I also got some lingerie from Victoria's Secret, they're having a clearance sale. I haven't worn any of it yet though

Speaking of the Artist, he is the worst joke teller ever! But he always manages to make you laugh, just not at the joke he's telling. So, he calls me up and is like "Hey Troubsy, what do you call cheese, that's not your cheese?" and he's cracking up while he's asking me. I can hear Hautechick in the background saying, "Nooooo Artsy!" and I'm like, "I don't know Artso (*ahahahaha I dont know Artso! that rhymes) stolen cheese?" And he's all, "Nnooooooooooo! (giggle giggle guffaw guffaw) Nacho cheese!" and then falls into a fit of hysterics. Hautechick picks up the phone and says "He told that sooo wrong! He was supposed to say, what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you! He's soo silly." (she said it in that gushy "aww I love him" kind of way)
This post is just a lame attempt by me to put off doing my hair as long as possible. Thank you for playing along! If you don't hear from me in awhile, no, I'm not being my usual flaking self. I'm probably just tangled up in my hair. Wish me luck, maybe I'll take a picture when I'm done

Vice

2008-03-19T15:59:00.005-04:00

today I did post on sex, violence, and politics. i guess you could say I'm feeling horny, angry, and argumentative. you could say it, but you might get cut.
Did anyone hear about the fatal crane collapse that happened last weekend in NYC? I mean besides the people that live in the metro area. It is sometimes an amazing thing to watch those cranes put up skyscrapers, especially in NYC where space is always at a premium. But it is also terrifying. They are these amazingly tall structures that look so delicate. My heart goes out to the families of the 7 people that lost their lives...
sheesh and I dark and moody today or what?! I think its the rain, cause it couldn't be that whole no job to go to thing. Good thing a bitch is still getting paid. A check for doing nothing will lift your spirits like nothing else will!
there was an FDNY ambulance and a police car in front of my house today for awhile. I saw them helping a woman into the ambulance and then the cops talked to her for a while. am I smart or paranoid to want to go outside and take pictures of the sidewalk around my house just in case?
I really dont think that really high class call girls would advertise their services on websites where any dick tom and harry who had a good night at the craps table and little sense can acquire their services. I'm just saying
I think that it is toooooo huge a coincidence that our guvnuh is forced to step down for a sex scandal right before the ever problematic NY State budget is due.
I remember what it was like to be 22. to think that being with your friends and partying was the most important things in the world. i also recall that I didn't really date 22 years olds even when I was 22. Back then I was a lolita instead of a baby cougar...
when I was 19, I decided to leave the college that I was going to in CT in order to take a full time job back home in NYC. So when I was in my early 20's I had already been working for awhile, had my own little bit of money, and was cocky as shit. I also used to smoke and met a number of men when they asked me if I was too young to be smoking. I dated alot of 30 year olds during that point in my life. A LOT and I'm pretty sure that there was a 40 year old in there somewhere briefly
before I left that school in CT, I managed to make my way through a crew of guys. I don't think that most of them even knew that I had dealt with the others despite the fact that there weren't too many people of color on campus. I actually didn't sleep with all of them, but I was courted, coddled or spoiled by each and every one of them.
People tell me that I look innocent, and I used to take great advantage of that. I think thats a major reason why I was able to get away with pulling that last stunt pretty much unscathed. The scathed part was that I didn't figure out that the dude that was acting like my brother, was the one that was the most interested in me. Of course he was the one I was least interested in and he started talking shit about me. It only took about two sentences for people to figure out that he was just jealous of the dude I was seeing (not one of the crew.) Note to guys: never finish slamming a girl by saying, "You should have been with me!"
The other scathed part was the fight I almost had with this chick over the one dude in the crew that could have been considered my man, sort of. He was sleeping with her too, which was cool because while I didn't want to know who, he did tell me that he was seeing someone else on campus. She unfortunately wasn't as realistic with the situation as I was. She was also older than me and to say marriage minded would be an understatement. Anyway, one night at a semi formal party, she and a friend walked up on me while I was dancing with another guy (part of the advantage of being a tom boy and a seductress is that people never know if the dude is a friend or a luvah - this one was currently a friend but was a past luvah) he was a (something I can't say cause it will give away more than I want) but saw the set up and warned me. She managed to get a swing in, but then again so did I. Let's just say, I was a little more accurate. I lost a $5 necklace and had a scratch on my neck, she had some bruising.
Got damned confused as fuck seagulls! Cawing out my window like I give a fuck. Bitch this is CENTRAL Brooklyn, take your ass back to the sea and leave me alone damn it. Fucking bird goes off, wakes up Duke, then he starts barking cause he don't know what the fuck that is. It's happened twice this afternoon. Sheeet....

The Prostitute and the Politician

2008-03-19T15:38:00.002-04:00

A case could be made for either being the world's oldest profession. On the one hand, you have the men and women who seek to govern others, to rule in a sense over the masses. And on the other, you have the men and women who seek to please, to pleasure and submit to the masses. Or in some cases to pleasure and submit to the elite. As much as we've seen Elliot Spitzer or H. Carl McCall(to those not from NYC, both are local politicians) on tv, we see the residents of the Bunny Ranch and others making a quick buck off of sex.

Personally, I've never bought nor paid for sex. But to be perfectly honest, I really can't knock the hustle of someone who can get paid $5,000 for an hour of their time. Of course it is much more than an hour of time that they are giving up in exchange. But with some control and intelligence, I can see how someone could use being a prostitute to become something more. Hell, shorty in the news right now, wasn't very smart at all and already the offers are pouring in. Then there was the former call girl who wrote that book. I read it and to be honest it was so dry that I can't even remember the name of the book or the author. Nor do I care to take the time and look them up. But the point is, she managed to not only get out, get married, and get a book deal, but to also be completely honest about what she did without anyone turning their nose down (too much) at her past.

A bad politician, one who lets secrets slip, who goes after people who are supposed to be his betters, who comes off as a self righteous prick, who goes against the grain, who offers up motions and ideas that no one wants anything to do with, who can't balance an enormous budget. Well there's really no redeeming the politician now is there? No one ever says, "Oh, poor little politician, s/he was just young and naive and got taken advantage of. They just used her/him like a pawn!" No one ever feels sorry for the ex politician like they would for the ex prostitute.

black is the new president bitch...

2008-03-19T15:12:00.003-04:00

sorry for the commercial, bitch asses got me for that one. it'd be my fucking luck that it will play that fucking Beyawnce commercial. fucking free advertisement bullshit. but I used hulu rather than utube, cause it allows you to edit clip that you would like to embed. It's open to the public and even has movie classics like "Dude Where's My Car"

Here's Tracy Morgan on Barack Obama and Hilarity Clinton. tee fucking hee!

Perception

2008-03-19T12:31:00.003-04:00

When I first started this blog, you'd be hard pressed to find a picture of me. There was a reason for that. You see, when people first see me, snarky is usually the last thing that the think. For one thing, I'm pretty tiny. Despite being almost 5'7", the most that I have ever weighed is 125 lbs and that was when I was working out 4 to 5 days a week. Add to that, what Hautechick calls my cow eyes (big brown eyes with pretty long lashes) and the fact that I could pass for someone 10 years younger and I'm not what you would call intimidating. As a result, weak willed bitches always want to test me.

I cannot tell you how many times I've gone out with Cousin T, shit will pop off, and some dumb chit thinks I'm the one to be tested. There was the time we went to a party with her sisters (CoHo, SuperSlag, and Bobby) and it was raining. I should insert here, that I have a thing for walking umbrellas, I have to stop myself from buying more. So needless to say, you won't catch me carrying around some generic black umbrella if I can help it. I check my umbrella going in, but on the way out its a total mess. All of the tags have fallen off of the wet umbrellas. But I know my shit, and I made sure to speak to the dude that was checking them, so he hands me my shit right off and I'm out the door waiting for the rest of the crew.

Here comes Cousin T, cause her shit is always purple, but before she gets to me heres some random chicks in my face. Two of them are gonna walk up to me and start talking about how they think I stole their umbrella. "Yeah I'm pretty sure thats my shit she's holding." "Yea, that looks like the one you had." Me, I'm standing there with my eyebrow cocked, waiting for it. Cousin T is standing behind them, waiting for it too. One of them reaches out and makes to grab my umbrella. It wasn't raining at this point so I use it to smack her hand away, "this is not your umbrella, walk away." real calm real quiet like, which should have been her first clue. "I think it is mine, let me see it." "Now, if you had walked up to me and asked to see it in the first place, I might have let you. But you want to try and grab shit and I hate rude people. Get the fuck out of my face bitch." Now she's going off about how I disrespected her and Cousin T has been joined by the rest of the people with me, so they are pretty much surrounded by some chicks that are in some cases ALOT bigger than me. All of a sudden, they want to be nice. "My bad, I thought it was mine." Little chick standing by herself they wanna pick on. Little chick surrounded by some burly big backed bitches and the want to back off.

It's the story of my life. Some low self esteem bitch thinks she can feel better about herself by picking on the skinny chick. What they don't know is that the skinny chick is kinda quick with the wit and the fist. And I'm not above fighting dirty if the person is bigger than me. Which pretty much means I fight dirty all the time since I can't ever remember being in a fight with someone who was my size or smaller. I can honestly say that I NEVER in my life started a fight, but I've finished quite a few. I've had my share of busted lips and scratches, but they've all healed. But I don't think that I would be able to live with myself it I knew that I let other people intimidate or bully me. That's just not the type of person that I am...

and for the record, I don't back down whether I'm surrounded by burly big backed bitches or by my lonely!

All we do is play in the sheets...

2008-03-19T00:41:00.002-04:00

If you haven't figured it out by now, I really like sex. I'm not obsessed by any stretch of the imagination - I've gone over a year without having sex on more than one occasion. But I do really really really like sex. With the right person, its a phenomenal experience. Sheeeet, with the wrong person it can be a phenomenal experience!

I can't say that I have a favorite position or style, they all appeal to me. The control given when he lets me ride on top. Knowing that his eyes are on me, his hands on my hips. Or when he rises to meet me, lip to lip breathe mingling. The power of a forceful thrust. The skill of a slow silken glide. Pulling my locks or tenderly stroking skin. And oh how I crave my next little death. To shatter and know that his arms are the only thing keeping me from completely coming apart. The surrender and the conquest. It all appeals to me.

But I am sooo much more that what it between my legs. And no man should ever think that a little slap and tickle is going to be enough to keep me slapping and tickling. I cannot even begin to fathom why a man would think that a woman would be ok with him saying, "Hey baby, I'm going to this party on Saturday (wait for it) and I was wondering if I could stop by your place on my way home?" Um, let me think about it. Uh, FUCK NO! No, it wasn't PYT that said that to me, that's how Brownie got moldy.

While I am spoiled to a certain extent, I don't expect a man to bankrupt himself in order to please me. For example, there was the dude that was unemployed that insisted on taking me out to very expensive dinners on his Amex card. It put a bad taste in my mouth. I took him out to a nice dinner, my treat, and ended it. On the opposite end was the dude that insisted on only taking me to diners. I actually love diners, but not the straight up disgusting places that he tried to get me to eat.

Or how about the dudes that are afraid of a little blood? I'm not asking you to eat me out on a bloody Monday or anything even closely related, but is it necessary to disappear like I've got the plague? It's a little blood, bitch, it's not gonna kill me and it sure as fuck isn't going to kill you. And that, "Well your mouth still works" bullshit just ain't cool. I'm already fucking emotional and you want to be an ass?! Real quick way to ensure that you never get a favor while I'm on the rag.

That brings me to PYT. I can't figure the man out for shit. He stands me up. He'll always call and apologize the next day. But it is what is. Twice, then I stopped calling, stopped texting actually. I just let it go. But he didn't. He called, then he texted and he comes over and plays Monopoly with me (and gets his ass kicked) knowing he's not gonna get any. No pressure to impress him with my brain. Just chilled and got his ass kicked. He even actually enjoyed my smart ass mouth. Then you know what he does...

Tagged...

2008-03-18T11:00:00.003-04:00

Ok, so hopefully I'm fully back on my grind. That sinus shit is a bitch! I used to get really bad sinus infections every spring, but not so much since I had my wisdom teeth pulled. Anyway, I'm feeling better so its time to take care of some bidness...

The first link has to be about family - Sleep Talkers - a strange family quirk

The second link has to be about friends - Slick! -my homeboy who I really need to call

The third link has to be about myself - In a Little Cabin - started about my insomnia ended up about the Levian Cult Camp I went to (re: levian - I was in the Dominican Republic with my sisty, we were on this beach and this Dominican guy comes up to us and tries to pick us up. "Oh! You are sisters, good! I hoped you were not levians, levians are no fun!" at least not to beach hustlers)

The fourth link has to be about something I love - Mr. Pooper of course!

And the fifth link cried all the way wee wee home! He's a bit of a punk ass...

(I'm copping out on the tagging thing cause you guys mostly already did this!)

Sickly...

2008-03-14T21:39:00.005-04:00

So I started feeling kinda funky on Sunday, a slight tickle in my throat. By Monday it was a full blown sore throat. I started taking Yarrow, which I think helped to stop it from turning into the flu, but I was congested and had a headache all week. I got a call on Tuesday for an interview and scheduled it for today, Friday, hoping I would be up to top speed. Of fucking course, today would be the day that I lost my fucking voice! Not all day mind you, just the 4 hours that it took me to get to the city, do the interview and get home. I made a point to let them know that I am not usually so softly spoken. Anyway, I missed you all bunches and I'll make sure to check all my peoples blogs on tomorrow. And despite being an invalid (or maybe because) I said and heard alot of interesting things this week. Here's a couple to keep all 14 of you entertained...

Trouble to Mommy: So did Nana (my gramma) make pork chops for you before she was Jewish?

(I was going to explain this in the tagged post, then I read the rules! So, my Nana was married three times. Her last husband was Jewish, not an Israelite a black Jew, and she converted. My Uncle was actually raised Jewish but he converted to Islam when he got locked up. (that makes me giggle! and it should not be funny, but I can't help it!) Before that she was also attended a Catholic church and an AME -African Methodist Episcopal.)

Trouble to Hautechick: Hey, can you ask the Artist if I can come over and use his colored pencils, I got some new coloring books

(yes I'm dead serious, but they are adult coloring books, one is Mystical Mandalas, one is Erte designs, and the other is decorative tiles)

Mommy to Trouble on my latest purchase a rose gold and black diamond ring: Ooooooo, it looks too small for you and look at that it fits on my pinky, you should give it to me for my birthday!

(admittedly she'll be 60 this year, but her birthday isn't until September and I'd like to point out that she told me not to buy it. (Maybe cause I dont have a job?) I did get it back though, its gorgeous! I think I found my new favorite stone, and black is supposed to absorb the negative energy around you...)

PYT to Trouble (we were kinda on the outs but not really more on that later): You soo don't sound like you grew up in Bed- Stuy, say totally or dude or something....

Trouble to PYT: You're lucky your cute or you would've gotten popped in the mouth for that shit

PYT to Trouble (he was getting his ass kicked at Monopoly handing me two singles): I always pay the strippers with ones.

(it sounds fucked up but it was funny when he said it and even funnier when I said the following...)

Trouble to PYT (paying him his rent, I dropped the singles on the floor and said): Yesssss darling now pick them up slow for Mama

And can I just say if I haven't said it before that I love Snoop Dogg! Ego Trippin did not disappoint but I'm renaming "SD is Out" to Oooo Weee. Thing I can't stop saying "Stacks in my jeans, Phantom up in my garage. My pockets look like ReRun your pockets look like Rog"

Some Shit

2008-03-07T00:29:00.002-05:00

No, no more poop tales.

from time to time, Hautechick and I will end up in hysterical laughter when talking to one another on the phone. Most recently, she said something about how I always got along with the Artist and that I need to find her a brother in law that she gets along with too. That lead me to saying that, no, actually I didn't always get along with the Artist, he used to get on my last nerve. It was Hautechicks fault, she used to tell him all of these embarrassing stories about me, usually things that I did as a child, and he would tease me. I hated it. So Hautechick asked me what happened that got him to stop teasing me. And for a second I couldn't remember. Then it hit me, it was the time I was hanging out with the two of them (Hautechick, Mommy, and I all still lived together then) and we were inebriated, to say the least, and the Artist went upstairs to use the bathroom and passed out. He hit the floor so hard that we heard it downstairs. My mom ended up calling Hautey to come check on him and she found him on the floor with his pants (and underwear) around his ankles. Just typing about it makes me incredibly giggly.
So I think it was yesterday that I got this email announcing $8 fares on a certain airline. Then today on the news I hear that same airline has been under investigation by the FAA for flying planes that have not been inspected.
My god daughter, Monkey Girl, had another recital tonight. I love that child but can I just say shit, damn, motherfucking 3 hour program, including a got damned dance piece that I saw last time, a whole bunch of teachers on stage so called modeling, and Monkey Girl was only in the last 5 minutes of the damned thing! I swear...
Speaking of the recital, I heard about it from Monkey Girl's step family, Step Grandma called me and asked me to get her a leotard and for my help in finding a dress for a formal event coming up in April. But thats not the point. The point is, I walk in start looking around for familiar faces and who should wave and quietly call my name, SuperSlag. Don't choke someone out one time and they think yall cool again. Buuuut, she had the baby with her and oh does she know how I am a sucker for baby girls. Actually, its the clothes shopping that I love. I swear Monkey Girl was dressed to the nines when she was a wee one, and the new one reminds me alot of her. She's so tiny. So I sat, behind not next to her, I still don't trust her with my back. Her and WackThug (baby daddy) actually drove me home.
Cousin T's Mom is in the hospital, I'm gonna send her some flowers tomorrow. She's in my thoughts...
I had a discussion with Mommy about me moving out of state. But that lasted just until she told me that I couldn't take Duke with me. Any time something needs to be cleaned because of him, he's my dog, which is 98% of the time. Of course he would become her dog on this issue.
This is kinda wussy but, I can't leave Duke. He's getting old, I dont know how much time I have left with him, and I'd really be mad at myself if I missed out on it
My mom has one of those KitchenAid Stand Mixers (how gorgeous is this dark purple one?) my dad brought it for her as a gift. That means its really old (if you haven't been following along, my dad died when I was 8) and kind of precious to her. That mixer has made plenty of delectable treats so I've always loved it, but I've also always shied away from using it. That has soooo changed. One of my favorite things to make is pizza with homemade dough. That mixer cut my prep time down by so much and made everything sooo easy. I've fallen in love with it. I usually only make pizza about 4 times a year, cause the dough is such a bitch to make. I made it twice in the last two weeks. The one with wine soaked mushrooms was reallllly gewd.
Someone set off a small explosive at the Military Recruiting Station in Times Square early this morning. Its the third incident in which a man on a bike has set off a small explosive device in the early hours of the morning in NYC since 1998 (I think it was 98) No one was hurt.
I made a bouquet of balloon tulips for Monkey Girl...

A Business Decision

2008-03-05T19:34:00.004-05:00

I went back and forth with myself on whether or not to write this post. But if there is one thing that I am, its honest. And if there is one thing that I learned since I started blogging, its that sometimes getting it out is very therapeutic. So here it goes, I was laid off.

Actually happened back in December, and BossMan very (insert tongue in cheek) generously is still paying my salary. I came back from vacation, determined to make the best of my job. And for two whole days I was popping! Then BossMan called me into his office and asked me to close the door. The first thing out of my mouth was, "Am I in trouble?" I was smiling when I said it, but I had a very bad feeling. The next few minutes, to be honest, were a blur. Mainly because BossMan was rambling. He said something about administrative cost, and budget restructuring, and finding a place for me if I wanted, and continuing to pay me for awhile. "Wait a minute, I don't understand what you're telling me. I'm fired?" There was some hemming and hawing and some thats not how I would put its and some I really care about what happens to you and some I'm sure that you will excel wherever you decided to gos, but what it boiled down to was yes, I was fired. Laid off, what the fuck ever you want to call it, it blows.

I mean at first I was hurt. He offered to let me leave then, but if I'm honest, I'm also proud, so I told him I would finish the week. I realize now that offer was for his comfort, not mine. He has never spent so much time out of the office as he did that week. He should feel uncomfortable, fucker. Executive decision to devote more funds to d's and a's and less to administrative staff my ass. I mean sure I was making about as much as CrapCakes and Bambi combined, but I also put up with his bullshit for 7 fucking years and am not mentally and socially retarded. What it really boils down to is that I was the only person making very nice money that was not related to him. Combine that with the fact that they were going to implement profit sharing and time based bonuses and vacations and I would have been making very nice money indeed. Add to it, that Madame BigShot was pushing for my removal and it makes a very bitter recipe for humble pie.

As you can see, the hurt quickly turned to anger, then morphed into a kind of "fuck it I'll be better off" mentality. This was in part due to the fact, that I haven't had to work since he's still paying my salary. It gives me time to find the right job, not the just the job that will pay the bills. Alot of my friends and family can't believe that he is still paying me, but I'm to the point where I know I deserved it. I don't wish him ill, but I certainly won't be keeping in touch like he hoped. I can use CFO as a reference if I need to. He was very upset to find out that BossMan let me go. I think it was in good part because he had nothing to do with the decision and he hates to be left out of company matters. Rightfully so, since his dad and him are also major investors.

So I'm home, spending time with my god daughter and the rest of my family. Cleaning and renovating my apartment - still cant find a got damned sofa that I like though. Playing with Duke. Cooking. I still plan on heading out to California, just not as soon as I had hoped. If I dont get on it soon, my god mother has threatened to come and get me. Even though I've been home for 2 1/2 months, she insists that I need a break.

And hey, if any one is in the market for an overpriced, highly intelligent, self motivated, snarky, bad ass Executive/Personal Assistant, keep your girl in mind! (I see you Puffy - you know you want me. You'll just have to take my word that I'm cute, cause I'll be damned if I submit a picture like this is some sorta internet dating service instead of a got damned job application. What the fuck were you thinking?!?)

Idiot Box

2008-03-05T16:52:00.004-05:00

Here's a list of random, sometimes crappy stuff that I watch on tv regularly. Now take into consideration that I have never in my life had cable, and The Muppet Show is probably one of my favorite shows of all time. Just a twinge above Sesame Street, I got a real thing for Big Bird...

Bones - for some reason I love this show. If you've never seen it, it comes on fox, but you can watch it online at fox.com or at hulu.com (more on hulu later) Its about a ferensic anthropologist who works with an FBI agent (Angel, you know David what's his name from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which by the by you can also watch on hulu) to solve murders. Its kinda grim but theres some humor and I like all of the characters. And its based on the life of Kathy Reichs. The anthropologist on the show - Temperance Brennan (can't remember the chicks real name and dont feel like looking it up) is insanely smart, a social misfit, and kicks ass from time to time
Extreme Makeover Home Edition - I really can't put my finger on why, but I really like this show. Maybe because I love real estate, or I think the idea is a noble one, but in any case it usually makes me cry or at least sniffle. The show actually got sued a while back. Because of the rehabilitation of the properties, the owners property taxes went up and they wanted the show to cover the increase.
I didn't watch it, but Mommy and Other Mother both watched A Raisin in the Sun and thought that Puffy must have paid someone to get that part. I don't know, maybe he financed the production. But speaking of plays, Mommy (if I'm not mistaken) is currently at the matinee preview performance of Cat on A Hot Tin Roof with James Earl Jones, Phylicia Rashad, Terrance Howard and Anika Noni Rose (you know the other woman in the Dreamgirls remake - which I never bothered to see)
The Pussycat Dolls Presents Girlicious - its soooo very vapid and terrible, that its enjoyable. I think there are only about 2 or 3 girls on the show that can actually sing, but then again I always thought the same thing about the Pussycat Dolls. I'm not even going to lie and act like I didn't watch the one the had one last season too. Very fucked up what they did to Asia after she won...
Girlfriends - although it hasn't been the same since the departure of Toni, its been pretty good lately. I was, however highly dissapointed with the last episode I saw in which Joan goes to visit her fiancee's public school. What a deragatory picture of a inner city school they painted! My cousin (Cousin T) has taught at one of the lowest performing schools in NYC, and while shit went down, it was never like that bullshit. Maybe I'm overreacting and shit is really that terrible out in CA. PB, did you see that episode?
A-Team, Fantasy Island and Air Hawk on hulu.com. Its a really great site that lets you watch episodes and clips from multiple networks as well as some shows that are no longer on the air like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You have to be invited to be a member or do like I did and sign up to be a beta tester at hulu.com. Bravo kinda squelched on the deal cause they took their content off of Itunes and claimed they were going to put it on hulu but all they have on their is clips last time I looked, no full episodes. In the clips of Project Runway, they don't even show you what the finished designs look like.
CSI - the original one. Actually haven't caught too many this season, but last season with the miniature killer was kick ass. Loved that it turned out to be a woman. NY and Miami versions are alright too, but they really don't compare to the original.
Law & Order SVU - I used to love the original but I guess Jerry Orbach was holding the whole thing together cause after his death, I really didn't enjoy it anymore. I watch the reruns whenever I'm at my sisters house (she has cable.) I used to like Homicide: Life On the Street when Munch was on it and I like him on SVU. Plus everyone else, specially Olivia and Elliot. And the new guy is fun to look at
World News Tonight with Charles Gibson - mainly cause he calls himself Charlie. I find the news depressing most of the time and think alot of news anchors are phony. Overly sad on the bad stories and frighteningly cheery on the good ones. Charlie Gibson seems genuine to me, I appreciate his delivery and never feel like he is forcing his opinion (or someone else's) down my throat. I tend to like the news team on ABC the best out of all the local networks, especially when they put Marvell Scott in a tight fitting t-shirt (and he's a MD!)

Speaking of poop...

2008-03-05T16:21:00.002-05:00

When I was a sophmore in high school, Hautechick was a freshman in college. Since she spent high school locked up at an all girls boarding school, she decided to go to college in NYC and live at home to save some dough. I wanted to kill her for that decision. The main reason was because of our bathroom situation. Three women (well I was a young woman at the time) and one freaking bathroom. Mommy and I had pretty much worked out how to not inconvenience each other when here comes Ms. Stink Booty.

Here would be my typical morning routine in high school; Wake up and wait for Mommy to finish in the bathroom, use the toilet, brush my teeth, start the shower (it was an old house, took awhile for the water to get hot), and as soon as I put both feet in the tub, there would be a knock on the door. "Troub let me in, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The first couple of times I felt sorry for her and let her in. Each and everytime, I wouldn't be able to smell anything for the next 2 hours! I have no idea what the hell she was eating in those days, but boy did my nose sure suffer. Soo, I took to not letting her in. That worked a couple of times, then she decided to get Mommy involved, "Mommy! Trouble won't let me in the bathroom and I reallllllly have to go!" Of course I had to let her in, but usually by this time I would be done with my shower (I think I got it down to about 5 minutes to soap up and rinse off) and just lotion up in my room.

It wasn't until my junior year that I decided to get revenge. I would sneak downstairs to Hautechick's room while Mommy was in the shower. Then I would either sneak into her closet and steal her clothes/shoes/sneakers/bags/etc. or if I knew she got in really late the night before I would just ask her. When she would mumble something back (I told you, I come from a a family of sleep talkers. Just the other night Mommy asked me out of nowhere, "Does it have a finished basement?" She must have been dreaming about her vacation home.) I would take that as a yes and boogie. The clothes were cool and all, but they still didn't make up for all of the singed nose hairs.

Til this day, whenever Hautechick comes over, she always wants to use my bathroom. Doesn't matter that Mommy's apartment has one and a half baths, she still wants to use mine. And if I tell her no, Mommy says, "Oh stop being mean and let your sister use your bathroom!" (I notice that Duke always vacates the premises whenever she gets to pooping)

Endnote: This is kinda gross, but the reason this post popped into my head is cause Hautechick recently told me that she tried that new pro biotic yogurt. You know the one that as Tina Fey put it, makes you poop. Wellll, she sooo did not need to try that. On top of being highly highly regular, she's also a little lactose intolerant. All I have to say is that I feel really sorry that her husband and her co-workers had to go through that genius experiment with her. To them I gift some frankincense, myrrh, and some of that air displacing stuff...

SuperSlag Update

2008-03-03T17:45:00.003-05:00

I actually spent about 2 hours with my worthless cousin yesterday. Cousin T was there to make sure she didn't say something she might regret, and that I didn't choke the shit out of her on gp. I also finally got to meet her new daughter. She's looks a lot like her older sister did when she was that age. But she's having problems pooping. Usually I dont talk about baby poop but I'm putting it out there cause child is not at all happy.

Seems that the formula that she's on (I'm all for breast feeding!) has a lot of iron in it. Plus something else that she takes has a lot of iron in it, so shes all backed up. Someone (ghetto) suggested that she put some soap up the baby's butt, but that just seems wrong to me on sooo many levels. I mean, soap kinda burns doesn't it? There's got to be something a little more natural and less burny than soapy for the little monkey, right? So any suggestions on how to get a backed up baby to poop?

The reason that SuperSlag and I were together was to go to her sons basketball game. He was supposed to have 2 games yesterday, one at 12 and another at 2. We get there at 2 and SS dont know where the game is going to be at. We finally get in touch with SuperSlags ex and he tells us the games, both of them, are already over. Way to keep track asshat! I mean I know you have the baby and all, but you can't write the information down on a calender or someshit? What the fuck. And stop letting people put soap up your babies butt! Sheesh!

Curses!

2008-03-03T17:29:00.003-05:00

I seem to be cursed with people who think that it is okay to pop back into my life after 4, 5 or 6 years of abscence.

There is the former co-worker. We haven't worked together since 1998, but when I first moved into the house, she used to live around the corner. I would see her from time to time with her daughter. We even exchanged numbers becuase there was a question that she wanted to ask me about CDCs (Community Development Corporations.) She calls to ask me the question, then when I call her back to give her the answer, no response. (I should point out that I am not one of those people who will leave the information on a voicemail, either you speak to me or no go.) Skip ahead 5 years and why is this woman calling my mothers line looking for me (I'm not listed.) We haven't spoken in 5 years and you think its cool to call my Mom and ask her to give you my number? Like that was really going to happen.

The old, "Oh, we're old friends, I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you gave me her number" ploy might work somewhere else, but not with the Mother of Snark. "Weelllll, her number hasn't changed in over 7 years so if you had it once, you still have it. I don't feel comfortable giving out her number, but if you'd like to leave yours, I'll gladly pass it along." Not to mention chick lives in North Carolina now. I really dont see the point in spending money on long distance to speak to someone that I haven't thought about in 4 years. Specially not after the last time we spoke.

I think I may have mentioned the former high school buddy that moved to South Africa during college. I sent her emails, no response. Hell I even ran into people that saw her while she was in NYC visiting. You didn't want to see me then, why the fuck are you calling me now?!? It been at least 10 years, what the hell could we possibly have to say to one another?

My godparents are the major fuck ups. (Not to be confused with my God Mother in Cali) They decided to move to Atlanta when I was a junior in High School. Got maybe one letter and have seen them maybe once since then. These people have the nerve to call my Mom to let her know how dissappointed they are that I didn't keep in touch. What the fuck! You were the adults in the situation, why was it my responsibility to keep in touch? And why wait fucking 12 years to bring that shit up. Fuck off. No seriously, I know one of you was my dad's best friend, but I'm pretty sure he would tell you to fuck off too!

Hot Damn!

2008-02-29T01:38:00.002-05:00

Its late but I need to get this out before I forget. Sorry if it doesn't make too much sense but I dont think I'm going to get much sleep until I get my day off of my chest. (Current song : Sexual Eruption, Snoop Dogg) What a fucking day. My interview wasnt until 1 but I was up at 7. I stared at the ceiling for awhile til I got a huge hairy paw in my face. Took Duke out, ate a doughnut (mmmm doughnuts), showered and headed upstairs to get dressed. (And my curls dropped some in the shower!) Wondering why I had to go upstairs to get dressed? Well, while I live in the studio on the first floor, Mommy occupies a very nice 3 bedroom duplex. I'm currently keeping my work clothes up there while I continue to renovate my apartment. Keeps down on the dog hair on them that way too. Last minute I decided to wear all black. Good fucking decision.

I'm moving and shaking, even managed to put a coat of neutral polish on my nails. Then I can't find my mittens. I love those mittens! And they go perfectly with my long black shearling coat. So I settled for some black knit gloves and stuffed a hat into my newish Coach bag. (Newish cause I bought it in December and haven't ever carried it, til yesterday) I'm out the house ahead of time and when I hit the subway platform, heres the momo fucking train. Owww! I get to the city a full 30 minutes early for my appointment. Head up to the office and first impression was that maybe I had made a mistake. The people in the reception area weren't what I would call quality applicants and the former crackhead looking black receptionist was hating on me from the moment I walked in and took the attention of the former crackhead looking dude waiting in the lobby. Lucky me.

Then this chick is asking me to fill out an application. Would someone please explain to me why I have to fill this shit out when I gave yall my resume and all that shit is on there. And fuck no I'm not giving you the name , cell and HOME phone numbers for references! Just when I'm thinking this might have been a waste of my time, here comes my Agent. An adorable incredibly well maintained upper middle aged Italian woman dressed very nicely in ALL BLACK (go Troubsy!) with some funky colorful glasses on. We head to her cubicle and pictures of her kid, grandkid and her dogs!

Sidebar: Would someone please explain to me why I have been given the task of changing the opinion of what dreadlocks are? I sit down and first thing she says is "Ok, first off, I think your gorgeous, but can I ask are those dreadlocks?! Whatever they are, they're gorgeous..." 15 minutes later, the woman that sits behind her says "Excuse me, your curls are beautiful, I've never seen dreadlocks like yours." (Current Song - Honey, Ms. Badu)

After about a half an hour of talking to her and doing some MS Office testing (I had to do some mail merge labels LaShay!) what do you know, I'm on my way to interview at this great little company. I was supposed to meet with the Head of the Company's assistant, but I ended up meeting with her, one of the partners and the Head. Go Trouble! Not only would the job give me the opportunity to do something that I really love, but because of my major it would be the perfect place for me to advance as well! Only thing is I would be taking a pay cut. Nothing that would hurt me financially, especially since BossMan is still paying me for awhile longer. But do I really want to go backwards? On the other hand, the benefits are really really good and one of the perks is that I wouldn't have to pay for breakfast or lunch.

Shit, I mean this company does exactly what I told Mommy I was interested in when she asked me what I Wanted to do. I might be jumping the gun, but I'm pretty confident that I impressed them. I mean the fact that they interviewed me alone told me something, since they had stopped interviewing yesterday. And I was the first person to meet with more than one person that worked there. The job would be replacing an admin that is relocating to another state. Her last day is tomorrow....

Hair Drama Llama

2008-02-28T01:04:00.002-05:00

ok so there's no llama, but ever since Daners said it I've been dying to blog jack it. Plus its hella fun to say.

So I have this interview tomorrow at a placement agency, and I've got the wardrobe thing figured out. But I have no fucking idea what to do with my hair! You see, I spent about 12 hours this weekend, washing my hair, tightening my locks and putting each and every single one on a got damned rod roller (how I get my luscious curls.) So by the time I finished washing and shit, it was like 12:30, no fucking way I was gonna spend 2 hours sitting under the dryer after all of that. So I tied the largest silk scarf I could find around them bitches and hit the hay. Or tried to in any case. Felt like 5 fucking million rollers were trying to bore their way into my skull. ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I was cranky the next morning, to say the least. In fact, it's fucking Thursday and I still have a sore spot on the top of my head. Which I can't figure out, it's not like I slept standing on my head. That should be the one spot that doesn't hurt, right?

So the next morning, after all of my hard work the night before, I decided to sit under the dryer just to make sure my curls set. I sprayed them all with some water, then some good ole fashion oil sheen and promptly fell the fuck asleep under the dryer. That put a crick in my neck. But my curls were tight. No, not tight like good, tight like the belong on a got damned poodle! And I have a interview tomorrow, errrrk! scratch that, today, my curls still haven't dropped any and I don't know what the hell to do with them. I was just gonna snatch them up into a ponytail, with all the curls it looks like an elaborate bun, but then I can't put on a hat. And its supposed to be cold tomorrow. I just don't do under 30 weather with no hat. Hell, most of the time if its 40 I still have a hat. Might not be on all the time, but it'll be stashed in my bag somewhere...

Hey...

2008-02-27T19:35:00.002-05:00

more random shit to keep you entertained til I can get back on my regular grind.

I have been on a job finding mission as of late. I sent out a buttload of resumes on Monday and I have an interview tomorrow with an agency.
So I have this interview tomorrow and I start pulling out possible outfits. I know I've told you all this before, but I have way too many clothes for such a small person. I've narrowed it down to about 3 different outfits and a possible, but it will probably be a game time decision. I decidedly very quickly against one of my skirt suits, but I will probably wear a skirt.
I've been feeling kinda strangely about PYT. Nothing bad, but I just kind of feel like I'm not in control. I guess its the fact that I went from seeing a potential stalker, to seeing someone who has their own shit to do. I basically came out and asked him if I was wasting my time or if he really just had other things going on. Which is about stalkerish as I get. He said that he really hoped that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time with him and apologized for not spending a little more time with me. I can't decided if I really like him or if its just cause I hardly leave the house anymore and have nothing better to do.
I actually did leave the house yesterday and spent about 3 hours in Ikea. Saw alot of shit I liked including a bar table for my living room and a buffet that would fit perfectly right outside of my kitchen. Oh and the vanity! Lord how I feel hard for that vanity. I think I may ask the Artist to borrow the pick up truck (despite my somewhat frou frou ways, I love a nice pickup truck) and go back and get it this weekend. I also saw a canopy bed, but it didn't seem sturdy enough to have sex on. My internal monologue was broken so I actually said this out loud in the store, in front of Mommy and like 3 families. I was a little embarrassed but went with it and said, "What? It's not!"
Mommy got American Hustle from Blockbuster and was quoting Katt Williams all weekend. That shit was hilarious, both Mommy quoting him and Katt Williams himself. And damn that Lunelle is fucking funny.
I found my Daddy's rope chain, straight from the 80s, and I haven't taken it off since I found it. Its not a really thick one like Nas has been rocking, but its beautiful Italian gold. So I'm stuntin like my Daddy...
So this is like 2 weeks late (sometimes a little slow) but I think I mentioned that I had loaned Big Mr. Sad a book and after I told him to break yoself fool, I suspected that he was just trying to see me again using the book as an excuse. So I told him to slide in through my mail slot when he was in the neighborhood. I even took one of my other hardcover books to the mail slot to make sure it would fit. I thought it did. But then I got a call from Sad saying that it didn't and to let him know when I was home and he would drop it off. So he did and I was on the phone with Cousin T and hit him with the "Thanks. Take care" and a door slam. I forgot about the book til I was cleaning up on Sunday and just for kicks I took it to the mail slot. There I am, 11 pm outside of my house in my pajamas and a down jacket trying to put the book through the mail slot. The son of a bitch slide right through, fucking bitchass.

Da Biznass

2008-02-22T15:27:00.003-05:00

Since Afro likes my random post I've been talking about sex a lot recently, I decided to combine the two...

You know Lady Shay, I've turned down a tongue lashing on more than one occasion. For one thing, I had a very strange relationship some years ago where the sexual aspect of it mainly consisted of him going down on me while he jacked off into a pair of my panties. I shit you not. Not that his head games wasn't incredibly tight, but it kind of left a sour taste in my mouth for lick with no stick. Then there was the dude that, shit I don't know what the fuck he was doing but it wasn't nothing nice. And don't forget about the dudes that say "Oh I just want to taste it, nothing else" when they know full well that ain't all they want.
Speaking of that rather strange relationship of my youth (there is so much shit there I could do multiple posts on Chef and me) he first explained his sexual restrictions on my age (I was 16 he was 19) then on the fact that he was sort of in a relationship with a chick who was away at college in Florida, but the real reason was that his dick was about 3 inches long...
Thats not to say that some men don't know how to work 3 inches. Ok, so I've never had a fabulous lover with a 3 inch winky, but I'm sure that there are some out there. Somewhere. I've also known some men with 10 inches of thunder who don't know how to bring the rain. The thought of bad sex with a big dude makes me cringe a little more than the thought of bad sex with a little dude.
Did you know that some bodegas in the hood sell counterfeit Magnums? I'm sure that some people don't even notice that they aren't as large as the real ones. And the latex is different. What the fuck is the world coming to when big dicked men in the hood (and the women that luv them) have to worry that Jose at the corner store is trying to dick them on the condoms.
It's really not fair, if someone is tickleish and the other person isn't, the one who isn't should not be allowed to tickle the one who is. Specially if there is a danger of said person peeing themselves.
I couldn't laugh, at least not in his face, but PYT busted his lovely tight ass in the snow last night. All I could do was say, "Oooo damn! That looked like it hurt sweetie! Are you alright?" then duck the snowball that headed my way.
Fucking snow! I love to look at it, maybe ski on it, but gotdamn if I dont hate to have to shovel that shit!
In the recent past, I had a man tell me that I made him feel self conscious about being naked. Needless to say that was the wrong dude for me. First off, I'm either in as little clothes as possible, or as many clothes as possible, depending on the weather. If I'm in some coochie cutters and wife beater, I sure as hell don't want my dude to be in a turtleneck sweater and corduroys. Secondly, I love to be naked. It's fucking natural. I'm not a flasher nor do I dress obscenely in public, but in the privacy of my own home, hell the fuck yeah I'm gonna walk around bare ass. And lastly, I'm not the chick you want if you need a woman who is going to boost your ego. I give compliments where they are due, not when they're asked for.
Speaking of compliments, twice in my life have I reached into a man's pants and said, "Wow that is really quite large" (or something like that) and the dude was kinda surprised at the compliment. I think I mentioned that I don't give compliments unless they are due

Troub the Perv

2008-02-20T19:14:00.004-05:00

In answer to your query PrettyBlack - you know I did! Don't know about the taming part, I kinda like them spirited. Its when they turn into whiny bitches that I kick them to the curb. Nothing worse than a dude that acts like a chick.
Speaking of which, I saw Big Mr. Sad yesterday. I had lent him a book and he finally returned it. I was gonna chalk the cost of the book up to the price I pay for dealing with a man with bitchlike tendencies, but he made a big deal out of returning it. I'm talking asking other people to give him Cousin T's phone number so that he could talk to her. (It didn't happened, but if it had Cousin T probably would have laughed at his punk ass.)
In case you didn't know, I have a serious thing for firemen. I think Mr. March and Mr. August are my favorites from the 2008 FDNY calendar, even though I'm pretty sure that Mr. March is married (Go Head with Your Bad Ass Mrs. March!) Don't ask me why, but they have fascinated me since I was a wee one. Sooo, there is a fire house about 4 blocks away - Hello Tin House! and about 2 weeks ago I saw the truck go by and noticed a new brown face in the bunch. And yesterday I was driving past with Mommy and who should be standing outside but the new guy, and good lord is he fun to look at. Me and Duke may have to take a walk down there soon.
I have Nicaraguan neighbors. I really can't figure out the family except to say that there are the parents, then they have 3 grown daughters, and then there are 4 grandkids. I'm not sure which kids belong to who and that includes the grown daughters cause one of them calls the father by his first name and one of the grandkids calls him Daddy. In any case one of the grandkids is a baseball player. About 16 or 17 and I just noticed that he is fucking gorgeous. Not that I would hit on a kid, especially one that I've know since he was about 9, but damn! I mean really damn. No wonder there has been a influx of teenage girls hanging around the block lately. I feel kinda protective, I want to give him some condoms and the watch out for scheming trickettes talk. I really not sure when he went from being a cute kid to a gorgeous young man but the teenaged girls better watch out for that smile.
Speaking of gorgeous young men that I know, OtherMother's grandson is grounded. Seems he came over to OtherMother's house afterschool with two friends, a boy and a girl. OtherMother decides to fix some snacks for the kids and is heading down to the basement when the boy friend tries to intercept her. Talkinbout he'll bring the snacks downstairs and its no problem, just stay upstairs. Yeah right. OtherMother goes downstairs and finds her grandson hopping into the bathroom trying to pull up his pants and the girl (I started to call her a young lady, but that is so not the case as you'll see in a minute) wiping her mouth. OtherMother goes off on the boys and then tries to have a talk with the girl. Tries to tell her that she shouldn't be giving out sexual favors like gum samples and that she needs to be careful about sexually transmitted diseases (OtherMother got them to admit that she was going to blow the other boy too) and this little shit is stoopid enough to tell OtherMother that she doesn't have to be careful cause she's already pregnant. (Not grandsons) This poor child is 14 to hear OtherMother tell it and living with her grandmother.
I have a crush on Bill Goldberg the jewish wrestler....

Jump on it in the morning and ride it til the night...

2008-02-19T02:10:00.004-05:00

...wanna give you real jewelry so when it hits the light, bitches will momentarily lose their sight. She said, "I know what boys like, I know what they want, they want to sex me, they think I'm sexy. I know what boys like, boys like me."

Just a little trip back in hip hop time when I actually liked Jay-Z. This is going to be another one of those random post that I do from time to time. Bear with me...

I recently realized that I've never slept with more than one man at a time. Wait, I'm not sure how you took that, but what I mean is that if I'm sleeping with one man, I don't sleep with anyone else. I guess you would say that I'm sexually exclusive. I just couldn't see myself going back and forth between men. Twins on the same night at the same time, now thats another dirtier story. I don't expect my lovahs to be sexually exclusive, but I do expect them to be discreet and most importantly clean. Dont you ever fucking come to my house smelling like some other woman or just as bad, you own funky ass.

I thought I lost my The Incredibles DVD. I love that movie! Shit, who am I kidding I love Pixar almost as much as I love Jim Henson and thats saying alot if you know how I feel about the Muppets. Speaking of the Muppets, I just got The Muppets Take Manhattan on dvd! How cool is that! (ok maybe not that cool to you, but cool as shit to me! fuck you very much if you think I'm a dork. But I'm pretty sure dorks don't have head game like I do...)

Speaking of head game (is it wrong to segue from Muppets to Blowjobs?) can I just say as a woman, that I actually do quite enjoy the power of giving a blowjob. The feel of having something so vulnerable yet so hard in the palm of my hand. Doing just the right thing to make him hiss and that extra swirl of the tongue that will having him calling out. If you're a woman and you're thinking that its an act of submission, than sweetie, you really haven't been doing it right. And to the maybe 3 straight guys that may be reading this, if you learned to really enjoy eating the puss, (that is if you already don't) you'd probably get a hell of a different reaction than if you just eat it cause you think its what she wants you to do it. If you don't enjoy it, chances are you're partner won't enjoy it either.

Sorry I haven't been around the blog world lately, I've been off playing with a boy. Well at least part of the time. I've also been cleaning this sty I call an apartment, fine tuning my resume (I should start sending it out by Wednesday) and trying to groom Duke. It took me about 4 hours just to give him a really good brushing. Then I spent another hour using the undercoat rake. Then I needed a break so the next day I got started with the clippers, and we were doing pretty good until I tried to cut him back left leg. He didn't want me on that side. So I was pretty tired and said I would try the next day. But then it snowed. And since we live on the corner and own the lot next door I had to shovel all of that shit and I think I pulled something. So the haircut is incomplete. He looks alot better, but my back is fucking killing me from the snow shoveling. Then it had the fucking nerve to rain the next day and most of that fuck ass snow disappeared and today it was in the 60s!?! Fucking weetodd weather, I blame it on the industrial revolution. Fucked up weather, cancer and pollution. What a great fucking time in history that was...

579

2008-02-19T01:50:00.004-05:00

I grew up in house number 583, and two doors down there was a house for mentally challenged individuals. Back when I was growing up, it was uncommon for someone to call them retards. But I grew up on the block, and some of those people were there just as long, if not longer, than I was. One of my favorites, well at least one of the most entertaining, was Rosemary. Whooo was that broad sometimey. One minute, she'd be all, "Hi my Friend!" the next, "I don't want to talk to you, you bore me."

Rosemary was also a compulsive nose picker, so it was best not to shake her hand. And of course for some reason she always wanted to shake hands. I think I was about 7 when I finally told her that I wouldn't shake her hand cause I knew she picked her nose, I saw her do it. It didn't stop her from picking her nose, or trying to shake peoples hands, but at least I tried. Rosemary was also one of the first white people that knew. They were kind of hard to come by in Bed Stuy in the late 70s early 80s...

Then there was Donald. He was much more independent that most of the other residents of 529. He worked part time and used to go to the same church as my aunt. He actually was in the choir. Donald was a nice guy, he once gave me a quarter when I didn't have enough change at the corner store. I gave it back to him, but I never forgot that he helped me out.

Another big influence on my childhood was Derrick. He needed more help than most of the other residents which meant that he wasn't outside as much as the rest of the guys at 529. But like Rosemary and Donald he lived there for a long time. Derrick loved music and even when he wasn't able to come outside, you could hear him playing jazz in his room. Derrick also loved my Dad, so that always made him special to me. My Daddy was a big jazz collector and it wasn't uncommon for him to pick records up for Derrick too. After my Dad passed, Derrick would still ask me where Clarence was, and I'd have to explain. It broke my heart each and every time he asked. But then he'd tell me a story about him and my Dad, he had a million of them and he'd somehow find a way to make me smile again...

Introducing PYT

2008-02-19T01:25:00.002-05:00

You're probably thinking Pretty Young Thang, and he is that, but he is also quite light skinded or as my sister has put it, he's high yellow. If you don't know what that means, good. If you do and think thats wrong of me to say, fuck you. I'm joking. About the yellow thing, not about the fuck you thing.

you know in real life, I absolutely can not stand when people say things like likedided, or lookdided, or skinded...

Anywho, I met PYT (he's the 22 year old if you've been following along) back in November. I tagged along, as I'm wont to do, with Cousin T to a party. Now, I must say that Cousin T knows my varied taste in men quite well. She's just about the only woman that I would trust to pick out a man for me, cause she knows what interest me in terms of appearance. We often point out dudes that we think the other will like, and we are hardly ever wrong. So when we walked into the party and she saw where I was looking she chuckles and says, "I thought you'd like him, he works at my school." First thing out of my mouth, "Is he legal?"

There was some flirting and an almost double date that never happened. Then a couple of months passed. I ran into him again at a house party. That was the same house party that I met Big Mr. Bad at. Needless to say, nothing continued to happen with PYT. Then came the party the week before last. And there he was again. About 6'1", thin, and the most amazing amount of heat coming off of his crotch. (You see I have this theory about the amount of heat relating to the size of the male appendage. Let just say that it seems to be true...) What can I say, I'm a bit of a perv and proud of it.

We finally got around to exchanging numbers and he finally thinks to ask me how old I am. Proudly 30 and not showing it, thank you very much! "Really?! Well maybe you can teach me a few things and I can return the favor." Boy do I hope so! So far he's proven himself to be well mannered, adventurous, adorable and proof positive that my aforementioned theory may very well be true...

A Lil Bit Of Trouble (aka Tiki)

2008-02-11T23:59:00.001-05:00

My adventures in mischief began at an early age. I think I mentioned getting my head stuck in a banister. For the most part it was all petty stuff like sticking my finger in freshly iced cakes, or asking too many damn questions for the likes of some adults. I didn't step up to the big time until the 2nd grade...

I was still in public school, in the Astor program for gifted and talented children which basically equated to a bunch of smartass trouble makers. Boy did we pull off some scams back in the day, but this little caper was done all on my own. I'm not sure if schools still require parents to sign all of their children's test, but I had this science test and I was pretty sure that I could forge Mommy's signature.

I found something that she had signed in her desk drawer and set to work. I'm not going to reveal my methods, but thinking back, they were pretty sophisticated for a 2nd grader. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Wondering if maybe I should offer my services to some of the other kids. I hand in my signed test at the end of class, gathering up my stuff when the teacher says, "Trouble can you please stay after class."

Busted! The teacher took one look at the signature and knew it wasn't my moms. She was confident that my mother wouldn't sign her name in erasable ink, at least not with so many smudge marks. Guess I made too many corrections. What Mommy couldn't figure out was why I would try to forge a signature on a test that I got a 89 on. I guess I just wanted to see if I could do it. That extra book report and chores sure served to teach me my lesson. I never used erasable ink again...

Cocky

2008-02-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

My mom always taught me that there is no shame in giving yourself a compliment. To paraphrase Muhammad Ali, humble people don't get very far. You don't know how many times she's sat back after eating a meal that she just cooked and said, "That was exactly what I wanted, it was delicious if I may say so myself." So lets just say that at times, I'm cocky as hell. I mean, when things are down, it always helps to take a look at the things that you have going for you.

For example, I'm young, I'm pretty, and I hit hard. Not to mention that I own my own home, an incredibly dangerous and cunning mind, and a shitload of very nice clothes. The world is my runway, and I own that bitch, if I may say so myself. No matter how I may be feeling, the face that I present to the world is polished, clean. My clothes are my armor, my bag my shield, my smile my trusty sword, my mind that hidden dagger that will strike the final blow. (if you're wondering where that last bit came from, I just finished watching The Return of the King, it got me kinda hyped.)

But even the baddest bitch has her moments of self doubt. That runway is fraught with possible slips and falls, and no matter how many times you practice walking in those 5 inch heels (like the ones from my Polyvore below) there is still a possibility that you'll end up ass out and eye to eye with the cameras. I slipped this week. It could have been a full out face plant, but I managed to get my equilibrium and turn it into a full out twirl. I was feeling a bit, anxious, out of sorts, paralyzed with fear at thought of the future. So for a minute I retreated. I've never had a problem being alone, I find myself wildly fascinating, plus I'm a great listener. My imagination is powerful enough that I can disappear into the world of fiction, snuggled deeply in down (that is until it was fucking 68 degrees, what the fuck), a mug of tea at my bedside, a large snoring dog on the floor under the window. And it was warm, and comfortable, and not in the least bit scary, or anxiety ridden. Then Friday rolled around and Cousin T called, "Still want to go to that party with me?" It's Cousin T, so despite my internal hesitation, I immediately replied, "Yes."

Fuck! A million little niggling thoughts are going through my mind. Is Big Mr. Sad going to be there? Is it going to be a bunch of 22 and 23 year olds? Do I really have to get out of the bed? What the fuck am I going to wear!?!?! A couple of (*ahem) inhales later, and I calmed the fuck down. What the hell am I so worried about. Just get clean, then get dressed and represent in my usual you aint got shit on me style. (That is after a couple more inhales.) Two hours, one shower, some MAC and a banging outfit later (off the shoulder sweater tunic, with my leather look leggings over the knee boots, and a vintage rabbit fur jacket - everything was black except for the boots which are a deep red) and I was really feeling my self. Four hours later and I had two new numbers in my phone and had refreshed my status as a Baby Cougar - 22 and 25 if you're wondering...

I Haven't Done One of These In Awhile

2008-02-07T02:35:00.000-05:00

Polyvore time!

The Artist's Family

2008-02-07T00:13:00.000-05:00

I watched the SuperBowl this year with the Artist's Family. My sister, Hautechick, was supposed to go but sports and family gatherings have never been her strong suit. If I had a dollar for everytime that I uttered "Oh, Hautechick wasn't feeling well so she stayed home" at a family function, I wouldn't be worrying about job security right now. And I think if I tell you that she once failed gym in high school, that would be sufficient explanation on the sports thing. I usually hate to fill in for her, but I'm still trying to pay her back for the time that she went on an interview for me. This time was sooo not the case. The Artist has one of the greatest families evah! All mutlicultural and multiethnic, its wonderful to see what each individual adds to the mixture. Their love for one another is evident, even in their fussing and fighting. And they love to cook, eat and most importantly, feed people! And even though they all said, "wow you look so much like your sister," everyone (except the Artist's 10 year old cousin, her 7 year old sister was giving me the side eye though) knew that I wasn't her off the bat. I love people who pay attention. The Artist's French Canadian Aunt (I just love her French Canadian/Trinidadian/Queens accent!) They all got a huge kick out of my t-shirt. It said "Blame My Sister." The 7 year old asked me where I got it...

Randomly Yours

2008-02-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

Can someone please explain to me why some states allow Independents to vote in Primaries and why others don't?
And while your at it can you please explain what the hell a Super Delegate is? And why Republican primaries were winner take all? Please don't think I'm stoopid, it just seems that all of the explanations I've seen so far just seem to confirm my suspicions that we're not as democratic of a nation as we claim to be...
Apparently white male democrats prefer Obama to Clinton, somehow that makes perfect sense to me.
Obama and Edwards sound interesting to anyone else?
It's Black History Month, a good friend of my family who happens to be a blues musician once called it Black Misery Month...
I thought everyone knew that King Tut and Cleopatra were black Africans. When I was a kid Budwiser used to put out a poster for Black History Month and my Aunt Bling had one with the great kings of Africa. Tut sure as hell was on there back in the early 80's.
I've been trying to be more active, so I apologize if the post (and comments!) come sporadically. (and can I just say that I am hella impressed with myself for spelling sporadically right on the first go!)
I would love to travel the world and see the Pyramids, and the Parthenon, and the Great Wall of China and all of the other great structures of ancient times that we are still trying to figure out how the hell they built.
Speaking of which, I love Nova (a program on PBS.) I talked about the Secrets of Lost Empires II: Pharaoh's Obelisk for weeks after watching it. And I just caught the tail end of Secrets of the Parthenon, which is available to watch online.
Hautechick and I made up. It had something to do with karmic justice and catass. Hilarious to the point that I had to call her to share a laugh.
I got my taxes done today. Whoot-whoot! for mortgage deductibility! I usually pay to have them done to save myself the time and damaged brain cells, but I usually avoid chain places. I started with a new guy last year (thank you Hautechick) who is also a certified financial planner. He's great.
What the fuck is up with the weather? It was 68 degrees in New York City today. I saw a whole lot of stoopid people with bare legs and no jackets. It's still February people...

Speaking of the Superbowl...

2008-02-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

Did you notice that the lead ref was African American? Can you fucking believe that in the year 2008, this is the first time that an African American has been the lead ref at the Superbowl?!? Some fucking progress...

DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!!!

2008-02-04T00:23:00.000-05:00

that being my Giants winning the superbowl! That's right all you nay sayers and shit talkers - THE GIANTS WIN! THE GIANTS WIN!

And that wasn't fucking luck either. The fucking amazing Giants Defensive line had Brady on the ground 18 TIMES!! Did you see that Alford sack? Did you see my newest boyfriend Osi Umenyiora (I am sooo buying myself his jersey tomorrow) and gap toothed Strahan hounding your boy Brady? Had him sooooo fucking jumpy that shit was ridiculous! And did you see soft ass looking Eli shake off those boys trying to sack and the fan fucking tastic catch made by Tyree?!?! He caught that shit in the air with his helmet and one hand and still managed to hold on to it! Take that New England, cause all anyone is going to remember of your almost perfect season is how you guys BLEW IT in the end. I bet Tiki Barber is feeling like a bit of an ass right now. Never win a ring with Manning huh? oh and in case you missed it the first time

THE GIANTS WIN! THE GIANTS WIN!!!

This message is brought to you by Trouble the tomboy

Thirteen eighteen!

2008-02-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

I had a taste for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese today so I swung through the drive thru at MickeyD's. I should point out that I hardly ever eat McD's, maybe about 3 times a year if I'm lucky. So I'm going thru the drive thru at the McD's on Atlantic and Ralph Avenue. I mention the specific one cause if anyone if from Brooklyn and has gone through that drive thru knows what a pain in the ass it is. You can enter the parking lot from Ralph but it takes some pretty fancy driving in order to get on the drive thru line from there. And there is no way you'll be able to do it if there is more than one car waiting to place their order.

You can get directly into the drive thru lane from Atlantic Avenue, that is if you can avoid the cars that are picking up their orders. (who ever designed this drive thru deserves the Ultimate Idjeet Award) So after a quick yet cautious K turn, I'm on the drive thru line and place my order. I go to the window to pick up and hand dude a $20. I see him struggling. A minute passes, a minute and a half. I'm not the strongest at doing math in my head but by this time even I have figured out that its, "THIRTEEN DOLLARS AND EIGHTEEN CENTS Damn It!" "Oh! Thank you, the screen on the cash register is broken. Have a blessed weekend!"

I never felt right cursing out people who bless me, so I settled for a mumbled "youtoo" and drove to the next window to pick up my food.

The Weirdest Shit I Heard Today

2008-02-01T19:44:00.000-05:00

So I know this guy, lets call him Ras. He's from Trinidad and has dreads and its not unlikely to hear him go off about The Garden of Eden or The Nature of Man. Buuuuut, he has a pretty thick Trini accent so I only understand about half of what he says. That always makes me very cautious when I have conversations with him. So today I saw him and as usually despite the torrential downpour, he wants to have a confab. I missed alot of it, that accent and his mumbling do not help, but here are some of the things I caught

"You'll be standing there a Pure Breed Dog, but everyone takes you for a man until you turn your back and become a God."

"I don't believe that no one is perfect. I am exactly what Jah wanted me to be so therefore I am perfectly me."

"Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end..."

There was alot more about vexation, something about damnation, and a brief spiel about white niggers, but I missed alot of it trying to remember these three quotes. I'm gonna have to start carrying a tape recorder so I can record his rants...

KoC - King of Crap

2008-02-01T15:26:00.000-05:00

The King of Crap, cockblocker extraordinaire, was a guy that I used to see. We met through mutual friends when I was about 22, it didn't work and he would put his bid in just about everytime we saw each other. I was hesitant to start seeing him again because he's a bitch when it comes to running his mouth. He once told one of my associates (not a close friend by any means) that I was amazing in bed. Which lead to about a year and half of all the women that I hung out with speculating about how many men I had been with and odd questions at random times like, "when did you lose your virginity?" "ever been with two men?" "ever had sex with a woman?" all of which were met with a why, their usual response being "Oh I was just curious." Some women were stupid enough to follow that up with, "well?" to which they got a cocked eyebrow, a partial sneer and a "none of your fucking business."

But I figured that we had both not only gotten older, but that we had both matured. I was really wrong about that. We were together about 3 months last year before I made his ringer silent. But it appears that he is making another play. It started about two weeks ago when I got a call from a number that looked kind of familiar but I couldn't place. I still haven't put my old contacts into my new cell phone.

"Good Afternoon"

"Hey, Happy New Year"

"Thanks, who's this?"

"I'm afraid if I tell you, you'll hang up."

"Who is this?"

"King of Crap"

"Well you had that one right." CLICK!

Later that day I got a text message "Aren't you ever going to forgive me? Damn your mean" Oh, yeah insulting me has always been such a turn on for me, idjeet. To KoC, if I'm angry, the answer is to leave me alone and let me get over or forget that I was angry. I feel for it once, when I forgot why I stopped seeing him the first time (I still dont really remember), and I guess he figures that I'll go for it again. There have been a couple of phone calls that I didn't answer in the following weeks. But last night, he called me at 1 in the morning! Did he think he might be able to finaggle some ass? Was he trying to cockblock in case I had someone else over? What the fuck was he thinking? I WILL NOT let my curiousity get the better of me, and I can't even engage in the "stop fucking calling me!" convo.

KoC is the type of man who thinks that a woman doesn't care for him if she doesn't raise her voice at least once a week. So I can't even go there without it giving him hope. Besides, I got no time to be wasting yelling at a grown man. When we last broke up, it was because he not only stood me up on Friday, but he didn't even call me until Sunday. His excuse "Oh well I went out after work with some co-workers and I got drunk and I totalled my car and I forgot I was supposed to take you out. My back really hurts can I come over so you can rub it?" I'll admit, I lost it. I called him all kinds of fuckers and shits and bitches. I yelled, I screamed, I told him 12 different ways that I could not be involved with a man who was soo irresponsible and all that got through to him was that I really must care about him cause he finally got me to yell at him. Fucktard.

Randomly...

2008-02-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

Hey did you know Blogger is now available in Arabic, Hebrew and Persian? I thought that was kinda cool...
So sometimes I miss comments that you guys leave for me and for that I apologize, but I can't believe that I missed that whole Anal Sex conversation! Here's Wiki's article on Anal Sex if anyone is interested...
"A maiden before and a martyr behind"! Not me, but that line cracked me the fuck up! Don't know what I'm talking about? Anal sex and Norman Mailer's Harlot's Ghost
I just read this article about the recent changes in animal behavior; stingrays attacking humans (there was another incident shortly after the one with Steve Irwin), packs of wild dogs coming into towns and attacking people, monkeys holding water deliveries hostage, and ELEPHANTS RAPING RHINOS! (type that phrase into google and you'll get over 84,000 hits)
Speaking of animal behavior, did you know that a Florida man was shot by a puppy in 2004?!? It was considered self defense since the man was trying to kill the puppy and his six sibs. He couldn't find them homes and had already killed 3 of the pups. Then there is also the case where a hunting dog shot his owner in the leg. Apparently its not uncommon for hunters to get shot by their dogs. I also heard there was the dog that shot his owner in the back when the owner was beating his girlfriend, but I can't find a source for that story...
LadyShay (fresh from Gasparilla) finds the coolest food shit! Make and publish your own cookbook

Run Away...

2008-02-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

I can freely admit that I have a problem with commitment. Its not that it scares me, just that I like to take my time before I commit to someone. There is nothing that will send me packing quicker than a man who makes more of the things that I do than is necessary.

Need an example? Let's start with Big Mr. Sad. Our first date was, interesting to say the least. Mostly because my entire immediate family was there for a portion of it. (We went to one of the Artist gallery openings) I tried to impress upon him that while this was a first for me, a man meeting my entire immediate family in one sitting, but that he shouldn't make a big deal out of it. I told him that there was no pressure. Not long after that, came The Conversation. "Sooooo, are you seeing anyone else?" "No not currently, how about you?" "Welllll, no one as special as you are..." My bullshit meter went off, loudly, and for several reasons.

I'm the newest chick, we've only been on one date, you don't know I'm special yet. There is no doubt in my mind that I am, special that is, but I haven't even put on my A game yet.
I highly suspect that he was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Just a little hint about me, when it comes to the choice between some meaningless fluff designed to please the ears and the cold hard facts, I'm more comfortable with the cold hard facts. Compliments are one thing, bullshit is a whole nother other
Didn't you hear the "not currently" that I slipped in? That was a clear indication that I'm not going to commit myself to you after one date and wild ride

It wasn't soon after the Conversation that I started to pull back. Another ex of mine makes for a good example too. The King of Crap (cockblocker extraordinaire - more on that another time.) Last summer, when we were still seeing each other, he was at my house and Mommy was cooking. She called me upstairs and asked if I was hungry and if I wanted to feed him too. I was hungry and feeling kinda mellow so I said yes to both. Mommy was about to set the table when I asked if she would mind if we ate after her. "I don't want him to read anything more into this than there is, me being polite and not kicking him out or eating in front of his face." Ok, Mommy ate then KoC and I ate.

Still during the last convo we had, he's gonna say, "You can't mean that you don't want to see me anymore. What we have is special, you're Mom cooked for me and you're just going to let me go?!" Thats about the time that I hung up the phone...

The Brush Off

2008-01-28T23:57:00.000-05:00

I like my space when it comes to men. If you're looking for a woman who will call you 4 and 5 times a day, I'm not the one for you. Sheeet, if you're looking for a woman who will call you everyday, I still might be the one for you. I've yet to meet the man that inspires that kind of behavior. Just the same, if you call ME 5 times a day, you're going to quickly get on my nerves. Specially if you really don't have anything to say...

So things with Big Mr. Bad have been going downhill for a minute. It started with him giving me an itemized description of his bills the same evening that he found out that I got my paycheck. (Like I give a fuck what some dude I met 3 weeks ago has to pay for his cell phone!?!) It continued when he called to ask me out last Tuesday. Sounds like that would be a good thing, but it wasn't. You see, when we first started "talking", I told Big Mr. Bad that my pet peeve with men is that they start thinking that the sex is enough to keep me and stop taking me out. "Oh no, that will never happen with me! I love to go out." Uh, huh. Cause we've actually only been on one date so far.

So he calls me at around 6:30 pm. The cell phone is downstairs and I'm upstairs, so I don't hear it. I go downstairs at around 7:30 and my phone is ringing, its Hautechick. I get off the phone with her and see that Big Mr. Bad has called me 5 times. I'm about to check the message when he calls again. (sidenote - I had food poisoning last weekend (DAMN YOU RED LOBSTER!) and Big Mr Bad knew I still wasn't feeling well) "Hey, where have you been?!" (is that a slight attitude I detect?) "My uncle got some last minute tickets to a comedy show tonight. Can you be ready in 20 minutes?" Uh, "No."

What part of I've been throwing up all weekend and haven't eaten solid food do you not understand? No. And 20 minutes?!? Some notice that is. Granted he had tried to reach me earlier, but the voicemail revealed that he didn't mention anything about tickets or a comedy show, just asked me to call him back.

Then comes The Call. You know, the lets beat around the bush and not really say anything but I think you might not like that much anymore and I wanna ask you what I'm doing wrong but I'm a chickenshit call. The hemming and hawing is not at all masculine. When I say, "Is there something on your mind?" thats your cue to tell me what the fuck is on your mind! So when he didn't say anything other than, "I've got alot on my mind I guess and I can't sleep." I said something along the lines of "Well listening to you breathe is putting me to sleep, so I'll talk to you tomorrow." I didn't expect him to call me at 7 fucking 45 in the morning. (for those that missed it, I sorta kinda don't have to work for awhile and I basically sleep til noon) Naturally I ignored that shit.

He called back at about 1, I just missed it and returned the call. "Hey, I just got busy, I'll call you back in about 5 minutes." Oh-kay! Except, he didn't call me back for about 4 hours and by that time I was basically through. He's done that a couple of times. Tell me he'll call me back in 5 minutes when he really means 5 hours. Just say later idiot and it wouldn't piss me off. But it does. Piss me off that is. He leaves a message, "Hey, give me a call when you get this." I went about my business that night and went to sleep. The next morning, its deja vu all over again. 7 fucking 45 in the morning and this fool is calling me. No message. Now he's really starting to get on my nerves. Long story a little shorter, I spent Thursday afternoon getting massages with Ripeshit aka Hautechick (see Lil Sister Blues below) and was pretty much out of the house and running around with either her or my Mom from Thursday at 1:30 til midnight Saturday morning. In that span of time, Big Mr. Bad called me a total of 24 times. (only 3 voicemails)

That really put me off, so I answered the phone when he called on Saturday evening. (I didn't count the 9 times he called me on Saturday in the previous total.) "Do you realize how many times you've called me in the last 2 days?" "Alot" "yeah, what the hell is up with that?" "I was worried about you." "You never left a message to that affect." "Well, no..." "It was my sisters birthday, not that I owe you an explanation, especially when I told you we had some stuff planned earlier in the week." "Oh! I forgot, I'm sorry" "Yeah we'll its not cool with me, that shits not cool at all. I think you need to take a step back." "Uh..." "I'll Call You, if I change how I feel. Ok?" "Uh" "Ok!?!" "Ok..." Click.

Trouble's Corn Chowder

2008-01-28T22:41:00.000-05:00

this is in honor of LadyShay, without whom I would have never had the idea.

I can never leave a recipe alone. Just. Can't. Do. It. I have to add something, change it and some way, claim it as my own. So when Lady Shay posted a link to this recipe for Corn Chowder, I had to do something to it. I couldn't resist. For one thing, I was out of chicken stock. And vegetable stock. And I'm not really a fan of cream of corn soup, although I actually do have that in my kitchen cupboard. So I searched for other recipes. I found ones with evaporated milk. And half and half. And lobster. And crab. And bacon. Wait a minute that bacon one has a corn stock base, and I have fresh corn. But I didn't want to use bacon fat to fry my onions. And I wanted to put red peppers in it. And carrots, I love carrots. And I didn't want to make that much soup, cause its just me and Mommy. So a recipe was born, makes about 3 servings...

2 Ears Sweet Corn

1/4 onion (I used red and yellow cuase there were two small pieces left over in the fridge, I also prefer small onion pieces, so cut how you like them)

2 cloves of fresh garlic, diced

2 small potatoes, peeled and cut into small cubes

3/4 cup of milk

just enough olive oil to coat the bottom of a small skillet

a nice fat pat of butter, almost a tablespoon

6 baby carrots, cut into bite sized pieces

a little section of fresh red pepper, seeds removed, cut into small pieces

seasoning to taste

sharp cheddar cheese (optional)

grilled chicken breast (optional)

Cut kernels from cobs, set aside. Break cobs into 1/3s and place into what I like to think of as a small soup pot aka the pot I use to boil pasta in. Add a little more than 1 1/2 cups of water. Season to taste. (I used a little salt, some cayanne pepper, garlic and onion powders) Bring to a boil then reduce to a simmer and cook for 20 minutes to make corn stock. Remove the cobs, make sure there is no silk in the stock. (The original recipe said to drain the stock, but I just used a slotted spoon to make sure there was no corn silk...)

While the stock is simmering, warm a small skillet over a low fire, coat the bottom with a little olive oil, and melt your pat of butter. Add chopped onion, garlic, and red pepper, cook for about 5 minutes or until the yellow onion is translucent.

Add the potatoes, carrots, milk, and onion mixture to the corn stock. Taste and season according to preference. (I added some thyme, rosemary, and a little more salt - I tend to be very light on the salt usually, thats why I needed more) Bring to a simmer and stir to prevent foam from forming (its hard to skim with the kernels of corn) Cook until potatoes are tender. Taste and adjust seasonings if necessary.

I cut up a piece of grilled chicken breast and mixed it in with the chowder. Then I shaved a nice little cheesy mound of Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheese on top. It went great with the biscuits I made from scratch yesterday...

Lil Sister Blues

2008-01-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty craptastic weekend. It started off ok, with massages with Hautechick on Thursday, but went straight to hell after that. Major highlights include me being treated like a 12 year old by my sister in front of all of her friends and telling Big Mr. Bad to chill the fuck out.

Hautechick had a party on Friday night at this bar on the Lower East Side. She invited all of her friends and told them to be at the bar at 8pm. Why so early, I have no fucking clue. So I head over to her and the Artist's house, figuring I'll catch a ride into the city. And I wanted to give Hautechick her prezzies. I should point out at this juncture, that I have yet to receive a birthday gift from my sister. Didn't matter. I found an adorable Coach skull keychain (25% off thank you!) and some Marc Jacobs black wool shorts (can't go wrong with something black and Marc Jacobs if you're looking for a gift for Hautechick) She loves everything, but she's no where near ready to go. The Artist ask if I would mind leaving with him, cause if I stay he fears Hautechick is going to take even more time to get ready.

The Artist tells me that he's also giving a ride to one of his friends. I met him before, he's kinda slow and still hasn't figured out that I have locks and Hautechick has an Afro, and is darker than me, and is taller than me and has bigger boobs than me. So of course he walks up with his date and says "Happy Birthday!" "Damn it! Thats the second time, I'm Trouble, the Artist is married to my sister, Hautechick!" Strong reaction maybe, but that shit irks the hell outta me.

So we all pile into the Artist's pickup - its a crew cab, but just barely - and head to the City. Arrive at the spot and there are some knifed up chicks sitting at our table. No problem management removes them and we sit. Couple of minutes later here comes one of Hautechicks friends, she does the double take then realizes that I'm not Hautechick. Three more of her friends come in and do the same damn thing. Now its like 9, still no Hautechick.

I'm making small talk, drinking and eating. Having fun, then in comes my sister. One of her friends calls to me, "Hey Trouble, are you going to the strip club later?" Ripeshit interjects, "Oh no! My little sister is not invited to come." I dont know what the hell they are talking about, but its pissing me off. I find out later that the afterparty is supposed to be at one of the most well known strip clubs in the NYC area. Well at least its well known in hip-hop circles. And I'm not invited apparently because I'm her "little sister." Uh, bitch youre only like 3 years older than me. GET OVER YOURSELF!

The kicker is when everybody bails on her except for one of her friends and the Artist. The one friend who is going is asking me to come with and Ripeshit says, "I'm putting little sister in a cab and sending her home to Mommy. She can't go." Ok fine bitch, I'm used to you pulling that big sister bullshit when its convenient. Funny how it never comes up when you're asking me to buy you some designer shit or to borrow my clothes. So I said something along the lines of I'm used to Ripeshit being an ass to me and made her pay for my cab fare. The Artist was going to give me the money, but I made Ripeshit give it to me. Petty, yes, but it made me feel better. It also made me feel better when I found out today that Hautechicks friend that went with her, fell asleep in the car so they just headed home...

Showerworks...

2008-01-25T00:49:00.000-05:00

I grew up in a brownstone. A lovely gem of a house with stained glass windows, wainscoting, multiple fireplaces, built in bookcases, and my favorite thing - the huge bathroom on the third floor with the clawfoot tub. I loved that tub. It was soo deep that I used to be able to float in it as a kid. Many a great naval battle was waged in that tub. I had a flotilla of toy boats to play with. Oh, and a rubber duck. And a frog. I loved that frog. Anyway, bathtime was always a production for me. And it was always fun.

Sooo, when I moved into the new house a little over 8 years ago, to say I was disappointed with the bathroom was an understatement. Sure the old bathroom was drafty, and the clawfoot didn't really have a shower (or a shower curtain for that matter.) But it could all be forgiven soaking in that tub, burning something and reading a book on a Sunday afternoon. I could escape into that bathroom for hours. The new bathroom - can I just say that the tub doesn't even come up to my waist when I'm sitting in it.

I try and make the most of it though. That little ass bathroom is packed with color. And bath products. Hautechick was over here on Saturday. She went into my bathroom for some shampoo and came out with; a hairdryer (why the hell I have a hair dryer when my hair has been locked for 8 years we'll never know), some eyelashes, facial loofahs, some shower gels, some lotions, some band-aids, a new toothbrush for her and one for the Artist, some toothpaste, and some conditioner. I didn't have any shampoo.

At any given time, you can find at least 5 kinds of shower gel (the Lemon Sugar is one of my favorites Shay), at least one type of Dr. Bronner's Soap, and 3 kinds of facial cleanser in my bathroom. Not to mention at least 5 kinds of lotion (some coordinating with the shower gels and always at least one kind of cocoa butter - I'm currently loving the body butter that Vaseline has come out with), 2 types of body butter, and 2 lip conditioners. Bath and Body Works is having a sale, so I am currently stocked with mostly stuff from there. For the winter I like the soap free body washes because my skin gets dry and I obviously am a SBCAA (Snarky Black Chick Against Ashiness)

And lets not talk about all the stuff that I have for my locks. Whoever said that dreadlocks are low maintenance has obviously never met me...

ps - I love Dr. Bronner's Soaps! It's a great thing to keep in your bathroom. I use it to wash my locks, and my face and my body! It can also be used in a pinch as toothpaste if you run out - I only suggest using the peppermint one for this purpose. And you can always use the bottle for reading material if you're on the can!

Coockaberry

2008-01-25T00:21:00.000-05:00

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Merry merry merry merry life had he

(that's how I learned it but its supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he)

Laugh, Kookaburra, Laugh

Kookaburra gay your life must be.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Eating all the gumdrops he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop, Kookaburra

Leave some there for me.

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree

Counting all the monkeys that he can see

Stop, Kookaburra, Stop Kookaburra,

That's no monkey, that's me

Kookaburra had two little girls

Sweet as sugar

and smiles like pearls

Laugh, Koookaburra laugh Kookaburra

Gay your life must be...

This song always makes me a lil weepy, cause my Daddy taught it to me and Hautechick when we were little. I always thought that he made it up, but its actually an Australian Children's Song. I also always thought that it was Cookaberry, hence the title of this post. And I always thought that Cookaberry was my Daddy. My lyrics are a little different than the original. The second line is supposed to be Merry, merry king of the bush is he. But that didn't make sense to lil girls from Bed-Stuy. Why would anyone want to be king of the rose bush in the front yard? That thing used to always stick me. And the last verse I made up when I was 8, after Daddy passed away...

It was all a dream...

2008-01-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

...I used to read WordUp Magazine! (whose got the next line?...)

As a kid, I really wasn't into watching tv too much. I was more of a doer than a watcher. Still am. But there were some exceptions. I've mentioned a couple of them, The Muppets, Sesame Street, Electric Company, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood (although I really only like the Land of Make Believe. You know, the whole puppet thing...) I also really really really loved ice skating. Which is completely strange. I got kicked out of more than one ballet class for my inability to stand still (or pay attention if you have them tell it.) And I was never ever anywhere close to what you would call a girly girl. Yet I loved ice skating.

I think I was about 5 when I finally got a chance to actually ice skate. I had just started kindergarten, and one of Mommy's co-workers was taking her two kids (a daughter thats younger than Hautechick and older than me, and a son that younger than me by about 2 years) and asked Mommy if she wanted to make it a playdate. Of course this was the early 80s so no one called them playdates back then. I was fucking stoked! I talked about it all week. Could not wait. Didn't even care that I couldn't stand the two kids we were going with. I was gonna ice skate!

So, Saturday comes. Its a cold clear perfect fall evening for ice skating in Prospect Park.

Mommy: Tiki (that what Mommy called me when I was a youngin), slow down! I know you're excited, but you need to slow down and find out what you need to do. Please be careful!

Trouble/Tiki: But Mommy, I dreamed about ice skating last night! I know how to do it!

Mommy: Tiki just listen to the lady, she's going to explain it a little, ok?

Trouble/Tiki: Ok, Mommy

She should have never turned her back. My mother that is. (What's my name? Trouble, in case you forgot. Eh, who am I kidding. I just wanted to get yall to say my name) Cause as soon as Mommy turned her back, I was off. Laced up my skates, and hit the ice! Ah ha! I know what you're thinking, that I literally hit the ice. Shoulda bet you a dollar, cause not only could babygirl ice skate, I was like a fucking ice skating prodigy! By the time Mommy found me, I had figured out how to turn! And you know what she said to me, "Shit! You really did know how to skate!!"

I never did figure out that sitting still and listening bit, so I never took any lessons. But I'm still pretty damn nice on a pair of ice skates. I could give Apollo Ono a run for his money! Weirdly enough, I can't get the hang of rollerblades...

Happy Birthday Hautechick!!!

2008-01-24T23:40:00.000-05:00

in case you dont know, Hautechick is my sister. Basically snarkyblackchick v1.0. I'm v2.0, I was gonna say less kinks, but it depends on what you're talking about. She turned 3, 2 months after I was born, and the jerk bite me! Couldn't stand to have someone cuter than her in the house, so the jealous lil heifer bite baby Trouble. She told our Mom that she wanted to see if I was real.

So today, Hautechick and I went for 90 minute deep tissue massages. Can I just say, "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I'm of the opinion that if it doesn't hurt a little, the massage isn't worth my time or money. And I gotta say Graceful Spa (and Services) always delivers. It's not luxurious, but its clean and I've never gotten a bad massage at either place. Be sure to request one of the newer treatment rooms if you go to Services though. That one is more of a quick stop, perfect for a lunch time massage if you work in Midtown East. And you really can't beat the prices.

This was actually the first time that I had a male masseuse. I think I actually prefer them now. My lil dude Jacky, found every little knot I had. And something must be said for a man's larger (and sometimes stronger) hands. But the real reason that I think I prefer a male is because if Jacky was any indication, they respect your personal space a little more than a woman would. Yes, I want you to reach that knot in my shoulder. But do you really need to rest your saggy tits on my side in order to do it? Women have no problem yanking down your panties to tuck in the sheet. Dude today was very subtle and efficient. No excess touching, nothing of his resting on me. and did I mention the whole, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh" thing?

I am totally relaxed. But that also might be contributed to this fondness for mojitos that I seem to be developing. Drunken lunches are grrrrrrr-eat! Even better when the come after a 90 minute massage

Oooooo weee!

2008-01-22T23:35:00.000-05:00

I can vividly remember the first time that a man told me that I "put it on him." Yes, I can honestly say that there has been more than one man, and more than one time. I'm not bragging, which will become painfully clear in a minute. You see the reason that I vividly remember that first time is not the obvious one; cause my leg started shaking and I think my heart stopped. No, the reason that I remember is the opposite, I didn't come. And I remember thinking, "you have got to be fucking kidding me?!?" when dude kissed me on the forehead and wanted to cuddle in post coital bliss. I also remember thinking in the restless hours that followed, that I really wasn't trying to put it on him, I was trying to get mine! I guess thats what I get for being selfish. And to make matter worse, none of my usual midnight moves (i.e. - accidentally brushing my ass across his groin, a warm puff of breathe on his neck, a stray hand across a masculine nipple) would rouse him. And that stupid smile on his face was really starting to piss me off...

And before I forget...

2008-01-22T20:04:00.000-05:00

GO GIANTS!!!

they've got nothing to lose and I totally believe its gonna be one hell of a Super Bowl. Go Big Blue!

The Bald Pussy

2008-01-22T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not speaking in code, or calling anybody a name, I'm really gonna do a post about bald pussies and why I'm not a fan. Not that I'm a fan of pussy or anything, strictly dickly thank you!

But it seems to be the "in" thing for women to do. I think it was Eva Longoria who said something about how a brazilian wax makes her feel sexy. Uh, what the fuck is so sexy about having a pussy that looks like it belongs on a 5 year old girl?! Before puberty hit, I couldn't wait til I had some hair down there cause I figured that meant that I was grown. Now you want me to rip my badge of womanhood out by the roots!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Don't get me wrong, I don't condone a wild bush. When I was at the Levian Cult Camp, I had this counselor whose bush used to stick out the sides of her bathing suit. All puffy and shit, and I used to think, why doesn't she cut that shit down. I'm all for trimming and maintaining. But why the fuck do I have to be bald?

Last March I was on my way to Cancun for a week so I went for a wax. I usually shave because you can do it whenever but in the winter my skin gets really sensitive so I figured that the wax would last me longer with less irritation. I didn't ask for a brazilian, yet chick was gonna take everything off. "What are you doing?!? Not bald, shit, I'm a grown woman and would like all my parts to look like it thank you!" "You dont want clean?" "yes clean, no bald - leave me a strip at least!"

Why do people assume that hairless is cleaner? Its actually not. The hair is there to prevent things from getting into the cooch. Its a defense, and I'm all about the defense! So you take off all the hair and all those little things that might have gotten stuck in your pubes are now in your cooch! Gross yet true. (Ladies please properly clean your cooches, thank you!)

Bald pussy also makes me think of changing diapers. Which makes me think of shit, which is definitely not sexy.

I've heard guys say shit like, "I'm not going down on a woman unless she's bald down there." Meanwhile they have no problem trying to stick their hairy balls down a woman throat. Reciprocity momo! I'm not asking you to shave your base and balls for me. Shit, a little pubic hair in the mouth never killed anyone as far as I know.

So in conclusion I say, ladies, keep your hair, but keep it neat. And to the fellas I say, do you really wanna look at a pussy that could belong to a 5 year old girl?! (if you do you need to seek some serious help)

C- c- c- c- c- crackhead!

2008-01-22T19:24:00.000-05:00

You know I'd do it! I'm sorry this shit shouldn't be funny but it is. Specially when you realize that Viv is Halle Berry...

I Swear fore God and 4 Other White People...

2008-01-22T19:03:00.000-05:00

so today I heard that ALLEGEDLY Amy Winehouse is in rehab and has admitted to using crack. (see that ALLEGEDLY Afers?) Well there were those pictures of her and what appears to be a crack pipe and while I enjoy her music, I can't help but think, what an asshole!

I grew up in NY, so I remember a time when you couldn't walk down a street here without seeing or stepping on a crack vile. And it didn't matter where you where, all neighborhoods were affected. Families were destroyed. All over a stoopid little rock.

So I'm posting this video of Gator from Jungle Fever. Yes, it is slightly funny, but it is also a very real portrayal. A little reminder that crack is whack...

What set me off...

2008-01-21T00:51:00.001-05:00

you might want to take a look at the definition of defamation. and by the by it would be comprehends, not has comprehension.

Listen Trouble. You said that it was 'one-sided' ...I will repost everything, because I clipped it. Think for two seconds that neither of us had colour. I apologized to Pretty on her blog for my behalf and if this has turned into a laughing matter between all of you, that is fine.

Trouble, it was not your place to get in our argument.

As for visiting blogs, I came to yours constantly, and left comments. You only came to mine recently and then you have been acting like I am a leper. I don't care.

And from what I just read that Anners posted, it looks like a bunch of you are talking smack about me (how mature!). You have my email. Write me. Or post it on your blog. I read it. Do not speak of me as if I don't exist. I have never seen anyone turn their attitude as quickly as you, Trouble, and I really thought highly of you at one point.

If PB don't want to come back, not many of us knew her anyways. She never made it a point to come to my blog and still never could answer the 'loopy' question. Look back and tell me one reference to my medications making me loopy. Try not to be so one-sided yourself, Trouble.

I don't even have a problem with PB because I never knew her. I didn't get a chance to meet her...but you...I can't believe your ways. But it's the internet.

Maybe Anners, in some small way, is playing you, but in a mature way, and let's pretend I am PB.

Don't worry, when I am done with the CSS here, I am going to start on my blog and if you like I will send you an invite to see how I really, really, really feel.

This comment was posted on TypHo Boulevard prior to the posts below. Of course you can no longer find it on there because someone erased it. Anyone else remember the Pink Elephant post?

Harlequins Greatest Hits

2008-01-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I notice you like to pop off at the mouth when you think I'm not around to defend myself. That's a real punk move Harlequin. Think I changed shit? Well I can't I can only erase a comment, not moderate it. Thats how my blog is set up. You hit like a 3 year old girl by the way...

harlequin has comprehension said...

Trouble, you got issues. You got in the middle of a discussion with PB and I. You made a big to do over nothing and would not let it go, changing your post after I comment on the other page...it's triflin'.

PB, I shold not have apologized to you. You are weak. You are insecure. You are dead in my eyes, so quit talking shit.

Yeah you graduated in 1990, and brought it back in 2008, PB. I thought you loved to put off a persona of a strong woman, we see who the weak one is.

So you two little girls have tons of fun.

3:40 am

Little girls, but we see who was the first one to resort to name calling. And you know I didn't change shit, that your MO, erasing and editing. You have the comprehension level of rock. Should we go back to my post about 1HIVPositive and how despite a perfectly comprehensible introduction to her blog, you were the only one who thought that it was PB with HIV?

harlequin is done said...

PB, you are the punk on the internet, trying to, for lack of a better term, cyber bully a bitch who don't play little girl games with people who can't read and once again:

shit stains in my draws is all ya'll is.

Don't worry Trouble, I will bid adieu and you can trollop on the Blvd.

3:42 am

Again with the name calling, could it be cause you really dont have shit to back you up? And why dont you try wiping your ass, that might eliminate those shit stains.

I Usually Don't Do This...

2008-01-20T11:42:00.000-05:00

...eh I'm lying! If you knew me, you would know that I'm hell on wheels when it comes to research. If you knew me, you would know that I don't change shit. I wasn't the one removing multiple post over on the Boulevard. If you knew me, you would know that I don't give a fuck what you think Harlequin. You know me like I know Brittney Spears, I comments on what she presents to the public but at the end of the day, Brittney don't give a fuck about what I think about her and I could give half a fuck what you think about me. Comments once a week for two months does not mean you know me Harlequin. As for the statement that you made about me not participating on your blog, your full of shit. Lets go see. Oh wait how fucking convenient, the Gazette has been erased! No matter, I have a good fucking memory, unlike some people. Shall I talk about your medicine cabinet? Too recent? How about the novenas and drinking holy water? Or how about the post you wrote to your husband when he was on the road? I hate to break it to you but you blog was never private and to assume that others didn't see it is ridiculous. But that seems to be your thing, ridiculousness.

You stated that you thought people were talking about you behind you back. Where? I said my piece and I haven't changed it. Its on my blog exactly how it was published. Why is it that when you first read it, you immediately came back to the Bouley and said that you wanted to apologize to PB? Now all of a sudden you think your tough and want to pop shit? Fine, since you dont seem to remember what you said, or what other people have said, I've made you a little something. Mind you this took me about 5 minutes to do, and I only went back to the 16th. Ain't it a bitch when your words come back to bite you on the ass....

..Don't worry, you can come over to the medicine cabinet you saw anytime, and don't forget there is shit in the fridge too! I got medicine from A-Z. I just refuse to share any of the narcs. I didn't know the going rate on the *insert narcotic name here* on the streets. Shit, that would be my ticket to a Chanel in 30 seconds or less. (I kid, I kid!)

Harlequin on TypHo Boulevard January 16th

Vagisil, I don't have feelings. I am not sensitive. If you grew up the way I did, feelings were laughed at and not allowed. Believe me, I am not in anyway sensitive. Besides, I know what you are about, so I don't even get offended. So stop!

Harlequin on TypHo Boulevard January 16th

By the way I'm pretty sure that the 16th was the day before the LoopySpice Post, wait that last quote gets better, right Harley?

30 seconds later, after a comment by Afro...

Child abuse is funny? Afro, I am 30 years old and over the holidays, my momma punched me and smacked me in the mouth with a shoe. I ain't never struck her though, but if she wasn't a cripple, I would have killed her.

Very rational thought there Harley, and excellent comprehension level since Afro was quoting Strangers with Candy. I don't even have cable and yet I knew he was trying to lighten the mood.

What I was responding to with my Tribute to Pretty Black post, was the fact that on the post where Anners announced that PB would no longer be on the Bouley, instead of leaving it as a goodbye, it turned into a condemnation. Why is it that you think that it is ok for Anners to comment on the situation but not me? Wait you need a quote...

Jezzy... it's sad that she couldn't simply understand that what she said was mean. You're not to blame...

Posted by Anners on January 18th

You wanna go erase some more shit off the Bouley Harley? Cause I'll wait. I never changed my comment after Anners did the TypHo post. I believe there are ways to check that. But you sure did change your shit real quick. Good thing you can't change your comments on Snarky. Hey lets post them! And by the by, there are alot more loopy quotes from you but hopefully this will get you to Shut The Fuck Up!

Bullshit and Fuckery

2008-01-19T19:10:00.000-05:00

If anyone has a problem with me, fucking say that shit in the comments and stop beating around the fucking bush. Grow the fuck up people!

So let me get this straight. I'm not allowed to come to the defense of people I like?!?

A Tribute to PrettyBlack

2008-01-18T12:37:00.000-05:00

because this is my blog and I can say whatever the fuck I want. I dont mean to offend anyone, but on the other hand I don't really care. I'm kinda newish to this whole blog shit, but in the time that I've been on this shit, I've "met" a lot of interesting people. But one of my favorites will always be Pretty Black. Thats my cyberhomie right there and to me, she will always be my mutherfuckin pottymouthed TypHo sister.

Danae, Anners, and LadyShay are some of the first people that started leaving regular comments on Snarky and because of that (and other reasons) they are my sisters too. I've made connections with others, but to be honest when I think of the TypHos I think of Daners, Anners, Janers, Afers, and LadyShay. I realize that most of you might not be as familiar with PrettyBlack as LadyShay and I are. I see her comments on PrettyBlackGold all the time. So I'm going to use my blog to say what I don't feel comfortable saying on the Boulevard.

I don't want anyone to take this to mean that I don't want to be a TypHo anymore, cause fuck that, I was there the first time the phrase was used! But I think alot of you jumped to the wrong conclusion. And to live up to the name that Pretty Black gave me, to Keep It Real Harley, if someone had responded to me the way you did to PrettyBlack, I would have thought you were offended too. Mainly because its not the first time that you brought up the fact that you were a child prodigy. What does being a child prodigy have to do with not being loopy? I'm fucking loopy and I don't go through half the shit you do. And I'm pretty sure that most of the TypHos are smartyfarties so its really not saying much. I like you, but you have a tendency to brag. It doesn't bother me, I'm just stating something I noticed. You should be proud of yourself. And I've never felt that PrettyBlack was coming after you either on the Boulley or anywhere else, and I've read the post and the comments.

I think I might be more qualified to speak on the matter than ANYONE else for the simple fact that I participate on both of your blogs. I don't think anyone else on the Bouley can say the same. But I think you (and Anners to a certain extent) should realize that in previous comments and post, Harls you've called yourself loopy. Maybe not in those terms but you have said that you feel crazy from the spasms. I think loopy is a lot less offensive then if she had called you CrazySpice or ComplaininSpice or some shit. And fuck and begorrah, it was a got damned joke! I thought that was one of the fucking rules, dont take shit personal!

If you've read PrettyBlackGold you would know (I think she posted about this just last week?) that she curses on her blog and on the net because she does not do so in everyday life. So she may use an extra fucker every now and then, its nothing personal. But it might be taken that way if you're not familiar with her writing style. I'm not going to say I know her, but I sure as hell know the way she writes. I've read ALOT of her stuff (it copyrighted so don't try and bite!) Anners I think you would really enjoy some of her poetry. I think a major part of this problem is that there are alot of TypHos and not all of us are familiar with one another. And I can say this honestly and openly knowing that most of the TypHos won't ever read it. Part of the reason that I'm doing it here is that if I do it on the Boulley, it is very likely that people will jump down my throat for the simple fact that they aren't familiar with me. I really don't give a fuck but I dont feel like defending myself to people that I could give two shits about. And I dont give two shits about most of the people on there. But there are those who know things about me that others dont, who I communicate with via email. And there are people on there whose blogs I enjoy.

But I don't think its fair to have people join the TypHos who don't have or maintain their own blogs. And if we are supposed to be a network, is it really fair to ask people to join who only visit one or two of our blogs? Not for nothing but when I fly you guys to Barbados, I ain't paying for some chick that ain't never been on my blog! I'm dead ass!

Like I said at the beginning, I don't mean to offend anyone, but this is how I feel. And I'm gonna have to remember that fuck and begorrah thing, that was pretty fucking funny...

Yeeeeeoooooouuuuuccchh!

2008-01-17T01:43:00.000-05:00

I SLAMMED MY POINTER FINGER IN A FUCKING CAR DOOR! And I was drunk enough that I didn't really feel it. But it was gross looking. So I cleaned it and slapped a bandaid on it. I don't know, I've always had a thing for bandaids. When I was little I used to sneak them out of the medicine cabinet and put them on myself. In the morning, I used to take the off before Mommy or Daddy found them. But of course they always did when the changed my sheets. Anyway now my finger is starting to throb. And its my right finger too! I need that finger! And that means I won't be able to change my polish for a while cause the gash is right under my nail. At least it's good polish, Chanel. I don't care what anyone says, that shit is worth the money. Goes on smoother, dries a lil quicker, last a lil longer. If you can afford it try it. Shit, I got distracted! What the fuck was this lil rant about again? Oh yes, my fucking pointer finger and how I fucked it up. I deserve some chocolate for my pain....

I'm Going Going Back Back to Cali...

2008-01-16T14:39:00.000-05:00

ok so actually this will be my first time. Going to visit Oakland and my god mommy! She's gonna introduce me to a doctuh!

Snarky Black Chicks

Teenage Boys

The Make Up

The First Fight

Back in Brooklyn

Richmond

Lions, Tigers and Bears

Whatever doesn't kill me...

Somethings

Fashion for Change

A Bitch Is Back With Rats & Whatnot

You Know What's Good?

SuperSlagalicious!

Rock me sexy jesus...

Whew!

The Boys...

Brownie

Buggy

Boo!

Lucy & Ricky Retardo...

Grrrrrrrr, partie duex*

Grrrrrrrrrr

Strange ting gwan

Huge Pain in The Ass

The Answers....

Haven't Done One of These in Awhile

Check It...

True or False

Back to Black

A Peek at My Playlist...

Trouble says Stand The Fuck Up!

Love and Hate

Cupcakes and Babies All Night Long!*

Dancin for Dollars

Tangers Outlet

Dance MonkeyGirl Dance!

More Post Latah...

Dear Plasma de fuckwit,

How I think

The Where I Was...

Dogs are barking

April Showers

Half Baked

Lil Heifer...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONKEYGIRL!

The Skin I'm In

Where's My Fuckin Cookie LadyShay?!?

Girly...

Sesostris

Vice

The Prostitute and the Politician

black is the new president bitch...

Perception

All we do is play in the sheets...

Tagged...

Sickly...

Some Shit

A Business Decision

Idiot Box

Speaking of poop...

SuperSlag Update

Curses!

Hot Damn!

Hair Drama Llama

Hey...

Da Biznass

Troub the Perv

Jump on it in the morning and ride it til the night...

579

Introducing PYT

A Lil Bit Of Trouble (aka Tiki)

Cocky

I Haven't Done One of These In Awhile

The Artist's Family

Randomly Yours

Speaking of the Superbowl...

DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!!!

Thirteen eighteen!

The Weirdest Shit I Heard Today

KoC - King of Crap